I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance.
I will never utter the phrase, “this has too much cheese on it.”
You’re not that important. In fact, you suck.
If we’re in traffic together, and the 2-lane is ending, and the rest of us are merging every other car, like civilized adults, and you gun it to the end of the merge lane to try and skip ahead a few cars? I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever in a million years, ever let you in.
I will never make fun of your laugh. I think laughing is one of the greatest things a person can do, especially when they really let fly. You’re completely honest and open when you laugh, and it’d be like mocking someone when they’re naked. I don’t care if your laugh sounds like a mule in labor, I love your laugh.
You know what? I’m pretty good for shirts. I would like the Godzilla doll, though.
I will never order a sandwich where if you can eat the whole thing in an hour and not throw up, you get a shirt.
I will never understand how the song “Blister in the Sun” continues to appeal to people.
If I ask what time it is, and you tell me it’s 4:20 – or say “four twenty” in any other capacity? I will never be able to resist doing a little stoner laugh and saying “4:20, dude!” while giving you the Dio-rocker-devil-horns. I can’t stop myself. If someday I’m awarded national recognition for years of service, and the president says, “For twenty years he has worked tirelessly…” Listen for the stoner laugh; look for the devil horns.
I suppose the most accurate way to put it would be: Han shot. Period. “First” implies that Greedo got to do any shooting.
I will never believe that Greedo shot first.
I will never not warn you that the olive you are about to eat has a pit.
Should I ever learn it, I will never reveal the colonel’s secret recipe. Ah, who’m I kidding. Sure I will.
If you loan me a pen, and I really like it, I will never give it back, willingly.
I will never attempt to sell you beans on the basis that they’re magic, unless I’m reasonably confident of their magic-bearing qualities.
If someone turns on a light, I will never say, “Let there be light!” and then look all smug at my own wit, like I’m Mark God damned Twain, or something.
If my dog has you cornered in a room, growling, I will never say, “He’s just playing with you! See? His tail is wagging!”
I suppose I will never know all the things I will never do.
The Byronic Man 
June 4, 2012 at 4:09 am
Hahaha…I will never say “This chocolate cake is too rich”
June 4, 2012 at 6:30 am
Especially if “chocolate cake” is a nickname for your lover/partner.
June 4, 2012 at 4:32 am
This is such a cute list! SOMEONE’S trying to get Freshly Pressed! 😀
June 4, 2012 at 6:28 am
Oh, I’ve pretty well let go of that happening again.
I wouldn’t say no, though.
June 4, 2012 at 4:37 am
Nice list, pretty short though considering all the opportunities you might have. I actually only have a couple of never’s on my list:
I will never visit the Arctic Circle at any time of the year (been to Greenland in winter it sucked).
I will never climb mountains at any time of the year as a sport (don’t like cold)
Should I ever find myself single again, I will never marry again.
June 4, 2012 at 6:31 am
I could include things like “I’ll never get a gold medal in the Olympics” or “I’ll never walk on the moon” but A) depressing and B) I haven’t totally given up on those.
June 4, 2012 at 4:57 am
Ah, yes. There is nothing like finding that perfect pen, is there? It’s like, whoa, this is the coolest pen ever, where have you been all my life? Good luck trying to pry it from my death grip.
I will never ever understand why people won’t hold the door open for you and instead let the door slam shut right in your face. How rude.
Blister in the sun? is that the song that goes…”let me go onnnnn”? I never knew they were singing blister in the sun. I thought it was “like an earworm of a song”… I’d prefer Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That.
June 4, 2012 at 6:33 am
Their other song is that “daaaayyyyy… after daaaayyyy… I will waaaaallllk…” and then the endless “Why can’t I get, just one kiss?” thing.
June 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Play nice with the Femmes, Kids.
Jesus Walking on Water is one of my favorites, right along with I Hear the Rain.
Don’t mess with Texas. Er, I mean, the Violent Femmes.
NEVER mess with the Violent Femmes.
June 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Me again. Hallowed Ground is a great album. Just thought I’d mention it.
As long as I live, I’ll never miss an opportunity to talk about the Femmes.
Hey look! It’s 4:20.
June 4, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Heh heh heh heh. 4:20, dude! Whooooo!
June 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I just reached critical mass with them. It isn’t like “We Didn’t Start The Fire” or Evanescence or something where I’m just mystified by the appeal and want to explain, “No, that’s not good.”
And maybe it’s because they’re sound is so distinctive, but when the local Alternative radio station plays them – which is A LOT – I feel like, STILL?? We’re STILL listening to this song??
June 5, 2012 at 4:59 am
True, true. They are more – way more – than Blister in the Sun.
June 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Oh yeah, “why can’t I get, just one….”
another gem of an earworm, thanks.
Lenore, do I have to listen to more of their stuff? Is it any good?
June 4, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Is there more?! Did you listen to I Hear the Rain?
Here is Country Death Song.
And, perhaps sadly, I’m not jesting. I love the Femmes.
June 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm
I ain’t got no time for that. (sorry I need to give that a rest now) But I wish I could, doesn’t work on my tablet thingamajiggy.
June 4, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Well, get off your thingamajiggy and go to your thingamabob.
