Is he going to notice the mold on the windowsill?! Is he going to notice the — MOLD!! THERE’S MOLD ON THE WINDOWSILL!! LOOK OVER THERE!! Oh, man, this is exciting TV!
In news that could prove quite shocking to no one, more and more reality TV shows are turning out to be fake. I know. Fakery reigns, from Survivor inserting fake footage to make the challenges look more exciting, to participants on multiple shows being goaded into fighting, to it turning out that the contestants on Cash Cab aren’t random, but carefully selected and screened, to the revelation that the HGTV show House Hunters usually features people who are in fact totally and definitely hunting for a house, except for the fact that they’re not. Apparently most of the featured people on this program have already bought a house, and then they pretend to look at other houses before inevitably choosing the house they’ve already signed the loan for. Often, apparently, the houses the people are taken to look at aren’t even for sale.
Oh, wait – they’re hunting a house, literally? Well, that is interesting!
Now – side note – I try not to pass judgment on other people’s viewing tastes (that’s a lie), but I’m not sure I get the appeal of watching people buy a house. Maybe I need to give the show a try, but unless they’re looking at underwater houses, or tree houses, or something, it just sounds tiring. But now it’s watching people who are not even really looking at houses. Truly, it is a golden era for television, isn’t it?
Anyway, just in case, to protect you against future shocks, here a few things you might want to be prepared for on television:
Pulling weeds isn’t as hard as infomercials would have you believe. It is, however, a million times more boring.
Charlie Sheen is not really a lovable scamp. He is both a loathsome person, and clearly mentally ill. Neither of these things are “entertainment.”
Liar!
The island from Lost isn’t a real place. It exists in your mind. Or the afterlife. Or something.
Joanie doesn’t really love Chachi. She was just using him for his muscle-tees.
The Kardashians are not really interesting. I don’t even know who they are, beyond a name and a tabloid industry.
Supplies are not really limited. Unless you consider that all things are, technically, finite. Someday the sun will grow large enough to consume the Earth, and supplies will no longer be available
The judges on America’s Got Talent don’t really think every single contestant is going to be a huge star. But turning to each other and saying, “Wow. That guy isn’t going to go far with that, but he’ll always have a moderately interesting talent. Maybe he’ll be able to book a club in Wichita.”
Sexy, available ladies are not really waiting for you to call. Maybe the island on Lost was supposed to be a parallel universe? You know what, I probably need to see that final episode a few more times.
Medical cures are usually not instantaneous, even if prescribed by Dr. House. In the real world, sometimes it takes a whole day to recover from debilitating illness (and from the 15 extremely invasive medications Dr. House prescribed on a whim).
Donald Trump, in a quiet moment before assembly.
Donald Trump is not really a human being. He is a puppet in need of repair, being operated by 3 guys who don’t talk to each other.
But, let’s see, I think that’s it. Yep. Everything else on TV is true.
In any case, hopefully this helps, because at least now you know, right? And as they used to say on GI Joe, “knowing is half the battle.”
But I’m not sure that’s true…
The Byronic Man 
June 13, 2012 at 3:46 am
They need to work on a better system for adhering Trump’s puppet hair to his puppet head. Where’s the genius of Jim Henson when you need it.
June 13, 2012 at 10:24 am
It’s the hair that gives him his muppet/Fraggle Rock whimsy, though! Like Gonzo’s nose, or Fozzie’s hat!
June 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Good point. I knew someone like Trump had to be behind all of that Doozer construction that never seemed to get anywhere. Probably why the show went bankrupt and ultimately went off air.
June 13, 2012 at 3:53 am
A police office kindly reminded me of this fact after we were robbed and I politely asked “are you going to take fingerprints?” and he said “you watch too much T.V. lady” as he sat in his dry car. We stood out in the POURING rain for over an hour waiting…because I didn’t want to disturb the crime scene. I can no longer watch CSI with the same awe.
June 13, 2012 at 10:27 am
Can you imagine a “real detectives” TV show? They show up to the crime scene, get everyone’s statement, sigh, tell you they’ll see what they can do but don’t get your hopes up, then you fight with your insurance company.
