…And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 1 of 2)

July 25, 2011

Humor

A continuation of the prize-winning, best-selling, critically-acclaimed, life-changing, “There Are Times I Wish I Had My Dog’s Life” Parts 1 and 2

BEDROOM – MORNING

Byron is sprawled across the bed, sleeping, while M is getting dressed for work.  M comes to the bed and attempts to begin making it.

M: Come on, you got to get up.  Come on.  (Byron doesn’t budge, or even seem to waken)  Come on, move.  I need to make the bed.  (M attempts to physically stir him, but Byron swats at her, still somehow seeming to otherwise not be awake)  Oh my God, get up! (giving up)  Fine.

(M resigns herself to attempting to pull the sheets straight with him still on the bed.  Byron still does not stir, but scowls slightly.)

LATER.

(Byron is still sprawled out.  M enters and scratches his back.  Byron doesn’t seem to wake, but does shift so M can scratch his back more easily)

M: So, I’m leaving for work, lazy-bones.  Somebody needs a job to keep us going, don’t they?  Yes, they do! (M leaves)

ONE HOUR LATER.  (He is still sleeping)

ONE HOURLATER. (Still sleeping)

ONE HOUR LATER.  Byron awakens, stretches a little and exits the room.

LIVING ROOM – DAY

(Byron is standing at the window, munching toast and sipping coffee, staring blankly out the window. For a moment he sees something that puts him at alert.  He crouches, wide-eyed, ready to flee or attack, then it passes and he goes back to staring blankly.  He stays there staring for about 45 minutes, then moseys over to a chair, sits, and falls asleep)

(Byron is still sleeping in the living room chair when M returns home.  She is frazzled and exhausted)

Byron: Hey, good day?

M: Busy.  Hard, tough day.

Byron: Psh.  Tell me about it.

(A moment later Byron bolts up, looking around nervously.  He leaps up and charges noisily to the other end of the house and looks around, then charges to the other end and looks around, then back, then back, only on the return trip, he loses his footing and slams into a door frame and falls to the ground.  He immediately begins stretching to touch his toes and looking very casual)

M: You okay?

Byron: Me?  Yeah.  Why?  Just stretching.  Little yoga.  I’m pretty good at it.

M: You didn’t just slam head-first into the doorway and fall down?

Byron: (snorts) What?  No.  Yoga.

(M sets down her things.  Byron looks at her briefcase for a moment, then goes over and sits on it.)

M: Why are you sitting on my briefcase?

I've got him! HAHAHAAA! But they usually travel in pairs... I will be wary.

(He doesn’t respond.  He is watching her untie her shoes with fascination.  He stares at the laces, his eyes getting wider and wider. Finally, he grabs her shoe by the laces and pulls it from her foot)

Byron: Got it!  Oh man, I thought it might be a couple of little snakes or I don’t know what – something.  I just saved your life.  That was intense!  It’s weird that more people don’t realize how great I am, especially when I do stuff like that. (gasps) Another one!  (he lunges for M’s other foot)

LIVING ROOM – EVENING

(The two of them are sitting on the couch.  M is reading the newspaper.  Byron is staring at a corner of the ceiling, transfixed.  He tires of that after a while and looks at M. She continues reading.  Byron stares for a second, then flops over onto her lap, crushing the newspaper.

M: Did you want something?

Byron: Hm?  No.  But if you feel like talking to me, I’d be cool with that.  How are things?

(There is a knock at the door.  Byron bolts upright)

Byron:  Oh my God.  Who’s that?  What’s going on?

M: It’s just our friends. Remember?  They’re coming over for dinner?

(M gets up and answers the door.  Three Friends are at the door)

Okay, who the hell are these people? Play it cool, Byron. Don't move a muscle.

M: Hey, guys!  Come on in!

(As the Friends enter, Byron leaps up and runs into the bedroom, shutting the door)

Friend 1: Was that Byron?

M: Oh, he’s just feeling shy.  He’ll come out when he feels like it.

Friend 2: Oh, I hope so.  He’s so cute.

