Here There Be Dragons (Or There Should Be, Anyway)

June 24, 2012

Humor

The other night I had this dream – no wait, come back!  I promise it doesn’t go on and on.  So, in this dream, I’m with my two best friends and we see George Lucas.  We get very excited and give ourselves a little pep talk: yes, we don’t like all the revisions and additions and mutations he’s inflicting on the Star Wars films, but – we remind each other – he’s still the architect of the most important films of our childhoods.  A midwife to our young imaginations.

“Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and dragons. We must be cautious.”

We go over to him and tell him all these things and he says, “Wow, that’s great, thanks! Well, you’ll be really excited, because I’m just finishing up a new re-mastered version of the original film, only we’ve added a fire-breathing dragon!”  Then he starts going on about how realistic it looks, and we start murmuring to each other about how we should handle this.  Do we say anything?  Do we act excited?

So, first off, yes, this is the sort of thing I apparently dream about.

But then I started thinking about how a version of Episode IV with a fire-breathing dragon could be pretty great.  Like the scene when Han chases the stormtroopers down the passage of the Death Star, and then comes running back, only instead of the stormtroopers behind him, it’s a big, snorting dragon?  Or the attack on the Death Star?  “I’ve got a dragon on my tail!”  “Stay on target…”  “There’s fire everywhere!”  “Stay on target…”

Then I really got thinking – thinking about all the movies that might benefit from the addition of a fire-breathing dragon.  Really, you take any boring scene, have a dragon walk in?  This scene just got interesting.

“Wow, honey, I can’t believe I was so reluctant to watch Love, Actually with you! This is AWESOME.”

Twilght? “Oh, sparkly vampire, I love you so much it makes me sulk.”  “What about me, the werewolf, and my abs?  Don’t you love me?” “I suppose, but I—“ “GRRRAAWWWRRR!!!”  *FOOOOOOM*  All dead.  Roll credits.

The King’s Speech?  “Curse this socially non-threatening disability that afflicts me during a historically significant era.  I must conquer this problem, for perhaps it my speech that will make the difference between survival, and being destroyed by Hitler’s dragons.”

Gandhi?  “British imperialists, I will not fight you. I believe in non-violence.  Ghidrah here, on the other hand…”

In fact, the real question is what movie might not be improved by the addition of a dragon.  So what do you think?  For this week’s Weekly Question of the Week: What movie would you most like to see a fire-breathing dragon added to?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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116 Comments on “Here There Be Dragons (Or There Should Be, Anyway)”

  1. Anastasia Says:

    Crouching Tiger

    Reply

  2. Rinth Says:

    Titanic!

    Reply

  3. Ape No. 1 Says:

    Haha! I would pay double to watch your version of that sparkly vampire movie if a dragon was involved. I think “Driving Miss Daisy” could benefit from a bit of fire breathing dragon action in the rear view mirror. I can just imagine the Michael Bay directed dragon car chase already.

    Reply

  4. becomingcliche Says:

    Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That’s the only way that film might make even a BIT of sense.

    Reply

  5. wordswithnannaprawn Says:

    Vanilla Sky – specifically, Penelope Cruz turning into one, just so that I can see how high Tom Cruise really can jump on a couch.

    Reply

  6. Go Jules Go Says:

    Okay, first off, that dream is delightfully nerdy. Make sure your wife knows you’re dreaming about that and not Princess Leia.

    Movie dragons should be added to: Forrest Gump. It’s gotta be the ONLY thing missing from Forrest Gump. “Life is like a box of…ohhh nooooo, Cap’n Dan!! RUN! I mean…”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “My God, what’s happening? The crows, the seagulls, even the robins, and there’s… what is that…? Oh, hell. This just got quite a bit more concerning, Tippi.”

      Reply

  7. Saara Says:

    Silence of the Lambs.

    Reply

  8. Impybat Says:

    The Great Escape.

    Reply

  9. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hangover..what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, including battling a fire breathing dragon.

    Reply

  10. Carol O. Says:

    (I can’t believe none of you said, “Gone With the Wind.”) Let’s see… well, a dragon added to any of Adam Sandler’s movies still wouldn’t make me watch them, but somehow I think it would help someone, somewhere.

    Reply

  11. Jackie Cangro Says:

    The Sixth Sense
    I see dead people (and fire breathing dragons).

    Reply

  12. susanwhozan Says:

    I think Michael more needs firebreathingdragons (one word!) To all of his films! He could have one ride around on his shoulder like Denays Targarian! Sexy!

    Reply

  13. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I don’t think I will be able to watch another movie without picturing a dragon in it, now. Of course to the movies benefit.
    I have two that come to mind…if “Reds” had a dragon in it there wouldn’t have been people walking out of theatres half way through and it would have been a much shorter movie.
    “Gladiator”, that Russell Crowe movie. The only movie in my life I have ever fallen asleep watching. I still haven’t seen the whole thing. A dragon would have changed that.

