More and more communities are privatizing services traditionally considered public, including emergency services such as 911. – AP Newswire item
Dispatch: Toyota Mountain-Dew 911, what’s your emergency?
Caller: Someone’s broken in to our house. Oh my God, we just got, uh, got back from vacation and there’s broken glass and –
Dispatch: Ma’am? Ma’am? Calm down. It’s going to be okay. Are you a member of our Red Alert Club?
Caller: Excuse me? Red –? Um, no. Look, they were just here and–
Dispatch: It only takes a moment to join and you start earning benefits right away. From 5% off ambulance rides to earning reward points towards your next 911 call, membership will have you saying 9-1-Wow!
Ma’am? Emergency crews are en route as we speak, bringing you the whole range of delicious Mountain Dew products. Do the Dew.
Caller: Jesus Christ, I don’t want to join your stupid fu–!
Dispatch: I need you to remain calm, ma’am. Perhaps a refreshing Mountain Dew would soothe your nerves?
Caller: For starters, Mountain Dew is disgusting; and second, even if I wanted one, our god damn refrigerator has been stolen! We need police over here! I can see the thieves’ truck down the street!
Dispatch: Alright, if you’ll just hold while I run a quick credit report…
****************
Steve: Hello?
Caller: Um, hello?! I need an ambulance! Is this the emergency number?
Steve: Oh! Yeah! You bet! Steve’s Emergency Hotline! Damn, hang on. Shut up a second, you guys, I got an emergency call! Okay, so what’s up?
Caller: I’m on the interstate, there’s been an accident. I think everyone’s going to be okay, but some people are a little banged up.
Steve: Uh-huh. Shit. Where are you? Ah, crap, hang on. Lemme find a pen. Ahhh… (pause) Come on… Bingo! Lenny, you got paper? Well give me your napkin. I don’t give a crap, get a new one! I got an accident! So, where are you?
Caller: Near the 18th street on-ramp.
Steve: Oh, yeah that’s a God damn meat-grinder. How many cars– are you freakin’ kidding me?? Stupid pen’s out of ink. Ah, I’ll remember. How many cars…?
****************
Dispatch: 911, your—
Caller: Hello?
Dispatch: –first call when there’s trouble. Now with even more phone lines to—
Caller: I think I’m having a heart attack!
Dispatch: –better serve your emergency needs. Remember to ask about our punch cards! Every 10th 911 call could be free! 911, brought to—
Caller: It’s like knives of fire are stabbing me in the heart. My arm is numb.
What?! But Channing Tatum drives her crazy with his down-home, small-town ways! There’s no WAY this driven city girl will fall for him!
Dispatch: –you by the upcoming Paramount Pictures release Cold Hands, Warm Heart. When driven reporter Emma Stone was first reassigned to the tiny Kalispell, Montana TV station after angering the vice-president –
Caller: Can’t breathe…
Dispatch: –she thought her world had ended. But that’s when she meets Channing Tatum, the owner of the Bed & Breakfast who, there in the frozen countryside, might just melt her heart.
Caller:
Dispatch: Cold Hands, Warm Heart. Look for it at a theater near you. What’s your emergency?
Caller:
Dispatch: Hello?
Remember: you save more when you have emergencies in bulk! Now, where can we send your 15 ambulances?
****************
Dispatch: Thank you for calling 912, the better emergency alternative. How can we make your life better?
Caller: Uh, uh, got a little kitchen fire that’s getting out of control! I’m trying to contain it with the extinguisher, but I need help!
Dispatch: Well, that’s super. I would love to help! Can I get your name?
Caller: Brian Jensen! *cough, cough* I really need a fire engine.
Dispatch: Okay, Brian, I see your subscription has expired. Would you like to renew?
Caller: What? Fine! Renew!
Dispatch: Terrific. Thank you for your continued support. One second. Oh, okay, Brian, I see the credit card you’ve been using has expired. Do you have the new card?
Caller: I really can’t get to it right now! There go the drapes!
Dispatch: I’m kind of stuck until you do, Brian..
****************
Dispatch: 911 Emergency. Thank you for calling. Your emergency needs are important to us. If you have reached this recording, you have reached us during hours when the number of calls doesn’t warrant staffing, or while we are busy assisting other customers. Please, do not hang up. If you know the code for the emergency you are experiencing, you may enter it at any time. To choose from a list of emergencies, press one. If you do not know what kind of emergency you are experiencing, press two…
The Byronic Man 
July 10, 2012 at 3:44 am
Hahahahaha! That’s all I ever wanted was one of those TV 911 operators. You know, the ones that comfort you like a big ole teddy bear and SEND HELP. I guess that’s why they call it acting.
July 10, 2012 at 10:00 am
Hm, speaking of acting, if we’re privatizing 911, you could have celebrity impersonator 911! Yoda could say, “A fire engine you are needing.” Mae West could say, “Ah’d kiss ya, but your house is on fire.” etc…
July 10, 2012 at 4:36 am
I personally think it’s time we privatized the federal treasury and then I could use my Staples reward card everywhere because why not? That’s freedom.
