“You have cancer, which is horrible. The treatment is chemotherapy which should help but I think there should be something better, so I’ve decided to let you die. I will be charging you for the treatment, though.”
“I realize we lost the big game, but we really wanted to win, so we’ve locked the gates of the stadium, and no one is allowed to go home until you change the scoreboard and give us the game ball.”
“I can see you spent a lot of time setting the menu and preparing Thanksgiving dinner, but I think the way turkeys are raised is inhumane, so I’ve set fire to the house.”
“Well, the brake pads are thin, your radiator hose is cracked, and this timing belt has had it. I can fix it all, and would be happy to, but I also noticed that the door latch is sticking, and I just hate doors, so I’ve put your car in the back lot until the door falls off.”
“I am aware that I voted for you, but that was on the assumption that you had the ethics and intellectual ability to put the good of the people you serve ahead of childish games, feeble-minded combatism, and partisan posturing, so I will be voting for someone else in the next election.”
Oh, wait. That last one makes sense, doesn’t it.
The Byronic Man 
October 3, 2013 at 7:42 am
Pfft, that last one would NEVER work. What kind of crazy crap are you smoking?
October 3, 2013 at 9:02 am
Of course, the really sad part is it would, in fact, work, if people actually did vote that way, instead of just threatening to, and then lapsing back in to “Well, I’ve never heard of this other guy…”
October 3, 2013 at 10:57 am
Maybe that is just how folks SHOULD run — You know all about this jerk and what he’s done — I couldn’t possibly be any worse. Really!
October 3, 2013 at 7:44 am
Sadly, this town changes everyone. Resistance seems to be futile. Those who don’t want to join in the reindeer games eventually go home.
Sorry for the grumpy. Day 3 without PandaCam: the siege continues.
October 4, 2013 at 6:19 am
The story goes that DC was chosen as the capital because it has 7 peaks, which is where the greatest city in the world – the beacon of the future – is supposed to be. I think the founding fathers were realists, and chose it because it was on a swamp.
October 3, 2013 at 7:58 am
I really don’t know what the fuss is all about. The government can’t shut down. They don’t know how to. No one knows whose in charge of what. They would have to appoint a special task force to look into how to shut down the government. There would be meetings about who should be on the task force, hearings, reports, more hearings…
October 3, 2013 at 8:17 am
😉
October 4, 2013 at 6:22 am
You know what would speed up the process? A special committee to investigate the advantageous of efficient government shut down. There might need to be a sub-committee, though, to figure out the best type of committee.
October 4, 2013 at 6:40 am
Sounds about right… 😐
October 4, 2013 at 3:39 pm
I’d volunteer to chair that meeting. Or put my name in the ring to be considered at a special committee to study the qualifications of the sub-committee to advise on the relative merits of forming such a committee.
October 5, 2013 at 5:52 am
You’d be perfect for that job. I nominate you! 🙂 Wait! What Am I nominating you for? Oh this is perfect. 😉
October 3, 2013 at 8:32 am
*Standing up applauding* although I think you are living in a fantasy on that last one.
October 4, 2013 at 7:34 am
Unfortunately…
October 3, 2013 at 8:55 am
I pray no aliens are observing us covertly from space, particularly the DC area. If they are, I’m sure one has already said, “Call back to the Homeworld. Have them send the Death-O-Matic 10k Planet Vaporizer.”
October 3, 2013 at 9:18 am
Hey, waaaiiittt a minute….
October 4, 2013 at 6:24 am
Figuring, if the aliens are watching us, they got here before we got there and are way ahead of us, I always like to imagine them watching us and shaking their heads. “Oh man, remember when we were like that? Ha ha. I can’t believe we survived long enough to be smart.”
October 4, 2013 at 8:10 am
Sort of like old people watching teenagers…
October 6, 2013 at 10:56 pm
I wouldn’t worry about that. The House Republicans should be able to shut down any alien invasion as well, or at least filibuster the death rays indefinitely.
October 3, 2013 at 9:11 am
Love this. Especially the last one. Ludicrous idea you have there, sir.
It’s a half-assed shut down anyhow, a real “Shut-Down” would breed anarchy at it’s finest. Like Hunger Games meets walking dead – that, to me, is a Shut – Down done right. America is throwing a giant hissy fit. As with all hissy fits there should be a time out and some silent treatment with no supper.
October 4, 2013 at 6:26 am
Even if they were joking (well, especially if they were joking), how great would it be if the press secretary announced “Anarchy! Kind of a Hunger-Games/Walking Dead deal. Suffer! Suffer!”
October 4, 2013 at 6:34 am
It would be hilarious. Unfortunately there are too many assinine American’s who would take it too far and we would literally end up plunging into a post-apocalyptic type of insanity. Far too many people are secretly praying for the day society crumbles. It would be like the original War of The Worlds broadcast – except society in general is far less civilized then they were then. Lol
October 3, 2013 at 10:12 am
It feels really good to laugh. Thanks! The last one would work, dammit!! Maybe this will be the last straw for people. Sometimes things have to get really ugly before there’s any change.
October 4, 2013 at 7:34 am
You know, every time I think that surely something is going to be the last straw, someone finds another one.
October 4, 2013 at 2:45 pm
You’re right. When will it stop?!
October 3, 2013 at 10:37 am
Reminds me of that bliss-seeker saying, “Would you rather be happy or right?” Looks like the govt would definitely rather be ‘right’, even if it means being petulant and getting everyone’s panties in a jumble. Sigh..
