If you’ve seen a preview for a movie lately, you may have noticed a couple of trends emerging. One is awesome/lame (which I’ll clarify), the other needs to stop, immediately.
The first, is the sudden popularity of the BWWWWAAAAAARRRMM!!!!
This, in case you’re for some reason unsure what I’m talking about, is the blast of brass section that got popular with the trailer for Inception, because it was really cool and confusing and effective:
And since nothing’s better than a good idea than a good idea done over and over and over, now the BWWWAAAAARRRMM!!! has become easy shorthand for INTENSE, AWESOME, MILDLY CONFUSING IMAGERY intended to instill excitement.
Consider the trailer to Ridley Scott’s upcoming prequel to Alien, entitled Prometheus:
On one hand, the BWWWWAAAAAAARRRMMM!!! is pretty simplistic and crassly manipulative. On the other hand it’s totally effective. I absolutely think what I’m watching is exciting despite plenty of evidence to the contrary.
Another example of the BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!! is for the remake of Total Recall. And yes, they’re remaking Total Recall, and, no, it won’t feature a muscular man saying, in a Austrian accent, “Give deez people ayar!” or “Get your ahss to Mahz.” And yes it’s all remakes and sequels, but we don’t have time for that, because there’s a more pressing concern, and that’s that both of these movies have released previews for their previews.
Now, before you push your glasses up onto the bridge of your nose, take a snort of nasal spray, and say, “Those are called ‘teasers,’ dorkweed” I would have you know that A) people really don’t say ‘dorkweed’ anymore and I think that’s just a shame; and, B) I’m well aware of what a teaser is. No, these are actual previews, saying “Coming soon: the preview for the movie.”
Observe:
To which I say, No. No, no. No, no, no, no. I’m drawing the line. Right after I introduce, in glorious prose form: The teaser for the preview of the preview of teaser for Byronic Man: The Motion Picture (which, you don’t know, could happen).
*Black Screen*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Byronic Man seeming alone, vulnerable*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Enormous, unrealistically majestic landscape*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Hot woman in skin-tight clothing kicking someone in the face*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Fiery explosion*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Something shadowy rushes by. A serial killer? A robot? A goblin?*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Byronic Man looking intense.*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Someone looking horrified, like they’ve just realized something they thought was harmless could destroy them all*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Byronic Man, with ripped abs, fighting 3 guys at once*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Another explosion, more fiery. And, say, was that a flying car?*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
*Huge explosion, and something really big crashing in to something else*
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
Black screen.
Voice 1: We thought we could control it, but it’s gotten more explosive and sexy than we could have imagined.
Voice 2: Everyone is doomed.
Voice 1: No. There is one hope.
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!
Byronic Man
The preview of the preview of teaser: coming soon.
The Byronic Man 
March 30, 2012 at 3:32 am
I’d never considered the ‘BWAAAARRRRMMM.’ Do you think it could make even Oompa Loompas seem epic?
March 31, 2012 at 2:52 pm
One way to find out!
March 30, 2012 at 4:03 am
The ‘BWAAAARRRRMMM’ effect is exactly why kids today don’t just go outside and play…it’s dull. They have been in a constant state of ‘BWAAAARRRRMMM,” since they were born, imagine what it takes to impress them at this point. The idea of jumprope or riding a bike must be similar to watching grass grow. I’m sure there is some fancy term, but ‘BWAAAARRRRMMM’ got my attention.
March 30, 2012 at 7:10 am
I stopped playing outside with Zelda — mid eighties.
March 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Maybe backyards and campgrounds should come equipped with sound effects to heighten the experience. Transition them in.
March 30, 2012 at 4:33 am
LWTTD said it. We have created a virtual world that is way better than the one we have. These kids have been raised on the virtual one. It takes more and more to get their attention. Hey, if you do that trailer about you, would you consider a post-menopausal woman trying to find her car keys instead of the hot babe kicking someone in the face? I’ll work below scale.
March 31, 2012 at 2:56 pm
1. I spent several seconds trying to figure out what LWTTD stood for, thinking ‘Great, another acronym to learn.’ Laughing While Wearing Tube Top… Dammit…?