    Reply

  14. Michael Says:

    I could think of one or two TV shows that could stand to have fire-breathing dragons as well. Like, say, Full House. “Whatever happened to predictability?” I’ll tell you what happened. DRAGONS.

    Reply

  15. susielindau Says:

    I think Twilight could have benefited from a fire-breathing dragon since it could have added a little excitement to the yawn-fest. “Edward. Your so …….pale. Oh My God! There’s a fire-breathing dragon!”

    Reply

  16. Richard Wiseman Says:

    You, Me & Dupree, but instead of Dupree it’ s a dragon. That’d liven things up. My other two choices were ‘The Good, The Bad & The Dragon’ & ‘When Sally Met Dragon’.

    Reply

  17. artzent Says:

    Gosh, there are so many but I cannot stop lol to focus. I need one to keep me away from this computer or blast it with a fire ball!

    Reply

  18. crubin Says:

    Any movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book. In any scene. Just fire breathe the sap away.

    Reply

  19. racheldeangelis Says:

    The Matrix. I think the sequels would have done exponentially better in the box office if instead of Neo just fighting more and more Mr. Smiths, he would have fought a fire-breathing dragon. Let’s see him try to slow-motion dodge scorching flames! …not quite as easy as a tiny bullet.

    Reply

  20. k8edid Says:

    The Color Purple.

    Reply

  21. Love & Lunchmeat Says:

    Evita. The only way Evita will ever be watchable is if Madonna were to get killed by a dragon… Really though, that’s true for any Madonna movie. I may have secretly liked Dick Tracy, but I was twelve so I can probably blame that on my parents. Plus, it would still be better with a dragon. Bonus points if he could sing the end credits.

    Reply

  22. Lenore Diane Says:

    Raising Arizona.
    Perhaps, if a dragon were in Raising Arizona I would like the movie. I can see it now… Nicholas Cage is being chased by a fire breathing dragon, while holding a box of diapers and wearing panty hose on his head. Yep. I’d like that movie.

    Reply

  23. Lenore Diane Says:

    What about Bob.
    He’d burn Bob in the first scene, and the movie would be over. Amen.

    Reply

  24. sj Says:

    Half Baked

    Snatch

    PeeWee’s Big Adventure

    That last one especially. There’s no basement in the Alamo BUT THERE IS A GIANT FIRE BREATHING DRAGON!

    Reply

  25. prttynpnk Says:

    Beaches. Actually any Bette Midler movie…….

    Reply

  26. Angie Z. Says:

    Holy crap, these answes are awesome. Great dream, great question.

    I’d probably say Uncle Buck. As in, “Honey, we have to leave the kids with somebody. We’ve got your idiot loser brother with nothing better to do, and we’ve got a fire-breathing dragon.” Riveting, right?

    Reply

  27. Michelle Says:

    If a fire-breathing dragon was added to The Expendables, it may just have to become my favorite movie of all time. Think about it: the addition of a dragon plus all the gun powder already present in the movie would be an infinite amount of more explosions!

    Home Alone, on the other hand, may not benefit much from a fire-breathing dragon. An 8-year-old out-smarting two dim-witted robbers is more entertaining than seeing the Wet Bandits obliterated by a dragon. It’s really not a fair fight.

    Reply

  28. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    I don’t have an answer to your question, yet, but I do have a somewhat related anecdote.

    Upon finishing Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I found myself reporting to Ba.D. that the story was great, but that Lincoln’s life was much more interesting to me unmodified. Rare is the man I could say that about . . .

    Oh, wait. The answer just came to me.

    Ghost is the movie that couldn’t be improved upon by a dragon, because it is perfect as is. (Should anyone attempt to say otherwise, please note that I’M NOT LISTENING.)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Fun fact about me: I never like to cast aspersions on people’s favorite movies.

      On an unrelated note, yes, Ghost. That was a very good movie that I enjoyed and thought Whoopi Goldberg added gravitas to.

      Reply

  29. the mindless philosopher Says:

    the sound of music. the von trapp family crosses the mountains, the nazis follow, and just as we’re led to think that the von trapp’s are doomed — in pops the fire breathing dragon.

    Reply

  30. colinsplace Says:

    Thinking about this now, The Italian Job, the 1969 Michael Caine original, of course.

    Puts a whole new meaning to the classic line, ” You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”

    Maybe its a British thing, dunno …

    Reply

  31. gingerfightback Says:

    The Girl With The Draon Tattoo!

    Reply

  32. Anarya Andir Says:

    Ahahahah! A dragon in Twilight would have been the most welcome addition. It should have happened immediately after the movie started. Then we wouldn’t have had 5 movies and we could have all lived happily ever after. But it was not meant to be.

    What about having a fire-breathing dancing dragon in Moulin Rouge?

    Reply

  33. tonyjayg Says:

    Last night we sent a fire-breathing dragon into the big brother house and now all the housemates are toast.

    Reply

  34. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    How about Con Air? Now, I like this movie but it would be so much enhanced with a fire-breathing dragon in it.

