Airport Security: The Best Friend Who’ll Ever Indefinitely Detain You Without Charge

June 26, 2012


The TSA has begun working on reforming its methods at America’s airports to be more friendly and considerate of travelers passing through security checkpoints.   – AP Newswire item

Hi there!  Where you headed?  Ah, Dublin, Ireland.  Well, top ‘o the morning to ye!  Ha ha.  They don’t really say that, of course.  Beautiful country.  Have you been there before?  Oh, so much to see.  Wicklow, Kilkenny, the Guinness brewery… Ah, get a load of me, going on and on.  Hey, can I look at your passport for a second?  Thanks!  That’s so kind of you!

Whoa; you, my handsome friend, have lost some weight, haven’t you?  Come on, don’t be modest.

Ahhh. Just relax. Isn’t that nice? Little massage there for ya’?

So, listen – funny story.  You’re probably wondering why that confetti fell on you and Kool & The Gang started playing through the speakers.  Well, somehow you set off the metal detector.  No, it doesn’t do an alarm sound any more.  It was making people feel bad about themselves.  Well, between that and the fact that there’s something just kind of, you know, funny looking on the x-ray of your bag, we thought it might be a great chance for us to hang out!  Chat.  Get to know each other.  Hang on, Officer Sally just needs to give you a quick body massage.  Isn’t that nice?

Come on over to the lounge.  Latte?  Juice?  Muffin?  Let’s have a seat. You want my chair?  You sure?

Uh oh. Something in your bag made Figglesworth a saaaad little beagle. Which means you have the right to remain silent, doesn’t he Figglesworth? Yes, he does! Yes, he does!

Now, I hope you don’t mind, but while we shoot the breeze these cute little puppies are going to sniff your bags and you.  Aren’t they adorable?  Look at their little ears!

So, these big tubes of fluid you had in your bag.  What’s in there?  Hm, shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste?  Well, that’s makes sense to me.  It’s just that we have, heh heh, these silly rules about the amount of liquid you can take on board.  I know, crazy, right? Ha ha ha ha!  And then you also had those nail clippers in your pocket.  With the file.  You are clearly a man who takes pride in his appearance, and it shows!  Good for you!

Except, of course, you know… those pesky rules.  No, no, please.  Don’t get up.  Hey Officer Dan?  Could you activate The Tickler?  Thanks.

There.  Isn’t that better?  Nothing like a few thousand volts of tickling to calm you right down.  It’s like a 3-day spa in 10 seconds, isn’t it?

While perusing the fascinating biography of you that the government has on file – and, seriously, you should think about writing an autobiography; you are a wonderfully interesting guy – we couldn’t help but notice that you once got in trouble for being a minor in possession of alcohol and being out after curfew.  Also that you wrote a letter to the editor of your local paper complaining about the USA PATRIOT act.

Ah, look at that sunshine! And the green trees, and the ocean’s just out of sight! You’re going to love it.

We’d love to talk some more with you about your amazing life, and your grooming habits.  Wouldn’t that be fun?  To make it worth your while, we’re sending you to a tropical island!  It’s a little spot at the eastern end of Cuba we own.

Until we can get your room ready, though, you’ll be our guest at an unnamed, underground facility, where you’ll get chat sessions with our trained counselors every couple of hours, and regular Spa Tickler Sessions.  And, just real quick, you like sock puppets? How about latex sock puppets?  Well get ready for the zany hijinks of Mr. Cavity Search!  You never know what kind of caper he’ll get up to!

And, hey, thanks for coming to the airport today.  It’s been so great meeting you.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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72 Comments on “Airport Security: The Best Friend Who’ll Ever Indefinitely Detain You Without Charge”

  1. Ape No. 1 Says:

    I can just hear the soothing tones of Oris Redding playing at those wonderful guest facilities, “Sitting in the dock of the bay”


  2. wannabearchitect Says:

    LOL imagine if airport security was like this. 😀 Very positive atmosphere compared to reality though. I hate how some of the airport security staff can be indirectly racist and get away with it.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Oh, no it really is random that anyone with brownish skin is selected for closer security screening. Also, it’s a sign of respect that whether you’re Indian, Iranian, Indonesian, or Pakistani? You’re “Arabic.”


      • liberalcynic Says:

        Lol, that happened to me once. A security guy told me that because my boarding pass has ‘ssss’ on it, I’m gonna get some extra screening. If I remember right, the ‘ssss’ was handwritten! Still, for a brown guy, I haven’t been ‘randomly selected’ too much. Not having a Muslim name helps.


      • wannabearchitect Says:

        hahaha.. I hope American Airport Security Staff see this post, I bet they’d try to deny everything.


        • funnyphuppo Says:

          Ya, as a Muslim, I find it interesting how every time I am ‘randomly selected’ for extra security. I was so thoroughly sick of air travel, that I started taking the train for anything shorter than 6-8 hours by road.


  3. africanstardust Says:

    Oh my word. As a frequent international traveler, all I can say is, I wish they were this nice. The TSA: making your long and exhausting journey even more long and exhausting.


  4. andy logan Says:

    A brave new TSA.


  5. Tori Nelson Says:

    This sounds like a few college parties I went to as a kid.


  6. becomingcliche Says:

    Sign me up for some airline tickets RIGHT NOW! I don’t care where I’m going. I just want to be in on the party!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There’s a great game where they blindfold you, and spin you around and around and around… that’s kind of it. That’s the whole game.


