Snow White & The Huntsman 2: The Sequelling

June 11, 2012

Humor

Yeah, it wasn’t much of a hit. But they really wanted it to be, so they’re going to go ahead and franchise that sucker.

Rejected titles for the recently green-lit sequel to Snow White & The Huntsman

Hunstman: Snow Whiter

Snow White & The Gathererman

Snow White & The Huntsman & Ted & Alice

Snow White & The Huntsman 2: The Whitening

2 Snowy 2 Hunty

Snow White 2: We Guarantee That Kristen Stewart Makes An Expression Besides That Frowny, Mouth-Agape Thing She Does

That expression.

Snow White, The Huntsman & A Baby

Snow White & The Huntsman: The Legend of Sleepy’s Gold

Live Free or Snow White

2now W2ite 2 T2e Hunt2ma2

Yes, that one.

Snow White & The Huntsman Go To Summer Camp

The Huntsman Strikes Back

Snow White & The Huntsman 2: Wow!  Chris Hemsworth Is A WAY Bigger Star Than When We Filmed This Thing!

Snow White & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Red Riding Hood & The Huntsman

Snow White & The Huntsman 2: Oh God, We need Ideas. Anyone?  Ideas?  Just Shout ‘Em Out.

YES. THAT ONE.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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44 Comments on “Snow White & The Huntsman 2: The Sequelling”

  1. jules1310 Says:

    Love this post. Awesome blog 🙂

    Reply

  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    Snow White Falling on Cedars.

    For the record, my “Snow White and the Huntsman” post is nearing completion, and I’m going to go ahead and post it when it’s done, despite the obvious fact that it will pale in comparison.

    Reply

  3. Elyse Says:

    There is a lesson here for parents: Do not tell your children fairy tales as they may grow up to make crap movies about them.

    Reply

  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I love the Snow White and the Huntsman Go to Summer Camp.

    I would only watch this movie if it was guaranteed Kristen didn’t make that face AND Charlize Theron didn’t spend the entire movie using that over-the-top evil breathy voice. (which, coincidently, is exactly how I sound when I wake up in the morning and demand my coffee….)

    Reply

  5. tomwisk Says:

    Huntsman and Snow White vs Alien vs Predator. Loser meets Jason,or Michael Nyers.

    Reply

  6. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Im liking the simplicity of “Snow Whiter”…..but yeh, I’m only going if she can be taught a new expression !

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It is rather stunning, isn’t it? I mean, film after film, she does the same monotone, excessively somber shtick. How powerful must her agent be?

      Reply

      • MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

        I know – maybe she’s got something on him, a bit of blackmail worthy material…..cuz according to the teen boys that regularly stop by to clean out my frig …. her lack of acting fools no one & “she ‘s not that hot” . Go figure !

        Reply

      • angeliquejamail Says:

        I do not disagree at all with the lack of expressive range thing Kristen Stewart has, in general. However, I did see The Runaways, the biopic where she plays a young Joan Jett, and it was a departure indeed. She actually did a fairly decent job (on generous days, I’ll say good) opposite Dakota Fanning’s excellent Cherie Currie. This does not excuse the lackluster performance in pretty much every other area of her public life, of course, but it is something to consider.

        Reply

  7. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Wow! It really is that bad? I must be the only person on the planet who hasn’t seen it …and still wants to. I will be rethinking that, however I have to agree with you on that Kristen Stewart frowny, mouth-agape expression thing. I wonder if her agent takes on writers?

    Reply

  8. mj monaghan Says:

    I’m seeing a Snow White and Frosty the Snowman Christmas movie. The whole button nose becomes a ninja star, corncob pipe doubles as a dagger, and the eyes made out of coal – small grenades. You know, she hates red apples; he hates red thermometers …

    Reply

  9. Off the Wall Says:

    OMG, I was so happy she didn’t speak much in the movie and ruin it even more, lol. As for Chris Hemsworth, he has that weird forehead thing going on that just doesn’t do it for me. And besides, he will be wayyyyyy too busy filming Fifty Shades of Grey and doing love scenes with his brother’s fiancee Miley Cyrus to be available for a sequel.

