Happitame! For temporary relief of minor symptoms associated with colds and fever. No more sneezing; watery, itchy eyes; no more congestion, or runny nose. Enjoy life again: with Happitame!
Dosage: Adults: Take 1 pill twice a day for relief from minor cold symptoms. Do not exceed 2 pills in a single day. Also, do not take fewer than 2 pills a day. If you should be unable to take a second pill 12 hours after the first (exactly 12 hours), induce vomiting and consult a physician immediately, after which you should induce vomiting again. Continue vomiting until no longer physically possible.
Warnings: Happitame should be kept out of reach of children, the elderly, and the insane.
Happitame should not be stored within 3 feet of fresh produce.
People of Greek descent should avoid taking Happitame. The boys in the lab are still working on what’s going on there, exactly.
Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Happitame. Also do not operate light machinery. You know what? Best just leave machinery of any kind alone.
Side Effects May Include:
Swollen hands and feet may occur.
For some reason people taking Happitame lose the ability to say the word “spatula.” Go figure.
In rare instances, people taking Happitame have experienced “exploding eyeball syndrome.” Should one or more of your eyeballs explode, stop taking Happitame immediately.
Light drooling may occur as a by-product of the substantial amounts of saliva produced by the body while taking Happitame. If possible, avoid swallowing this saliva.
Very sudden, extreme drowsiness may occur. Death-like stillness has been known to last up to 4 hours. Should death-aping symptoms persist for more than 5 hours, consult a physician.
Thanks to Happitame’s patented “no-sneez” formula, while taking Happitame it is physically impossible to sneeze, even in pretend. While taking Happitame, avoid areas where air-borne pathogens are more likely, such as hospitals, schools, grocery stores, churches, movie theaters, airplanes (seriously – don’t get on a plane while taking Happitame), or places of business.
People with blood type AB+ may experience vertigo while taking Happitame, and for up to 6 months afterward. And by “may” we mean “will.” And by “months” we mean “years.”
In a small percentage of cases (less than 1%), people have experienced a light tickling sensation in the back of the throat. This symptom, in and of itself, is nothing to be alarmed about. If, however, you should experience the light tickling sensation, doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.
Occasionally, people taking Happitame experience flu-like symptoms.
The Byronic Man 
October 21, 2013 at 5:41 am
Ah, Big Pharma. Gotta… feel some way… about ’em.
October 24, 2013 at 8:31 am
Well, if you do feel some way, I’m sure there’s a pill for that.
Also, I can’t keep up with these avatar changes!
October 21, 2013 at 6:09 am
This sounds like something I may, or may not, have tried in high school. That scene in the field might or might not be a flashback.
October 24, 2013 at 8:32 am
If so, your flashbacks of high-school were better than my actual high school.
October 21, 2013 at 7:00 am
Where can I order? I’m ready.
October 24, 2013 at 8:31 am
Don’t worry, thank to prop. 219 it’ll be in the water supply!
October 21, 2013 at 7:32 am
Now is the time for Happitame
October 24, 2013 at 8:34 am
I always wonder if the people who come up with the names of these medications burst out laughing when they finally get just the thinly-veiled insinuation/pun.
October 24, 2013 at 3:28 pm
They should high-five each other. As in: “Dude, Happitame, Don`t leave me hanging!”.
October 21, 2013 at 9:26 am
I think I took this medication once.
October 24, 2013 at 8:34 am
Could be. Inability to remember taking Happitame is also a side-effect.
October 21, 2013 at 10:28 am
Happitame is people…..!
October 24, 2013 at 8:35 am
But free-range. organic people.
October 21, 2013 at 10:58 am
Free samples please?
October 24, 2013 at 8:57 am
Oh, it’ll be in the water supply soon. Don’t worry.
October 21, 2013 at 1:11 pm
Reblogged this on Resident Alien — Being Dutch in America and commented:
I’m being lazy this week; can you tell? One of the effects of a shitty health care system in America is the amount of self-medication that goes on, and the number of commercials for medicines. These commercials are always good for a laugh and a spoof.
October 21, 2013 at 1:29 pm
Dammitol. I wrote that warning label.
October 24, 2013 at 8:56 am
But did you speak in the requisite “soothing-but-really-fast” voice of the tv commercials while you wrote it?
October 24, 2013 at 9:34 am
Yup. And I enunciated AND projected!
October 21, 2013 at 8:57 pm
I’m thinking about taking Happitame, but I’m a little concerned about one of the side effects. How long does it take before you regain the ability to say “spatula”?
October 24, 2013 at 8:33 am
The process can be sped up if you practice on a whisk.
October 22, 2013 at 8:20 am
I am of Greek descent. I am now really bummed. I was looking forward to a tickle in my throat to spice up my really boring life.
October 24, 2013 at 8:54 am
You can look forward to “Socratame” – the Happitame for Greeks!
October 31, 2013 at 11:23 am
haha!
October 22, 2013 at 10:56 am
Hey, B-man, could you hand me that spank….., spork……, spatch……, spanakopita? Damnit!! How on earth am I supposed to flip my burgers now?
October 24, 2013 at 8:54 am
Pharmacists recommend flipping the entire stove or bbq, instead.
October 23, 2013 at 8:39 pm
The more side effects you get from your medicine, the less you are bothered by the actual disease.
October 24, 2013 at 8:55 am
It’s win-win!
October 31, 2013 at 11:24 am
I couldn’t get through the day without my Happitame. Good thing I don’t get up until 2 in the afternoon.
One correction – they changed the warning on the death-aping symptoms because the FDA insisted. If they last more than 5 hours you should contact your undertaker.