August 23, 2013 at 4:31 pm
Tul, available at Office Max.
June 4, 2012 at 5:36 am
Great List/post! I enjoy the part about Laughter so very right and true. Thank you for a uplifting morning read. You’re ok dude 🙂
June 4, 2012 at 6:35 am
Thanks. You know, now that I think about it, I think I wrote a whole post once about laughing.
Yes, I did. Without trying to be all self-promotey, here it is:
https://thebyronicman.com/2012/01/07/ode-to-spewing-your-drink-out-your-nose-and-needing-breath-so-bad-your-ribs-hurt/
June 4, 2012 at 5:40 am
OMG you wrote a poem !! this is such an aww moment,specially the way you will never ever never say those things even if it meant never not knowing them yourself.
and thank you for that dog warning thing,it really helps when we are cornered by a dangerous dog and the owner says he will bite you now.
but what have you got against Violent femmes dude, for twenty years…..
June 4, 2012 at 6:25 am
Exactly! For twenty years those same two songs over and over and over and over. Live versions, extended versions… they were charming for a little while but oof.
June 4, 2012 at 6:43 am
I am with you 420 % on the laughter and the cheese. And I will never tire of The Byronic Man’s blog.
June 4, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Oh good. That would be my “I will never” wish for everyone.
Uh, that and happiness.
June 4, 2012 at 6:52 am
I will NEVER say, “Byronic Man, this post didn’t make me laugh.”
This is seriously cute. But I really like my pens, so just keep that in mind if we’re ever in a pen-sharing situation. I could easily retaliate by singing “Blister in the Sun” off-key until you want to tell me you hate my laugh.
Oh and? I played the “Ain’t Got Time for That” song for Peppermeister last night (his immediate reaction was, “This is a seriously good song!”), and then I played it again just for me. And now it’s happened. I can’t stop singing it. It’s amazing.
June 4, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Oh, I’ll give the pen back, but you have to ask. Then I’ll pretend that I didn’t realize I’d slipped it into my pocket.
June 4, 2012 at 6:57 am
I am the same way about 4:20. The SAME WAY.
Blister in the Sun is ALMOST 30. It reminds me of driving around with my friends while we were in high school. I still like the rest of that album, but I have grown tired of Blister and the others that still get unceasing airplay, but what about Promise, Prove My Love and To the Kill?! Those are still awesome songs.
And finally – I will never not love a song where the vocalist shouts “GUITAR!” before the solo.
June 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Shouting “Guitar!” is the surest sign of class in a rock song, isn’t it?
And I have to tell you, it’s really hard for me to tell their songs apart. Basically, they have Blister In The Sun, and the one that goes “Why can’t I get, just one kiss too add it up, because it’s gone, gone, gone daddy gone.”
June 4, 2012 at 7:00 am
Sorry. The Violent Femmes thing is totally my bad. We Milwaukee-ans (grew up there) are fiercy loyal and do not know the meaning of “putting something out of its misery” ( as seen just afew miles north in Packer country). The nostalgia of seeing them play at summerfest in oh maybe 1983 will never fade.
4:20 dude !
June 4, 2012 at 12:00 pm
There’s a live version of “Add It Up” (I think?) that makes me want to freak out.
“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY…” (pause) (pause) (pause) “Af-ter DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY…” (pause) (pause) (pause) “I. Will. WAAAAAALLLLLLKKK…” (pause) (pause) (pause) “And I will PRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY…”
June 4, 2012 at 3:07 pm
I will never understand how Blister In The Sun is considered music.
June 5, 2012 at 9:07 am
Yes, we are fiercy loyal. I did not claim it required mind-blowing talent or originality….I’m sure it has something to do with all the artery clogging cheese and the brain cell drowning beer
June 4, 2012 at 7:29 am
Dammit, I missed a bunch of your posts due to my reader… I will never understand all of these stupid system glitches.
And Han Solo was a killer, or at least that was the original idea. It got watered down for the kiddie crowd. Nuance is lost on little boys anyway.
June 4, 2012 at 11:55 am
I don’t know what’s going on with the Reader. Frustrating.
And yes, as I mentioned to someone else, his harshness makes his transformation mean something. Someone defending themselves isn’t indicative of anything about anything.
June 4, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Okay, but I’m pretty sure that just makes both of us huge nerds…
As for the reader glitch, I’m just going to write about it using as many tags as possible. It makes me much harder to ignore, if I post about it once a day until they actually fix it. Unless, of course, they are of the theory that all press is good press…
June 4, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Oh, and meant to ask if I may add you to my blogroll? (It’s probably a better way of keeping my eye on blogs than expecting the reader to work.)
June 4, 2012 at 7:38 am
This is excellent! I wonder what my list would include~
I am still laughing at the image of you interpretive dancing…..
June 4, 2012 at 11:53 am
That was the hard part – all the things that I wasn’t thinking of. I finally had to just let it go and post.
June 4, 2012 at 7:51 am
On behalf of someone who was stuck in traffic coming out of Chicago yesterday, shaking my fists of fury at the a**holes waiting until the last, possible, frickin’, frackin’ second to merge out of their disappearing lane, I say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for being willing to suffer massive front-end damage to prevent that dip=wad from getting in our lane. There’s a special circle of hell reserved for him and his kind.
