It’s Like “The Birds,” If It Was One Bird, And If Tippi Hedren Was 10 Lbs And Furry

June 13, 2013

Humor

Listen, Oliver, buddy… I get it.  I do.  You’re a tough cat.  When we met you at the Humane Society, they called you Brute, because you pushed everyone around.  After we got you to our house it took you about one day to decide not to take any crap from the dogs.  You even took the dog bed from Bailey, and he’s 145 pounds of solid canine.  Everything was going great for you – the unchallenged alpha of the local furry set.

And now this.

This.

This… bird.

IMG_0040

Don’t look now, but I think I’m being followed. I said don’t look!

It’s got to be humiliating, buddy.  I know.

Every time you go outside, day or night, he’s there.  Yelling at you.  Chasing you. Cornering you.

And I know it doesn’t help that I crack up when he has you cornered and you’re meowing to me to let you in.  I’m sorry. I really am.

IMG_0043

Please let me in. Please stop laughing and taking my picture and open the damn door.

Come on, now. Seriously.  You can't even hold the camera steady, and he's getting closer.  Open the door.  This is humiliating.

Come on, now. Seriously. You’re laughing so much you can’t even hold the camera steady, and he’s getting closer. This is humiliating.

I know your self-esteem is in the toilet right now.  But, Oliver… he’s a bird.  You know how you know that Bailey could eat you and still be hungry for dinner in a few hours?  How his paw is roughly the size of your head?  Yet you boss him around on pure confidence, hoping he doesn’t realize it.

Same deal, Oliver.  Same deal here.

Hey, cat!  Hey, cat!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey, cat!

HEY, CAT.  HEY, CAT.  HEY.  HEY.  HEY, CAT.  WHAT’S ON YOUR TAIL, CAT?  HEY.  HEY, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR TAIL?

BAM!! ME!! That's what's on your tail, stupid! Hahahahaha!

BAM!!  ME!!  THAT’S WHAT’S ON YOUR TAIL, STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This bird is fearless, isn’t he?  But he’s all talk.  All talk.  A balloon of confidence just waiting to be popped.  He’s gotten inside your head; bullying you, following you around – he even stalks you when you’re inside the house.

"You think you're safe on that bed?  You think some window can keep me out? Sleep with one kitty eye open..."

YOU THINK YOU’RE SAFE ON THAT BED, CAT?  YOU THINK SOME WINDOW CAN KEEP ME OUT?  I COULD BREAK THAT WINDOW ANY TIME I WANTED, CAT.

Sure, he could peck.  Pecking hurts like crazy.  But you can win this fight.  Like all bullies, he’s just show.  He’s tiny.  He has hollow bones.  If there were gambling on the fight between you two, I’d say any smart money’s going on you.

You’ve even got biology on your side. You’re a cat.  He’s a bird.  See where I’m going with this?

You can do this, Oliver.  You go get him.

I’ll be inside, because the bird’s started staring me down and he followed me to the car this morning.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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82 Comments on “It’s Like “The Birds,” If It Was One Bird, And If Tippi Hedren Was 10 Lbs And Furry”

  1. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahahahaha!!!! Perhaps Oliver needs a little talk about Karma.

    Reply

  2. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Oliver, my friend, I’m sending you a virtual Starbucks latte with extra caffeine! It’ll pump you up and you can take care of Bad Bird once and for all!

    Reply

  3. Laura Says:

    I prefer to think he’s just biding his time, waiting until the bird is lulled into a false sense of security.

    Reply

  4. grannyK Says:

    Love this! Poor little kitty cat

    Reply

  5. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Maybe Oliver’s taking him on as an apprentice in some Obi-wan/Anakin scenario? The wiser Obi-wan could’ve perforated the young, precocious Anakin at any time. Ok, I’m using episodes 1&2 as examples. Time to quit.

    Btw this post is f-ing awesome.

    Reply

  6. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Haha!! This was soooooo funny. And sad. Poor Oliver. I love how the bird is stalking him through the window. That has GOT to be a tough thing for Oliver to explain to all the neighborhood cats….have they shunned him yet?