2. I think the image of all the sci-fi action stuff then with a random person saying, “Seriously? They were just here. There are 3 places I put my keys and, God Damn it…” would be fantastic.
March 30, 2012 at 4:55 am
This is classic. My grade 10 students are looking at symbolism in film music at the moment in order to create their own soundtrack for a sample of Charlie Chaplin footage, I am definitely going to have to show them elements of this.
March 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Be sure, if you’re looking at the Inception piece, to play them the Piaf “Je Ne Regrette Rien”/Inception theme overlays – just do a YouTube search.
March 31, 2012 at 8:45 pm
Thanks for the tip.
March 30, 2012 at 5:10 am
I realize this has nothing to do with anything (or something), but is that Arsenio Hall in the prequel to Aliens?
Another thing, I think the effect of “Bwwwaaaaarrrmmmm” depends on how you use it. (Am I stating the obvious?) I thought this post was going to be about the new BMW or some other car-related topic. I assumed the sound effect was the speed of a car increasing.
It was very cool to see the trailers and teaser, hearing the “Bwwwaaaaarrrmmmm” in a different light.
March 30, 2012 at 9:04 am
If it is Arsenio Hall, I think we also have to consider the precursor to the “Bwwwaaaaarrrmmmm” effect might be the “Whoop Whoop Whoop” effect (insert fist pumping here).
March 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm
That’s Idris Elba, who’s on the excellent BBC series “Luther” and – more importantly – Stringer Bell on “The Wire,” the greatest TV show of all time.
March 31, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Good to know. I’ve been looking at Luther as another show to watch (Netlix). It only lasted a year or so, though, right? I’ll check out The Wire, too.
March 31, 2012 at 5:59 pm
We’ve just started Luther and like it a lot. The Wire is brilliant. It will take a while for it to really take hold, but once it does you’ll never be free of it.
March 30, 2012 at 5:43 am
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I could play the role of ‘Someone looking horrified, like they’ve just realized something they thought was harmless could destroy them all’
I’m very good at that.
March 30, 2012 at 6:14 am
I can vouch for Darla on this. She is very good at looking horrified. Like once, she was doing this vlog and her phone rang and she kind of froze up.
BWWWWAAAARRRMMMM!
March 30, 2012 at 6:30 am
Not my finest moment. It was after I stopped rolling tape and I answered the phone and it was my Mom calling to tell me Dr. Oz was going to do a show on the reproductive system.
BWWWWAAAAARMMMMM!
March 30, 2012 at 7:11 am
Hahahahaha! 😉
March 31, 2012 at 3:02 pm
“Realization that Dr. Oz is doing a show about the reproductive system” would be very impressive to communicate in just a look. Let’s see Madame Streep do that.
March 30, 2012 at 5:44 am
So where do we pre-order tickets for the Byronic Man:The Motion Picture? Another word no one uses any more is “groovy” – can you do something about that too? Maybe if Byronic Man uses it in the movie it’ll give it a stamp of coolness to it. “After the car flies by, Byronic Man nods and says “Groovy”…” You have to jump on this idea though, before Bwwwaaaaarrrmmmm” gets replaced with something else !
March 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Fans of Bruce Campbell and “Evil Dead 2” will never stop saying ‘groovy.’ Never.
March 30, 2012 at 6:47 am
I would have been happy never knowing that a Total Recall remake was on the way. After seeing it as a child once, it took me 10 years of reciting certain key scenes to people to find out what movie it actually was. so this guy is doing this thing that makes people fly out onto some red desert and then they start to melt, but before he gets sucked out and starts to melt he puts his hand in this handprint thingy and then the sky eventually clears up. …you can see why it took 10 adolescent years to figure out what it was.
and now all that is ruined. arnold is being replaced. fuck.
March 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm
And in the remake Mars isn’t even involved. Seriously.
March 30, 2012 at 7:01 am
1. Trailers for trailers are the most annoying thing we’ve been subjected to recently. JUST SHOW THE STUPID TRAILER AND BE DONE WITH IT.
