Whoooaa, now! Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone? That’s just mean! And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought? And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to this Fallon fellow? Are you both sure you haven’t overlooked someone? Someone the public might not expect, that would really shake things up? Say, a handsome humor blogger? No, not The Good Greatsby; another handsome humor blogger! Sheesh.
I think you might want to just take a step back, major networks, and think about all the reasons you should, please, hire me to be your late night talk show host.
I would have – get ready for this – a band. The band would have a charismatic lead with whom I’d trade witty jabs periodically.
I’m an amazing interviewer. “So, I hear you and ____________ got up to some pretty crazy antics on set!” *Pause for mildly amusing story about a prank* “Ha ha ha ha ha! Sounds like you guys had a great time making this film!” *pause while actor declares that the cast and crew were “like a family.”*
When a star describes his co-stars and the crew as “like a family” I will – thanks to extensive training in self-discipline – smile and nod, instead of saying, “Bull. Shit. You would kill them in front of their moms if you thought it’d get you a percentage of the gross take on this film.”
Poor Paul Rudd. Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd…
Poor Paul Rudd doesn’t even know he and I are supposed to be best friends. I would have him on every night until we’re pals, and you’d be helping quiet that whispering void that, I’m confident, wakes him in the night.
If news comes on before me, I would make them only do happy stories, so people are in a good mood when the show starts. Stories that end with “and the dog was returned safely to his owner” or “sign-ups continue through Saturday” or “and there was never a problem on the Gaza Strip again.”
When an actor mentions that he has a new film coming out, I will try not to look hurt that that they’re shilling a product, and didn’t just stop by to say hi.
“You tripped over your dress?? out-RAGE-ous!!”
I’ve never been particularly good at laughing at things that aren’t funny, so I will hire someone who is to laugh at my guests’ stories when they’re not actually funny. You know, most of them.
I will make the show commercial-free by subtly plugging products during the interviews. “I listened to your new album in my Honda Accord with slide-correction last night. Boy, that album sounds better than the satisfying crunch you get from Doritos! Doritos: Snack Up. Did you enjoy working with Rick Rubin?”
I would do a Top Eleven. It’s one funnier.
The Byronic Man 
April 14, 2014 at 6:30 am
Yes, we have been denied. The Byronic Man should have been at least in the top 3 choices for Letterman’s replacement. Craig Ferguson should also have been there. I don’t care who the 3rd person is as it will always be a draw between you and Craig as far as I am concerned. It would have been fun to have six months of back and forth between the two of you before they announced the winner.
April 14, 2014 at 12:01 pm
Ferguson would have me licked on the cool accent front, as well as all of the other talk show host fronts, but I think we’d be a good team.
April 14, 2014 at 6:51 am
I don’t even watch late night talk shows, but if they hired you, I would. And I don’t have a TV either, so that’ll be a pretty neat trick.
April 14, 2014 at 12:02 pm
I don’t either, actually. If I’m up, it’s not generally because I’m watching TV…
April 14, 2014 at 7:29 am
Just show up, sit behind the desk, and start talking.
April 14, 2014 at 1:50 pm
That sounds like a lot of jobs I can think of…
April 14, 2014 at 7:35 am
You had me at Paul Rudd. Well, actually, way before that, but Paul Rudd sealed the deal. #CancelColbertEvenThoughILoveHim #HireByronicMan
April 14, 2014 at 1:50 pm
Paul Rudd thanks you in advance.
April 14, 2014 at 8:20 am
Reblogged this on The Writer Monkey.
April 14, 2014 at 9:24 am
I don’t get it – you should be a shoe in with all those awesome ideas – particularly the Paul Rudd one (I agree with Hippie Cahier on that one). Shame on those network stations. Shame. I hope they rethink their decisions. 🙂
April 14, 2014 at 1:51 pm
Well, sometimes networks rush in to things without thinking. Or by thinking very, very badly.
April 14, 2014 at 9:43 am
You were robbed. But there’s always ABC…
April 14, 2014 at 1:52 pm
Hey, yeah. How come they don’t have one? Do they figure there’s no room?
April 15, 2014 at 4:35 am
Good point, Elyse. Why don’t they have a show? This is blowing my mind.
April 15, 2014 at 4:36 am
Apparently there are no bloggers at ABC. Otherwise the B-man would be a shoe in.
April 15, 2014 at 2:14 pm
Naturally.
April 15, 2014 at 2:22 pm
Although, you might not want to. ABC just hired Laura Ingraham.
April 14, 2014 at 10:24 am
You’re hired. All you need to do is dig up Ed McMahon (or a live approximation) to provide your laugh-at-non-funny-jokes sidekick.
April 14, 2014 at 11:36 am
Heeeeerrrrrreeee’s B-man! 🙂
April 15, 2014 at 2:22 pm
Hm, I like to think I’m edgy, but I’d have to go with the live-equivalent.
