We’ll Return To Your Emergency After These Important Messages From Our Sponsors.

July 10, 2012


More and more communities are privatizing services traditionally considered public, including emergency services such as 911. – AP Newswire item

Dispatch: Toyota Mountain-Dew 911, what’s your emergency?

Caller: Someone’s broken in to our house.  Oh my God, we just got, uh, got back from vacation and there’s broken glass and –

Dispatch: Ma’am? Ma’am?  Calm down.  It’s going to be okay.  Are you a member of our Red Alert Club?

Caller: Excuse me?  Red –?  Um, no.  Look, they were just here and–

Dispatch: It only takes a moment to join and you start earning benefits right away.  From 5% off ambulance rides to earning reward points towards your next 911 call, membership will have you saying 9-1-Wow!

Ma’am? Emergency crews are en route as we speak, bringing you the whole range of delicious Mountain Dew products. Do the Dew.

Caller: Jesus Christ, I don’t want to join your stupid fu–!

Dispatch: I need you to remain calm, ma’am.  Perhaps a refreshing Mountain Dew would soothe your nerves?

Caller: For starters, Mountain Dew is disgusting; and second, even if I wanted one, our god damn refrigerator has been stolen!  We need police over here!  I can see the thieves’ truck down the street!

Dispatch: Alright, if you’ll just hold while I run a quick credit report…


Steve: Hello?

Caller: Um, hello?!  I need an ambulance!  Is this the emergency number?

Steve: Oh!  Yeah!  You bet!  Steve’s Emergency Hotline! Damn, hang on.  Shut up a second, you guys, I got an emergency call!  Okay, so what’s up?

Caller: I’m on the interstate, there’s been an accident.  I think everyone’s going to be okay, but some people are a little banged up.

Steve: Uh-huh.  Shit.  Where are you?  Ah, crap, hang on. Lemme find a pen.  Ahhh… (pause) Come on… Bingo!  Lenny, you got paper?  Well give me your napkin.  I don’t give a crap, get a new one! I got an accident!  So, where are you?

Caller: Near the 18th street on-ramp.

Steve: Oh, yeah that’s a God damn meat-grinder.  How many cars– are you freakin’ kidding me?? Stupid pen’s out of ink. Ah, I’ll remember. How many cars…?


Dispatch: 911, your—

Caller: Hello?

Dispatch:  –first call when there’s trouble.  Now with even more phone lines to—

Caller: I think I’m having a heart attack!

Dispatch: –better serve your emergency needs.  Remember to ask about our punch cards!  Every 10th 911 call could be free!  911, brought to—

Caller: It’s like knives of fire are stabbing me in the heart.  My arm is numb.

What?! But Channing Tatum drives her crazy with his down-home, small-town ways! There’s no WAY this driven city girl will fall for him!

Dispatch: –you by the upcoming Paramount Pictures release Cold Hands, Warm Heart.  When driven reporter Emma Stone was first reassigned to the tiny Kalispell, Montana TV station after angering the vice-president –

Caller: Can’t breathe…

Dispatch:  –she thought her world had ended.  But that’s when she meets Channing Tatum, the owner of the Bed & Breakfast who, there in the frozen countryside, might just melt her heart.


Dispatch: Cold Hands, Warm Heart.  Look for it at a theater near you.  What’s your emergency?


Dispatch: Hello?

Remember: you save more when you have emergencies in bulk! Now, where can we send your 15 ambulances?


Dispatch: Thank you for calling 912, the better emergency alternative.  How can we make your life better?

Caller: Uh, uh, got a little kitchen fire that’s getting out of control! I’m trying to contain it with the extinguisher, but I need help!

Dispatch: Well, that’s super.  I would love to help!  Can I get your name?

Caller:  Brian Jensen!  *cough, cough*  I really need a fire engine.

Dispatch: Okay, Brian, I see your subscription has expired.  Would you like to renew?

Caller: What? Fine!  Renew!

Dispatch: Terrific.  Thank you for your continued support.  One second. Oh, okay, Brian, I see the credit card you’ve been using has expired.  Do you have the new card?

Caller: I really can’t get to it right now!  There go the drapes!

Dispatch: I’m kind of stuck until you do, Brian..

Dispatch: 911 Emergency.  Thank you for calling. Your emergency needs are important to us. If you have reached this recording, you have reached us during hours when the number of calls doesn’t warrant staffing, or while we are busy assisting other customers.  Please, do not hang up.  If you know the code for the emergency you are experiencing, you may enter it at any time. To choose from a list of emergencies, press one.  If you do not know what kind of emergency you are experiencing, press two…

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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60 Comments on “We’ll Return To Your Emergency After These Important Messages From Our Sponsors.”

  1. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahahahaha! That’s all I ever wanted was one of those TV 911 operators. You know, the ones that comfort you like a big ole teddy bear and SEND HELP. I guess that’s why they call it acting.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Hm, speaking of acting, if we’re privatizing 911, you could have celebrity impersonator 911! Yoda could say, “A fire engine you are needing.” Mae West could say, “Ah’d kiss ya, but your house is on fire.” etc…


  2. speaker7 Says:

    I personally think it’s time we privatized the federal treasury and then I could use my Staples reward card everywhere because why not? That’s freedom.


  3. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    ha ha ha oh yeah i am always in a bulk emergency situations…oh now it makes sense,,all those fast ambulance services..
    but hey one should take the dew services specially if their fridge is taken by the thieves..


  4. Elyse Says:

    The joys of privatization.


  5. Go Jules Go Says:

    Ha! 9-1-Wow! Even reading fake automated phone messages is giving me stomach cramps. This is as hilarious-but-unnerving as the ‘more polite’ TSA staff.

