And The Gender Is…

May 15, 2012

Humor

It’s a girl.  Kidney Bean, The Byronic Baby, due to become a subscriber in October, is a girl.  I am very, very excited.  Daddy’s little girl?  Damn right.

I wanted to know anyways, but not finding out really wasn’t an option. Mrs. Byronic is not a fan of change, and loves the anticipation of things.  She’s let birthday presents sit for 6 weeks after her birthday because she doesn’t want to not have her present any more.  So if we waited?  In the delivery room she’d have either found out the sex and needed a little while to think about that, or she’d have said, “You know, maybe I’ll wait to find out the gender.  Tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow.”

To be so happy that she ascends to a higher state of being, an enlightened spirit of grace and joy. That’s all I ask.

I think a lot, of course, about Kidney Bean’s life, and what I want for her.  I want to guide her, but not pressure her too much.  I don’t care if she grows up to be a poet or a captain of industry.  All I want is for her to be happy.  Which, fortunately, should be easy, because she’s going to be the smartest, funniest, kindest, wisest, coolest, most athletic, richest, most adventurous, most beautiful, most giving person who ever lived… and I’d think you’d be pretty happy in that case.

The technician gave us a copy of the ultrasound picture showing the gender.  Going to hang on to that sucker.  I’ve got a feeling she’ll really best enjoy that photo if I show it to her and her friends when she’s in junior high.

Could not sleep that night, after finding out.  I was pretty sure her gender was going to one of two options and had thought about them both, but actually finding out led to many hours of contemplation and profound excitement.

I may have gained a reprieve from needing to learn how to throw a football well. Seriously, when I throw a football it looks like a bee crawled down my shirt during a sneezing fit.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’m triceratops!  GRAAAARRRR! Uh-oh, here comes T-Rex! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! ROOOAAARRRR!! GRAAAARRRR!!! RRROOOAAARRR!! — Oh, hi, sweetie. Um, Princess Triceratops is a little busy right now.  Can she have tea later?

People keep asking which gender I was hoping for.  I truly didn’t care.  As long as she is healthy and likes to play with dinosaurs and loves Star Wars?  I’m fine.

She’s already quite the kicker.  I can work with that.  Already got a heavy bag out in the garage.  Hone that skill?  The person who makes unwanted advances on her’s going to wake up in the hospital with a deviated septum and a limp.

When I was a kid I really wished I’d been born in the Chinese year of the dragon.  I didn’t know anything about Chinese astrology, I just liked dragons.  Byronic Girl?  Year of the dragon.  Rebellious, fiery, willful… isn’t there a Year of the Good Girl Who Does Everything Her Dad Says?

Being a perfect parent is a realistic hope, right?  Infinite patience and energy and wisdom?  Dead-solid balance of freedom and boundaries, guidance and room to discover?  That’s doable, isn’t it?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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86 Comments on “And The Gender Is…”

  1. Cdn Stormlover Says:

    Woooohoooo!! Congrats! Looking forward to seeing blogs on how the Byronic Man handles parenting 🙂

    Reply

  2. becomingcliche Says:

    Congratulations! They make toddler Star Wars toys. Start young. Like, maybe now? Play the soundtrack over and over again. They can hear in utero.

    Reply

  3. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I just read that Chinese people actually arrange to have their children born in the Year of the Dragon..luckiest of all years! That is very exciting. As far as daddy’s little girl goes..she will have you wrapped at first site. My husband and daughter have an amazing relationship and something tells me you will as well. Now the name….that could take awhile.

    Reply

  4. LKD Says:

    Congratulations! My Dad is my best friend. I hope you and your daughter have the same relationship.

    Lorna

    Reply

  5. Valentine Logar Says:

    Perfect parenting?

    Nah, this requires perfect children and there are none except in the eyes of their parents, so you should have it down pat. All kidding aside, fathers and daughters are a wonderful thing. Except for the whole math thing (my dad was an engineer) my dad did a pretty good job most of the time with balance during my formative years. He freaked out a bit when I started showing signs of femaleness (breasts and hips). Freaked out even more when boys started coming around and I didn’t punch them in the face.

    You will do fine! Raising balanced children requires humor and wonder. They are little adults we just don’t realize it. They are so smart, we just think they they are learning from us, all the time they are teaching us.

    Congrats on a daughter. I have always been convinced all men should have daughters first.

    Reply

  6. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    Ah, many many congrats on the great impending event. Your daughter will bring you joy beyond imagination and will provide you an endless source of material. Start saving for the wedding now.

