When You Have A Nemesis, Words Like “Shan’t” Becomes Necessary

March 1, 2011

Humor

I have decided that I need a nemesis.  An arch-enemy.

There are people who don’t like me, of course (Crazy people.  I’m delightful.), but how banal.  How common.  And – most crucially – utterly useless for using as the source for all your misfortunes.  But a nemesis…now that’s interesting.  Car breaks down?  Sure, you’ve skipped the last nine consecutive scheduled maintenances, but more likely?  Nemesis!  Sabotage!  “Damn you, _________, you nearly got me this time!”  Out of carrots?  “So, _____________, think you can ruin my vision?  Kill me slowly by depriving me of fiber?  I’m on to your game.”

But I knew where to find more carrots! Victory is mine!!

Unfortunately, there aren’t very many good candidates.  For starters I don’t know anyone with a good nemesis name.  Not a lot of Moriarty’s in my book club.  Shockingly few Blofeld’s or billionaire’s obsessed with global control where I buy groceries.  It just doesn’t work to say, “So, Mark, we meet again…” or “So sorry to disappoint you, but your nefarious scheme has failed, Ron!”  I used to know someone with the last name of Deathrage, but if you’re arch-enemy’s going to be Death Rage, you’d better be a superhero, and I don’t have the calves for tights.

At this point I’m thinking I may need to pick someone at random.  Someone in the phone book.  Call him up periodically.

“Well, Anderson, you win this round, you fiendish bastard.”

“Who is this?  Why do you keep calling me?”

“I don’t know how you managed to make my keys disappear again, but I shan’t give up!”

Ernst, from the produce Co-op.

“What?  Keys?”

It’s going to be great.  Plus, the universe will make a lot more sense.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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12 Comments on “When You Have A Nemesis, Words Like “Shan’t” Becomes Necessary”

  1. Barton Clements Says:

    I have been trying to find an anagram for carcinoma, but nothing nefarious enough so far. I’ll keep trying.

    Reply

  2. Charlotte Says:

    I feel it is important, when choosing a nemesis, to identify someone with an unusual, even exotic-sounding name. Would ‘Moriarty’ have as much impact as an arch-enemy if his name had been ‘Jones’? Try something beginning with Z. That letter has a touch of the evil about it.

    Reply

  3. pinkunderbelly Says:

    “Crazy people. I’m delightful” had me laughing out loud. Now I’m looking for a nemesis. There’s gotta be one around her somewhere.

    Reply

  4. Brian Laughman Says:

    I don’t know, it seems to me that just about any name can sound diabolical when you left your head, raise your fist, and scream it at the sky. If you get enough growl in your voice, even John Smith can sound menacing, but like most things, the more syllables, the better.

    Reply

  5. Diana Probst Says:

    Have you considered having a nemesis pal, where two people share each other’s down time by injecting their carrots with tiny microbes, and moving one of their shoes? I am perfectly willing to lend my name to being a nemesis, although it might have too few vowels for your purpose.

    Reply

  6. Walter Says:

    I have a few nemesis’sss but the worst is named Greco. I call him The Greco, or Dread Disco Art Man. I will loan him out to you so you can pick up your violin and shoot up before Watson arrives.

    Reply

  7. theamberlight Says:

    Your name backwards can make a good sounding nemisi. “Rebma” sounds like she is a force to be reckoned with (Amber backwards) so you would be Noryb….ooohhhh, troublemaker! LOL Love this post too!!!

    Reply

  8. MegsFitness Says:

    Okay, I laughed out loud at this one rather than just in my head. And then I sing-songed (also out loud) “That’s hiLArious~” and promptly linked it to my co-worker. It was “Ernst from the co-op” that did it for me ;D

    Reply

  9. Nonstepmom Says:

    Oh! Don’t forget you need a mysterious accent.

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Very Byronic Anniversary | The Byronic Man - November 22, 2011

    […] from those two featured posts hands down my most popular post is one about wanting to find a nemesis, and I’ve never totally understood why.  I’m happy it’s popular, but it’s a really short […]

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