My Predictions For The Final Episode of “Breaking Bad”

September 29, 2013

Humor

It’s all come to this.  The final episode. Tonight.  And, I’ll be honest – I’m not sure my heart can take it.  This show has managed to ratchet tension up so high it needs a surgeon general’s warning. 

And if you’re not watching Breaking Bad?  Good God!  You need two TV’s and a Netflix account right now.

There are a lot of theories out there about what will happen tonight, but most of them are pretty “safe.”  So what am I predicting…?

"You know you've found someone special when he'll stare at you for long periods without blinking and offer to make your tea stronger or walk you through a fields of corpses."

“You know you’ve found someone special when he’ll stare at you for long periods without blinking and offer to make your tea stronger or walk you through a fields of corpses.”

A surprising amount of musical numbers.  The pre-credits sequence will be called, “My meth isn’t the only thing that’s blue.”

Todd and Lydia’s beautiful wedding!  Get a hanky ready for their vows…

That the M60 machine gun Walter bought is for a gun show, where he’s hoping to make extra money “honestly.”

All that blood coughing? Not cancer – just an allergy to soy.

In a twist, Mike Armentrout’s granddaughter will show up toward the end, armed with an AR-15 and a hand grenade; and she’s going to want her god damn trust fund.

That, because of an ironclad union contract, Walter will be able to get his teaching job back.

Badger will land a 24-episode production deal to bring Star Trek back to TV.

Marie will look in her closet, get a perplexed look, and say, “Jesus, I own a lot of purple.”

Hank and Gomez are okay!  Standard DEA training: the ol’ “pretend-to-be-shot-and-buried-in-a-shallow-grave-in-the-desert” ploy.

No one dies in the episode at all.

Ghosts! Ghosts! Ghosts!

Walt jr. will sell the most magazines at his school and win free breakfast at IHOP for a year.

The entire show will turn out to be an elaborate prequel/backstory for the upcoming series Jesse Pinkman: Private Eye.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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22 Comments on “My Predictions For The Final Episode of “Breaking Bad””

  1. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I’m gonna go with “they are all really dead, stuck in purgatory on an island, and Bob Newhart dreamed the entire thing”. And the iHop one.

    I have only seen the one episode when the tub melted and felt through the floor. I’ve got a weak stomach.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That episode is actually near, or even at, the top of the list for physical gore. It’s far more common for the show to plunge your emotions in acid in smash them through the floor. It’s fun!

      Reply

  2. The World Is My Cuttlefish Says:

    I can’t read this. I haven’t watched it at all – not even an ad – but it’s THE show (along with Downton Abbey. If ever there was a contradiction in viewers’ appetites…) so I will get it somehow.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, one, everything here is utter nonsense, so nothing would really be given away. And two, I’d avoid anyone who watches it tomorrow, because they’re going to to agony to be around.

      Reply

  3. Marie Says:

    There are two kinds of people in life: those that have never watched Breaking Bad, and those that know a good thing when it happens.

    Reply

  4. 1pointperspective Says:

    I’ve never seen it. I prefer my Bryan Cranston as the knucklehead dad on “Malcolm in the Middle”. I know I should see it, but tuning in to episode 7 of season 3 will likely leave me wondering what the big fuss is about.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yes, it’s definitely one to go in order on. There are a few that you can just drop in on, but actually one of the shows most powerful qualities is its willingness to slow-burn the tension, which would be lost with a jump in.

      Reply

  5. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    I started to watch this show and I think I watched at least 10 episodes before quitting. The meth topic just didn’t interest me. However, I’m rethinking that and will probably pick it up soon. After all, Dexter’s final episodes are coming up. I’ve got to turn to something else dark. Oh, yeah, I have started watching “Orange is the New Black.” Not bad at all.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      The meth becomes the vehicle for the tragedy – they could be making guns, or booze, or anything that one might abandon their morals for, in order to make vast money.

      And… hm… how to say this… if you haven’t seen the final episode of Dexter yet… it’s, well, it’s… I don’t want to overstate this, but it’s horrible. Really horrible. Offensively, jaw-droppingly horrible.

      Reply

      • Marie Says:

        (so was the majority of the entire last season of Dexter – they should have ended that one last year… i think)

        Reply

      • Snoring Dog Studio Says:

        I haven’t seen the end of Dexter’s final season, yet but I suspect those writers, who aren’t that adept at times, are going to make a mess of it. I realize that it can’t end on a happy note, but I suppose wishing for some finesse is out of the question, given your comment. Bummer!

        Reply

  6. Remediator Says:

    Bold predictions, and a few song and dance numbers would be nice. The final scene — Walt and Skyler proudly waving to a fully suited up Walter Jr., as he steps up into an RV with a big bow on top.

    Reply

  7. Hippie Cahier Says:

    The teenagers next door tried to school me on dubstep, Walking Dead, Jay-Z’s affiliation with the Illuminati, rap music in general, why calling a “chick” a “chick” is cool and most chicks dig it, and Breaking Bad. It was all a bit overwhelming, so I only caught two or three episodes but I’ve been meaning to catch up, especially now because I want to see that free breakfast scene at the iHop.

    Reply

  8. Teepee12 Says:

    I have Netflix. AND two TVs. We’ll get to it. Like usual, after everyone else has moved on to something else. We live a delayed life.

    Reply

  9. itsallapuzzle Says:

    Here is my prediction… Walt wakes up from a terrible nightmare from all of his chemo and in realizing this, he has a new attitude on life. This might be why 2 episodes ago he was shown saying hi to his neighbor in the driveway. With that being said, the “nightmare will still have an ending where “everybody gets killed”. ok, yes I am obsessed with this show. I have had so many predictions I am driving my husband crazy. Another prediction is that his son will kill him. And Walt was worried about everyone else. “unapologetic” . Thanks for the outlet

    Reply

  10. The Bumble Files Says:

    I’ve only watched the first season of Breaking Bad and loved it, but haven’t returned. I’m way behind!! I feel a little left out of all this hype. I know I’ll catch up in no time, now that’s it’s almost over. Enjoy it! I hope it exceeds your expectations.

    Reply

  11. knace Says:

    My son and I are savoring it one episode at a time on Netflix. We just finished season 4 and I am hoping we can make it to the end without hearing what happens, so, I’m going to hide out in my basement for the next few weeks.

    Reply

  12. humanTriumphant Says:

    Well, you just explained a ton of otherwise meaningless fb remarks that popped up on my homepage this morning. Now I don’t feel as much clueless as just…out of the loop.

    Reply

  13. pegoleg Says:

    I sure wish I’d ever seen this show so all of this would be as moving and funny as I KNOW it is. But now that’s it’s over, is there any point in me jumping on the bandwagon? Is there even a bandwagon anymore? Dilemma.

    Reply

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