June 4, 2012 at 11:53 am
Any time we have to drive through Seattle, it’s like planning for battle. Seattle has famously bad traffic, often extending for 90 minutes south, and if you don’t plan it just right, you’re adding a couple of hours to your travel time.
June 4, 2012 at 8:46 am
Great post! Those a**holes that try to cut in the front of the line deserve to be in a ditch. Sometimes I’d rather let them side-swipe me than get in front of me. I’m sure State Farm will understand.
June 4, 2012 at 11:51 am
I agree. Locking bumpers with the people in front and behind you. Tell the insurance agents “there was a point that needed to be made.”
June 4, 2012 at 9:39 am
I would never complain if you installed “A’s Handy Dandy Scrolling Marqee” in your rear window and typed thoughts like these out while in traffic to show the arsehole behind you trying to get in front of you.. never. It could be pre-programmed with things, like radio station sound effects, only typed..and scrolling. 🙂
June 4, 2012 at 11:51 am
It’s like when people gun it to pass you in traffic, and you inevitably catch up to them at the next light – all that being a jerk basically gains you nothing.
June 4, 2012 at 10:37 am
I will never believe that Greedo shot first.
So true.
June 4, 2012 at 11:50 am
At some point there’s going to be a version of Star Wars with the messy bits cleaned up (lines around the ships, sparse population of Mos Eisley spaceport), but without the unfortunate changes (Jabba, Greedo shooting, the weird baby-droids bobbling about).
June 4, 2012 at 1:17 pm
I believe that as well. George is trying to get the most out of us before he drops the originals on pristine Blu-Ray. It will happen. Just watch.
June 4, 2012 at 10:43 am
Nicely done, B-Man.
Han Solo – tortured soul did what he had to do.
I never knew that song was “Blister in the Sun” – could never make out the words.
I can never play practical jokes on anyone, or try to scare them. I hate both of those things.
June 4, 2012 at 11:48 am
Narratively, it is true that Han shooting first shows his coldness, which makes his redemption later on more meaningful. Otherwise he’s just sassy.
June 6, 2012 at 11:49 am
An excellent point, B.
June 4, 2012 at 10:44 am
This year, I was in Amsterdam on 4/20. 🙂
June 4, 2012 at 11:47 am
Is that an international thing? Or was it just Americans pointing it out?
June 4, 2012 at 7:39 pm
I totally agree with “I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance”! Great blog, looking forward to more!
June 5, 2012 at 2:50 am
Haha, I will never understand how you aren’t more famous/popular than you already are 🙂 P.S. I blogrolled you here: http://cakesandshakes.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/fresh-link-love/
June 5, 2012 at 5:37 am
I agree with it all except ‘too much cheese’ This is because of a 1978 school trip to Cheddar Gorge from which I still have flashbacks – oh the cheese, the horror, the cheese!
June 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm
The list is rad!
Oh, and I’m with you on the whole Greedo didn’t get a shot off, by the way. 🙂
June 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Post perfection! I once said I will never write that lame comment on someone’s blog but now I feel driven to do so.
How can you not be among the fans of Blister in the Sun but then enjoy saying “4:20, Dude!” I thought those two camps were of the same people?
June 6, 2012 at 10:17 am
Well, the key is saying “4:20 dude!” ironically, and also hearing “Blister in the Sun” so many times, for so many years that you think it became the national anthem and no one told you.
June 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I will never read “50 Shades of Grey” unless I’m reciting passages outloud while two naked, handcuffed and blindfolded woman are bouncing up and down on top of me screaming with joy.
June 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I will never read “50 Shades of Grey” unless I’m reciting passages outloud while two naked, handcuffed and blindfolded women are bouncing up and down on top of me screaming with joy.
June 11, 2012 at 7:14 am
Thanks Byronic Man, now I will never give on the idea of someday witnessing a mule laughing in labor…lol
June 15, 2012 at 3:51 am
I will never ever ever unfollow The Byronic Man.
June 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm
“I will never make fun of your laugh. I think laughing is one of the greatest things a person can do, especially when they really let fly.”
I. LOVE. THIS. SO. MUCH. I love it and I will keep it in my memory always. Even more so after a “bff” told me in essence that there was something wrong with my laugh and I should tone it down.
March 4, 2013 at 5:28 pm
this post is awesome. i love the whole idea behind it. knowing someone through their nevers. and truly when you said you’d never let in an a-hole who rushes to the front of the merge line, i snarfed out my nose. for reals. xoo, sm
May 6, 2013 at 2:49 pm
#3 and 4 are awesome and you’re awesome for never doing those. The Violent Femmes are awesome. And you’re right, saying Han shot first is misleading
April 14, 2014 at 6:18 am
I will never tell a writer who’s a better writer than me that he’s a better writer than me.
I will never say “Hey! Over here!” to a guy on a shooting rampage.
I will never tell a woman on our first date that my greatest joy in life is farting.
I will never tell a woman on our second date that my greatest joy in life is farting.