      • Paul G. Eberlein Says:

        Is that like the game where they tie you to a board, cover your face with a towel, and then pour water over the towel and your face? Let’s play “tell us your terrorist secrets.”
        Hoo-whee! Nothing like near-drowning to put you in a party mood!


  7. Elyse Says:

    It’s been years since I’ve been to the Caribbean. I didn’t realize it would be so easy to get there!


  8. 1pointperspective Says:

    I’m glad to hear they’re getting rid of those police-looking uniforms in favor of Mr. Rogers cardigans, khakis and loafers.


  9. sj Says:

    I want to go! No, seriously. I can leave the littlies at home, right? Torture Tickling doesn’t sound so bad right now.


  10. Lenore Diane Says:

    Those aren’t my nail clippers, I swear. I don’t know how they got into my pocket.


  11. susielindau Says:

    Latex sock puppets! OOooooooooooOOOoooOOoooO!


  12. Go Jules Go Says:

    Ha! It all seems SO much scarier imagining that they’re “nice.” Really. I’m laughing but I’m scared.

    I always get searched. I’m convinced they think I’m Peppermeister’s mule.


  13. nikkix2 Says:

    I just want to be sniffed by a cute little puppy.


  14. Marie Says:

    I just love how their body scanning machine is appropriately called Rapi-Scan. Why yes, it IS pronounced RAPE-Y-SCAN, nice of you to notice!


  15. pegoleg Says:

    Thank goodness the eastern end of Cuba is still able to employ Spa Tickler Puppet sessions on dangerous traveler-types like you, even if they can’t use them on actual terrorists. You’ll just love the Spa Water Facials!


  16. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Ooooh, free Caribbean vacation. I’m in. Although I’d prefer to actually SEE the ocean, rather than being CLOSE to the ocean. I’m funny that way.


  17. Richard Wiseman Says:

    “If you could just drop your pants and undergarments and Dr Prock here will give you our complimentary prostrate check. My those are interesting Y-Fronts sir! Do you mind if our fashion experts test their resilience in a controlled explosion? Now brace yourself the good doctor is ready…”


  18. artzent Says:

    LOL This has me in stitches. I once had female security guard say, ‘Let me know if I touch a sensitive place”. I replied,” My whole body is sensitive!”. It’s a wonder that I did not get hauled off! No sense of humor, those vultures! lol


  19. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Wow! This almost makes you want to set off the metal detector.


  20. Audrey Says:

    This brings a whole new meaning to “imaginary” friends!


  21. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Oh Man this was Hilarious….hey BM i think you will definitely be hired to do their ‘oh so friendly arrest write ups’….
    you are one wicked guy…loved reading it


  22. T.L. Gibson Says:

    My son and nephew were leaving to Orlando for the summer. Security would not let me go through with them. I wanted to stay until they boarded. However, if you have no ticket, the first security check point is as far as you can get. I live in San Antonio and believe me they are mean and very rude!


  23. Angie Z. Says:

    So sweet! I feel as close to these people now as Bea Arthur did to Betty White. I know this’ll make me seem like a big cheesy sap, but I sort of feel like singing “Thank You For Being a Friend” after reading this.


  24. Love & Lunchmeat Says:

    I carry extra big toothpaste just so I can get “special treatment”. 50% of the time it works every time. Kidding, actually the last time we traveled it was my son’s unusual walk that set off security. You gotta watch out for those extra tiny terrorists.


  25. anecdotaltales Says:

    Delightful. I look forward to seeing these changes invoked next time I fly. (Once again, kudos to you sir.)


  26. Valentine Logar Says:

    Perfect, really just perfect. The amazing thing is most of them are high school graduates (that is all they need) from our public school system. This means most of them cannot read, write or do simple math.

    that is why everything, all their training uses pictures instead.


  27. Meredith Says:

    A chihuahua once sniffed my bags at an airport. It did belong to the security personel. And I did almost step on it. By accident. I swear.


  28. gingerfightback Says:

    I was onced questioned for several hours at Brisbane airport after a dog sniffed a bag of smokey bacon crisps in our luggage. It was the one thing my friend who had emigrated had asked to bring over/smuggle. The Aussie customs didn’t see the funny side though. 2 hours later they let us go and guess what I see the other side of the Venetian blind? yep 2 custom officials munching on smoky bacon crisps. Our case is gong through the courts still (not the luggage but our legal redress).


  29. PCC Advantage Says:

    I’m actually flying into Dublin on Saturday.

    This is exactly how I expect to be treated at the airport.



    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Print out a copy of the post and show it to security. Might help.


    • pegoleg Says:

      I am SO jealous! I went a couple of years ago and absolutely loved Ireland. Got any room in your carry-on for a passenger?


      • PCC Advantage Says:

        Possibly. I always take WAY more suitcases than need be, so I might be able to fit you in. You don’t mind shoving yourself into a carry-on, do you? 😉

        Yeah, I went to Ireland last year and loved it so much that I’m going back again…there’s something magical about that place.

        Must be the leprechauns…


  30. mistyslaws Says:

    Well, if they are gonna offer me a latte and muffin, maybe I wouldn’t mind a little chat with the nice TSA agents. And puppies!! Who doesn’t love puppies? Yeah, that doesn’t sound so bad.

    However . . . I would NOT like the tickler.

    But a little vacation in a super secret location might not be so bad.


  31. Food Stories Says:

    If only they were this pleasant at the airport … great post 🙂


  32. freddyflow Says:

    I (heart) Figglesworth. Yes I do, yes I do!


  33. phoxis Says:

    I have one question, what do they do with the confiscated pickles ?



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