I Have A Couple Teeny Concerns About The Idea Of Arming Teachers

April 3, 2023


In the wake of yet another horrific school shooting, the idea has re-emerged that the solution is to arm teachers. Obviously, this is a rational, logical plan with very few potential downsides. And not to nitpick but, as a teacher, I do have a couple areas I’m unclear on:

Do I have to pay for my gun or will the district provide me one?

Do I get to select my gun or will this be a “lowest bidder” thing?

Am I responsible for cleaning and maintaining the weapon, or will, like, the custodians do that while they sweep?

Will I be trained how to use the weapon? Will it be combat training or just target shooting? Or maybe just skeet shooting, but instead of “Pull!!” they can yell “Armed intruder or maybe frightened child who can say!!” Or maybe just a DVD of “John Wick 2” would be simpler?

Will I receive a stipend for agreeing to engage in armed combat, or is it extra duty, like assembly monitoring?

Will my administrator observe me and give feedback phrased as “appreciations and wonderings”?

What’s my liability if I miss the target or, in the terror and chaos, misread the threat and shoot an innocent child?

Will counseling be provided for the psychological damage incurred?

Since the shooter will certainly have an AR-15, will I have a fully automatic weapon so I have superior firepower? Maybe a bazooka? Or do I need to go against an assault rifle with a handgun?

If I’m shot by the intruder but survive, will I have to take unpaid medical leave unless I have the optional short-term disability insurance?

Will there be combat training to coordinate with the other armed teachers to avoid the inevitable cross-fire?

What’s my liability if a student steals my gun? Sorry, “when”

But that’s all.

Oh wait, one more: What the hell is wrong with us?

Deadly weapons given to educators by people who think shooting a deer and shooting an armed human being is the same thing makes sense no matter how you look at it!

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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One Comment on “I Have A Couple Teeny Concerns About The Idea Of Arming Teachers”

  1. Lynn Clements Says:

    Oh, B-man.
    This is a tragedy in the making.
    That’s all.


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