Don’t Talk Dirty To Me

November 4, 2011


Good citizens of the Byroniverse!  Stop talking!  Stop talking immediately!  With every word you say you quite possibly push yourself closer to eternal damnation!  You sully the very goodness of the world!  Oh, I knew language was opening the door to trouble, but I had no idea it hid such filth and vulgarity within its borders.

Thankfully, Leonso Canales of Kingsville, Texas, is there.  The Associated Press recently reported that he is on a crusade to eradicate the word “hello,” as it forces good people, children even, to go around saying “Hell” to each other.


Once you see it, it’s so obvious, isn’t it?  All this time we’ve been greeting each other with the best of intentions, and we’ve been, in fact, propagating the boundaries of Satan’s realm and cussing up a storm. Of course, Canales and his allies have since revised their strategy, realizing that saying “heaven” as a greeting doesn’t flow, so they’re going with “heaveno.”

"Say heaveno to my little friend!" See? With one simple change, at long last you can watch 'Scarface' with your kids without worrying they'll be exposed to inappropriate material!

Well, I for one am sick and tired of our beautiful language being polluted with all this language.  It’s time we cleaned up this filthy language!

Here’s a few other words and names that need to be destroyed immediately:

“Assume.” Not only does it say “ass,” but it makes one of “U” and “Me”!

“House,” for containing the derogatory term “ho”

“Flagellation,” because it sounds dirty.  Like a bodily function.

“Help.” Only one L, but that’s the devil’s craftiness.  If someone said “Go to help!” you’d think they just hiccupped or something while damning you.  Oh, people do too say “Go to help.”

Who's an affront to decent people everywhere? You are! Yesh you are! Yesh you are!

“Cockapoo.”  What kind of perverted, deranged pervert bred this dog??  Every time I even see that word my monocle pops out and I faint dead away.

“Crape Myrtle.”  What do you mean, “What’s that?” The ornamental shrub or small tree?  Bears big, gaudy blooms? Of the genus Lagerstroemia, family Lythraceae?  Anyway, I’m on to you sicko botanists.

“Pooped.”  I think it’s sufficient to tell us you’re tired without sneaking fecal imagery in there, thank you, mister smut-mouth.

Don't touch them! Oh, God, they're everywhere!

“Seashell.”  She sells eternal damnation down by the seashore.

The “Bone-Eating Snot Flower Worm.”  Yes, it’s a real thing.  And it’s disgusting.  And don’t get me started on the Australian Snot Gobbler.

“Honore de Balzac.”  Oh, you think that’s funny, mssr. Balzac?  Maybe some little kid has to study you in school and I bet you just some kind disgusting thrill out of people saying your surname.  Big shock that Sleazy McPedophile here was a writer who deals in, that’s right, words.

Oh, the list goes on and on.  What have I missed?  Join me on the fight clean up this disgusting language!

Because what other social ill could be more important?

Photo credits:

  1. “Man Wants ‘Hell’ Taken Out of ‘Hello.”  Associated Press
  2. Scarface, image property of Universal Pictures
  3. “C’mon Throw The Ball!” by Big Dump Truck.  Flickr
  4. “Seashells 1” by Goulash.75 Flickr
  5. “Heaveno” image via
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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17 Comments on “Don’t Talk Dirty To Me”

  1. becomingcliche Says:

    Canales should start with is own name, since it contains the word “anal.” That would leave him with only “Cles,” which also sounds kind of dirty. He may need to pull a “Prince” and just adopt a symbol instead of a name. He could be “The flea market operator formerly known as someone whose name contained a naughty word.”


  2. BrainRants Says:

    I always thought ‘flagellation’ sounded like something you do TO yourself…


  3. madtante Says:

    My grandfather didn’t swear but he had an interesting euphemism.


  4. JB Maddawg Says:

    Can I still use “Shan’t”?


  5. Stephanie {1000 Novels} Says:

    I’ll get right on that, as soon as I finish enjoying my Freedom Fries.


  6. Walter Says:

    I still say you should run for mayor of Los Angeles. Just hire an actor and write his lines from Byronville! Quit being so Hellenic. Oh no!


  7. gojulesgo Says:

    You had me at heaveno. This is hysterical.


  8. natasiarose Says:

    Masticate. I like to use that word because it makes everyone think bad things.


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