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Congrats on your sweet baby girl, B-Man! My daughter can be a girly girl, but she also likes to play in the dirt and can beat up her brother so the football thing is always an option.

    She’s definitely a Daddy’s girl and they have the most amazing relationship, they are incredibly close and she looks up to him like he’s all that and a bag of chips. What eases him mind? He always tells her, “No boyfriends!” Yesterday she told us this boy Owen likes her and follows her around school. My husband was like, “Uh, I think I’m going to have a talk with this Owen fellow…” Oh the teen years are going to be fun.

    Reply

  8. Elyse Says:

    What delightful news! Congrats, Bryonic. I say that as a totally unreformed Daddy’s Girl.

    But you’re comfortable with her one day being sexy??????? That’ll change!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, not trashy sexy, obviously. Beautiful, though, in that she will have total power over all living things, who will be stricken immobile by her grace, beauty and allure. Then, if they don’t avert their gaze, they burst in to flame.

      Reply

  9. atothewr Says:

    Congrats and good luck.

    Reply

  10. k8edid Says:

    I called that one with the name Byronica, if you will recall. I always wanted a daughter.

    Good luck with that perfect parenting goal…I was satisfied that we (mom and sons) all came out of it alive, stronger for the struggles, and knowing when (but steadfastly refusing) to admit when one or the other was wrong. After all, I am their mother and all.

    Reply

  11. Roshni Says:

    Congratulations! I bet you’re hoping the Byronic Baby will someday take over this blog after you! 😛

    Reply

  12. sparklebumps Says:

    Dinosaurs are frickin’ awesome man! Star Wars too, but you must start her early.

    Reply

  13. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Congratulations on the Wee Lass joining your family! I think the perfect parent thing is totally doable. Just do everything she say. 😉

    Reply

  14. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    EEeeeee ! Daddy’s girls are forever – but it goes both ways, she clearly has you wrapped around her teeeeny little finger already. Hope Mrs B is doing well !
    Our six year old (girl) can name all the star wars creatures and where most of them are from and has a pet T-Rex that roars and is a hockey fanatic…all while wearing her pink sparkle sandals and a tiarra.

    Reply

  15. tedstrutz Says:

    Daddy’s girls are the best! I’ve got two. Your’s will definitely not be bored. However, I fear for her neck… all that head shaking and eye rolling while growing up, will definitely take its toll.

    Reply

  16. sj Says:

    I have a picture of our Baby Girl at about 3 months, sitting on my dad’s lap and watching Empire. Yours will like Star Wars too.

    I am so excited for you and Mrs Byronic!

    Reply

  17. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    Congratulations on the new daughter! You are already a perfect parent, don’t worry about that since the minute she is born that will change.

    Reply

  18. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Oh what a wonderful wonderful news….she is going to fill your life with so much happiness..and plan as much as you want now.trust me the moment ,,..that first time you will hold her in your hand you will forget everything else ….

    Congrats 🙂

    Reply

  19. pithypants Says:

    I expect we’ll see the frequency of your entries drop in October, but be replaced with the type of hilarity that only sleep-deprived, diaper-fueled thoughts can bring. Congratulations!

    Reply

  20. thesinglecell Says:

    Very sweet, B-Man. And for the record, I love Star Wars. Oldest daughter. Episodes 1 – 3 never happened. Hope there is, Daddy Jedi.

    Reply

  21. magikdolls Says:

    Ahh that’s so cute.. I can read your excitement! My sister is having a girl in August.
    BTW I was born in the year of the Dragon, so good luck! hahaha
    I’m sure she will follow her daddies footsteps 😉

    Reply

  22. virtualblancmange Says:

    … i’m sure you and Mrs. B will figure out the first name fine; but what to do for a middle name? should it rhyme? i’m good at rhyming things; just ask for help. but what if you have two daughters? we have two and somehow their middle names ended up rhyming… you might not want to go down that road… but also, i’m really good a nicknames, so let me know if you need help with that. or acronyms… I can do some really great acronyms for the people in your life… or her life… 🙂

    congratulations and much joy! You might know my two girls. They were at your wedding! Well, I was too, actually. My husband can help too. he’s a psychologist – school age especially, and can help you navigate sticky girly moments… all you need to do is ask!

    Reply

  23. Lenore Diane Says:

    Congrats, BioMan. You are stepping further and further into the world of solicited and unsolicited parenting advice. Buckle-up and enjoy the ride.

    Reply

  24. Arindam Says:

    Congrats and lots of good wishes for this new phase of your life.