April 14, 2014 at 1:50 pm
Please let your first question of Mr. Rudd be “So, are you ever going to do a movie where you play anyone other than Paul Rudd?”
April 15, 2014 at 2:22 pm
There will be no bad-mouthing my best friend, Paul!!! Even if it IS a fair point!!
April 15, 2014 at 2:49 pm
No problem. You might want to consider avoiding having Paul and I as guests on the same evening of your show. That shouldn’t be an issue, since it doesn’t make sense to book two handsome, quirky male movie stars for the same night. I’d suggest pairing Mr. Rudd with a female musician, or perhaps some animal handler from the San Diego Zoo.
April 14, 2014 at 4:05 pm
Bet you could take down Paul Rudd in a lip-sync battle. B-Man, do you sing?
April 15, 2014 at 4:31 am
A lip sync battle between Paul Rudd and B-man? I’d pay big bucks to see that.
April 15, 2014 at 7:43 am
So would I! Maybe B-Man could do a video of “Don’t Stop Me Now” and splice in scenes with Paul Rudd singing the same. (hint, hint, B-Man) Hahahahahaha!
April 15, 2014 at 2:21 pm
Oh, I’d take Rudd down. I’d probably go with lip-synching to “Come Sail Away” by Styx, ramp things up to the outrageous with “Can I Play With Madness” by Iron Maiden, and then “The Winner Takes It All” by Abba, to really get people where they live.
April 14, 2014 at 5:00 pm
I vote yes. And my vote carries a lot of weight, especially since I haven’t stayed awake long enough to watch late-night television in about eight years. You’re in.
April 15, 2014 at 2:17 pm
Yeah, people who watch late, late shows, I just think, “Our lives have gone in very different directions.”
April 14, 2014 at 5:06 pm
You can do a Conan-inspired bit where you have a conversation with Sexy Stalin, who has haphazardly super-imposed lips.
April 15, 2014 at 2:17 pm
That’s a great/disturbing idea. I’ll take it!
April 15, 2014 at 4:34 am
Of course you’d make the perfect late night talk show host! You could do little sketches with various stuffed animals and make them talk with funny voices. You could have me as your side kick. I’m very good at laughing uproariously or politely chuckling or saying things like “Sure, whatever you say boss!” just like Andy Richter.
April 15, 2014 at 2:16 pm
Sounds like a plan! We’ll start working on your catch-phrase.
April 15, 2014 at 8:15 am
I think you should get a laugh track button, hidden somewhere under your desk, that you can hit when they tell one of those PR-approved “funny” stories. After you hit it, just stare at them, stone-faced. See if they ever tell THAT one again.
April 15, 2014 at 2:23 pm
I did a comedy gig once where someone was taping it to broadcast later, and there was no audience, so some guy would hit the “laughter” button on his synthesizer after each joke. It was torture. I told him to knock it off, and he thought I was kidding and hit the laugh button.
April 15, 2014 at 9:49 pm
As I started reading, I was thinking, “hey, I’m also a handsome blogger who can do a list of 10!”. But you can do a Top Eleven, and I can’t top that. Also, I’ll tend to make the interviews about inserting my own snarky remarks – sort of like I did in the beginning of the comment.
April 26, 2014 at 2:30 pm
That could make a great sketch, though – the host who’s only interested in plugging themselves.
Guest: “So my new movie comes out this week–”
Host: “Yeah, I saw it! It reminds me of the movie I was in a few years ago! Here’s a clip of my movie!”
April 19, 2014 at 12:19 am
I would risk making horrendous mistakes at work (and possibly putting lives at risk) because I was so tired after staying up late to watch you host a late night talk show!
April 26, 2014 at 2:30 pm
I have young kids, so my late night talk show would be on at 8:15.
April 19, 2014 at 6:26 am
Poor Paul Rudd is the most under-appreciated man in show business. He is a genius and his genius lies in his subtlety. Colbert is also a genius but definitely not in a subtle way.
April 26, 2014 at 2:32 pm
Colbert is a pretty impressive talent – unfortunately, I think this new gig will showcase those talents a lot, lot, lot less.
April 20, 2014 at 3:12 pm
Wait. Does this mean Johnny Carson is dead?
April 26, 2014 at 2:31 pm
In more ways than one, my friend.
April 21, 2014 at 7:56 am
Yeah, the old guard in late night is changing. I feel old. Mostly because I can’t stay awake to watch these late-night talk shows so I won’t even miss Letterman or Leno. How sad is that?
April 26, 2014 at 2:32 pm
I can’t remember the last time I actually watched one of these shows. If I’m up that late – which is rare – I’m not wasting it on TV, that’s for sure.