    Reply

  7. Elyse Says:

    Poor Oliver, how humiliating. But some, ummm, people, will do anything for a laugh.

    Reply

  8. Helena Hann-Basquiat Says:

    Very amusing, darling — and also, I’ve been doing my best not to try to visualize a 10 lb, furry Tippi Hedren — so far, so… oh, wait.

    Reply

  9. speaker7 Says:

    That bird must still have some dinosaur in it.

    Reply

  10. Mary Says:

    Blue jays are vicious. They kill other animals. Their beak is long and deadly. Your cat needs to be protected. .

    Reply

  11. Go Jules Go Says:

    Holy Meow Mix!! The one where the bird is attacking Brute’s Oliver’s tale is INCREDIBLE. What an a-hole [bird].

    I’m with FWH – f-ing awesome. I hope Oliver is just biding his time.

    Also? 145 pounds. I’m still processing that from whenever you last mentioned it.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, the bird is kind of unreal. He’s got a buddy moving in, too. I literally have to chase them to get them to even fly to the other end of the yard. They are totally fearless, and surprisingly intelligent – they’re figuring out exactly how far they have to go before I can’t get at them.

      And the really disappointing one is Clancy – he LOVES chasing birds, but even he’s steering clear.

      Reply

  12. donofalltrades Says:

    Too funny! Those blue birds can be ornery! You’d make a fine nature show photographer if teaching doesn’t pan out.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Only if I can narrate my nature shows in a Werner Herzog voice.

      “Ven I look into ze eyez of de blue-berd, I see only de kolt crew-elty of pitiless nah-ture. A randomness uff brew-tahlity.”

      Reply

  13. mistyslaws Says:

    Holy cow, what a ballsy bird!! I can’t believe he’s just going after his tail like that. Quite a does of comeuppance for poor little Oliver, I would say.

    And careful, B-man . . . your schadenfreude is showing. Let that poor cat inside. And buy some curtains!!

    Reply

  14. mairedubhtx Says:

    Poor Oliver. Maybe he’s planning his strategy to deal with the bird. Or he just doesn’t care any more. He’s through being the brute. Could be. That bird is a bully.

    Reply

  15. DiatribesAndOvations.com Says:

    Awesome! We have a similar situation at our house!

    Reply

  16. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Haha…aw poor Oliver. Poor patheticly-scared-of-a-tiny-bird Oliver. 😆

    Reply

  17. brickhousechick Says:

    Hilarious! Birds can be creepy and this one is up there in creepiness! Oliver is going to beg to be an indoor cat from now on. 🙂

    Reply

  18. Angela Says:

    Love the picture of the bird playing Peeping Tom from the tree outside the window! Classic!

    Reply

  19. rachelocal Says:

    Aw, poor Oliver! He’s being bullied by a blue bird! I have an orange cat, and he thinks he’s tough, too, unless someone visits the house or the neighbor walks outside or I drop something or it rains…

    Reply

  20. pegoleg Says:

    Wow, that bird has balls. Wait – do birds have balls? Next time he lands on your head while your running to the car flailing your arms around for protection, look up and check, OK?

    Oh, and Tippi Hedren WAS 10 pounds. It’s a Hollywood requirement.

    Reply

  21. Denise Says:

    I wonder if that jay is protecting a nest nearby from the obviously terribly ferocious Oliver or perhaps just flown into a window a few too many times.

    Reply

  22. The Bumble Files Says:

    I’ve witnessed this with my cats. It’s like, duh, cat you’re 10 times bigger. I love the pics of the cat on the bed looking at the bird at the tree. Too funny!

    Reply

  23. Pleun Says:

    That’s really funny, that last picture just cracked me up!

    Reply

  24. Jackie Cangro Says:

    That is one bad a$$ bird. I can’t believe he nipped at Oliver’s tail like that! Maybe the bird has a thing for Oliver.

    There’s a tuxedo cat in my neighborhood who seems to be in love with Reggie. They even look alike. She runs over to Reggie on our walks and rubs her head against his face. He backs away – a little freaked out by the whole thing.

    Reply

  25. Michael Says:

    There’s this goose that hangs out in the parking lot of my school. He just stands there. Watching. Always watching. And then the other day I was pulling in, and there were two. To quote Les Nessman, it was almost as if they were ORGANIZED.

    All that to say, I know how Oliver feels.

    Reply

  26. Blogdramedy Says:

    The bird’s just testing the concept of nine lives.

    Reply

  27. JM Randolph Says:

    That is one creepy, ballsy bird. I think I love him. Go kick his ass, Oliver!

    Reply

  28. rossmurray1 Says:

    Sign of the apocalypse. This and Ke$ha.

    Reply

  29. List of X Says:

    My cat behaves exactly the same way as your cat. Except that instead of the bird being the fearsome foe for your cat, my cat’s nemesis is everything.

    Reply

  30. Daile Says:

    This reminds me of my cat Bixby’s relationship with my pet rat Edgar. He is seriously more afraid of Edgar than anything else in the world. Hilarious

    Reply

  31. Andrea Says:

    Please provide us a list of possible enemies (deceased, natch) so we can determine who has been reincarnated and come back to make you regret “it.” Then tell us what “it” is… cat.

    Reply

  32. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    Oh, my god. Hilarious stuff! Who needs sitcoms and TV at all when you’ve got this right outside your patio door. That is one tough bird. With a skewed sense of reality.

    Reply

  33. Luddy's Lens Says:

    is that a jay? ‘Cause, yeah, jays are pretty fearless. We also had one chase our cat, and when I was a kid a jay would dive-bomb my mom if she went outside (she had shiny auburn hair at the time).

    Reply

  34. Sandy Sue Says:

    And Bailey smiles his evil-dog smile from the re-claimed dog bed.

    Reply

  35. thegirlwhofelldown Says:

    Hahahahhah! I am so happy you have a blog! I work at an animal hospital and I can never properly articulate why I love it so much. This, this blog post is why. What a perfect slice of life.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Thanks – my wife used to work at an animal hospital, but it was too heartbreaking for her, so good job, you.

      Reply

      • thegirlwhofelldown Says:

        Aww, thank you and cheers to you guys! People like you make it bearable. It can be tough but stories like your post about Oliver help make it worth it, so thank you! And on a personal note I have the heart of a refrigerator so I can make it through no problem.

        Reply

  36. rgdole Says:

    lol… this cracked me up… that’s how it goes… i don’t understand sometimes how these animals are not aware of their own size… I’ve a 20lb dog that thinks she’s a rottweiler half the time… that is until our friends fuzzy little 5lb dog comes around and then she’s high tailing it out of there… silly pets…

    Reply

  37. Rambling Jill Says:

    Ah yes, the dynamics of pecking order.

    Reply

  38. heartEdu Says:

    HAHAHA! This is beyond hilarious!! Poor Oliver!

    Reply

  39. Teepee12 Says:

    We had a mockingbird that sat on our front railing and yelled at our dogs and cat every day. One day our Norwich Terrier nailed him. She was on a leash and I didn’t even realize what had happened until it was over. Flutter flutter, good bye. Divot was small, but she was a mighty huntress.

    Reply

  40. Richard A. Says:

    Cats are something else, all right. My big male cat is too scared to go down one flight of stairs (I’m on the third floor)’ yet my tiny female cat LOVES to go all the way down to hang out with the alley cats. Go figure! (And yes, they’re both fixed)

    Reply

  41. sporadicblogger Says:

    A cat being bested by a bird. Now I have seen everything.

    Reply

  42. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I once had a cockatoo that squared off with my terrier mix, Scrappy. It was a draw. Scrappy stayed in his corner with a few nice white feathers in his mouth, but Reggie strutted away, babbling “I Reggie Bird…I Reggie Bird.” All I could think of Mohamed Ali before or after a fight!

    Reply

  43. Arman Says:

    I am caught between my germanshpeherd and my cat Arya, who has taken to bossing the GSD around. I wonder if I am going to get to see my cat get bossed instead some day from something that is smaller than him. LOL. Great post! Thanks for the laugh.

    Reply

  44. cricketmuse Says:

    Too funny! It’s a live action Pixar short.

    Reply

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