“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” – clause in standard rental agreements* Scenario 1: Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room. Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney cleaned once a year. Ceiling fan controls are over here.
Oh, sweetie, great job! I’ll bet almost no light or air will get in at all!
Woman: This is beautiful. Oh, honey, won’t those big windows look great with sheets of plywood nailed up over them? Landlord: Excuse me? Man: I was thinking the same thing! And this corner, I think, would be perfect for defecating in. Woman: Do you happen to know how many soiled mattresses and filthy sleeping bags will fit in the bedroom? Landlord: What? How should I—what exactly are you planning to do to this place? Man: Crack-house. Woman: I wanted an opium den but… Landlord: Whoa, whoa, whoa – check the rental agreement. Man: mumble mumble mumble subletting mumble mumble no illegal drugs?! Woman: Damn! Well, honey let’s move on. Landlord: Crisis? Averted.
*
Scenario 2: Renter: Well, this place looks just perfect! This second bedroom, with the good, old-fashioned thick walls? Love it. Landlord: Now, just so you know, there’s no illegal drugs allowed.
And hey, your apartment complex might get to be on TV!
*
Scenario 3:
Say hello to my Inferior Quality Rental Agreement!
*
Scenario 4: Landlord: Are you doing illegal drugs in here? Deadbeat Renter: No. Landlord: Really? Deadbeat Renter: No. Landlord: Really? Deadbeat Renter: … Yes. Landlord: A-ha! You’re out of here! Reverend, looks like we’ve got a place for those orphans, after all! Orphans: Yay!*
No, don’t thank me. Thank… The Rental Agreement.
The Byronic Man 
March 3, 2014 at 4:06 am
That’s too funny.
March 3, 2014 at 4:21 am
I imagine there are going to be some dilemmas in CO and WA now because those fiendish, insane, violent lot users can ignore those clauses…
March 3, 2014 at 4:28 am
On a semi-related topic; it’s interesting that we’re pushing to legalize marijuana with nearly the same zeal with which we’re outlawing smoking tobacco. This has got to put landlords in an awkward spot.
March 3, 2014 at 6:29 am
They can always put a clause in that says, “No smoking of any kind allowed but feel free to bake some brownies”.
March 3, 2014 at 6:33 am
Or “…no digging in the basement except by approved contractors”
March 3, 2014 at 6:28 am
As a renter, I can tell you I have seen some pretty weird rental agreements. I always want to say, “What kind of people did you have in here before?”
March 3, 2014 at 6:34 am
For a very short time we rented out a house. The very nice family turned into house and furniture trashing squatters from hell!
March 3, 2014 at 2:16 pm
Scenario 5 is the reason that clause was written into the standard rental agreement. To help people straighten out their lives. It’s been a resounding success on the level with Public Service Announcements sponsored by the Ad Council.
March 3, 2014 at 3:05 pm
I see I’ve lived quite a sheltered, military life. Holy crap.
March 3, 2014 at 4:23 pm
“yeah, well you didn’t” hahahaha
March 3, 2014 at 5:21 pm
I’m going to law school right now; in my first year property class I got to do a mock rental agreement. I don’t remember if we put in a clause about illegal drugs. Obviously we should have.
March 8, 2014 at 9:44 pm
Wasn’t this a re-post? Or are you messing with my head? Because it’s not a part of the standard rental agreement
March 8, 2014 at 9:46 pm
I meant the “messing with my head” – the illegal drugs was a part of my last rental agreement, too, and it was two or three pages……. Wait a minute….. Am I now repeating the comment I made on the original post???
March 8, 2014 at 9:48 pm
O.M.G. It was a repost, and my comment was pretty much a repost, too.
https://thebyronicman.com/2012/06/05/standard-contracts-the-thin-triplicate-line-between-society-and-chaos/
March 14, 2014 at 12:10 pm
Tenant: “Lemme show you how a cigarette can be a good 5-minute fuse for a bomb….”
Landlord: “Counterfeit tax stamp on that pack of smokes, You’re outta here.”
March 28, 2014 at 1:36 am
You have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award! Please follow the link to see the rules! http://zarinaqvi.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/spread-the-awards/
ENJOY!