2. I’d still like to see the preview of the preview of teaser for the Byronic Man film. Make it so!
3. BWWWAAAAAARRRRMMMMMMMMMMM!
4. If this Total Recall re-make isn’t more like the PKD story, I’ll FREAK THE SNAPE OUT!
5. I am kind of into the idea of Bill Nighy as Kuato, though. Like, seriously. I would watch Bill Nighy brush his teeth. He’s up there with Gary Oldman for me.
6. BWWWAAAAAARRRRMMMMMMMMMMM!
March 31, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Well, the re-make doesn’t include Mars at all. It does have Bryan “Breaking Bad” Cranston in it, though.
March 31, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Well, the story only included the memory of Mars (and saving the earth from a Martian invasion as a child), never an actual trip to Mars, so I’m still holding out hope.
Don’t take this away from me, even if I hate Colin Whatshisface.
Besides, BILL NIGHY AS KUATO!
BWWWWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMMMMM!
March 31, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Oh, Nighy really IS Kuato?? I didn’t know that. I thought it was just wishful casting. Hm. Maybe. Maaaaaybe.
March 31, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Yes, he really is! It’s the only thing that got me excited about it!
There are a few more PKD adaptations in the works that I have high hopes for. For now, though, A Scanner Darkly is/has been the most faithful.
…and this is coming from someone who loves the crap out of Blade Runner and the original Recall, as blasphemous as they were to the source material. The fangirl squees if they actually GET SOMETHING RIGHT will be heard from space, I’m sure.
March 30, 2012 at 7:13 am
The visuals are for men and that noise (which shakes seats, if you know what I’m saying) is for the ladies.
March 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Maybe that’s part of the marketing plan to get women to see action movies. “Now featuring more seat-vibrating sound effects!”
March 30, 2012 at 7:14 am
I LOVE this! It is hilarious! If you lived closer to Boulder we could make that trailer. That would be so awesome! I am actually thinking about making some videos..I just have to learn how to edit~
March 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Editing is great. Are you on a Mac? If you have a little money to spend on it, I’d suggest Final Cut Express. 90% of Final Cut Pro at about 50% of the cost.
March 31, 2012 at 6:43 pm
I have a PC and a son who is getting a film minor, but I will have to teach myself. I …can….do…..it!!!! I have learned everything else on my own!
March 30, 2012 at 7:39 am
So I am assuming “Bwwwarrrrrm” translates loosely as “No princesses will twirl around and sing happy songs with talking skunks.” Am I right?
Dorkweed sounds like the stuff my husband just went after with the weedwhacker. It’s terrible for allergies.
March 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm
Vegas odds are not good on princess-twirling.
March 30, 2012 at 7:43 am
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!!, I think, resembles a war-horn, or call to battle. No wonder it gets the adrenaline pumping.
March 31, 2012 at 3:09 pm
That’s actually a really interesting observation… hm.
March 30, 2012 at 9:25 am
I love your observational skills! And I love the BWWWAAARRRM. It adds so much more unnecessary drama that’s sure to only disappoint later. It should really be the new theme song (AKA warning song) for when crazies come into your life. Say, at a bar:
“I’m Cassie, what’s your name?”
BWWWAAARMMMM
“I’m Julie. I just know we’re going to be the best of friends!! Did you know 98 Degrees is getting back together!? I just love them; we should TOTALLY go to a show together!”
BWWWAAAARMMMMM
March 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm
It could be great for trying to pick someone up – make your job and hobbies sound intense and dangerous.
March 30, 2012 at 9:29 am
I definitely want in on “Byronic Man: The Motion Picture” (which, you don’t know, could happen). It looks like you pretty much have a full cast. I can edit and do anything pretty much production wise.
So much fun!
March 31, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Excellent. The pay is terrible, and there’s no catering, but it’ll be worth it.
March 30, 2012 at 11:14 am
I would give anything for my life to have a soundtrack. Then I would always know how to feel.
I really want to see your preview of the preview teaser. I heard Ryan Reynolds comes in for an ab-off.
BWWWWWARRRRMMMM!!!!!
