“Quick, Hide In The Corners of the Ocean! No One Ever Thinks To Look There!”

July 29, 2011

Film, Humor

Hey, remember playing Battleship when you were a kid?  Remember the subtlety; the intricate, complex layers; the sense of narrative?  The feeling that you weren’t just playing a game, your were telling a story – creating a world?

No?  Huh.  Weird.  You remember it going a little more like this?

The character development! The sense of worlds within worlds! It's like Lord of The Rings' Middle Earth or something!

“A8.”

“Miss. C1.”

“Miss.  J6.”

“Miss.”

“Seriously?”

“Yup. B7.”

“Bingo!  Ha, just kidding. Miss. J5.”

“Miss. I wonder what’s on TV?”

Well, you must have a dead imagination, because the Hollywood studio that bought rights to the board-game saw a $200-million-dollar action movie involving a loose-cannon sailor, Liam Neeson, a girl in a bikini top, and invading space aliens in comically oversized spaceships.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s the preview.  (And if you doubt it has anything to do with the game of the same name, one, observe the shape of the explosive charges the aliens launch in to the naval ships; and two, it just does, okay?)

We are here to destroy you, puny human, and take over your planet! And for some reason, we've decided to start with the ocean! Perhaps we lack confidence in ourselves!

This is just one of the many board games currently being turned in to films.  On a brief tangent, do you think when someone says “The main character of this movie should be the best ____ the _____ has ever seen, but he’s throwing it all away with his rebellious attitude and loose-cannon methods!”  there’s anyone in the room who genuinely thinks, ‘Interesting. Fresh, clever. I love it!’?

I don’t know if it will feature the line “You sunk my battleship” but we can hope. Fingers-crossed, eyes-clenched, hopping-on-one-foot, hope.  From the preview it’s more likely to have lines like,

“You slept with my daughter!”

“You shot my space ship!

“You loosed your cannon!”

“You burst your bikini-top!”

“You sunk Liam Neeson’s integrity!”

Presumably, the Monopoly movie will go on way, way too long, and it will be obvious how it ends 20 minutes in.

Also in the works (none of which I am making up) is a big-budget Monopoly movie, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots (there’s also a competing boxing robot movie called Real Steel coming out soon), Risk, Candy Land, and Rubik’s Cube.  I’m especially excited for the Rubik’s cube movie.  “You have sixty seconds to get the red and the green side done or this school bus will explode!” Turn turn turn turn turn turn turn.  “Okay, good job.  Now you have sixty seconds to make one side in to a blue and white checkerboard or a convent will explode!” Turn turn turn turn turn… and so forth.

Other game-to-movie adaptations I’m hoping will get made:

Tetris.  “He was the best stacker the moving company had ever seen, but his rebellious attitude and sexy charisma got him thrown out.  Until one day, they saw one too many weird, T-shaped boxes and knew there was only one person to call…”

Look at the savagery in their eyes. Those hippos... are hungry

Checkers.  “Only those who pass through hell and touch the other side shall emerge a king.”

Hungry, Hungry Hippos. “Mister mayor, you’ve got to listen to me!  These budgets cuts for the zoo are putting people’s lives in danger!  If we keep feeding the hippos so little, mark my words, they will rise up!”

Pac-Man.  “You can’t out run the ghosts… of your past.”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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10 Comments on ““Quick, Hide In The Corners of the Ocean! No One Ever Thinks To Look There!””

  1. Blogdramedy Says:

    The only game turned into a movie I’d watch is “Wine-opoly.” And then only if they offer a host bar. 😉

    Reply

  2. madtante Says:

    I’m surprised they haven’t done a Texas Hold’em (given its popularity if not for … Westerns are out (don’t think about counting Cowboys and Aliens, Ebert has already spazzed over the fact that they took what could’ve been a Western and un-Westernized it since droves of film-watchers won’t show up to a real one).

    Reply

  3. Remediator Says:

    How about Risk — a 4-1/2 hour long epic. When the world is engulfed in war, a survivalist band retreats to Australia, where nothing much happens.

    Reply

  4. PCGuyIV Says:

    Awesome post. Thanks for giving me something fun to write about.

    Reply

  5. tinkerbelle86 Says:

    i used to love hungry hippos, having a nostalgia moment! but my cousins always made me play the one without the head so i was always at a disadvantage…

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Ah, the joys of being the youngest one in the group of kids… I remember making up a game called “hide & go scare” where if you could “scare” the seeker before they found you (i.e. make them flinch in any way), then they had to keep being the seeker. Youngest kid was always the seeker.

      Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Hollywood Has Lost Its Mind | Thoughts & Theories - August 25, 2011

    […] but I figure I need to give credit where credit is due. The inspiration for this post came from a post on The Bryonic Man. Without finding Brian MacLymont’s post, I wouldn’t have known about […]

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