July 11, 2012 at 8:42 am
“Here at Federal Treasury Industries, we don’t rely on government payouts. We make our money the old-fashioned way. We print it.”
July 10, 2012 at 4:38 am
ha ha ha oh yeah i am always in a bulk emergency situations…oh now it makes sense,,all those fast ambulance services..
but hey one should take the dew services specially if their fridge is taken by the thieves..
July 10, 2012 at 10:01 am
Mountain Dew Institute scientists suggest having at least 5 cans of Mountain Dew on hand in case of emergencies or natural disasters.
July 10, 2012 at 5:05 am
The joys of privatization.
July 10, 2012 at 10:02 am
I’m excited for all the roads to be privatized.
July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am
They’re going that way in NoVA, actually. Building lots of toll roads, all leading to the same old bridges. Yup, that works.
July 10, 2012 at 5:35 am
Ha! 9-1-Wow! Even reading fake automated phone messages is giving me stomach cramps. This is as hilarious-but-unnerving as the ‘more polite’ TSA staff.
Mountain Dew is by far the most untrustworthy of sodas! And vile. A perfect pick. Now whenever I think of it, I think of this special on A&E called ‘Meth Mountain,’ which was about this place in Alabama where everyone was hooked on meth and only drank Mountain Dew. …I need to go brush my teeth.
July 10, 2012 at 10:04 am
It really has become a “red flag” of a soda, hasn’t it? If you’re a Mountain Dew drinker it seems like odds are you’re either an avid role-playing/video gamer, a meth head, or 11-year-old who wants to skateboard/snowboard.
July 10, 2012 at 10:38 am
It glows. It GLOWS.
July 10, 2012 at 6:09 am
“Para espanol entra dos……if you are experiencing chest pains press three….if you are bleeding profusely press four…..if you are losing consciousness please stay on the line for the next available customer representative……”
July 10, 2012 at 10:07 am
There’s a great Simpsons episode where Bart reaches a recording at the police station and the recording says to enter the crime being committed, so he hits a bunch of random numbers just to get an officer on the line, and the recording says, “You have selected: Regicide! If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one…!”
Every time I get one of those recordings I repeat that line to myself.
July 11, 2012 at 8:17 am
Hahahahaha! I remember that episode!! Excellent!
July 10, 2012 at 6:28 am
That was awesomely entertaining. Thank you.
July 10, 2012 at 10:09 am
Good – I was a little worried about getting a “my uncle just died while on the line with 911. Ha ha, very funny, jack ass” comment.
July 10, 2012 at 6:31 am
ahahahahaha…that just made my morning. I mean dying of a heart attack and the last thing you will picture is Emma Stone… and how you are going to be missing that effin’ movie.
July 10, 2012 at 10:08 am
Maybe that’s what will keep people clinging to life: “911 emergency – just a reminder that Dark Knight Rises comes out July 20, and if you die you’ll miss it.”
July 11, 2012 at 6:24 am
That is very true… I think I would try to hold on a little longer. I was kind of imagining this scenario in my head as I was driving late last night… and my phone battery was almost dead… and I was like “Wouldn’t it be just my luck, I go off the road and crash into a tree, and my last phone call I can make goes to a pre-recorded message…”
July 10, 2012 at 6:53 am
I laughed so hard! You should do more when I am president posts. 🙂
July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am
You know, I keep thinking about those, and drawing a complete blank. I fully intended that to be a regular feature. Apparently my “when I am president” is in the ‘Silent Cal Coolidge’ stage.
July 10, 2012 at 6:54 am
ugh, computerized operator from HELL! Press a random series of numbers until an operator is alerted to your inability to follow instructions, and rescues you from the soothing tones of “Press seven- six if …”
hilarious post!
July 10, 2012 at 10:12 am
It’s the “Return to the main menu” option I always fear. That means none of the options sounded right, so now you have to start over and shoot for “close enough.”
July 10, 2012 at 7:30 am
That would be a nightmare! Whoa!
I got my first reverse 911 call last week. With all the fires raging in Colorado people started praying and with all the praying it started raining and with all the rain we got flash floods! I am 15 miles away from the small towns that were in warning status so I don’t know why they sent the message. It was weird to hear that dischord emergency sound coming out of my phone!
I hope you are recovering well from your birthday and Jules surprise! We were hiding for hours!
July 10, 2012 at 10:15 am
Next come the locusts, I assume. Yuck. Yeah, when 911 calls you, that’s got to get your attention.
I got a call once saying “Do you know where your car is?” I said yes, it’s on the corner of blah and blah and they said, No, actually it’s in the next state. That’s how I learned that it had been stolen.
July 10, 2012 at 10:38 am
Oh man! I bet that was a shock!