June 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Hahaha…yea they would need a “sigh” track instead of the “laugh” track. I am a maniac when I watch these shows now…beyond cynical!
June 13, 2012 at 3:22 pm
My wife had chronic Lyme disease for several years, and then we saw an episode of House where the patient has Lyme and it’s cured in a couple hours. We were not amused.
June 14, 2012 at 3:16 am
I feel her pain..literally. Just the stress of being tested for everything under the sun with no answers is enough to take a person down, not to mention the cost. Unbelievable! Thanks Dr. House. I’m glad she got her answer.
June 13, 2012 at 4:04 am
Are you telling me that those people never went on a three hour tour? That you can’t make a bicycle out of bamboo and coconuts which can generate electricity? I’m sorry, but I think you’re wrong. You HAVE to be wrong, or my entire childhood is a lie!
June 13, 2012 at 6:29 am
Have you ever seen GalaxyQuest? Fantastic movie – if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it (and you’ll see the cover and think I’m an idiot, but trust me on this one). There’s a great moment when the protagonists are trying to explain that the TV broadcasts these aliens have been picking up aren’t “historical documents,” that they’re just pretend. Sigourney Weaver says, “I mean, you don’t think Gilligan’s Island is real” and the aliens all suddenly look forlorn. “Those poor people…”
June 13, 2012 at 6:52 am
That’s one of my favorite movies. There, I said it. I scored the VHS version at Goodwill a couple of weeks ago and have watched it twice since then, giggling like a loon both times.
June 13, 2012 at 10:28 am
I actually frequently use it in my film classes. It’s extraordinarily well-written, in terms of entertainment – it not only manages to appeal to Trekkies and Trek-Haters, you’re in a constant state of enjoying what’s happening and wondering what will happen next.
June 13, 2012 at 8:19 am
Agreed. Galaxy Quest is an excellent movie. Worth watching again and again.
June 13, 2012 at 11:44 am
I LOVED that movie. One of my faves. Don’t know why it didn’t do more in terms of sales.
June 13, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I remember that the thinking was that Trekkies stayed away because they thought it was mocking them, and non-trekkies stayed away because they wouldn’t get the jokes. Usually that sort of analysis ignores the fact the the movie in question just plain sucked, but in this case that makes sense. I genuinely don’t know if I’ve met someone who’s seen it and didn’t enjoy it.
June 13, 2012 at 4:05 am
I am in utter shock. Are you serious? Cash Cab isn’t real? That is it. I have completely given up on the fate of the human race now.
Some day soon I am waiting to find out my own life is really a reality show like Truman. Granted, it would be the world’s most boring show but, sometimes I think it must be fake and all these family members are really actors.
June 13, 2012 at 6:30 am
I don’t know. I remember you writing a post about doing a ton of squats as part of an exercise regiment, then not being able to walk the next day. That sounds like pretty good TV to me.
June 13, 2012 at 4:09 am
I hope the same is not true for all the books I read. So does this mean You are not real?
June 13, 2012 at 10:29 am
I’m a theoretical concept. I think, therefore I’m definitely “real” in the strict sense of the term, but after that it gets fuzzy.
Everything in books is true, though. Otherwise it couldn’t be published.
June 13, 2012 at 4:15 am
I’m hoping that this means that all of those Disney and Nick programs — the ones that celebrate incredibly rotten teenagers who are oh so much smarter than the dumb-ole adults and let everybody know about it with snottiness — aren’t real either. A quick trip to the mall makes me fear you are mistaken, Bryonic.
June 13, 2012 at 10:31 am
They’re real, they’re just demon-imps, sent here to infuriate us.
June 13, 2012 at 10:39 am
I am heartbroken. We are doomed.
June 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Thank you! I can’t stand how Disney and Nick have seemed to convince kids that every comment out of their mouths has to be sarcastic and snarky. And I don’t even have kids.