    Cons get ready to depart from the abandoned airport, dragging the car behind the plane……”Oh, man! We’re dragging a car behind us, and…WHOA!!!! WHAT’S THAT?
    Dragon coming up behind us and CLOSING FAST!!!”

    Reply

  35. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    How about “The Godfather?” With a dragon, there’d be no messy mob hits to blame on the mob. He’d just come in, his fiery breath would then wipe out their competitors, the movie-making horse owner – rather than the horse head in the bed, and the loathsome son-in-law.

    Reply

  36. Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. Says:

    The thought of a dragon in PeeWee’s Big Adventure is sooo funny! But my first thought was Lion’s response to a dragon in The Wizard of Oz.

    Reply

  37. musingsoftheamusingmuse Says:

    Maybe if it was a Krayt Dragon….

    Reply

  38. PCC Advantage Says:

    An Inconvenient Truth.

    I believe we could then, somehow, blame the dragon for global warming.

    Reply

  39. anecdotaltales Says:

    The Dark Knight Rises. A: It’s still 25 days away, so they’ve got time, right? B: It’s going to be the best movie of the summer… so why not make it best-er? C: C’mon. Knight. It’s right there in the title. D: Rises? Like a phoenix rises from the ashes? Phoenixes are dragons, right? Maybe? E: Picture it. Bane and his thugs run down the streets of Gotham. The entire GCPD run down to street to counter them. The two sides seem evenly matched…. until Batman rides in on a mother-flippin’ dragon. Bat-Dragon. Think about it.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I have an eyebrow raised so skeptically at DK Rises that I’ve practically pulled a muscle. I’m very concerned about it. If it’s bad, then I say bring on the dragon. Just go all out.

      Reply

  40. Lynn Reynolds Says:

    Bridge On the River Kwai. When William Holden comes back to blow up the bridge, his dragon sidekick could just burn it down.

    Lawrence of Arabia. Lawrence crossing the desert on the back of a Common Welsh Green instead of on horseback. “Nothing is written! But it might be burned!”

    When Harry Met Sally. The dragon could play Billy Crystal’s best friend. Sally could have a dragon too. Think what excitement that could add to the scene where they fix up their two best friends.

    Also, if there’s not a dragon in The Princess Bride, there really should be. That’s the only way it could possibly be even better than it already is.

    Reply

  41. Stephanie Says:

    A League of Their Own– “THERE ARE NO DRAGONS IN BASEBALL!”

    Reply

  42. Mercedes Viola Says:

    I got it!! “Taste of Cherry” by Kiarostami. I didn’t enjoy and of course (even if i’m not blonde and i have little tits) i didn’t understood that film. If it would had a dragon i wouldn’t get sleep on the cinema. maybe.

    Reply

  43. cartpsych Says:

    I might just sit through a “special edition” My Dinner With Andre under those conditions.

    Reply

  44. Elyse Says:

    How about The Devil Wears Prada? There were way too few dragons in that movie. After all, it was about women and fashion.

    Reply

  45. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Ok, Inglorious Basterds – torching me some Nazis …..

    or how bout Oceans 11, 12 & 13 – what better distraction to pull focus from their heists than a fire-breather?

    Reply

  46. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    Being a dragon lover and firmly believing in the magnificent creatures I have enjoyed reading the suggestions given above. As I have pondered the question, I have started thinking about some of my favorite movies.

    Red – Retired CIA, awesome actors, add a secret dragon into the mix and an already great movie could get really interesting.

    The Expendables – Especially the new one with Chuck Norris.

    Die Hard Movies – any of them. Bruce Willis with a dragon? Lots more fire and fun.

    Reply

  47. notanotherrandomgirl Says:

    Hi,
    I nominated your blog for an award 🙂
    If you want to pass it on to another blogger you can see how to do that by going to my page http://glitterglamourfun.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/i-just-won-another-award/

    Love what you write.

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    Reply

  48. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    I don’t want to hurt any sentiments but would love to see few dragons in the movie Gandhi

    Reply

  49. wtgeorge Says:

    Reblogged this on Still Cheesy after all these years and commented:
    Nice!

    Reply

  50. jcgator1 Says:

    PS. I love you. It would definitely make the movie more romantic…somehow.

    Reply

  51. Vickie Says:

    Blair Witch Project. Then it might have been worth the $5 I spent to see it in the theatre.

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. – Lynn Reynolds - Author - June 25, 2012

    […] Here There Be Dragons […]

  2. Monkey Business « My Elegantly Cluttered Chamber - June 30, 2012

    […] to? And I thought Titanic needed a little heating up so that’s what I suggested *giggles*. Here‘s the post. If I’d known that before I climbed that tree I’d have done a flailing […]

  3. Sleepovers « My Elegantly Cluttered Chamber - July 9, 2012

    […] of all I have to tell you guys about the contest I’ve won. Remember it? The one where I suggested the Byronic Man to put a dragon in Titanic. Yeah people voted and thought it was […]

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