July 10, 2012 at 7:38 am
Too close to reality. I think you just wrote the script for future emergency response calls. Very funny, Jules.
July 10, 2012 at 8:22 am
Whoops! OK, while “Go Jules Go” is very funny, my comment was intended for “The Byronic Man.”
July 10, 2012 at 10:16 am
Have you seen Idiocracy? It’s not a great movie, but the Emergency Room scene is inspired.
July 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm
That recommendation alone makes it one that I’d like to check out. Thanks for the tip.
July 10, 2012 at 8:43 pm
It’s an odd one – it’s by Mike Judge (who made Office Space). There are countless moments that are brilliant, but collectively it doesn’t work. It’s a better movie to remember than to watch. Worth it, though.
July 10, 2012 at 8:12 am
That was hillarious, and sad! It’s hard to decide whether to laugh so hard I can’t breathe (which I nearly did), or be afraid to ever have an emergency! I tweeted this one.
July 10, 2012 at 10:17 am
Cool, thanks!
July 10, 2012 at 10:30 am
heh …. the guy with the fire is the best… 🙂
July 10, 2012 at 8:45 pm
I’ll bet $10,000 that some version of that statement was made by a cro-magnon man watching the guy with the torch.
July 11, 2012 at 7:51 am
Ha! I bet you would win that bet too, lol
July 10, 2012 at 10:34 am
But but but if I have to choose between services in a time of crisis…do I want market leader? Market follower? Or Sprite? I could die waiting for CocaCola to get that 14 car semitrailer with the fairy lights and Santa on the side into town…but I’d die cool.
July 10, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Brand loyalty is more important than ever during a crisis.
July 10, 2012 at 1:57 pm
That sounds about right.
July 10, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Sadly…
July 10, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Soon I’ll be able to buy stain-be-gone and the hottest new kitchen tools while I wait for emergency services. YES!!
July 11, 2012 at 8:50 am
They could find out what your emergency is, then custom fit the products that you can buy. Heart attack? Brand-name aspirin. Fire? Paint or furniture, depending on the severity.
July 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm
God, how do you come up with this stuff?! This is great! I hope this is not where we’re heading….I haven’t, knock on wood, had any emergencies lately.
July 10, 2012 at 8:49 pm
There was this interview with the mayor of this town in Georgia where they’ve privatized everything, including 911, and I just started giggling. That’s what I’ve been reduced to. I listen to the news for ‘a-ha’ moments.
July 10, 2012 at 8:52 pm
That’s scary, the privatizing part…not the giggling. It’s good to laugh about things. We need to do this. Thanks for making it possible.
July 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm
So funny, a joy to read as always.
July 10, 2012 at 8:55 pm
This comment is enhance immeasurably with the little dog in your avatar saying it. Thanks for coming by!
July 10, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Note to self: do not read this post whilst eating lunch otherwise you WILL choke on your food and be forced to call 9-1-2 Emergency Chat Line.
Hysterical.
July 10, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Now THAT’S synergy! I think. I may not understand synergy.
July 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm
An extra catchy theme song could help market the new 911 companies. I can’t help but think the song from the old (PBS) 3-2-1 Contact’s Bloodhound Gang would fit.
“Whenever there’s trouble, we’re here on the double…if you’ve got the crime, we’ve got the time…” And maybe an adorable animal mascot to dance around singing it.
July 10, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I have such a dim memory of 3-2-1- Contact, but I loved it as a kid. The total I remember of the show was this snippet of the opening theme: There’s a rocket, and then the vocals go “3! 2! 1! Contact! Is the something! It’s the something when something somethiiiiing! Contact! It’s the something!..” and so on.
Like a steel trap, my friend. Like a steel trap.
July 11, 2012 at 4:19 am
Did you just add this series to your Netflix queue? I thought so.
July 11, 2012 at 1:27 am
This post is hilarious! Are they seriously thinking of privatizing? That may not be a bad thing, necessarily. I have usually found private services to be better run then government ones, no matter which continent I am on.
July 11, 2012 at 8:52 am
There have been a few towns that have – I heard an interview with some people from a town in Georgia where they privatized everything, including 911.
July 11, 2012 at 7:12 am
Outsourcing 9-1-1 – crazy stuff, there. Well-done and imaginative, my friend.
July 11, 2012 at 8:53 am
Crazy… but unfortunately not entirely fictitious.
And I think I’ve asked you this before, but any idea why I can’t subscribe to your blog?
July 11, 2012 at 8:56 am
No. What happens when you try to subscribe? I’ll try to pin it down if you have some info on what’s happening. Right now, my end seems okay. Hmm??
July 11, 2012 at 8:03 pm
You missed an opportunity to put all of it with an Indian dialect cause you know the first thing they would do is set the call center up in Mumbai
July 12, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I can’t believe how insensitive that 911 operator was, going on and on about some rom-com while the caller was in serious distress. Wouldn’t they know to only advertise medical thrillers?