What To Do When You Have $100K, But No Self-Esteem. Or Taste.

October 24, 2013


Recent news item: A 33-year-old Southern California man has had nearly $100,000 worth of plastic surgery on his face to make him look like pop star and train-wreck-waiting-to-happen Justin Beiber.


Better things you could do $100,000 worth of plastic surgery:

Get $50K of plastic surgery to look like Beiber, and save the other 50 to get changed back later, on the slight chance there comes a time you no longer idolize him.

518M37DXZFLGet your face in strips to look like the 5 members of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers on the Let Me Up, I’ve Had Enough album cover.

Have the plastic surgery done how you think Beiber will look in 20 years, then wait and see how close you were!

Have half your face made to look like Abbott, the other half like Costello, and do the “Who’s On First?” routine!  That’d be awesome!

Give the surgeon a real challenge.  Say you’ll pay $100k if he/she can make you look like Darth Vader, or Scooby-Doo, or The Kool-Aid Guy.

Make half your face John Travolta and half Nicolas Cage, and see how many people say, “Face/Off.  I get it.  Nice.”

Make sure the plastic surgeon is also a qualified psychologist and let him portion out the use of the money as he sees fit.

OH YEAH!!! Do you take Visa?

OH YEAH!!! Do you take Visa?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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29 Comments on “What To Do When You Have $100K, But No Self-Esteem. Or Taste.”

  1. Melanie Jo Moore Says:

    It’s stories like this that really reinforce the idea that our society is going straight to shit.


  2. JM Randolph Says:

    I can’t read this without wondering how much Carrot Top spent on his surgery, and what his goal was. I think he’d have been better off with the Kool-Aid dude.


  3. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    The other day I risked getting in trouble at work to click on the link about the Bieber story. I was aghast and appalled. He doesn’t really look like Bieber at all. He might look like he’s related to him. But he also looks like he’s related to Ariel in the Little Mermaid. It was just awful. Awful. And no one tries to talk these people out of these bad ideas!


  4. Charlene Woodley Says:

    Darth Vader on one side – Chubaka on the other would have been worth an FB ‘like’ from me, but oh well…


  5. Nagzilla Says:

    My question is, are you spending the $100K to look like Vader with the mask, or Vader UNDER the mask? Because if your goal is under the mask, I’m pretty sure just walking through a fire would be a lot cheaper and give you the same effect.


  6. The Cutter Says:

    Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid already looks like the Kool-Aid Man, and I don’t think it required plastic surgery.


  7. Aussa Lorens Says:

    Yick– this reminds me of Lindsey Lohan’s half sister who has had all that work done to look like her… Just creepy.


  8. Laura Says:

    Stories like this only make sense if the plan is to 1) get surgery to look like Justin Bieber, 2) take pictures of your Bieberized self committing a murder, or something, 3) have surgery to restore your previous face, and then 4) blackmail Justin Bieber for several million dollars.


  9. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Hey, it’s better than using that money to, say, put more money in the pockets of the liposuction lobby. Their coffers are puffy enough! There is a liposuction, lobby, right? There must be… 😉


  10. DiatribesAndOvations.com Says:

    Personally, I think 90%+ of people who get plastic surgery end up getting too much and looking foolish. There’s so much more class in “aging gracefully”.


  11. beck16 Says:

    I wonder if he will he be getting the same tattoos as well? I mean if he’s done this much, might as well go all out right?


  12. silkpurseproductions Says:

    I think the “who’s on first” face would be worth investigating. At least the joke is intentional with Abbot and Costello.


  13. lovefromtara Says:

    I saw conan talking about it the other night. super weird. but it did make me remember the woman who had surgery to look like barbie….


  14. calipatti Says:

    I just don’t have any understanding of this type of spending money. There is an underlying mental illness and most surgeons would not do that work.
    Curious how much pro bono work that surgeon does?


  15. PinotNinja Says:

    You know what’s truly amazing? That a movie as horrible as Face/Off can still find ways to make me laugh hysterically after all of these years.

    Well done, sir, well done.


  16. mid-life crisis Says:

    I think the key to all of this is your last line about putting money aside for some psychological help…but you need to spend if BEFORE the alteration.

    I think this guy has it backwards – celebrities should be getting facial reconstruction done to look like average guys like me. Then they wouldn’t have to hide in ridiculous costumes when they go out for a latte. In fact, they probably wouldn’t even get hit on in bars any more….hmmm.


  17. Elyse Says:

    I hope you can come up with a post offering similar advice to women who get boob jobs (except for folks who have had a masectomy, that makes sense).


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