Make Cold Symptoms The Least Of Your Problems! With Happitame!

October 21, 2013


Happitame!  For temporary relief of minor symptoms associated with colds and fever.  No more sneezing; watery, itchy eyes; no more congestion, or runny nose.  Enjoy life again: with Happitame!

Your life will be like this picture!*  With Happitame!  (*assumes life was already like picture.  Not a guarantee)
Your life will be like this picture!* With Happitame! (*assumes life was already like picture. Not a guarantee)

Dosage:  Adults: Take 1 pill twice a day for relief from minor cold symptoms.  Do not exceed 2 pills in a single day.  Also, do not take fewer than 2 pills a day.  If you should be unable to take a second pill 12 hours after the first (exactly 12 hours), induce vomiting and consult a physician immediately, after which you should induce vomiting again.  Continue vomiting until no longer physically possible.

Warnings: Happitame should be kept out of reach of children, the elderly, and the insane.

Happitame should not be stored within 3 feet of fresh produce.

People of Greek descent should avoid taking Happitame. The boys in the lab are still working on what’s going on there, exactly.

Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Happitame.  Also do not operate light machinery.  You know what?  Best just leave machinery of any kind alone.

Side Effects May Include:

Oh man, do NOT operate one of these if you’re taking Happitame. Ha ha. We could tell you stories…

Swollen hands and feet may occur.

For some reason people taking Happitame lose the ability to say the word “spatula.” Go figure.

In rare instances, people taking Happitame have experienced “exploding eyeball syndrome.”  Should one or more of your eyeballs explode, stop taking Happitame  immediately.

Light drooling may occur as a by-product of the substantial amounts of saliva produced by the body while taking Happitame.  If possible, avoid swallowing this saliva.

Doctors do not recommend making pancakes while taking Happitame.

Very sudden, extreme drowsiness may occur.  Death-like stillness has been known to last up to 4 hours.  Should death-aping symptoms persist for more than 5 hours, consult a physician.

Thanks to Happitame’s patented “no-sneez” formula, while taking Happitame it is physically impossible to sneeze, even in pretend.  While taking Happitame, avoid areas where air-borne pathogens are more likely, such as hospitals, schools, grocery stores, churches, movie theaters, airplanes (seriously – don’t get on a plane while taking Happitame), or places of business.

People with blood type AB+ may experience vertigo while taking Happitame, and for up to 6 months afterward.  And by “may” we mean “will.”  And by “months” we mean “years.”

In a small percentage of cases (less than 1%), people have experienced a light tickling sensation in the back of the throat.  This symptom, in and of itself, is nothing to be alarmed about.  If, however, you should experience the light tickling sensation, doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.

Occasionally, people taking Happitame experience flu-like symptoms.

Isn’t it time to take control your life?  Isn’t it time to make cold and flue the least of your problems?  Isn’t it time… for Happitame?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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29 Comments on “Make Cold Symptoms The Least Of Your Problems! With Happitame!”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    Ah, Big Pharma. Gotta… feel some way… about ’em.


  2. silkpurseproductions Says:

    This sounds like something I may, or may not, have tried in high school. That scene in the field might or might not be a flashback.


  3. Teepee12 Says:

    Where can I order? I’m ready.


  4. theduffboy Says:

    Now is the time for Happitame


  5. becomingcliche Says:

    I think I took this medication once.


  6. David A. Ufer Says:

    Happitame is people…..!


  7. Barbara Backer-Gray Says:

    Reblogged this on Resident Alien — Being Dutch in America and commented:
    I’m being lazy this week; can you tell? One of the effects of a shitty health care system in America is the amount of self-medication that goes on, and the number of commercials for medicines. These commercials are always good for a laugh and a spoof.


  8. Elyse Says:

    Dammitol. I wrote that warning label.


  9. Laura Says:

    I’m thinking about taking Happitame, but I’m a little concerned about one of the side effects. How long does it take before you regain the ability to say “spatula”?


  10. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    I am of Greek descent. I am now really bummed. I was looking forward to a tickle in my throat to spice up my really boring life.


  11. mistyslaws Says:

    Hey, B-man, could you hand me that spank….., spork……, spatch……, spanakopita? Damnit!! How on earth am I supposed to flip my burgers now?


  12. List of X Says:

    The more side effects you get from your medicine, the less you are bothered by the actual disease.


  13. pegoleg Says:

    I couldn’t get through the day without my Happitame. Good thing I don’t get up until 2 in the afternoon.

    One correction – they changed the warning on the death-aping symptoms because the FDA insisted. If they last more than 5 hours you should contact your undertaker.


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