Please Hire Me To Be North Korea’s Supreme Leader

January 2, 2012

Humor, Please Hire Me...

Okay, so, you might be saying to yourself that I’m a little late to be applying for the job of North Korea’s Supreme Leader.  That Kim Jong-Il has died and after much build up, appointed his son, Kim Jong-Un, as successor (though most likely, he did those two things in the opposite order).  And you know what?  A few days ago I might have agreed.  Given up.  Decided that I missed the boat.  Don’t have what it takes.  But it’s a new year!  Full of possibilities!  I’m done with stinkin’ thinkin’ and I’m aiming high!  I’m movin’ on up, to the east-side!  The far east-side!

Ummm… North Seoul? Kim Jong-Il City? Gaaahhh, this is embarassing!

I will admit that I’m not an obvious choice for the position.  I am not Korean, not related to Kim Jong-Il, have never proclaimed myself a god (except after completing a Saturday New York Times Crossword), and the other day at a pub trivia competition couldn’t, for the life of me, remember what the capital of North Korea is.  So why should you hire me to be the new leader?  Consider the following:

The hilarity.  Okay, picture it.  Press conference.  We get Kim Jong-Un there.  He’s been built up to insane megalomaniacal beliefs about himself, primed and set to become supreme leader.  He’s sitting at the table answering softball questions about world affairs.  Then, juuuuuust as he’s taking a drink of water, we tell him that’s it’s actually going to be me taking over!  You know he’d do a spit take!  Wouldn’t that alone be worth it?

Do you like my hat? Really? You think it’s tasteful and dignified? You aren’t just saying that because I can have you imprisoned? Would it also look classy with a bandana around it?

Feeling comfortable with being called ‘Kim.’  As a westerner, you might worry that I’d feel uneasy about being a heterosexual male and having to change my name to Kim.  Actually, I think there’d really be something to it.  I’d name myself Kim Jenny-Becky just to watch people have to act like it’s a really masculine name in my presence.  I’d also intentionally wear vertical and horizontal stripes at the same time and make people tell me I look great.

Anti-American Rhetoric.  You might reasonably wonder: could I continue the tradition of blind, idiotic hatred of the United States?  But as an American, I have insight into life in the US that North Koreans could only dream of, thus giving my demagoguery some refreshing specificity.  Plus, as a humorist, I’d give it a kind of Seinfeldian twist.  So instead of boring old “American moral corruption and capitalist imperialism and blah blah” you’d get “What’s the deal with states where you can’t turn right on a red light?” and “What’s the deal with libraries only being open 3 hours a week, but porn shops open 24/7?”  Then someone would point out that I stole that joke from Dana Gould and I’d have them executed.

This war is SO COOL! And, it’s a great cardio workout! All hail Supreme Leader!

Breakdancing!  Breakdancing!  Breakdancing!  Have you seen the documentary Planet B-Boy?  Well, you totally should.  It’s about the world breakdancing championships and I defy you to watch it and not want to take up b-boying immediately.  Anyway, the South Koreans are just amazing breakdancers.  So I’d secretly train some dancers, then announce to the world that the time for pacifism has passed!  It’s time for the south and the north to settle their differences with a battle!  And everyone would gasp, and then I’d be all, “A breakdance battle!”  And the music would start thumping and dancers would come out and everyone would be like, “This is awesome!!  I wish we were in conflict with North Korea!”

Allllmost there…

Continuation of old policies.  In the 1970’s, North Korea tried to dig a tunnel underground into downtown Seoul.  (I know. I know that fact, but not what the capital is?  What is wrong with my brain?)  Coincidentally, when I was a kid, Quinn Hale and I decided to dig a tunnel between our houses so we could go back and forth to play.  I don’t know if the Korean tunnel was also for the purposes of playing Star Wars and having a cool tunnel, but I’d assume so.  Now, the North Korean tunnel was discovered and blocked off, and our tunnel got blocked about 9 inches down by some roots and rocks, but this just shows that I have the right kind of thinking.

Trying some new policies.  Okay, I have this zany idea.  What I might try is instead of starving my people, and scaring them into obedience, I’d give them enough to eat, and make our country prosperous and happy.  You never know, it might just work!  Also, I’d change the name of the capital to, like, “North Korea Capital City” or something really easy to remember.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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16 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be North Korea’s Supreme Leader”

  1. Walter Says:

    Wait a darn second- I thought you were running for President of The USA? And hey- I nominated you for mayor of Los Angeles. I think you are going to be spread a little too thin. You might have to clone yourself…if you haven’t already.


  2. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Just for the breakdancing competition alone, I’d pick you, Kim Becky-Jenny!


  3. becomingcliche Says:

    You completed the entire NY Times crossword? You’ve got my vote! But please refrain from the stripes. Just please.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Thursday’s my favorite NYT crossword, because it usually has some clever wordplay in it.

      And I’ll compromise: no horizontal stripes. Can’t have Supreme Leader looking fat.


  4. Rog Says:

    I agree with Walter… it looks like you still have time to be the front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination.


  5. booksnob Says:

    Yes to breakdancing, please! I would totally hurl insults at North Korea, just to force my boys to learn how to breakdance competitively.


  6. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    ….but what happens if the NASA astronaut gig pans out? I dont know if you could rule N Korea from space, they dont even allow TV much less fancy internet/communications….and I think once your “in” your not allowed to leave…..


  7. gojulesgo Says:

    I’d like someone else to wear that hat while I’m standing next to you, so I could say, “Oh my god, Jenny-Becky. Look. At her. Hat.”

    Holy chipmunk, look what I just found:

    It’s terrible, but I had to.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “She must be one of those North Korean dictator’s girlfriends.”

      And that video? Oh my God, Jules. That video has had over 5. million. hits. I feel depressed (and I cannot lie).


  8. topiclessbar Says:

    With the Steve Jobs post and now this, I have to say – you’re really a guy who knows how to take advantage of death. That’s a good trait to have. Some see misery…you, glorious opportunity! Suckers look through the classified ads for jobs. The real market is in the obits.

    Hilarious post, Byronic!


  9. Catherine Hamrick Says:

    Glad I found you. Too funny.


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