    Reply

  25. Howlin' Mad Heather Says:

    Congratulations to you…have you considered “Kidneye” as a middle name?

    Reply

  26. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Take it from someone who tried all her life to be the best girl alive and who never knew her father (he killed himself when I was 4), I’d have given anything to have a father like you already are and will surely be. Congratulations, Papa!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Thanks, I hope I’m everything she needs. And sorry to hear that – that’s a rotten card to be dealt.

      Reply

      • Lorna's Voice Says:

        The odd thing is, I think things turned out as they should. His death did impact my life a lot more than I thought, though. I’m writing a memoir and I’m realizing how not having a father was a big deal for me. Interesting.

        Reply

  27. tomwisk Says:

    Congrats. My sister raised two girls. They turned out great. One’s a teacher and the other is a mother to three boys, two of them a set.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Mrs. Byronic started showing so quickly I was pretty sure it was twins for a bit there. Twins are great when they’re someone else’s. When I thought it might be me I was crossing myself and knocking on wood.

      Reply

  28. Audrey Says:

    Love this! You’re going to be an amazing dad – I can tell already. You’re head over heels. 🙂 And yes, your sweet little girl will be such a fantastic person. How could she not with Byronic parents?! Congrats to the proud papa.

    Reply

  29. susielindau Says:

    My kids are perfect so I am sure your daughter will be too! Congratulations to all three of you!
    I didn’t officially know the sex of either child, but I “knew” what sex they were anyway!

    Reply

  30. skippingstones Says:

    Hey, congratulations!! A girl, I knew it! I’m always right about the baby gender thing. The next will be a boy. (Haha, but don’t hold me to that one – I won’t feel sure until that particular bun is in the oven.) Call me the womb whisperer.

    Oh, that kinda sounded gross.

    Reply

  31. Angie Z. Says:

    Congratulations! Girls are pretty great I have to say. My son sticks his finger in his belly button and smells it. My daughter bites her toenails. It’s about a toss up now that I think of it.

    Since you seem to be something of a superhero with a name like The Byronic Man, I’m happy to know there’ll be a Byronic Girl soon, and I know she’ll do much better than Helen Slater.

    Reply

  32. rambling jill Says:

    Congratulations and best wishes for you and Mrs. B!

    How are you preparing the dogs for the new arrival?

    You can always follow the lead of Kurt Cobain and give your daughter the middle name Bean.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m warning the dogs that they may not be the cutest things in the house in a few months. So far they’re taking it well. I suspect when they see how important the new pack member is, the real problem will be them trying to kill anyone who comes near the baby besides us.

      And if it weren’t for the inevitable “Oh, like Kurt Cobain,” believe me, the “Bean” middle name would be tempting.

      Reply

  33. gojulesgo Says:

    Aw, man! I mean, girl! Congratulations!!! Your daughter is going to be awesome. She will be like Buffy. Except she will also have book smarts, like Giles. And will totally love dinosaurs.

    But, you do know what this is doing to me, right? I mean, the jokes about helping her shop that I’m currently holding back? And then you had to say this: “…when I throw a football it looks like a bee crawled down my shirt during a sneezing fit.” (Hi. Larious.)

    Sooo excited for you and Mrs. B-Man!!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Oh, she will be like Buffy, that’s for sure. Except fewer drawn out speeches, a la seasons 5-7.

      And maybe when she says she needs school clothes I’ll say, “You know where there are a crap ton of malls? Jersey. And have I got the personal shopper for you…”

      Reply

  34. cassiebehle Says:

    Ooooh, boy, (I mean girl), are you in for one wild ride having a baby girl instead of a boy! Hats off to you, though – CONGRATS!!!!

    Reply

  35. benzeknees Says:

    I’m so happy you’re going to have a little girl! Girls are the best (having had a hand in raising about 8 of them). I can’t wait to read all your posts about ?? (kidney bean for now). Let the games begin! BTW, I’m glad the nausea is passing.

    Reply

  36. sweetmother Says:

    good, i am following. looks like i need to do more reading. i don’t know why but yours is getting lost in my feed. anyway, great stuff. and most importantly CONGRATS. i love the ‘kidney bean’ alias. it rocks. sm

    Reply

  37. alleybeth Says:

    Congratulations!

    Reply

  38. brownponytail Says:

    i loved dinosaurs. star wars not so much, but my brother and i lived, breathed and even ate like dinosaurs. dinosaurs were incorporated into everything. my barbies? why yes, they had pet dinosaurs.

    Reply

  39. tedstrutz Says:

    Girls are the best… I’ve got 2 of them.

    Reply

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