Please Hire Me To Be Apple’s New Visionary

October 8, 2011

Humor, Please Hire Me...

It is very, very sad that Steve Jobs has passed away, for many reasons, of course; but for we, the world, it is mostly for the loss of his vision, and the incredible things he surely had yet to create.

And while he had resigned from Apple shortly before his death, he could only ever be synonymous with the company.  And with his passing, there lies a void where there had been this visionary.

Until now.

Uh-oh! Somebody got tired! Anyway, about the future...

I am proposing that I take his position as the resident visionary for Apple.  Now, I’m not trying to be ghoulish here, and swoop in so soon, but the fact is, you – Apple – need a visionary; and I’m a visionary.  A big-picture guy.  “A dreamer and a fool,” as Jobs himself said to be at his commencement address at Stanford.  No, I didn’t go to Stanford, but I did see the clip on YouTube while looking for videos of animals falling asleep.

I see the world, not as it is, but some other way.  A way that’s bold, exciting.  A way that frequently involves flying guys who can shoot fire out of their palms.  I see the world with lots of volcanoes and space aliens, and dinosaurs who can talk and are my friends.  “The Man” will tell you it’s because, developmentally, I’m 10 years old; but where they see stunted mental growth, I see a world of possibility.  Because I’m a visionary.

Oh, don’t believe me? Fine.  The iPen.  Boom.  World: changed.  What does it do?  How does it work?  That’s for the detail guys.  I’m the visionary.

The iToaster.   iGlasses.  iTelescope.  iHarmonica.  I could keep this up all day.

But wait, you say.  Part of Jobs’ marketing genius was making people crazed for the latest version of the products.  What visions do you have for existing products?  Awesome visions.  That’s what kind.

This (sexied up about 25%), + ...

iPad 3? It’ll have a clock in it.  No, I know it currently has a little read-out to tell you what time it is, I’m talking about an actual clock, with gears and those two big bells and you wind it up every day.  It’s right in the thing.  But why?  Oh, you who lack vision; how muted and plain your world must be.  For starters, the packaging guys will make it super-sexy.  But also, how many times have you found yourself in this situation: “Uh-oh, the battery’s run out on my iPad and I’m not sure if I have time to charge it and take a nap before the big presentation!  If only there was some way to know what time it was, and set an alarm to wake me!”  This common nightmare will be a thing of the past.

... this = The Future.

I also see the new iPod with a big bike-lock & chain attached to it, to reduce theft.

Visionaries can be scary, because they shake things up.  For example, when I look at the future of Apple, and computers in general, what do I see?  I see novelty mouse pads.  Just let that vision sink in.  Don’t be scared. That’s the future calling.

I know this is a difficult time.  I think we’re all only realizing the extent to which Jobs shaped our world.  But I also know Apple Computers needs to move forward.  It needs a visionary.  It needs someone it can pay $300 million a year (non-negotiable).  And when you’re ready, Apple, I’ll be here.

Because the world will need hilarious mouse-pads.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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17 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be Apple’s New Visionary”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    You’re definitely onto something here.


  2. k8edid Says:

    Could you work on the iToilet?


  3. Akyere Graham Says:

    Nicely done. I’m sold on your appointment already! iLike.


  4. The Good Greatsby Says:

    Those are some pretty good ideas, but I think I could come up with ideas half as good for only $100 million.


  5. andshelaughs Says:

    I’ll be the iWingman Byron…keep dreaming…


  6. topiclessbar Says:

    Absolutely hilarious. Thanks man.



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