Happitame! For temporary relief of minor symptoms associated with colds and fever. No more sneezing; watery, itchy eyes; no more congestion, or runny nose. Enjoy life again: with Happitame!
Dosage: Adults: Take 1 pill twice a day for relief from minor cold symptoms. Do not exceed 2 pills in a single day. Also, do not take fewer than 2 pills a day. If you should be unable to take a second pill 12 hours after the first (exactly 12 hours), induce vomiting and consult a physician immediately, after which you should induce vomiting again. Continue vomiting until no longer physically possible.
Warnings: Happitame should be kept out of reach of children, the elderly, and the insane.
Happitame should not be stored within 3 feet of fresh produce.
People of Greek descent should avoid taking Happitame. The boys in the lab are still working on what’s going on there, exactly.
Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Happitame. Also do not operate light machinery. You know what? Best just leave machinery of any kind alone.
Side Effects May Include:
Swollen hands and feet may occur.
For some reason people taking Happitame lose the ability to say the word “spatula.” Go figure.
In rare instances, people taking Happitame have experienced “exploding eyeball syndrome.” Should one or more of your eyeballs explode, stop taking Happitame immediately.
Light drooling may occur as a by-product of the substantial amounts of saliva produced by the body while taking Happitame. If possible, avoid swallowing this saliva.
Very sudden, extreme drowsiness may occur. Death-like stillness has been known to last up to 4 hours. Should death-aping symptoms persist for more than 5 hours, consult a physician.
Thanks to Happitame’s patented “no-sneez” formula, while taking Happitame it is physically impossible to sneeze, even in pretend. While taking Happitame, avoid areas where air-borne pathogens are more likely, such as hospitals, schools, grocery stores, churches, movie theaters, airplanes (seriously – don’t get on a plane while taking Happitame), or places of business.
People with blood type AB+ may experience vertigo while taking Happitame, and for up to 6 months afterward. And by “may” we mean “will.” And by “months” we mean “years.”
In a small percentage of cases (less than 1%), people have experienced a light tickling sensation in the back of the throat. This symptom, in and of itself, is nothing to be alarmed about. If, however, you should experience the light tickling sensation, doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.
Occasionally, people taking Happitame experience flu-like symptoms.