Bad News: Sharks Are Coming To Kill Us All. Good News: HYBRID Sharks Are Coming To Kill Us All

January 5, 2012

Humor

The Common-Australian Blacktip. Also known as SHARK-AGEDDON HYBRIDZILLA.

According to a recent report, sharks – the world’s most totally awesome creatures who also scare the crap out of me – may be evolving.  Apparently, a breed of “hybrid shark” has been discovered of the coast of Australia.  Now, before you get your hopes up, it’s a hybrid with another species of shark.  It’s not a hybrid with, say, a human, or a bald eagle or a chainsaw.

My name? Colin. Colin Simp... fen... dor... fer.

This report states that scientists believe global warming may have something to do with it, as the new type of black-tip shark would be able to habitate a broader range of climates.  Now, on one hand, when you combine “shark” and “global warming” in even the most casual conversation you’re basically just asking for any journalists in ear-shot to have a fit.  Throw in a disgraced celebrity and you have the perfect story.  Also, one of the scientists in the article is named Colin Simpfendorfer, which totally sounds like a name you’re making up, and can’t decide when to stop.  And, to be fair, Simpfendorfer states that climate change is just one of many possible causes of the new breed, but that’s buried in the article amidst paragraph after paragraph of “Global Warming Breeds New Species of Super Shark!”  So, the whole thing probably needs to be taken with a big grain of salt.

On the other hand, though… SHARK HYBRID!

And after weighing both sides of this, I’m going with SHARK HYBRID.  Since the article didn’t explicitly state the contrary, I’m gong to assume this new breed of shark has a mad lust for human blood.  I’m also going to assume that “hybrid” in this case involves all the sci-fi sounding elements I’d like it to, including, but not limited to:

  • The ability to shoot some sort of heat/death/sonic ray from its eyes.

    Scientists are unclear if Shark Hybrid will desire to solve crimes with a band of teenagers.

  • Armored skin
  • An insatiable appetite for disgraced celebrities.
  • Teeth that snap out of the gums like a switch-blade, and make a little “shing!” sound when they do.
  • Ability to fly (obviously).
  • A desire to be my friend.
  • Enormous size or the ability to become enormous at will.
  • A deep hatred of humans and a desire to destroy our major cities in ironic, metaphoric retribution for our abuse of the natural world.

Would this new breed of shark have the ability/desire to take Godzilla in a fight? The article doesn't say, suggesting the answer is too terrifying.

Finally, okay, the hybrid is not only just shark/shark hybrid, it’s just a combination of the Australian Blacktip shark and the Common Blacktip shark, which reduces the excitement levels by about a million.  So let’s ignore that part and stick with the sensationalistic stuff.  But maybe by not mentioning that until way down here, casual readers will stick with the SHARK HYBRID part.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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35 Comments on “Bad News: Sharks Are Coming To Kill Us All. Good News: HYBRID Sharks Are Coming To Kill Us All”

  1. becomingcliche Says:

    I am very sad that they are not shark/chainsaw hybrids. But I do hope that they use 70% less energy and will help reduce global warming.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Take comfort, because Shark Hybrid is highly energy efficient (except when shooting heat rays), and how Shark Hybrid impacts global warming will be up to him, as he can change the climate at will. We must simply hope for the best,

      Reply

  2. booksnob Says:

    I so want the sharks to make “shing!” noises with their teeth. Just like Erik Estrada.

    Also, you lost me for a few minutes while I giggled and quietly said “asshoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooole!” under my breath.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s just an endlessly quotable movie. My favorite thing in that moment from the photo here with Kevin Kline, after he butchers the fake name, is that the English woman replies with perfect iciness, “Well, Mr. Manfrensenjensen…”

      Reply

    • She's a Maineiac Says:

      Me too. Asshooooooole! As soon as I saw Otto, every single line from that movie popped into my head. It was a struggle to keep reading but I do love me some shark tales.

      Reply

  3. madtante Says:

    I’m kinda hoping for an inner row of chompers (they already have multi-rows) that come out like Alien.

    …I live dead-center, land-locked, lower 48, so ya know. I’m not too scared.

    Reply

  4. thesinglecell Says:

    I hear they can swim 100 miles a day on one feeding as opposed to the non-hybrid 60 miles.

    Reply

  5. Too creative for this life Says:

    “Don’t call me stupid – Yes calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” Anyways, doesn’t everything in the ocean have to be taken with a grain of salt? Sorry, couldn’t resist. This was the funniest post of the day!

    Reply

  6. She's a Maineiac Says:

    “A desire to be my friend.” I just about choked and died reading this line. Coffee shot out of my nose. Thanks for that.

    I am a bit disappointed there aren’t any chainsaw mutant sharks though. Damn!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m thinking of writing a series about a shark/chainsaw hybrid. He’ll be a vigilante, misunderstood by society, mocked by other sharks and loggers alike. It will then become a TV series and the theme will go: “Sharksaw! Sharksaaaaaaawww!”

      Hellooo, prestigious awards.

      Reply

  7. gojulesgo Says:

    Is it wrong that I ACTUALLY had my hopes up until the last paragraph? And you know what? I think I’m gonna swim in denial (not to be confused with de Nile) a little longer.

    Reply

  8. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    An insatiable appetite for disgraced celebrities.
    If that’d take care of the Kardashians, I would be so happy. I only turn on the TV to put on Lilo & Stitch for my son, but they still somehow pervade everything. Except the video itself, fortunately.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      The first mental image that popped in my head was of the Kardashians being devoured. I suppose that’d mean a bunch of softly-lit “gone too soon” magazine covers, but they’re on them all anyway, so… worth it.

      Reply

  9. Walter Says:

    In this months Vanity Fair Ralph Fiennes says he doesn’t want to die by shark. Does he know something we don’t? (Besides Harry Potter’s mom that is.)

    Reply

  10. rambling jill Says:

    Just leaving for 8 weeks of SCUBA diving. Looking forward to finding the fueling stations for hybrid sharks. Alas, not heading to Australia.

    As far as great hybrids, I think a hammerhead — chainsaw cross would be totally perfect.

    Reply

  11. Blogdramedy Says:

    You have a thing about sharks. I find it charming. 🙂

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I do. I have since childhood, really. I think I might just cut through it and write a “Why I Love Sharks So Much” post. I’m glad it’s charming instead of just tedious.

      Reply

  12. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    When I read about this on msn, my mind went straight to the Godzilla image and now you are solidifying all my unreasonable fears about large fish with large teeth and water so deep you have NO idea whats lurking under the surface……just last summer I let my sweetie talk me into taking up sailing. How do i break it to him that we need to find a land-locked hobby…..(sigh)

    Reply

  13. midsummerdreamsandwintertales Says:

    And gold teeth, like in that Bond. And a sexy cool sports car that, as a shark, even a hybrid, it can’t drive, so you have to drive for it.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Cooool. I’ll wear sunglasses and be all, “Let’s roll, Shark Hybrid.” Then we’ll jump in the convertible over the doors and the Miami Vice theme music will crank up from out of nowhere…

      Reply

  14. genesismeranda Says:

    I’ve read “Simpfendorfer” about twenty times. Oops. I just read it again. 21 times later and I still giggle. Wait. Make that 22.

    Reply

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