I recently wrote a guest post over at the always compelling, entertaining and engaging Worst Professor Ever, and the post got tweeted by The Times (you see, in England, they still have a few remaining “news papers” – which are like news web sites that have been printed off for you; I know, clever, right?), which is all cool and neat and such, and obviously means I’m very, very important. But, I have to be honest; it leaves me with several points I’m hoping can get cleared up…
Crazy, isn't it? It's like a manual-powered iPad!
Does this mean I’m a knight now? Or a lord?
If so, have you considered the possible confusion between me and Lord Byron the poet, if we’re both lords? Could you maybe, in the future, refer to the poet as “the club-footed, dead, Lord Byron”? Just a suggestion.
Do you guys all have English accents? Omigod, that’s, like, so cool.
Are you going to start hacking my phone? I see that Paul McCartney is now claiming that The Daily Mirror has been hacking his phone (Seriously, Daily Mirror? What could you possibly hope to hear? “Hello, did you know I used to be in The Beatles? That was fun. Also, I am still vegetarian, but sometimes bacon smells really good. What’s that double-clicking sound?”), so it seems like that might be standard protocol over there at this point. Write a story, hack the phone.
My wife would like to know if you can introduce her to Hugh Grant. Thanks.
Um, no offense intended, but don’t you think the name of your paper can lead to frustration? I say “The Times” I get blank stares. “What’s that?” “A Newspaper.” “Oh! The New York Times?” “No, just The Times.” “Why aren’t you telling me the whole name? Are you embarrassed? Is it in, like, Des Moines?” “No, London. The. Times.” “So, why don’t they call it The London Times?” “Sigh.”
I bet they feel pretty foolish for not inviting me to the wedding now!
Have you been to Scotland? It’s beautiful. You should go. They have this amazing festival in Edinburgh… I forget what it’s called.
Could you let the royal family know that if they want to call me, they need to make sure that their number shows up on caller ID or it’ll be blocked?
Is there any possible way to make this Twitter thing sound prestigious? “As tweeted by…” sounds ridiculous. I’ve been writing out variations like a 13-year-old writing her boyfriend’s name on a peechee, and I’m coming up with a big, fat bag of nothing.
The Byronic Man 
August 6, 2011 at 9:03 am
Congrats, Lord Byron!
August 7, 2011 at 3:21 am
I’d offer my congratulations, but I’m too busy practicing my curtsy and googling The Times.
August 7, 2011 at 3:33 am
P.S. – I just read your guest post and it was FANTASTIC. I have definitely heard similar comments about thesis writing (explore new ideas? No! You need to re-prove something that’s already been proven!) and still have trouble accepting the notion. Though I haven’t explored the reasoning for my departure from academia as deeply (or humorously) as you have, I suspect similar experiences led me to this point – refusing to go to grad school and starting a humor blog (my undergrad degree is in creative writing – and believe me, I struggled with the idea of going to college for writing). Anyway, I truly bow down to you, able-bodied, living Lord Byron!
August 7, 2011 at 7:31 am
Thanks! (or now that I’m hoity-toity i suppose I mean, “Thenk yew”)
I was worried the guest post sounding like whining, so hopefully it didn’t. And, yes, it is pretty startling how rigid academia can be. Obviously, you need to learn rhetorical fundamentals and can’t have every student rushing out to prove something never ever thought of before, but it seems to so often ignore even complex thought and synthesis of ideas.
And I hear you on the degree in writing – I always though my diploma was going to have an asterisk on it.
August 10, 2011 at 4:18 am
No, it didn’t sound like whining at all! I wanted to drop back in on this post to tell you that your question for “Dear Good Greatsby” cracked me up!
August 10, 2011 at 7:18 am
Thanks! I’m hoping my neighbor sees it…
August 7, 2011 at 5:02 am
Wow… That’s great!!!
August 8, 2011 at 7:30 pm
hilarious and you do truly walk in beauty *wink*
August 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Loved the caption under the guy reading the paper photo. Good captions just never get the attention they deserve. 🙂
August 26, 2011 at 7:23 am
When I read The Times part, I thought it was The New York Times. And now… England has a newspaper called The Times? That is so annoying, I’m probably going to be one of the people who play the second part of the little skit you made up. I suppose I should be disemboweled for not being more general-knowledgable, but really? I’m too busy shaking my head like Jack Black and caring about my studies. Which are, you know, pretty hardcore.
I will now proceed to cackle (and raising hackles) at your priceless piece of humorous writing.
August 26, 2011 at 10:30 am
It’s funny, because on one hand it’s a HUGE newspaper, but on the other, the name is so utterly confusing if you’re not in England. I bet they kind of wish they had a more specific name sometimes, but there’s no way they’d stoop to change it.