INT. LIVING ROOM

(M and the Friends are sitting and talking.  Byron pokes his head around the corner, then slowly walks out, as though he has no interest in the conversation.  Byron goes and stands near them but faces a different direction)

Friend 2: Hey, buddy, whatcha doing?

Friend 3: You want to join the conversation? Come on; come on over.

Friend 1: You’re sure a handsome guy.  You sure are.  Come on and hang out with us.

Byron: Maybe.  Maybe I will.

(Byron goes and sits with them. Friend 1 & 3 begin rubbing his shoulders and stroking his hair, which he clearly loves, but does not acknowledge)

Friend 1: Look how nice your hair is.  Such beautiful hair.

Friend 3: What a handsome guy.  So handsome.  Aren’t you handsome?

Byron: (he gets angry suddenly, and swats them away) Okay, I’m tired of that now!

(They find this charming)

Oh my God, you are so boring. Why are you so boring? People would be more interested in you if you were less boring.

Friend 2: So anyway, I was saying about the splitting up of my department?  It’s really thrown things in upheaval.  Everyone’s scared for their jobs.  I’m just trying to keep focused, but everything I’m working on really depends on keeping our current budget.  Depend on how they reapportion, I –

(Byron gets up and walks over to the wall and stares at nothing)

Friend 2: I, uh… I could end up, um… What are you doing?

Byron: Hm?  Oh, I just found what you were saying boring, so I figured I’d go over here and see if I was less bored looking at, you know, nothing.

(There is a moment of silent reaction, then, they all laugh)

M: Oh, that’s so adorable.

Friend 2: Well, somebody’s mister fussy-pants, isn’t he?

(A timer goes off)

M: Oh, looks like dinner’s ready!

Byron: Gross. I’m not hungry.  (He goes to the bedroom again and shuts the door most of the way, peeking out to see what’s happening, and if anyone’s coming for him.  He waits there, motionless)

*WILL SOMEONE PERSONALLY INVITE HIM TO COME TO DINNER?

*WILL BYRON GET ENOUGH SLEEP?

*WILL BYRON WANDER OVER INTO THE NEIGHBOR’S YARD TO SEE WHAT’S GOING ON OVER THERE?  MAYBE SEE WHAT THEY’RE EATING TONIGHT?

*WILL BYRON ARBITRARILY VOMIT, THEN JUST GO BACK TO WHAT HE WAS DOING LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

FIND OUT.  NEXT TIME.

Photo credits:

  1. MelissambWilkins, “dscn2107 – Ford Eats Shoelace” Flickr
  2. bloomerie fabrics, “Callie Under Cover” Flicker
  3. Plonq, “Bored” Flickr
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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10 Comments on “…And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 1 of 2)”

  1. Blogdramedy Says:

    Hilarious! You’re on to something here…but I think you need more pets. Like a gerbil. The mileage you could get out of a gerbil and his wheel… oh, the possibilities. 😉

    Reply

  2. keepmymemory Says:

    I think, with the amount of sleep your cat gets, I definitely prefer his life. I’m thinking about taking a week off to sleep… Hilarious stuff, as always :))

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Every now and then I wish I could take a “cat day” – whatever they do, I do. They sleep, I sleep. They eat, I eat. They stare at birds, I watch TV. Stuff like that.

      Reply

  3. Charlotte Says:

    Haha. I got a pair of kittens a few weeks ago, and if you multiply all of the above by two and add some seemingly random fights-to-the-near-death, that’s spot on. Apparently cat-kind varies little around the world.

    Reply

  4. Wazeau Says:

    “Hm? Oh, I just found what you were saying boring, so I figured I’d go over here and see if I was less bored looking at, you know, nothing”

    Yep, this pretty much encapsulates catitude.

    Still laughing 🙂 Great post!

    Reply

  5. Anonymous Betty Says:

    Funny stuff … your cat is way more laid-back than mine though. Must be the big bad German Shepherds (husband’s) that keep my sweet ‘lil innocent kitty on her toes (and moving) at all times!

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 2 of 2) | The Byronic Man - July 27, 2011

    […] A continuation of “And Then There Are Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life (pt. 1 of 2)” […]

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