And Mama Bear Said, “This Sheriff Is Too Trigger-Happy”

August 6, 2012

Humor

Bears recently twice ransacked a home in the small town of Bearsville, NY, before being driven off by the town’s sheriff.

Recent news item

To the editor:

Recently my family and I visited, hoping for a nice getaway in a welcoming small town.  I can only say that the people of your town should be ashamed.  “Bearsville,” indeed.  More like Jerktown.  Rudesburg.

You don’t see me hanging a sign on my den that says “Humantown” and then freaking out when you come in, do you? No.

I am a working mother who rarely gets a chance to take a holiday with my cubs.  Knowing that people are often skittish about bear visits, we chose our holiday destination carefully. Imagine our joy at seeing a whole town dedicated to bears!

When we first arrived we found a nice house and popped in for a bite to eat.  So far so good.  We went through the kitchen and had some lunch.  I made a delicious salmon with honey-moth glaze, and the kids had a blast ripping the cupboards apart.

We left and returned later to see that the homeowners had cleaned up for us!  So sweet!  So, we had some family time, playing on the furniture.  We found all of their furniture juuust right.

At this point, having done nothing wrong, the sheriff of your town declared us a “nuisance” and began shooting at us.

Shooting!  At us!  No charges, no trial – not even a warning.

Humans of Bearsville, is this what you accept from your law enforcement officers?  Or is it just acceptable against bears?  So, it’s cute and funny when fake bears take pic-a-nic baskets, but when a real bear goes to Bearsville with her cubs, well this calls for assassination?

Look, if you don’t want bears around, maybe name your town, oh, anything else!  It’s practically entrapment!  If St. Nick showed up to Santa Claus, Georgia, would you just open fire?

“But mom, I wanted to see her fly while she sings ‘Defying Gravity’!” “Sorry, son. We’ll have to listen to the cast-recording at home again.”

I have already written to my cousins in Alaska and told them they might think twice before popping in to Kodiak to see Wicked, for which they’ve had tickets for 3 months, and it broke their hearts.  Three little cubs, crying.  I hope you feel good about yourselves, humanity. As for me, I have to explain to my children why we aren’t welcome, even in a town named for us.

I can only hope the people of Cougar, Washington and Buffalo, New York are more welcoming to their visitors.

In conclusion, I would hope your town would take a second look at its policies, and how it treats visitors, especially those you’ve tacitly welcomed.   At the very least you should look at changing the name to something a little more honest.  Perhaps “NoBearsville” or “ShootAtBearsForNoApparentReasonVille”?

Sincerely,

Mama Bear

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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54 Comments on “And Mama Bear Said, “This Sheriff Is Too Trigger-Happy””

  1. Kate Says:

    And once again, I see the application for a tombstone epitaph I was once told of…
    “Shot. Mistaken for Bear.”

    Senseless violence. *shakes head*.

    Reply

  2. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Just unbearable, the way bears are treated these days! 😉 PETA, anyone?

    Reply

  3. She's a Maineiac Says:

    What?! Dammit. So much for my planned trip with my girlfriends to Cougartown.

    This reminds me of that hilarious video of the mama bear yelling at her cub in the garage. “Get down from there!”

    Why can’t these moms ransack a house in peace? it’s just not right. I’m tired of their rights being trampled on.

    Reply

  4. Elyse Says:

    Shooting is just epidemic in the U.S. It impacts everybody.

    Reply

  5. 1pointperspective Says:

    I live in Moorestown. I can’t think of too many people who would be less welcome here than the Moorish. It’s so wrong. I’m tempted to move down the road to Swedesboro.

    Reply

  6. jcgator1 Says:

    ROFL!!! Best letter to the editor EVER!

    Reply

  7. becomingcliche Says:

    This may be your most clever post yet. And that is saying quite a bit. Thanks for the chuckles this morning!

    Reply

  8. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    Having lived in Buffalo, NY I’ll have you know the people are more welcoming to animals and crappy football teams than they are to actual people.

    Reply

  9. Blogdramedy Says:

    I think Mowgli is the only one who ever really got bears. City life…it’s a jungle. 😉

    Reply

  10. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    So funny (as always, duh) AND cute. Look at you defending bear rights…can you think of anything more adorable? 😉

    Reply

  11. The Good Greatsby Says:

    Before these bears complain too much, they should know law enforcement and gun owners in America have the right to shoot just about anybody with no questions asked.

    Reply

  12. Hippie Cahier Says:

    On the bright side, bear literacy appears to be on the rise.

    Reply

  13. shermangerherd Says:

    Reblogged this on igatherum and commented:
    This is too funny….

    Reply

  14. Go Jules Go Says:

    Dear Mama Bear,

    Stop stealing my thunder.

    Love,
    Gary the Bee

    Reply

  15. speaker7 Says:

    This bear writes way better letters than the ones I read in the local newspaper. Those are usually about Jesus coming to smite the guy who cut the letter writer off in traffic.

    Reply

  16. thesinglecell Says:

    Well when you put it that way, the bears really didn’t deserve to be shot at all. I’m so glad we’re all broadening our minds to include the voiceless. Or, um… those whose voices only go, “aaaraarrrrrrrrgggghhhh!” Because they’re misunderstood.

    Reply

  17. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I think we should all take a moment and be grateful animals aren’t armed (yet). It’s only a matter of time after the ranting letters. Momma Bear Rocks!

    Reply

  18. susielindau Says:

    As a human, this unbearable injustice is just too embearassing.

    Reply

  19. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Mama bear should start an online support group. Maybe a Twitter feed.

    Reply

  20. Laura Says:

    Wow. There’s plenty of blame to go around here. This isn’t a simple case of discrimination — it’s not like you went to a restaurant and were refused service. You went to a private home and walked in without bothering to knock — that’s trespassing — and then took food from their kitchen. That’s burglary. The sheriff would have been completely justified in arresting you.

    But shooting you was a severe overreaction. This is clearly a case of species profiling.

    Reply

  21. The Bumble Files Says:

    Mama Bear, you tell them. Savage humans, indeed.

    Reply

  22. Richard Wiseman Says:

    Is that a bear with a crowbar? (Exit stage left pursued by… Sheriff).

    Reply

  23. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I hope you saw the piece on the News where a bear broke into a convenient store and was snacking in the chocolate section, leaving the empty wrappers all over the floor. I thought of you as I was watching!

    Reply

  24. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    Ah, a different perspective. It is time to consider the bears’ feelings. I can bearly contain myself as I paws to consider this injustice. Honey, I ain’t comin’ back any time soon to your sorry town. (Thanks, Byronic.)

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. August ‘Stache Glasses Giveaway! | Go Jules Go - August 23, 2012

    […] that’s way less fun than talking bears: This giveaway is open to anyone who is willing and able to enter, and to email me their address […]

  2. Blogger Profile: Go Jules Go | The Daily Post - November 15, 2012

    […] gotta read every post. It’s my go-to pick-me-up. Sort of like The Daily Show, but with more talking animals. But you should know he can’t fold a fitted sheet for […]

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