Ninja Turtles: Now Explodier Than Ever

March 20, 2012

Film, Humor

I need to learn to let it go. You’d think, after the incredibly popular movie Transformers spawned two unbelievably popular sequels, I’d just accept it.  And yet I can’t!  The idea that someone, director Michael Bay, could take a toy from the 80’s and turn it in to a movie about aliens who are living robots that turn in to cars and not make it goofball – play the whole thing straight – is beyond my comprehension.  That it would be so popular? Makes my mind hurt.  I had trouble with Bay before these movie, with the frenetic editing and camera, gratuitous cleavage, gratuitous explosions, gratuitous sterotypes… But I have to let it go.

Bay somehow managed to fit this image in to a movie about alien robot cars. It's pretty undeniable: when it comes to crassly shoehorning in gratuitous T & A, the man has talent.

Especially because Michael Bay, the aforementioned director of Transformers movies and champion of the “Let’s Make America Dumb” school of filmmaking, has announced his intention to produce a big-budget reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise, based on the popular toy and kids’ cartoon from the 80’s.

Because, see, Bay took a movie based on a toy that’s a car that turns in to a robot, and made a movie that’s not intended to be funny, and people saw it (WHY?  WHY, AMERICA? WHY? Sorry.) and so he figures, hey, the Ninja Turtles was also a gimmicky toy in the 80’s, so, you know, great.  Done.  Creativity: Accomplished.  Plenty of space for cleavage and explosions in a ninja turtle movie, right?

Very clever image from Ryan Palmer at IGN.com

Of course, one cannot constrain a genius like Bay’s to strict dogma.  Bay has decided that, for his version, they will not be mutants, or – technically – turtles.  They will be aliens.  Which, I suppose, also means they aren’t ninjas, unless they came to earth and spent years studying jujitsu, which, come on, would just be unrealistic. Will they be teenagers, you may reasonably ask?  I mean, does this alien race even have the difficult, hormonal transition period known as adolescence?  This, I’m sure, is one of the many questions of characterization and realism that Bay’s team of writers are grappling with.  That or their just trying to figure out how many explosions they can cram in.

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie,” Bay stated in a way he seems to believe is coherent sentence structure.

Assuming this is successful, I suspect we can look forward to many years to come of Bay taking toys from the 80’s then turning them in to just ridiculous movies that no one seems to mind.  Including?

He will somehow make them crude, ethnic stereotypes. Also, one will be "Sexy Bear."

Care Bears: Only they don’t “care,” so much as shoot heat rays.  Also, more like velociraptor than bears.

Cabbage-Patch Dolls:  These “dolls” will be lingerie models working for Cabbage Patch magazine.  It will turn out that they’re all that stands between us and destruction at the hands of bomb-wielding alien drug cartels.

Teddy Ruxpin: Shy?  Don’t have friends?  Well, Teddy Ruxpin, the talking, radioactive, Kodiak bear is here to maul their asses.  Also, explosions.

My Little Pony: This one will be about alien robots who attack the earth, and it’s up to a wise-cracking teenager and his hot girlfriend to stop them.  The little pony will be a tattoo on the girl’s lower back.

He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe.  Actually, this would be a pretty good fit for Bay.  Super violent, over the top caricatures, rampant silliness… yes.  Yes, take this one, Bay.  Enjoy.  Go with God.

See? I am at peace.  I have let it go.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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43 Comments on “Ninja Turtles: Now Explodier Than Ever”

  1. susielindau Says:

    I think they should make a movie version of “Hey Arnold!” But who could they cast as the football-head????
    Too funny!
    Watch for my post tomorrow , I will be giving you a shout out~

    Reply

  2. BrainRants Says:

    Hollywood is devoid of anything resembling creativity or originality. No more risk. The last epic stuff I liked was The Matrix trilogy.

    Reply

  3. therealkenjones Says:

    I was reading this and thinking, “Finally! He’s using his Byronic powers for good!”