October 4, 2013 at 7:39 am
Plus, since they’re still collecting their salaries and perks, they’re probably pretty happy, too!
October 3, 2013 at 10:49 am
I was really concerned when I learned that the shutdown had closed the museums, parks and zoo…then I realized it was Thursday and that people should be at work…not at museums, parks and the zoo. We also learned the EPA really is reflective of all government…88% non-essential… so there is that.
October 4, 2013 at 7:35 am
There’s a great Onion article titled “Last Thing Man Needed Was To Be Told He’s ‘Inessential.'”
October 3, 2013 at 10:57 am
I live in the DC area. Based on the amount of traffic on the roads, everybody is essential.
October 4, 2013 at 7:40 am
You know, it’s the great existential crisis of the modern age: We don’t actually need everyone anymore. Maybe the answer lies in, “But who’ll drive the cars around?”
October 4, 2013 at 7:43 am
Whoever it is will be in front of me, going slowly, and smoking a stinking cigar.
October 3, 2013 at 10:58 am
Horribly funny. And reblogged via ScoopIt. Too good not to share.
October 3, 2013 at 11:49 am
Hm, tell us how you really feel B-man.
Well said.
October 4, 2013 at 7:41 am
A little sleepy at the moment.
October 3, 2013 at 10:25 pm
Reblogged this on Resident Alien — Being Dutch in America and commented:
Good one from one of my favorite blogs.
October 4, 2013 at 7:41 am
Thanks!
October 4, 2013 at 8:14 am
You bet.
October 3, 2013 at 11:42 pm
An Aussie friend asked me what was happening here, I was embarrassed as I explained.
BTW, most rural parks you can still enter, no one there to stop you. Sad!!
October 3, 2013 at 11:44 pm
Yep. So my brother-in-law works for the government. I live just outside of DC in Virginia, so half the people I know are effected by this in some way. Anyway, so he gets furloughed earlier this year and his hours get cut back. But not really. Technically his pay got cut back while he worked longer hours because he was strong-armed onto some kind of special project working 50 hours, and further away from home. Now he has no pay. But at least they didn’t make him come in to work anyway. Fortunately they have savings, but there are families who won’t be able to pay their rent or electric or afford groceries. It’s a shame. Or rather, it’s shameful.
October 4, 2013 at 7:46 am
That sounds about right: “These workers are inessential… if we make someone else do their job for free.”
October 4, 2013 at 2:32 am
A funny look at a sad state of affairs…thank you!
October 4, 2013 at 5:08 am
Thanks for giving this person who is now working incredibly long hours to make up for the absence of her non-essential co-workers and has no idea when she’ll see her next paycheck a much needed laugh. You have no idea how heartening it is to know that other people aren’t ignoring what’s happening to all of us.
Oh the perks of passing up a higher-paying private sector career because I wanted to serve my country and community…
October 4, 2013 at 7:48 am
There should really be a standard contract when you start a public sector job, advising you that your pay will stagnate, no one will ever thank you (in fact, they’ll likely call you a parasite on the taxpayers), and you’ll work in a bureaucracy that would make a Soviet blush.
October 4, 2013 at 5:11 am
I’m just thankful that my disability check still came this month. I wasn’t sure it would.
I like Warren Buffett’s take on Congress. Any time the deficit reaches 3%, we fire everyone and hire new.
October 4, 2013 at 3:40 pm
Here, here!
October 4, 2013 at 5:57 am
I think your analogies are flawed. They suggest there is something broken about the ACA, for which they have a better idea. I haven’t heard anybody say that. It’s more like they are just mad that something is changing, likely for the good, and they are getting no credit for it. Maybe if we just agree to name it “BoehnerCare,” (which every Democrat can say while making quotation marks with their fingers), we’d have a deal.
October 4, 2013 at 6:05 am
Exactly, remediator. They are spoiled nasty children, some of whom are racist, who cannot tolerate the thought that an African American could leave a lasting legacy of compassion behind.
October 4, 2013 at 7:45 am
My analogies are flawless, much like the teaser scene from the first episode of this last season of Breaking Bad.
October 4, 2013 at 6:04 am
The last one – yes! I look forward to the beating they’ll take during the next election. It would be remarkable if most of them were returned to office, given that a lot of them come from districts where huge populations would most benefit from Obamacare. I feel for the people who direly need their paychecks. They are pawns. They didn’t ask for this kind of treatment.
October 4, 2013 at 7:46 am
Unfortunately, one of the things political machines truly excel at is convincing people to vehemently reject the things that would benefit them. We’ll see…
October 4, 2013 at 11:19 am
Very well put friend! Very well put! Huzzah and Hurumph and Huzzah again!
October 4, 2013 at 3:18 pm
The shutdown reflects the failures of both political parties. The sovereign law of the land – the Constitution – is a bundle of compromises. Compromise has helped America through some of her darkest hours. It’s a shame that the art of compromise has been replaced by the art of pandering.
October 5, 2013 at 8:17 pm
It is not very surprising at all that a limited # of congress would allow damage to our economy directly to 401s. They not in touch with reality. The majority of this country does not make 6 figures anymore than they give themselves raises for not working? Perhaps they should pay for their own health care out of pocket.
October 6, 2013 at 10:58 pm
Sorry, due to the shutdown I can’t think of a clever comment. And I used to think that my snark was an essential function.