And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 2 of 2)

July 27, 2011

Humor

A continuation of “And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 1 of 2)

LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

(The Friends and M are playing a game and eating snacks.  Byron, having grown frustrated that no one has come to get him, has come out of the bedroom and is orbiting the group.  He notices Friend 3’s coat on a chair in the corner)

Seriously. Is this kashmir? I love it.

Byron:  Hey, this is a great coat.  (he feels it, then rubs it against his face) Wow, soft.  This is really nice.  Interesting texture.  Was this expensive?  It feels expensive.  (he puts it on)  Ooh.  Awesome. (he sits in the chair and starts squirming about in the coat)  Man, I could live in this thing.  Makes you kind of sweaty, though.  (keeps squirming)  Yeah, I’m sweating like crazy in this thing.  Phew.

(Byron takes off the coat, wiping his face on the sleeve and goes and sits by Friend 2)

Byron: Hi.

Friend 2: Hi, what are you up to?

Byron:  You seem nice. (he scoots closer to her and puts an arm around her)

Friend 2: (sneezes)  Um, hey, what kind of shampoo do you use?  Maybe deodorant?  Something you’re using is making me really allergic.  (sneezes)

Byron:  Really?  That’s interesting. You are just so interesting.

Friend 2: (sneezes)  (sneezes) Doh, really.  Sobethig you’re usig is baygig be allerjig. (sneezes)

Byron: You’re sure talking funny, though. Do you have a cold?  Hey, smell my hair for a second.

M: Byron, why don’t you come sit by me (she offers him a bowl of trail mix) Are you hungry?

Byron: (goes over, tries a bite, doesn’t like it, and puts the rest of his handful back in the bowl)  Yuk.

(M takes a bowl of potato chips, which friend 1 has just taken a bite from)

M: What about these?

Byron: (won’t even look at them) What am I, gutter-trash?

Friend 1: I love these.

Byron:  Weird.  They’re disgusting.  I want tortilla chips.

M: But salt & vinegar chips are your favorite things in the world!

Byron: Well, today they make me want to vomit.  What are you going to do about it?

M: You are so fussy!

Byron: Fine, I’ll starve!  I think I’ll go outside.  I want to go outside.  I want to GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

M: (takes a deep breath) Maybe we have some tortilla chips in a cupboard somewhere.

Byron: (sits down, forgetting about going outside) Blue corn, preferably.

(M gets up and goes to the kitchen.  He looks down at the game and becomes entranced by it.  Friend 1 moves a piece, and Byron fixates on it)

Byron: Cool game.

Friend 1: Do you want to play?

I can see why you like this game. It's super interesting.

(Byron doesn’t even seem to have heard.  Byron reaches over to the piece Friend 1 just moved, putting his hand in the middle of the board, and taps the piece)

Friend 3: What are you doing there, buddy?

(Byron flicks the piece off the board)

Friend 1: Stop that!

(Byron raises his hand in apology, then goes back to watching.  M returns with a bowl of blue-corn tortilla chips.)

M: Okay.  I found some.

(Byron is too entranced by the game now.  A moment later he can’t resist, and taps another piece)

Friend 2: Stop.

(Byron flicks another piece)

M: Hey!

(Before they can do anything he quickly flicks another one)

Friend 1: Knock it off!

Byron: You’re all jerks!  (Byron walks about a foot and a half away, and sits on the floor with his back to them)

Friend 3: He’s so funny.

(The rest of them go back to playing.  He attempts to continue his protest, but quickly nods off)

LATER – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

(The friends are at the door, getting ready to go.  Byron is asleep on the floor, his hand stuck in the bag of tortilla chips, and one of the game pieces next to his face.   Byron raises his head, and, seeing that everyone is leaving, goes over and hugs everyone.  The Friends leave)

M: I’m exhausted.  Time for bed.

Byron: I heard that.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

(M is climbing into bed, pulling the covers up. Suddenly, there is a horrible, rhythmic thumping.  Byron enters the room, dribbling a basketball)

Byron: I’m kind of awake now.  You want to do something?

M: No.  Come on. It’s time for bed.

(Suddenly he lets the ball roll away, as Byron stares furiously at something in the air)

So then I saw the bug and I was like, BAM. Crushed it. Just wiped it out.

Byron: There’s a bug in here.  There is a BUG IN HERE.

(Byron traces it with his eyes, zeroing in on a spot on the wall, which he then lunges at with all his might, slamming in to the wall)

Byron: Got it!  HAHAHAHAAA! Yes!  I am awesome!

M: Good job.  You’re a mighty hunter.  Now can we go to bed?

Byron: No way!  There could be other bugs!

M: Just come here for a few minutes, then you can go check the house, okay?

Byron: (climbing on the bed, nestling against her) Okay, but I’m pretty wired now.

(He falls asleep)

BEDROOM – DEAD OF NIGHT

(Byron and M are sleeping.  Byron wakes, and sits up. He thinks for a moment)

Byron: I’m hungry.  I could go for something to eat?  (Pokes M) Are you hungry?  I’m hungry.  Man, I’m, like, really hungry. Are you?  We should eat something.  (starts poking M, repeatedly) M, are you hungry?  M.  M.  M. Are you hungry?  I’m hungry. Let’s eat something.  Yeah, that sounds good.

M: It’s not time to eat.

Byron: Oh.  (thinks for a moment)  I don’t know, I’m pretty hungry.  I’d really like something to eat.  Ooh, yeah, food sounds really good.  Do we have any salt & vinegar potato chips?

M: Go.  Back.  To.  Sleep.

Byron: I’m not sure I’ve ever been this hungry.  Hungry.  Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hun–

M: (Shoving herself out of bed) Good lord.  Come on.

Byron: Sweet.

Photo credits: 

  1. Teddlesruss, “Cat. Coat. Fur. Argh…” Flickr
  2. Kkfea, “IMG_0581” Flickr
  3. Waiting All Day, “Lion” Flickr
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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6 Comments on “And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 2 of 2)”

  1. madtante Says:

    Super-excellent on this piece, too! Fun, fun reading!

    Reply

  2. Blogdramedy Says:

    I hate to be negative (oh my god I did not just say that) but…no mouse. Can’t give you credit for this one I’m afraid. Like I said earlier…gerbil. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Sarah Says:

    I hate cats. But. Maybe they hold the keys to true happiness?

    Reply

  4. Margie Says:

    Excellent! (Tomorrow you might want to climb the drapes…)

    Reply

  5. Zahra Mayeesha Says:

    I love the entire Dog and Cat series. I hope there’s more. Jeez, how the hell do you DO that? So hilarious yo

    Reply

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