    But now I’m worried Bay might actually run with these ideas…

    Reply

  4. joehoover Says:

    Teddy Ruxpin’s pretty creepy, I’m thinking the Funzo episode of The Simpsons

    Reply

  5. atothewr Says:

    Teddy Ruxpin vs. Chucky – throw in the Hoff and you might have something.

    Reply

  6. gojulesgo Says:

    Oh, who doesn’t love a little Teddy Ruxpin in the morning? Thanks for that (and all the laughs, but I’m so spoiled by your blog that I feel like that goes without saying).

    TheRealKenJones is right, I think you’re giving Bay too many ideas. Maybe spin-offs of board games would be safer for him. Hungry, Hungry Hippos could get pretty intense.

    Reply

  7. Francesca Zelnick Says:

    Hilarious. Through and through. (And I’m 100% with you – Why, America? WHY?)

    Reply

  8. PCC Advantage Says:

    If Bay makes a movie about Teddy Ruxpin, I’m pretty sure he’ll cast Cee Lo Green as the main character.

    They have about the same arm length.

    Reply

  9. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Have you seen the My Little Pony movie (mock) live action trailer? So awesome. It’s definitely Michael Bay worthy.

    While I do not endorse this TMNT remake, I do endorse this post. And the Care Bear bit especially, given my son’s recent fascination with the non-Bay bears. 🙂

    Reply

  10. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Please dont hate me but I actually found Transformers amusing in a “Yippie – an action movie without the typical ‘Bruce Wllis’ type guys!”. But then again, I loved XMen just for the Hugh Jackman factor.
    And yeh, quit giving Bay ideas – I have always found Ruxpin creepy, much like “Chuckie”, and do not think I could handle that !

    Reply

  11. sj Says:

    You know, the original Ninja Turtles weren’t exactly suitable for children. The first Eastman and Laird one-shots were kind of adult, actually. I think it’d be nice to get back to that, but not in a Bay-kind-of-way.

    Reply

  12. Lenore Diane Says:

    Teddy Ruxpin creeped me out as a kid. (Yes, I said ‘creeped me out’.) Now I’m creeped out and scared.
    And Transformers? I always think of Faith No More’s song, “We Care A Lot” They cared a lot about transformers ‘cuz there’s more than meets the eye!’

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Lenore, my friend, today you have earned a free pass to say just about anything on my site, forever, and I will stand by you; because you, Lenore, referenced Faith No More.

      Reply

  13. thesinglecell Says:

    Anything goes with movies these days. The “21 Jump Street” movie? WTF? Remaking “The Breakfast Club” and “Footloose” and all those great bad 80s movies? There are no sacred cows. Nor, apparently, are there strict definitions of what’s a turtle and what’s a ninja. I suppose this opens the door to a remake of “Cocoon” wherein Wilfred Brimley and Jessica Tandy are zombies.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There really aren’t any sacred cows. I can’t think of a movie more voraciously loved by its fans than Blade Runner, and there’ve been talks of a prequel and a remake of that lately.

      Reply

  14. Audrey Says:

    Bay is going to ruin Ninja Turtles! I loved that cartoon growing up. Alien turtles, my eye! What’s with all these remakes lately anyway? Where’s the creativity and novelty? If he wants to remake anything I say he can have Strawberry Shortcake.

    Reply

  15. genesismeranda Says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    I will be so upset when he ruins the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… I mean Aliens.

    Reply

  16. girlonthecontrary Says:

    As someone who is terrified of aliens I take great offense that Bay would take something I loved beyond all other things as a child (I literally had a crush on Raphael) and bastardize it into something that I hate beyond all things as an adult. Boy oh boy does he have a strongly worded tweet headed his way. (I can get 35 four letter words into 140 characters)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      What young girl wasn’t in love with Raphael? Truly he was the Paul McCartney of the Ninja Turtles.

      And I bet Bay will be using those $100 bills to wipe away some tears after he sees your tweet!

      Reply

  17. Blogdramedy Says:

    I guess these could all be called “retro” movies. And how sad is that? The 80s…it was a head-shaking era.

    Reply

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