In news that could prove quite shocking to no one, more and more reality TV shows are turning out to be fake. I know. Fakery reigns, from Survivor inserting fake footage to make the challenges look more exciting, to participants on multiple shows being goaded into fighting, to it turning out that the contestants on Cash Cab aren’t random, but carefully selected and screened, to the revelation that the HGTV show House Hunters usually features people who are in fact totally and definitely hunting for a house, except for the fact that they’re not. Apparently most of the featured people on this program have already bought a house, and then they pretend to look at other houses before inevitably choosing the house they’ve already signed the loan for. Often, apparently, the houses the people are taken to look at aren’t even for sale.
Now – side note – I try not to pass judgment on other people’s viewing tastes (that’s a lie), but I’m not sure I get the appeal of watching people buy a house. Maybe I need to give the show a try, but unless they’re looking at underwater houses, or tree houses, or something, it just sounds tiring. But now it’s watching people who are not even really looking at houses. Truly, it is a golden era for television, isn’t it?
Anyway, just in case, to protect you against future shocks, here a few things you might want to be prepared for on television:
Pulling weeds isn’t as hard as infomercials would have you believe. It is, however, a million times more boring.
Charlie Sheen is not really a lovable scamp. He is both a loathsome person, and clearly mentally ill. Neither of these things are “entertainment.”
The island from Lost isn’t a real place. It exists in your mind. Or the afterlife. Or something.
Joanie doesn’t really love Chachi. She was just using him for his muscle-tees.
The Kardashians are not really interesting. I don’t even know who they are, beyond a name and a tabloid industry.
Supplies are not really limited. Unless you consider that all things are, technically, finite. Someday the sun will grow large enough to consume the Earth, and supplies will no longer be available
The judges on America’s Got Talent don’t really think every single contestant is going to be a huge star. But turning to each other and saying, “Wow. That guy isn’t going to go far with that, but he’ll always have a moderately interesting talent. Maybe he’ll be able to book a club in Wichita.”
Sexy, available ladies are not really waiting for you to call. Maybe the island on Lost was supposed to be a parallel universe? You know what, I probably need to see that final episode a few more times.
Medical cures are usually not instantaneous, even if prescribed by Dr. House. In the real world, sometimes it takes a whole day to recover from debilitating illness (and from the 15 extremely invasive medications Dr. House prescribed on a whim).
Donald Trump is not really a human being. He is a puppet in need of repair, being operated by 3 guys who don’t talk to each other.
But, let’s see, I think that’s it. Yep. Everything else on TV is true.
In any case, hopefully this helps, because at least now you know, right? And as they used to say on GI Joe, “knowing is half the battle.”
But I’m not sure that’s true…