Press Conference Excerpt From When I Am President: #4

July 11, 2011


President Me: … Really, I think anyone in this room would be hard pressed to name a group more insidious, more panic inducing.  A group that brings, at best, irritation and, at worst, destruction.  They offer nothing.  Take everything – bleeding us.  I take on this challenge with a heavy heart, but I take it on for the sake of America, for the sake of the children, for the sake of freedom.  I’ll now take your questions.

Bill: (sighs)

Samantha: This doesn’t seem…?  I mean, aren’t there more important…?  Okay, let’s see, you’ve decided to create national War on –

PM: War on Mosquitoes, yes.

S: War on Mosquitoes with the intention of… what?

Uncle Sam hates the mosquitoes, shouldn't you?

PM: Well, wiping them out, obviously.

S: Isn’t that, frankly, absurd?

PM: Well, first, typical liberal media bias, showing sympathy toward the mosquitoes.  Second, I think you have to admit, on the roster of “War On’s” this country has declared, this one is by far the most realistic.

S: I suppose mosquitoes can carry malaria and plague…

PM: Can they?  Oh, well, see?  There you go.

Frank: And this ‘War’ involves what?

PM: It’s a multi-pronged approach.  First, committing a portion of our military and national guard – say, oh, 80% of it – to battling these monsters.  We’ll create special forces trained to understand mosquito psychology, to research more effective repellents, and to track them down where they live.  Minnesota?  You’re about to get real crowded.  This will all happen under the umbrella of Operation: GLFD.

F: Which stands for…?

PM: “God-damned Little Fuckers, Die.”  The folks at the Pentagon, they were trying to find an acronym that spelled out, you know, ‘Mosquito,’ or something, but I figured just get to the point.  Okay, second prong of the approach: outlawing standing pools of water.  Third: a series of ads promoting awareness and blind, seething, knee-jerk hatred of mosquitoes.

S: Sir, would this have anything to do with the camping trip you went on this weekend?

PM: I resent that. This is about America.  And the future.  And liberty.  (scratches)  Anyway, fourth, we’ll recommending that anyone going into the wilderness take a flame-thrower with them.

F: Oh.  My God.

B: Flame-thrower?

S: Doesn’t that seem… insane?

Hooray! The family reunion is saved!

PM: Well, obviously, we’ll be encouraging people to be careful.  We’re even working on a series of billboards. Toby, do we have some of those mock-ups?  Yeah, see, here’s ‘Drink responsibly when flame-throwing;’ ‘Always flame-throw away from family members;’ ‘It only takes a second for flame-thrower fights to go from awesome to tragic’… stuff like that.  We’re working on a mascot.  I recommended Susie Salmon – you know, fish, mosquitoes – but then someone told me that’s the name of the narrator/murder victim in the book The Lovely Bones, so…

S: And salmon don’t eat mosquitoes.

PM: Okay, thank you, Samantha.  It was a bad idea.  I get it.  Sue me.

B: Won’t flame-throwers start, um, incredible numbers of fires?

PM: Stop being so self-centered, Bill!  Jesus, think of the children!  Sure, a substantial percentage of the forests will burn down, but then they’ll grow back, refreshed, circle of life, and this time, mosquito free!  Don’t you want your children – well, probably grandchildren – to enjoy clean, refreshed, mosquito-free forests?  Don’t you?

F: How will all this get paid for?

PM: Hm?  Oh, I don’t know.  Probably get rid of the War on Drugs.  That thing’s been a wash.

F: And how will you deal with the drug problem?

Look, mama! I drew daddy unprepared for a mosquito attack! Why didn't daddy get a flame-thrower, mama?

PM: Whatever, maybe just legalize them.


B: I’m sorry, did you just say you’re going to legalize narcotics?

PM: Maybe, I don’t know, probably… can we stay on topic here?  We’re not here to talk about whether or not I’m going to completely upend our national drug policies.  We’re here to talk about mosquitoes – spreaders of disease, makers of children to cry.

S: What about all the animals that eat mosquitoes?

PM: Well, they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job, aren’t they.  Either they start pulling their own weight, or they find something new to eat.  Now, if you’ll all turn your attention to the screen, we’ll show you the first in a series of public service TV commercials.  This one’s called “Mosquitoes and the Banking Crisis: How They’re Connected”…

, ,

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

View all posts by The Byronic Man


Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.

9 Comments on “Press Conference Excerpt From When I Am President: #4”

  1. Walter Says:

    What about mosquitos that were born here but whose parents are illegal? Can’t you just send the whole family packing? I would try that first and then continue with the bloodshed…or Deet carpet bombing.


  2. Margie Says:

    I’m a bit concerned that your War on Mosquitoes will force the little blighters to move to Canada, were we already have more than we need. You could ask the Canadian Government to join you in this war, but you just know what our Prime Minister will say to that…


    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I’m already figuring Phase II will be the hysterical fear and xenophobia in which we blame the problem on Canada’s mosquito training camps. Then we’ll shine the beacon of The United States’ brand of democracy upon you. By which I mean, of course, “man, you guys sure have got a lot of timber, oil and fresh water up there…”


  3. Remediator Says:

    All good so far, Mr. President, but what about the real problem — spiders. These are not only more deadly, but also much scarier looking — and reportedly have been living inside American’s houses!


  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    But how will my kids get their daily DEET fix now? You mean they’ll have to go outside and inhale fresh air?


  5. keepmymemory Says:

    You would make the best president, ever. If it ever happens, I’m moving to the U.S! Operation: GLFD must commence at once. In fact, once all of the little fuckers are eliminated in America, you should move on to Europe and the rest of the world 😀


  6. Blogdramedy Says:

    I see the makers of OFF fully funding your re-election campaign. You may smell a bit funny but you’re so good looking…good thing people vote with their eyes and not their noses.


Every Time You Leave A Comment, An Angel Gets Its Wings.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: