Listen, Oliver, buddy… I get it. I do. You’re a tough cat. When we met you at the Humane Society, they called you Brute, because you pushed everyone around. After we got you to our house it took you about one day to decide not to take any crap from the dogs. You even took the dog bed from Bailey, and he’s 145 pounds of solid canine. Everything was going great for you – the unchallenged alpha of the local furry set.
And now this.
This.
This… bird.
Don’t look now, but I think I’m being followed. I said don’t look!
It’s got to be humiliating, buddy. I know.
Every time you go outside, day or night, he’s there. Yelling at you. Chasing you. Cornering you.
And I know it doesn’t help that I crack up when he has you cornered and you’re meowing to me to let you in. I’m sorry. I really am.
Please let me in. Please stop laughing and taking my picture and open the damn door.
Come on, now. Seriously. You’re laughing so much you can’t even hold the camera steady, and he’s getting closer. This is humiliating.
I know your self-esteem is in the toilet right now. But, Oliver… he’s a bird. You know how you know that Bailey could eat you and still be hungry for dinner in a few hours? How his paw is roughly the size of your head? Yet you boss him around on pure confidence, hoping he doesn’t realize it.
Same deal, Oliver. Same deal here.
HEY, CAT. HEY, CAT. HEY. HEY. HEY, CAT. WHAT’S ON YOUR TAIL, CAT? HEY. HEY, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR TAIL?
BAM!! ME!! THAT’S WHAT’S ON YOUR TAIL, STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
This bird is fearless, isn’t he? But he’s all talk. All talk. A balloon of confidence just waiting to be popped. He’s gotten inside your head; bullying you, following you around – he even stalks you when you’re inside the house.
YOU THINK YOU’RE SAFE ON THAT BED, CAT? YOU THINK SOME WINDOW CAN KEEP ME OUT? I COULD BREAK THAT WINDOW ANY TIME I WANTED, CAT.
Sure, he could peck. Pecking hurts like crazy. But you can win this fight. Like all bullies, he’s just show. He’s tiny. He has hollow bones. If there were gambling on the fight between you two, I’d say any smart money’s going on you.
You’ve even got biology on your side. You’re a cat. He’s a bird. See where I’m going with this?
You can do this, Oliver. You go get him.
I’ll be inside, because the bird’s started staring me down and he followed me to the car this morning.
The Byronic Man 
June 13, 2013 at 3:15 am
Hahahahaha!!!! Perhaps Oliver needs a little talk about Karma.
June 13, 2013 at 8:50 am
I’m more concerned about how he’ll over-comenpsate with the dogs.
June 13, 2013 at 3:51 am
Oliver, my friend, I’m sending you a virtual Starbucks latte with extra caffeine! It’ll pump you up and you can take care of Bad Bird once and for all!
June 13, 2013 at 8:49 am
What I’d really like is to organize the pets to work together. That’d really clean the bird’s clock.
June 13, 2013 at 4:10 am
I prefer to think he’s just biding his time, waiting until the bird is lulled into a false sense of security.
June 13, 2013 at 8:50 am
Nothing says long-range planning like “cat”!
June 13, 2013 at 8:51 am
Nothing says “long-range planning” like “cat”!
June 13, 2013 at 4:20 am
Love this! Poor little kitty cat
June 13, 2013 at 8:51 am
It really is getting heart-breaking.
June 13, 2013 at 4:26 am
Maybe Oliver’s taking him on as an apprentice in some Obi-wan/Anakin scenario? The wiser Obi-wan could’ve perforated the young, precocious Anakin at any time. Ok, I’m using episodes 1&2 as examples. Time to quit.
Btw this post is f-ing awesome.
June 13, 2013 at 8:52 am
Well, the bird’s screeching is reminiscent of Anakin’s incessant whining. There is that.
June 13, 2013 at 4:44 am
Haha!! This was soooooo funny. And sad. Poor Oliver. I love how the bird is stalking him through the window. That has GOT to be a tough thing for Oliver to explain to all the neighborhood cats….have they shunned him yet?
June 13, 2013 at 8:52 am
Isn’t that crazy? He’s stalking him in the house!
June 13, 2013 at 4:56 am
Poor Oliver, how humiliating. But some, ummm, people, will do anything for a laugh.
June 13, 2013 at 5:09 am
Very amusing, darling — and also, I’ve been doing my best not to try to visualize a 10 lb, furry Tippi Hedren — so far, so… oh, wait.
June 13, 2013 at 8:53 am
Hitchcock’s movies would have been even more popular if they’d starred cats.
June 13, 2013 at 6:08 pm
Norman Bates: A cat in a wig and dress using his claws like noboby’s business (ree, ree, ree…) now there’s an image that will haunt me until I expire…
June 13, 2013 at 5:18 am
That bird must still have some dinosaur in it.
June 13, 2013 at 8:56 am
He certainly thinks so.
June 13, 2013 at 5:23 am
Blue jays are vicious. They kill other animals. Their beak is long and deadly. Your cat needs to be protected. .
June 13, 2013 at 8:56 am
Yeah, all humor aside, they’re horrible little birds. We’re working on getting them out of there. Meanwhile, the cats are spending less time outside.
June 13, 2013 at 5:29 am
Holy Meow Mix!! The one where the bird is attacking
Brute’sOliver’s tale is INCREDIBLE. What an a-hole [bird].I’m with FWH – f-ing awesome. I hope Oliver is just biding his time.
Also? 145 pounds. I’m still processing that from whenever you last mentioned it.
June 13, 2013 at 8:58 am
Yeah, the bird is kind of unreal. He’s got a buddy moving in, too. I literally have to chase them to get them to even fly to the other end of the yard. They are totally fearless, and surprisingly intelligent – they’re figuring out exactly how far they have to go before I can’t get at them.
And the really disappointing one is Clancy – he LOVES chasing birds, but even he’s steering clear.
June 13, 2013 at 5:34 am
Too funny! Those blue birds can be ornery! You’d make a fine nature show photographer if teaching doesn’t pan out.
June 13, 2013 at 9:01 am
Only if I can narrate my nature shows in a Werner Herzog voice.
“Ven I look into ze eyez of de blue-berd, I see only de kolt crew-elty of pitiless nah-ture. A randomness uff brew-tahlity.”
June 13, 2013 at 9:03 am
I’m more of a Randall the gay honey badger dude narrator enjoyer, whoah says that cat! but I didn’t hate the sound of Werner there either.
June 13, 2013 at 5:43 am
Holy cow, what a ballsy bird!! I can’t believe he’s just going after his tail like that. Quite a does of comeuppance for poor little Oliver, I would say.
And careful, B-man . . . your schadenfreude is showing. Let that poor cat inside. And buy some curtains!!
June 13, 2013 at 9:01 am
My pets must sometimes suffer for my art. Now that I’ve gotten my photos, we’re a team again.
June 13, 2013 at 5:52 am
Poor Oliver. Maybe he’s planning his strategy to deal with the bird. Or he just doesn’t care any more. He’s through being the brute. Could be. That bird is a bully.
June 13, 2013 at 9:02 am
I feel like it’s a test as a new parent. How much do I let him fight his own battle? Should I go beat the crap out of the bird? Find the bird’s parents?
June 13, 2013 at 5:52 am
Awesome! We have a similar situation at our house!
June 13, 2013 at 9:02 am
Isn’t their constant, territorial screeching lovely?
June 13, 2013 at 6:23 am
Haha…aw poor Oliver. Poor patheticly-scared-of-a-tiny-bird Oliver. 😆
June 13, 2013 at 9:03 am
It’s amazing what you can do on pure, delusional self-assurance. I know a lot of humans like that, too.
June 13, 2013 at 6:34 am
Hilarious! Birds can be creepy and this one is up there in creepiness! Oliver is going to beg to be an indoor cat from now on. 🙂
June 13, 2013 at 9:04 am
He’s getting there, that’s for sure. He goes out, looks around, and if it’s there (which it pretty much always is), he turns around now. It’s sad.
June 13, 2013 at 6:38 am
Love the picture of the bird playing Peeping Tom from the tree outside the window! Classic!
June 13, 2013 at 9:03 am
Isn’t that just unreal? And, of course, that’s without even hearing it screeching at him through the window.
June 13, 2013 at 7:27 am
Aw, poor Oliver! He’s being bullied by a blue bird! I have an orange cat, and he thinks he’s tough, too, unless someone visits the house or the neighbor walks outside or I drop something or it rains…
June 13, 2013 at 9:05 am
Orange cats are the greatest. They’re so full of themselves, and so smart, and such complete doofuses.
June 13, 2013 at 8:40 am
HILARIOUS!
June 13, 2013 at 9:33 am
Wow, that bird has balls. Wait – do birds have balls? Next time he lands on your head while your running to the car flailing your arms around for protection, look up and check, OK?
Oh, and Tippi Hedren WAS 10 pounds. It’s a Hollywood requirement.
June 14, 2013 at 11:24 am
I hear she waxed her fur, though. So vain.
June 13, 2013 at 9:37 am
I wonder if that jay is protecting a nest nearby from the obviously terribly ferocious Oliver or perhaps just flown into a window a few too many times.
June 14, 2013 at 11:25 am
I think they may have a nest nearby, which complicates things.
June 13, 2013 at 10:59 am
I’ve witnessed this with my cats. It’s like, duh, cat you’re 10 times bigger. I love the pics of the cat on the bed looking at the bird at the tree. Too funny!
June 14, 2013 at 11:25 am
Isn’t that crazy? This morning, no lie, I woke up and he was staring at me through the window. IT’S MY HOUSE, YOU STUPID BIRD.
June 14, 2013 at 11:39 am
Between you and me, birds freak me out!
June 13, 2013 at 11:36 am
That’s really funny, that last picture just cracked me up!
June 14, 2013 at 11:26 am
Yeah, you don’t think of birds as taunting the cat while he’s inside.
June 13, 2013 at 11:42 am
That is AWESOME!
June 14, 2013 at 11:26 am
I thought so, only now the incessant screeching is giving me a headache.
June 13, 2013 at 1:44 pm
That is one bad a$$ bird. I can’t believe he nipped at Oliver’s tail like that! Maybe the bird has a thing for Oliver.
There’s a tuxedo cat in my neighborhood who seems to be in love with Reggie. They even look alike. She runs over to Reggie on our walks and rubs her head against his face. He backs away – a little freaked out by the whole thing.
June 14, 2013 at 2:54 pm
Perhaps it’s love, and he’s playing hard to get. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve not seen the signs.
June 13, 2013 at 2:08 pm
There’s this goose that hangs out in the parking lot of my school. He just stands there. Watching. Always watching. And then the other day I was pulling in, and there were two. To quote Les Nessman, it was almost as if they were ORGANIZED.
All that to say, I know how Oliver feels.
June 13, 2013 at 2:13 pm
The bird’s just testing the concept of nine lives.
June 13, 2013 at 7:00 pm
That is one creepy, ballsy bird. I think I love him. Go kick his ass, Oliver!
June 13, 2013 at 7:52 pm
Sign of the apocalypse. This and Ke$ha.
June 14, 2013 at 6:51 am
Yeah, they’re screeches sound like her, too. Eerie!
June 13, 2013 at 9:01 pm
My cat behaves exactly the same way as your cat. Except that instead of the bird being the fearsome foe for your cat, my cat’s nemesis is everything.
June 14, 2013 at 6:49 am
Oh, everything. Everything is scary, isn’t it? 99.5% of all people die because of some aspect of everything. (.5% margin of error)
June 13, 2013 at 9:24 pm
This reminds me of my cat Bixby’s relationship with my pet rat Edgar. He is seriously more afraid of Edgar than anything else in the world. Hilarious
June 14, 2013 at 6:46 am
It’s amazing how much animals are all posturing and show, isn’t it?
June 14, 2013 at 12:36 am
Please provide us a list of possible enemies (deceased, natch) so we can determine who has been reincarnated and come back to make you regret “it.” Then tell us what “it” is… cat.
June 14, 2013 at 5:06 am
Oh, my god. Hilarious stuff! Who needs sitcoms and TV at all when you’ve got this right outside your patio door. That is one tough bird. With a skewed sense of reality.
June 14, 2013 at 6:44 am
is that a jay? ‘Cause, yeah, jays are pretty fearless. We also had one chase our cat, and when I was a kid a jay would dive-bomb my mom if she went outside (she had shiny auburn hair at the time).
June 14, 2013 at 7:10 am
And Bailey smiles his evil-dog smile from the re-claimed dog bed.
June 14, 2013 at 7:15 am
Hahahahhah! I am so happy you have a blog! I work at an animal hospital and I can never properly articulate why I love it so much. This, this blog post is why. What a perfect slice of life.
June 14, 2013 at 7:26 am
Thanks – my wife used to work at an animal hospital, but it was too heartbreaking for her, so good job, you.
June 14, 2013 at 7:45 am
Aww, thank you and cheers to you guys! People like you make it bearable. It can be tough but stories like your post about Oliver help make it worth it, so thank you! And on a personal note I have the heart of a refrigerator so I can make it through no problem.
June 14, 2013 at 7:56 am
lol… this cracked me up… that’s how it goes… i don’t understand sometimes how these animals are not aware of their own size… I’ve a 20lb dog that thinks she’s a rottweiler half the time… that is until our friends fuzzy little 5lb dog comes around and then she’s high tailing it out of there… silly pets…
June 15, 2013 at 2:16 pm
Ah yes, the dynamics of pecking order.
June 15, 2013 at 3:38 pm
HAHAHA! This is beyond hilarious!! Poor Oliver!
June 15, 2013 at 9:37 pm
We had a mockingbird that sat on our front railing and yelled at our dogs and cat every day. One day our Norwich Terrier nailed him. She was on a leash and I didn’t even realize what had happened until it was over. Flutter flutter, good bye. Divot was small, but she was a mighty huntress.
June 15, 2013 at 9:56 pm
Cats are something else, all right. My big male cat is too scared to go down one flight of stairs (I’m on the third floor)’ yet my tiny female cat LOVES to go all the way down to hang out with the alley cats. Go figure! (And yes, they’re both fixed)
June 16, 2013 at 8:39 am
A cat being bested by a bird. Now I have seen everything.
June 17, 2013 at 6:26 am
I once had a cockatoo that squared off with my terrier mix, Scrappy. It was a draw. Scrappy stayed in his corner with a few nice white feathers in his mouth, but Reggie strutted away, babbling “I Reggie Bird…I Reggie Bird.” All I could think of Mohamed Ali before or after a fight!
June 20, 2013 at 2:26 pm
Reblogged this on alexisbree.
June 25, 2013 at 7:55 am
I am caught between my germanshpeherd and my cat Arya, who has taken to bossing the GSD around. I wonder if I am going to get to see my cat get bossed instead some day from something that is smaller than him. LOL. Great post! Thanks for the laugh.
June 25, 2013 at 3:32 pm
I’m looking for a mouse to take on the Jay. Maybe that’s just how nature works.
June 26, 2013 at 5:19 am
hahaha… please get that on camera too if it happens 🙂
June 30, 2013 at 7:54 am
Too funny! It’s a live action Pixar short.