March 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Psh. Reynolds? Next to my abs his look like a sack of oatmeal.
March 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I would totally see your movie. Though I prefer the word “dillweed.” Do you think they could work the BWAAAARRRRMMMMM into the trailers for “Anchorman 2?”
“News Team! ASSEEMMMMMBBBBLLLLLLE!” BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
March 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Dillweed!! I remember dillweed! Why is that an insult? I have no idea.
March 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm
I’m not quite the movie trailer/teaser expert that you are, but I have to applaud your taking the time to figure out how to spell BWWWAAAAARRRMMMM!!!!! for us all. Unlike the casual reader, I’m aware of the amount of research you surely must have done to get it just right. It’s that kind of attention to detail which will undoubtedly get you that movie deal. Watch and learn children!
March 31, 2012 at 3:13 pm
A lot of people use too many “R’s”. Mark of an amateur.
March 30, 2012 at 7:11 pm
BWWWAAAAAARRRRRMMM!!!! I thought that I had dispelled oncoming doom by sleeping through the second half of each of these movies. Apparently not.
My bad.
March 31, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Hollywood’s going to just keep making them until you watch.
March 31, 2012 at 4:36 pm
As I keep saying, they need to hire some of us hilarious writers so that there is some good content out there. A random sampling of your commenters alone could concoct better stuff!
March 31, 2012 at 4:40 pm
But, of course, the great irony is that there are literally thousands of great screenwriters in Hollywood – it’s just that the producers don’t want that. They want simple, formulaic. They want a safe investment.
March 31, 2012 at 4:43 pm
They want — and get — crap. Not always, but usually.
March 31, 2012 at 1:36 am
For your movie:
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
If you need a scary guy with a shaved head (a la Lex Luthor)
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
who can also totally kick ass (a la Vin Diesel)
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
sing and dance (a la Yul Brynner)
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
charm the ladies (a la Telly Savalas)
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
and rule the world (a la Daddy Warbucks)
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
call me…
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
You’re right! It really works!
BWAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMM!
March 31, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Everyone needs more Telly Savalas.
March 31, 2012 at 4:44 am
Very clever. Funny, I like the BWARM effect. I can’t verbalize the feeling/idea it gives me, but it’s very effective. Overused, maybe.
BWARM!
Bunnies,
BWARM!
Puppies,
BWARM!
Unicorns and Rainbows
BWARM!
You thought you’d see it all,
BWARM!
But no alien invasion will shock you,
BWARM!
Surprise you,
BWARM!
Make you piss your pants in fear,
BWARM!
So quickly as
BWARM!
Blue Bird Swarm…
dun dun duunnnnnnn
BWARM!
March 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm
When Disney starts using it, you know the trend will have reached critical mass.
March 31, 2012 at 8:59 pm
bawm.
April 1, 2012 at 1:39 am
This post is so bwarming awesome.
April 1, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I think I have bwarmed up to your blog.
Tim
April 2, 2012 at 5:50 pm
News.com.au has ripped off this post. Thought you should know. It was published today.
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/movies/is-the-bwaaaahhh-horn-hollywoods-way-of-saying-stay-away/story-e6frfmvr-1226316498869
April 2, 2012 at 9:28 pm
You know, I usually joke about anything on the Internet similar to something I’ve done owing me money… but that’s really similar to my post! Obviously, I’m hardly the only person who noticed the “BWWAARRMM”, but, jeez…
Thanks for pointing that out to me. I will now gnash my teeth.
April 2, 2012 at 9:32 pm
I sent them this comment, but obviously haven’t posted it.
“Not the most original article, you might want to acknowledge your inspiration!” And then I posted in a link to your blog.
Not the zingiest thing I’ve ever written, but maybe you can follow it up.
April 3, 2012 at 8:32 am
Silly, un-creative Hollywood… I do like your tease for the preview of the preview for the teaser (how did that go again?) for Byronic Man: The Motion Picture… It’ll be epic like Lord of the Rings no doubt.
I’m a bit miffed about all these remakes. Total Recall – really?! It’s not that old! And remaking it just makes me feel old…