A Reflection on my 50th Birthday

July 9, 2020

Humor

There is a peace that comes from beginning to see 
closed doors as 
resolution, instead of loss. 
And in the happiness at what is, 
Instead of the fury at what is not. 

And it isn’t that time seems short, but rather 
It has become tangible. Like you could 
Reach out 
And 
Touch it, if only 
you could find 
Your god damn glasses. 

Because apparently your eyes are basically garnish at this point. 

And as you see each day as a moment 
Perfect in its way, 
And discover that, oh hey, something new hurts, 
There’s a FUCKING SHOCKER. 
Let me guess, I did something ill-advised like wake up without properly stretching first?  
What 
the fuck?  
Oh yep, ankle’s frozen, too. Must not have done the 
RUBIK’S CUBE OF STRETCHES NEEDED TO GET THAT JOINT MOVING. 
Sure glad I “pushed through the pain” when I rolled it in 1997!! 

I mean seriously, when they said “life is pain” I thought it was existential; not, like, “everything from the waist down is bursitis and knots” 

Oh, what? What’s that, person in your 20s?  
You make your own homeopathic medicine from essential oils and 
Want me to try them?  
Wow, that’s super cool and I’d surely love to hear more about your tinctures 
But I have to re-up my Costco membership because I’m almost out of Advil! 

The apparent biological key to my continued survival is strategically placed reserves of pudge and body hair! 
I’m banging on the door of Club Middle-Age and the password is “sciatic nerve”! 

Oh god. 
Oh, god, I’m going to die someday.  
I’m going to die someday 
I’M GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY 

Don’t you fucking smile at me, people in your 60s and 70s.  
Don’t you smile at me with your 
“Wisdom,” and your “We’ve all been there” and your “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet” 
This is DIFFERENT and you KNOW IT. 
This is DIFFERENT because 
THIS is happening TO ME!!!! 

Yeah! That’s right! 
I still operate like I’m the center of the universe! 
Suck it, Maturity and Perspective! 
Oh, but not like when I was younger and believed my journey was 
Somehow 
More important than others. 
Now I just HOPE it’s true so that 
When I DO die 
I take ALL OF YOU WITH ME!!! 

Ha ha ha! 
Whooooo!!! 
I had to put on my reading glasses to pluck my ear hair!! 
Yeah, every part of that experience makes you feel good! 

I’m sorry. 

Hm. Ah… 
What was I saying…? 

Probably something about wisdom? Probably? 
I mean 
I know the difference between bad whiskey and good now 

Allow me 
To demonstrate.

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

View all posts by The Byronic Man

Subscribe

Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.

17 Comments on “A Reflection on my 50th Birthday”

  1. angeliquejamail Says:

    Glad to see you’re posting again. 😉 (She said, lamenting how simply turning around, not even with a flourish or anything, caused her hip flexor to become so severely injured she cannot move without pain, because apparently, at this age, this is her life now.)

    Reply

  2. grannyK Says:

    Happy birthday! I can relate but at least I’m still waking up every morning so far.

    Reply

  3. stormy1812 Says:

    Oh how I’ve missed reading your posts lol; I struggle with birthdays and another one is coming up in less than a month…*sigh* so I almost literally felt this haha! I’ll be 39 so some of that doesn’t quite apply just yet (though working in a fulfillment facility for Amazon has sped up some of that process…oh such aches and pains!) Anyway….happy birthday! Hope something good comes from it. 🙂

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Really? Amazon facility – that’s got to be intense. You can apply the wisdom of Indiana Jones: “It ain’t the years, honey. It’s the mileage.”

      Reply

      • stormy1812 Says:

        Yeah this facility has been “bragging” so to speak about making 150 changes due to this virus to help protect us lol; translation…super crazy, intense and constant change (more than usual for them) and it’s been stressful but only acceptance works at this point lol; yes Indy has great advice 🙂

        Reply

  4. List of X Says:

    Oh, you know, age is just a number. Like a number of times you have to get up to go to the bathroom.
    Happy birthday, hope it takes you less than 50 years for the next post. 🙂

    Reply

  5. Shoes Says:

    Happy birthday! I bedaubed my bifocals and plowed through the pain caused by my plantar fasciitis in my excitement to get to get to my computer to read your post. Hope you are well (as well as can be expected at your age, that is) and that you can find it in yourself to blog a bit more for those of us who missed you.

    Reply

  6. Rebecca H. Says:

    Hey, I appreciate you sharing the PW with those of us behind you in line.

    Reply

  7. SilkPurseProductions Says:

    Turning 50 was amazing for me. the year that followed is still my favourite. I can’t imagine turning 50 this year. Let’s face it, any age young or old sucks this year. St. Patrick’s Day I sat at my computer dressed and ready to go out to celebrate my birthday like every year before with the best party ever thrown by random strangers. That’s when things shut down here. There was no celebration. No St. Patrick’s Day. I couldn’t even imagine! Of course I wouldn’t have imagined every thing that has followed since either.
    I do hope you were able to celebrate or mark the occasion somehow that was fun. Perhaps next year you can have a double celebration. Happy Birthday!

    Reply

  8. itsmayurremember Says:

    Happy 50th!

    I have missed this blog. It has been a while since you wrote right?

    Reply

Every Time You Leave A Comment, An Angel Gets Its Wings.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: