Cry Havoc! and Unleash The Inner Andy Rooney!

February 9, 2011


So the cold is all better, thanks for asking, and it has brought me to another realization on the absurdity of our bodies, if you’ll pardon the continuation of the theme, and a serious unleashing of my inner Andy Rooney.  The realization is this: the aging process, not to put too fine a point on it dear reader, is totally fucked in the head.

This conclusion arrives in myriad form, but today in this capacity:  I get knocked out for a week, and don’t exercise.  One week, and I put on a little weight.  I’m not that concerned about it, but seriously?  One week?  Okay, sure, I was probably eating several thousand calories a day in cough drops, but my point still stands.  Once upon a time, this would have been markedly less the case.  Nothing unusual there – but that’s my point.  What the hell?

So the body regenerates cells, right?  New ones replace old ones throughout the body.  Every few months (years?  Something) we’re a completely new person – it’s all very Deepak Chopra.  Yet the cells seem to suddenly get burned out or something; regenerate in some half-assed, “good enough” way.  Hey, skin’s getting’ saggy.  Whatev.  It’s skin, ain’t it?  Shouldn’t you take care of those bags under the eyes?  Psh, they’ll just come back.  Besides, if the dudes working the insides of the eyes keep at it the way they are, he won’t be able to tell the difference.

Are our cells going through some kind of latent adolescence?

Why would cells replicate and replace themselves in an inferior way – and more specifically, why would they work really well, then stop doing so?  It’s not replication if it’s inferior!  They’re new cells, right?  So they should replicate like new cells!  It’s just logical!  IT’S JUST LOGICAL!  Shouldn’t we be writing to someone about this?  Get the Pope in the horn!  I feel like Kevin McCarthy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  “Can’t you see what’s happening??!!”

You're next! You're next!

And to the metabolism – and I don’t mean to gripe, I’ve certainly been pretty lucky on the metabolism front, but it’s the decay I don’t get.  Once upon a time it was like, “Would you like another piece of pie?”  “A third piece?  I don’t know, it’s going to go straight to my biceps.”  Now?  I’m attributing weight gain to cough drops.   Jesus.

Okay, inner Andy Rooney is re-leashed.  I feel better.  I’m going to go do some bench presses on the treadmill.


About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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2 Comments on “Cry Havoc! and Unleash The Inner Andy Rooney!”

  1. Barton Clements Says:

    So, finally it begins to dawn on you what your poor father has been dealing with for lo, these many years. I do have empathy for your realization. It’s not fun at all. The replication continues to some zero point of regression until one finds oneself saying, “Okay! Enough already!” But, you’ll always have “Mucous Man.”


  2. Walter Says:

    I just had my eyes checked for the first time and the doctor told me that the problem with my eyes were that they were getting old. Nice. Ah the aging process..I laugh at you sciatica!


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