Press Conference Excerpt From When I Am President, #3

Bill: How do you respond to allegations that you have exceeded –

Terry: Grossly exceeded.

Bill – yes, grossly, massively exceeded your authority?

President Me: That depends what you’re referring to.  Can you be more specific?

Bill: Suspending the Congress?

PM: Oh that, sure.  Okay, but I didn’t suspend them, see?  You media people; the sky’s always falling.  I simply had them all locked in the congressional chambers.  They’re working, they just have no impact.

Terry: Doesn’t that seem, I don’t know, barbaric?

PM: Nah, they’re happy as clams. Making speeches, getting paid.  I know there was some movement to debate about making a resolution saying I should unbar the doors, but I think it’s stuck in committee.  Something about a rider to build a tollbooth or something.  See, I just needed a break from their blah blah blahing.  Think of it more like a time-out.  And don’t tell me you haven’t thought of it too.

Terry: But doesn’t that make you a dictator?

PM: Nothing could be further from the truth.  The last thing anyone wants is for me to have absolute, power – to become king. (pause) No, no, definitely; that wouldn’t be a positive step.  Okay, dictators put themselves above the law, I am only above eight of them.  Dictators also usually wear comical military uniforms covered in absurdly colorful ribbons and buttons, while I am wearing normal, human clothes.  See?  Apples and oranges.

Bill: And what do you say to those who accuse you of destroying our fundamental system of checks and balances?

See? They're fine!

PM: I think we can all agree that wasn’t working out so well.  Checks and balances, man, everything’s such a hassle.  Moving icebergs.

Terry: You’re referring to passage of health care reform and the new education bill

PM: Kind of.  Those are a hassle too, but the thing that finally tipped me over the edge was their nitpicking of the FDTTA.

Terry: “The Federal Department of Things—“

PM: “That are Awesome.”  Exactly.  It was all ‘who are you to decide’ this and ‘first amendment’ that and ‘international incident’ the other thing.  What they were ignoring was that through my plan of relocating commercial and creative artists I like and forcing them to create new material, there’d be way more awesome things!  Seriously, who doesn’t want more episodes of Firefly?

(pause)

Nobody, that's who.

Bill: Um, ‘international incident’?

PM: Oh, ha, yes.  That.  At first I was concerned about sending the Army Rangers in to England and Wales to abduct Jasper Fforde and the entire cast & crew of Life on Mars, but then it occurred to me, hey, the British like awesome things, too, right?  Right.

Terry: You sent the military into a foreign country—

PM: Seriously, what’s up with British TV shows?  Two seasons?  Three-act dramatic structure, three seasons.  How obvious is that?

Terry: Sir, are you seriously saying you sent the Army—

PM: I’m not saying they should drag everything like American TV, I’m just saying… anyway, I’m getting off track.  The point is, less partisan bickering, more awesome things.  That’s my vision.  Next question?

(stunned silence)