President Me: … Really, I think anyone in this room would be hard pressed to name a group more insidious, more panic inducing. A group that brings, at best, irritation and, at worst, destruction. They offer nothing. Take everything – bleeding us. I take on this challenge with a heavy heart, but I take it on for the sake of America, for the sake of the children, for the sake of freedom. I’ll now take your questions.
Samantha: This doesn’t seem…? I mean, aren’t there more important…? Okay, let’s see, you’ve decided to create national War on –
PM: War on Mosquitoes, yes.
S: War on Mosquitoes with the intention of… what?
PM: Well, wiping them out, obviously.
S: Isn’t that, frankly, absurd?
PM: Well, first, typical liberal media bias, showing sympathy toward the mosquitoes. Second, I think you have to admit, on the roster of “War On’s” this country has declared, this one is by far the most realistic.
S: I suppose mosquitoes can carry malaria and plague…
PM: Can they? Oh, well, see? There you go.
Frank: And this ‘War’ involves what?
PM: It’s a multi-pronged approach. First, committing a portion of our military and national guard – say, oh, 80% of it – to battling these monsters. We’ll create special forces trained to understand mosquito psychology, to research more effective repellents, and to track them down where they live. Minnesota? You’re about to get real crowded. This will all happen under the umbrella of Operation: GLFD.
F: Which stands for…?
PM: “God-damned Little Fuckers, Die.” The folks at the Pentagon, they were trying to find an acronym that spelled out, you know, ‘Mosquito,’ or something, but I figured just get to the point. Okay, second prong of the approach: outlawing standing pools of water. Third: a series of ads promoting awareness and blind, seething, knee-jerk hatred of mosquitoes.
S: Sir, would this have anything to do with the camping trip you went on this weekend?
PM: I resent that. This is about America. And the future. And liberty. (scratches) Anyway, fourth, we’ll recommending that anyone going into the wilderness take a flame-thrower with them.
F: Oh. My God.
S: Doesn’t that seem… insane?
PM: Well, obviously, we’ll be encouraging people to be careful. We’re even working on a series of billboards. Toby, do we have some of those mock-ups? Yeah, see, here’s ‘Drink responsibly when flame-throwing;’ ‘Always flame-throw away from family members;’ ‘It only takes a second for flame-thrower fights to go from awesome to tragic’… stuff like that. We’re working on a mascot. I recommended Susie Salmon – you know, fish, mosquitoes – but then someone told me that’s the name of the narrator/murder victim in the book The Lovely Bones, so…
S: And salmon don’t eat mosquitoes.
PM: Okay, thank you, Samantha. It was a bad idea. I get it. Sue me.
B: Won’t flame-throwers start, um, incredible numbers of fires?
PM: Stop being so self-centered, Bill! Jesus, think of the children! Sure, a substantial percentage of the forests will burn down, but then they’ll grow back, refreshed, circle of life, and this time, mosquito free! Don’t you want your children – well, probably grandchildren – to enjoy clean, refreshed, mosquito-free forests? Don’t you?
F: How will all this get paid for?
PM: Hm? Oh, I don’t know. Probably get rid of the War on Drugs. That thing’s been a wash.
F: And how will you deal with the drug problem?
PM: Whatever, maybe just legalize them.
B: I’m sorry, did you just say you’re going to legalize narcotics?
PM: Maybe, I don’t know, probably… can we stay on topic here? We’re not here to talk about whether or not I’m going to completely upend our national drug policies. We’re here to talk about mosquitoes – spreaders of disease, makers of children to cry.
S: What about all the animals that eat mosquitoes?
PM: Well, they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job, aren’t they. Either they start pulling their own weight, or they find something new to eat. Now, if you’ll all turn your attention to the screen, we’ll show you the first in a series of public service TV commercials. This one’s called “Mosquitoes and the Banking Crisis: How They’re Connected”…