June 13, 2012 at 5:44 am
how could you do this to me..how could you…this one thing i knew was nothing but true,everything,every bit of it,even the sopranos…Dr House is Doctor right?
it will take years of therapy …
June 13, 2012 at 10:31 am
Just don’t go to the therapist from the Sopranos. She didn’t help at all. Maybe try that nice Dr. Frasier Crane!
June 13, 2012 at 6:12 am
Sorry, B Man, I have to take exception to one of the items on your list: The Kardashians aren’t exciting even on their show.
June 13, 2012 at 10:33 am
I’ve never actually seen it, but I have no problem believing you. There seem to be people who swear by them as their sassy, celebrity friends, though.
June 13, 2012 at 6:39 am
Well, I think now that you have given up the most closely guarded secret in the universe you will find a lot more of us TV folk out of work…again! What were you thinking, man?
June 13, 2012 at 10:41 am
Yes, the shock-waves of terror at my might have no doubt brought the television industry to a stand-still. But not to worry, I will raze it, then rebuild!
June 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Let me know when you are hiring 😉
June 13, 2012 at 6:56 am
I love HGTV. But last night I was watching their Design Star competition, which I also love, and the challenge was to design an office for Chris Jenner, who apparently is the mom of the Kardashians. And the show right after that was about designing obscenely expensive closets…and it was for the same person!
I thought at least on HGTV I could get away from that hideous franchise! And now you say House Hunters is rigged? I am bitter and disillusioned.
June 13, 2012 at 10:49 am
Mm-mm-mm, now that’s good Corporate Synergy!
June 13, 2012 at 11:23 am
The 2 channels must be owned by the same company, which I never would have thought. Being manipulated with that kind of brand incest drives me bonkers.
June 13, 2012 at 11:47 am
I too am stunned that HH is no real. Can’t tell you how many of those MLB and I have watched. They’ve already bought the house???? WHAT????
June 13, 2012 at 11:47 am
*not* – woops
June 13, 2012 at 7:13 am
Now I’m starting to think that all of those Tae Bo commercials were just aimed at parting me from my money and Billy Blanks had no intention of ever giving me the 6 pack abs he promised.
June 13, 2012 at 10:52 am
Oh, exercise commercials are totally on the level. Everyone gets insanely ripped in 10 minutes a day.
June 13, 2012 at 7:14 am
The key to pulling weeds is to find someone dumber than you and offer them lemonade/drugs/shiny things in return for pulling the weeds. At least, that’s what my sister always told me when she was bringing me my lemonade…
Don’t get me started on the Kardashians. There was barely enough meat for one show, and they turned it into three… I tell myself that they probably donate lots of money to charity. Self-preservation, then I don’t have to bang my head against the wall.
June 13, 2012 at 10:53 am
There are THREE Kardashian shows?
And I wouldn’t investigate too deeply in to that “I bet they give to charity” theory…
June 13, 2012 at 7:31 am
Sadly, “Hoarders” is one show that is “real”…a friend of mine has produced afew of them & says its hard to keep staff for the show because its so emotionally draining…..
On another note, I always thought ChaChi could’ve done better, someone without the racoon eyes…
June 13, 2012 at 10:54 am
I believe that about staff for Hoarders. I can barely watch an episode without feeling hollowed-out.
June 13, 2012 at 7:56 am
That makes so much sense! That means the news aren’t real too!! Fox News isn’t really fair and balanced, Mitt Romney is just acting as if he is running for president, and Obama only pretends to be running the country!
June 13, 2012 at 10:54 am
That’s another shocking thing: every once in a while – not often, but from time to time – Fox News will accidentally say something that’s true.
June 13, 2012 at 8:20 am
Oh Byronic… I prefer living in a world of ignorance. Why did you have to introduce me to this world of clarity? Is nothing sacred?
June 13, 2012 at 10:56 am
How about this offer: you take the blue pill, and you’ll wake up in your own bed, and tell yourself whatever you like. You take the red pill, and keep going down the rabbit hole.