    (Now won’t that make for great dinner table conversation with the family? “Hey bro, I saw your tongue in that scene, that’s reserved for only me.” “Oh yea? Well I get to whip her and you don’t, so there!”)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You seem to be the exception. There seems to be a rash of women who suddenly are in love with the god Thor.

      Reply

      • Off the Wall Says:

        His hair was hanging down in Thor, not pulled back where you see the weird forehead/hairline creation. He was good in The Avengers, but not the main star. My Iron Man was.

        Don’t get me wrong, the body is good, the face, not so much. Maybe it’s a blonde thing with me. I prefer my men dark-haired. Blue eyes. Hubba. Hubba.

        Reply

  10. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Oh you wrote all the best ones..just loved “2now W2ite 2 T2e Hunt2ma2”
    Hey how about “Frowny, Mouth-Agape Snow white and the stunned huntsman minus the vampires and werewolves”

    Reply

  11. pegoleg Says:

    Next up in the “Snow White & the Failed GOP Hopefuls” franchise: Snow White & Newt Gingrich

    Reply

  12. Go Jules Go Says:

    HA! Did you see it?? I can’t turn a corner without tripping over a commercial or an interview or a special feature. I thought I’d want to see it, and then all of THAT happened and I feel like I already saw it! Your plan has backfired, promoters!

    Reply

  13. mistyslaws Says:

    Snow White: New Moon

    Followed closely by Snow White: Eclipse

    I mean, if she’s just gonna make the same stunned vagina expression in all her movies, might as well just title them all the same.

    Reply

  14. List of X Says:

    I can’t believe they won’t be making any spin-offs about the dwarfs! Like the Magnificent Seven Dwarfs, Reservoir Dwarfs, The Dark Dwarf, or The Hobbit.

    Reply

  15. skippingstones Says:

    Haha! Great job. I especially like the Ted and Alice one, and the one about the face. I just don’t get her appeal at all.

    Reply

  16. cassiebehle Says:

    I would pay double (2) 2 go 2 “2 Snowy 2 Hunty.” Just sayin’ – that title is gold. White gold.

    Reply

  17. mepunekar Says:

    Snow White & The Huntsman 2: The Whitening……

    hahahahhahaahahahah!

    Reply

  18. Fish and Chips Says:

    Erm someone’s already said this probably, but here are some (random, not so haha-funny) titles I thought:

    Snow White Begins
    Snow White Rises
    Snow White Forever
    Snow White and the 7 Dwarves Assemble
    Snow White and the Huntsman: Apple Protocol

    I’m sure Christopher Nolan and Joss Whedon and maybe even Jon favreau will be able to contribute more ideas 🙂

    Reply

  19. archmeology Says:

    Hmmm. I made the mistake of seeing this movie… and left wondering what just happened. I went to see The Avengers a few weeks earlier and the trailer for this one tricked me. Maybe it was the birds flying around miss Theron’s cape. Or maybe the birds were her cape? Anyway, it looked magical by the trailer. I came to several conclusions, one being that Kristen is bound to be terrible in bed – despite the gaping mouth, she’s more than a bit limp. That’s beside the point….I really have nothing intelligent to say here. It wasn’t an intelligent movie.

    Reply

  20. brownponytail Says:

    i already couldn’t stand her in twilight, where the other actors were actually quite good, and her “performance” (if we can call it so) stood out in a negative way- i’m sure she didn’t get better in this movie. however, i need to see the frowny gaping talentless girl, because i want to see chris hemsworth have a couple more lines than in his role as thor in the avengers.
    i’d like to see a porn version of this… snow yellow, featuring r.kelly would be worth a watch.

    Reply

  21. 1pointperspective Says:

    Finally posted my Snow White and the Huntsman piece. Here’s the link if you’re interested: http://1pointperspective.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/snow-white-some-dwarfs-and-a-million-pieces-of-coal/

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Please Hire Me To Write Your Sequel | The Byronic Man - August 2, 2012

    […] Sequels for this summer’s films being explored include (deep breath) Magic Mike; Men in Black; Snow White & The Huntsman; 21 Jump Street; Spider-Man; every single thing remotely connected to The Avengers including, […]

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