Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host

April 14, 2014

Please Hire Me...

Whoooaa, now!  Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone?  That’s just mean!  And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?  And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to this Fallon fellow? Are you both sure you haven’t overlooked someone? Someone the public might not expect, that would really shake things up?  Say, a handsome humor blogger?  No, not The Good Greatsby; another handsome humor blogger! Sheesh.

I think you might want to just take a step back, major networks, and think about all the reasons you should, please, hire me to be your late night talk show host.

I would have – get ready for this – a band. The band would have a charismatic lead with whom I’d trade witty jabs periodically.

I’m an amazing interviewer.  “So, I hear you and ____________ got up to some pretty crazy antics on set!” *Pause for mildly amusing story about a prank* “Ha ha ha ha ha!  Sounds like you guys had a great time making this film!” *pause while actor declares that the cast and crew were “like a family.”*

When a star describes his co-stars and the crew as “like a family” I will – thanks to extensive training in self-discipline – smile and nod, instead of saying, “Bull. Shit.  You would kill them in front of their moms if you thought it’d get you a percentage of the gross take on this film.”

Poor Paul Rudd.  Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd...

Poor Paul Rudd. Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd…

Poor Paul Rudd doesn’t even know he and I are supposed to be best friends.  I would have him on every night until we’re pals, and you’d be helping quiet that whispering void that, I’m confident, wakes him in the night.

If news comes on before me, I would make them only do happy stories, so people are in a good mood when the show starts.  Stories that end with “and the dog was returned safely to his owner” or “sign-ups continue through Saturday” or “and there was never a problem on the Gaza Strip again.”

When an actor mentions that he has a new film coming out, I will try not to look hurt that that they’re shilling a product, and didn’t just stop by to say hi.

"You tripped over  your dress?? out-RAGE-ous!!"

“You tripped over your dress?? out-RAGE-ous!!”

I’ve never been particularly good at laughing at things that aren’t funny, so I will hire someone who is to laugh at my guests’ stories when they’re not actually funny. You know, most of them.

I will make the show commercial-free by subtly plugging products during the interviews.  “I listened to your new album in my Honda Accord with slide-correction last night.  Boy, that album sounds better than the satisfying crunch you get from Doritos!  Doritos: Snack Up.  Did you enjoy working with Rick Rubin?”

I would do a Top Eleven.  It’s one funnier.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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45 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host”

  1. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Yes, we have been denied. The Byronic Man should have been at least in the top 3 choices for Letterman’s replacement. Craig Ferguson should also have been there. I don’t care who the 3rd person is as it will always be a draw between you and Craig as far as I am concerned. It would have been fun to have six months of back and forth between the two of you before they announced the winner.

    Reply

  2. Michael Says:

    I don’t even watch late night talk shows, but if they hired you, I would. And I don’t have a TV either, so that’ll be a pretty neat trick.

    Reply

  3. The Philosophunculist Says:

    Just show up, sit behind the desk, and start talking.

    Reply

  4. Hippie Cahier Says:

    You had me at Paul Rudd. Well, actually, way before that, but Paul Rudd sealed the deal. #CancelColbertEvenThoughILoveHim #HireByronicMan

    Reply

  5. stormy1812 Says:

    I don’t get it – you should be a shoe in with all those awesome ideas – particularly the Paul Rudd one (I agree with Hippie Cahier on that one). Shame on those network stations. Shame. I hope they rethink their decisions. :)

    Reply

  6. Elyse Says:

    You were robbed. But there’s always ABC…

    Reply

  7. pegoleg Says:

    You’re hired. All you need to do is dig up Ed McMahon (or a live approximation) to provide your laugh-at-non-funny-jokes sidekick.

    Reply

  8. 1pointperspective Says:

    Please let your first question of Mr. Rudd be “So, are you ever going to do a movie where you play anyone other than Paul Rudd?”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There will be no bad-mouthing my best friend, Paul!!! Even if it IS a fair point!!

      Reply

      • 1pointperspective Says:

        No problem. You might want to consider avoiding having Paul and I as guests on the same evening of your show. That shouldn’t be an issue, since it doesn’t make sense to book two handsome, quirky male movie stars for the same night. I’d suggest pairing Mr. Rudd with a female musician, or perhaps some animal handler from the San Diego Zoo.

        Reply

  9. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Bet you could take down Paul Rudd in a lip-sync battle. B-Man, do you sing?

    Reply

  10. becomingcliche Says:

    I vote yes. And my vote carries a lot of weight, especially since I haven’t stayed awake long enough to watch late-night television in about eight years. You’re in.

    Reply

  11. Bill Carson Says:

    You can do a Conan-inspired bit where you have a conversation with Sexy Stalin, who has haphazardly super-imposed lips.

    Reply

  12. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Of course you’d make the perfect late night talk show host! You could do little sketches with various stuffed animals and make them talk with funny voices. You could have me as your side kick. I’m very good at laughing uproariously or politely chuckling or saying things like “Sure, whatever you say boss!” just like Andy Richter.

    Reply

  13. Go Jules Go Says:

    I think you should get a laugh track button, hidden somewhere under your desk, that you can hit when they tell one of those PR-approved “funny” stories. After you hit it, just stare at them, stone-faced. See if they ever tell THAT one again.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I did a comedy gig once where someone was taping it to broadcast later, and there was no audience, so some guy would hit the “laughter” button on his synthesizer after each joke. It was torture. I told him to knock it off, and he thought I was kidding and hit the laugh button.

      Reply

  14. List of X Says:

    As I started reading, I was thinking, “hey, I’m also a handsome blogger who can do a list of 10!”. But you can do a Top Eleven, and I can’t top that. Also, I’ll tend to make the interviews about inserting my own snarky remarks – sort of like I did in the beginning of the comment.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That could make a great sketch, though – the host who’s only interested in plugging themselves.
      Guest: “So my new movie comes out this week–”
      Host: “Yeah, I saw it! It reminds me of the movie I was in a few years ago! Here’s a clip of my movie!”

      Reply

  15. Angie Pantazi Says:

    I would risk making horrendous mistakes at work (and possibly putting lives at risk) because I was so tired after staying up late to watch you host a late night talk show!

    Reply

  16. Scott Oglesby Humor Writer Says:

    Poor Paul Rudd is the most under-appreciated man in show business. He is a genius and his genius lies in his subtlety. Colbert is also a genius but definitely not in a subtle way.

    Reply

  17. pithypants Says:

    Wait. Does this mean Johnny Carson is dead?

    Reply

  18. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Yeah, the old guard in late night is changing. I feel old. Mostly because I can’t stay awake to watch these late-night talk shows so I won’t even miss Letterman or Leno. How sad is that?

    Reply

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