June 13, 2012 at 8:28 am
Ha! I don’t know if I’m happy or sad that I was still an eensy bit surprised about House Hunters. I think the appeal of that show is the whole ‘peek inside the medicine cabinet’ mentality. AND you get to know out how much the house (allegedly…) costs. …Not that I watch these shows or anything. No way.
Charlie Sheen. Don’t get me started! Is he getting any help??
And can someone PLEASE explain Two and A Half Men to me?! I can’t watch it because it actually steals light from my soul.
June 13, 2012 at 10:57 am
I’ve only seen about 3 minutes of 2.5 Men. Horrifying. And no one ever admits to watching it, yet it’s this huge hit. What’s going on there?
June 13, 2012 at 11:25 am
I think I saw the same 3 minutes to see what all the hubbub was about. Don’t get it at all.
June 13, 2012 at 11:48 am
I’m with you on 2.5 men, Jules. Don’t get the appeal at all.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
Oh, sure. Next you’re going to tell me that there’s no such thing as teleportation and Magnum was never really a P.I. and also it’s hard to run around in short shorts jumping over cars in Hawaii without burning one’s thighs. PS I have friends who were on House Hunters, and they really were looking and buying. But the producers totally told my guy friend to be the “negative” one and his wife to be the “positive” one. Now I look for fake negativity whenever I watch that show. (And I do watch it sometimes. Because I want to buy a house and I keep thinking I’ll gain perspective. When really I just judge people. And sometimes houses.)
June 13, 2012 at 10:58 am
Magnum PI is real, and I’ll refuse to believe otherwise.
I think that would be a really tough part about being on shows like this. “We’d like you to be the bitchy, mean spouse.” “But…” “Do you want to be on TV or not?”
June 13, 2012 at 10:23 am
And Operators are NOT standing by!
Fun post. I’m not a fan of House Hunters either. And the international version just p*sses me off. Who wants to watch rich people pick out vacation homes. Bring back “Trading Spaces”!
June 13, 2012 at 10:42 am
Awww. I actually liked Cash Cab, but now I shy from it due to fakeness. Other than that, “reality” tv holds little to no appeal, but after growing up on Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit, Cash Cab was able to fill a void for random trivia I didn’t know was inside. 🙂
June 13, 2012 at 11:00 am
I’d think a completely true Cash Cab could be great!
“You’re in the Cash Cab!”
“Just get me to the goddamn airport.”
“You’re in the Cash Cab!”
“THERE ARE BUGS UNDER MY SKIN!’
Etc.
June 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm
The Island on Lost isn’t real!?! So I went on all those plane trips for nothing… Well you have definitely saved me a lot of money, but I’m pretty sure you’ve destroyed a lot of people’s lives. And now they don’t even have Dr. House or Dr. Frasier Crane to help them. You do good work.
June 13, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Matthew Fox, from Lost, lives here where I do and a friend was dogsitting for him once while he was in Japan, and I thought how funny/freaky it would be to be seated next to him on a plane over the Pacific.
June 13, 2012 at 10:35 pm
Well, if the person hasn’t read your blog post yet, they would probably freak out about how the plane was going to crash and they were all going to die or have crazy adventures… or they would make awkward jokes about flying to him the whole time. Wow, he must hate flying now.
June 14, 2012 at 6:27 am
That was my thought, too. I wonder how many times he’s heard “Dibs on Kate!” or something.
June 14, 2012 at 11:11 am
and then he got a DUI.
June 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm
This is why I don’t really watch TV and spend most of my time on internet blogs. Because everything on the internet is true… right?!?
June 13, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Chyeah!
June 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm
Wow, I think you’ve just destroyed my faith in television, humanity, and the universe… I don’t know how I’ll possibly get by now.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 pm
Well, then I’ve done my job. Ahhhh.
June 13, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I love this post, but the line on Charlie Sheen is my favorite. Someone asked me to retweet something really clever they’d written during his recent breakdown, a request I rejected with an explanation that mental illness isn’t something I like to poke fun at. I even like weeding more.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 pm
I find the whole machine tragic and sick. Love them, consume them, ruin them, mock them, deride their tragic end.