    Mountain Dew is by far the most untrustworthy of sodas! And vile. A perfect pick. Now whenever I think of it, I think of this special on A&E called ‘Meth Mountain,’ which was about this place in Alabama where everyone was hooked on meth and only drank Mountain Dew. …I need to go brush my teeth.


  6. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    “Para espanol entra dos……if you are experiencing chest pains press three….if you are bleeding profusely press four…..if you are losing consciousness please stay on the line for the next available customer representative……”


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There’s a great Simpsons episode where Bart reaches a recording at the police station and the recording says to enter the crime being committed, so he hits a bunch of random numbers just to get an officer on the line, and the recording says, “You have selected: Regicide! If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one…!”

      Every time I get one of those recordings I repeat that line to myself.


  7. Shannon Says:

    That was awesomely entertaining. Thank you.


  8. Cassy Says:

    ahahahahaha…that just made my morning. I mean dying of a heart attack and the last thing you will picture is Emma Stone… and how you are going to be missing that effin’ movie.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Maybe that’s what will keep people clinging to life: “911 emergency – just a reminder that Dark Knight Rises comes out July 20, and if you die you’ll miss it.”


      • Cassy Says:

        That is very true… I think I would try to hold on a little longer. I was kind of imagining this scenario in my head as I was driving late last night… and my phone battery was almost dead… and I was like “Wouldn’t it be just my luck, I go off the road and crash into a tree, and my last phone call I can make goes to a pre-recorded message…”


  9. ladykatsa Says:

    I laughed so hard! You should do more when I am president posts. 🙂


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, I keep thinking about those, and drawing a complete blank. I fully intended that to be a regular feature. Apparently my “when I am president” is in the ‘Silent Cal Coolidge’ stage.


  10. lexy3587 Says:

    ugh, computerized operator from HELL! Press a random series of numbers until an operator is alerted to your inability to follow instructions, and rescues you from the soothing tones of “Press seven- six if …”
    hilarious post!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s the “Return to the main menu” option I always fear. That means none of the options sounded right, so now you have to start over and shoot for “close enough.”


  11. susielindau Says:

    That would be a nightmare! Whoa!
    I got my first reverse 911 call last week. With all the fires raging in Colorado people started praying and with all the praying it started raining and with all the rain we got flash floods! I am 15 miles away from the small towns that were in warning status so I don’t know why they sent the message. It was weird to hear that dischord emergency sound coming out of my phone!
    I hope you are recovering well from your birthday and Jules surprise! We were hiding for hours!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Next come the locusts, I assume. Yuck. Yeah, when 911 calls you, that’s got to get your attention.

      I got a call once saying “Do you know where your car is?” I said yes, it’s on the corner of blah and blah and they said, No, actually it’s in the next state. That’s how I learned that it had been stolen.


  12. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    Too close to reality. I think you just wrote the script for future emergency response calls. Very funny, Jules.


  13. thehandmadeyou Says:

    That was hillarious, and sad! It’s hard to decide whether to laugh so hard I can’t breathe (which I nearly did), or be afraid to ever have an emergency! I tweeted this one.


  14. whereimstaying Says:

    heh …. the guy with the fire is the best… 🙂


  15. Kate Says:

    But but but if I have to choose between services in a time of crisis…do I want market leader? Market follower? Or Sprite? I could die waiting for CocaCola to get that 14 car semitrailer with the fairy lights and Santa on the side into town…but I’d die cool.


  16. becomingcliche Says:

    That sounds about right.


  17. Audrey Says:

    Soon I’ll be able to buy stain-be-gone and the hottest new kitchen tools while I wait for emergency services. YES!!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      They could find out what your emergency is, then custom fit the products that you can buy. Heart attack? Brand-name aspirin. Fire? Paint or furniture, depending on the severity.


  18. The Bumble Files Says:

    God, how do you come up with this stuff?! This is great! I hope this is not where we’re heading….I haven’t, knock on wood, had any emergencies lately.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There was this interview with the mayor of this town in Georgia where they’ve privatized everything, including 911, and I just started giggling. That’s what I’ve been reduced to. I listen to the news for ‘a-ha’ moments.


  19. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    So funny, a joy to read as always.


  20. A Broad at Home Says:

    Note to self: do not read this post whilst eating lunch otherwise you WILL choke on your food and be forced to call 9-1-2 Emergency Chat Line.



  21. Angie Z. Says:

    An extra catchy theme song could help market the new 911 companies. I can’t help but think the song from the old (PBS) 3-2-1 Contact’s Bloodhound Gang would fit.

    “Whenever there’s trouble, we’re here on the double…if you’ve got the crime, we’ve got the time…” And maybe an adorable animal mascot to dance around singing it.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I have such a dim memory of 3-2-1- Contact, but I loved it as a kid. The total I remember of the show was this snippet of the opening theme: There’s a rocket, and then the vocals go “3! 2! 1! Contact! Is the something! It’s the something when something somethiiiiing! Contact! It’s the something!..” and so on.

      Like a steel trap, my friend. Like a steel trap.


  22. funnyphuppo Says:

    This post is hilarious! Are they seriously thinking of privatizing? That may not be a bad thing, necessarily. I have usually found private services to be better run then government ones, no matter which continent I am on.


  23. mj monaghan Says:

    Outsourcing 9-1-1 – crazy stuff, there. Well-done and imaginative, my friend.


  24. Valentine Logar Says:

    You missed an opportunity to put all of it with an Indian dialect cause you know the first thing they would do is set the call center up in Mumbai


  25. pegoleg Says:

    I can’t believe how insensitive that 911 operator was, going on and on about some rom-com while the caller was in serious distress. Wouldn’t they know to only advertise medical thrillers?


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