June 13, 2012 at 2:33 pm
TV is the new opiate for the masses. By airing “reality” shows and wasting half hour blocks of our time selling products whose only need is in the mind of the charlatan hawking them we are headed to being the ultimately malleable audience, ready to be led by the nose to what ever fate the ubermeisters have determined for us.
June 13, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Remember that great Calvin & Hobbes? Calvin reads the line “Religion is the opiate of the masses” and says, “What does that mean?” and behind him we see the TV thinking “It means Marx hadn’t seen anything yet.”
June 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm
No! House Hunters isn’t real?! Say it isn’t so! I’m actually not being sarcastic. It sounds boring and at times it kind of is, but once it starts it’s hard to turn off. It’s TV that you don’t have to think about.
June 13, 2012 at 9:31 pm
I believe that. Shows like that are stunningly addictive. My wife and I watched “Hoarders” once and had to run when to commercial break came on to avoid watching, like, five episodes in a row.
June 14, 2012 at 11:16 am
I’m with you Carly. I love House Hunters and I’m really bummed because I can’t watch it now.
June 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm
I’ll probably choose to be in denial over this and continue watching with the same naivety as I always have. How else can I possibly learn how to best choose 1 house out of 3 available in a 30 minute time frame?
June 13, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Even though you are already a recommended blogger, this should get Freshly Pressed. Eye opening and hilarious! No way -House Hunters is fake??? Next you’ll be telling me that everyone is married on “Love in the Wild.” 🙂
June 13, 2012 at 9:30 pm
I’m fighting the urge to look up “Love in the Wild.” It won’t make me happy to know what it is, will it…
June 14, 2012 at 6:03 am
Probably not…. 🙂
June 14, 2012 at 9:00 am
Recently, I have been watching detective dramas and feeling bad for all the real detectives of the world. Clearly, the producers want the audience to feel “smart” for figuring out the crime scenarios before the TV detectives so they make the detectives look illogical and slow.
June 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm
I’m sorry, mostly the only thing I can think right now is CHACHIIIIIIIIII! I had the most gigantic crush on him when I was little…it may still be going strong.
June 14, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Haha, I love Househunters, but I have no idea why. I like watching idiots on reality TV. And you’re right…Joanie didn’t love Chachi, and he didn’t love her either. It was all fixed. Funny post.
June 16, 2012 at 3:30 am
Thanks for crushing me on the HGTV show. For some reason even though we have a house now my wife and I still enjoy watching House Hunters. We actually do try and guess which one they will buy or now which one they have bought. We also watch the international one as well. What does that say about us?
Great post.
June 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm
I have genuinely never laughed as much as reading one of your many exerts from your quite literally brilliant blog. I believe the things you pointed out to be absolutely accurate, and on the house hunters things. Put your house up for sale, and be surprised how many friends/work colleagues and other acquaintances that have not been admitted into your home suddenly start saying how wonderful it is.
Brilliant for finding out how nosy we really are, or be like my retired over-middle-aged parents and househunt, with no intention of buying, simply, if not humourously, to slate their property, cleaning rituals, taste and home furnishings, branding them not your sort of people or the sort of neighbourhood, you could live in.
Oh for the middle class.
June 17, 2012 at 6:18 am
I’ve spent an hour or so staring into the mid-distance when I found out that Joanie didn’t love Chachi. My jacket potato was reduced to a crusty mush. But somehow that is not important anymore………..say it ain’t so. PLEASE!
June 18, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Joanie doesn’t really love Chachi? You’re killing me here. I wish I never looked behind that blasted curtain.
June 20, 2012 at 4:18 am
for a second there i thought you were going to tell us the mtv shows weren’t real!
pheeeewww- glad they are, such informative programs! especially jersey shore. thanks to them, i now know how to be a sloppy drunk mess, and look like an oompa loompa mutation.
November 5, 2012 at 1:06 am
i always watch house md because the story line is great and you learn something about medicine too. ..
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