Times It Is Acceptable to Say, “That’s So Gay”:
- You’re trying to tell someone “That’s okay” and you have a pretty bad cold.
- Someone has just done a spot-on impression of actress Marcia Gay Harden, from Miller’s Crossing.
You haven’t seen Miller’s Crossing? Really? Oh, man, it’s fantastic.
- You’re at a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit.
- You’re trying to be supportive of a friend who’s recently embraced an openly-homosexual lifestyle, but he is worried he isn’t doing it right.
- You’re in a celebrity poker game, against poker champ and former Welcome Back, Kotter star Gabe Kaplan. You believe he is cheating and accuse him of such. He angrily denies it and – spotting what you believe to be proof – you try to say, “Oh? That so, Gabe?!” but he punches you in the face before you can finish.
And that’s pretty much it.
The Byronic Man 
April 11, 2013 at 3:24 am
I’ll have to pass this along to my son and his friends who have clearly been misguided on the use of this statement.
April 11, 2013 at 6:27 am
There does seem to be some mis-information out there, doesn’t there? I like it when people defend it with, “when you say it, it doesn’t have anything to do with homosexuals! It just means something is stupid and bad and lame!” Oh. Oh, well since you put it that way, that’s not offensive in the slightest!
April 11, 2013 at 3:44 am
I get all sour-face, old-lady hostile when I here this being tossed around a circle of teens. I usually just mumble something along the lines of “damn kids” or “idiots”.
April 11, 2013 at 6:28 am
And all this time it was just teens enjoying a healthy appreciation of Miller’s Crossing.
April 11, 2013 at 3:48 am
Shared!
April 11, 2013 at 6:28 am
Excellent. Thanks!
April 11, 2013 at 4:07 am
As one o’ them official certified gays, I would contend that certain activities can safely be described as “gay”.
Examples include musical theatre, the breeding and raising of poodles, recreational basket-weaving, and having sex with a person of the same gender identity.
April 11, 2013 at 5:08 am
This comment made my day.
April 11, 2013 at 6:35 am
I fail to see what’s so gay about “The Mikado”… oh… right. And I really like the image of someone seeing two same-gender people having sex and muttering, “Omigod. That’s, like, so gay.”
April 11, 2013 at 7:20 am
That is awesome!
April 11, 2013 at 9:16 am
LOVE this.
May 3, 2013 at 4:59 am
You’re awesome, and this comment is fantastic. Thanks for the LOL and making me feel a little less alone :3
April 11, 2013 at 4:31 am
I’d like to propose that rock stars be able to say “That’s so gay” whenever they please.
P.S. – Miller’s Crossing IS fantastic.
April 11, 2013 at 5:33 am
Lol! Thank you! I KNEW breeding and raising poodles was gay! Especially those big ones! Wait, is it an either or thing? What if one only raises poodles but doesn’t breed them? Still ok to call gay? Same question, but the dog is something not gay mixed with a poodle, like an, oh I don’t know, labradoodle for example.
April 11, 2013 at 5:44 am
If you bred a poodle to a labradoodle…hmm. I almost know too much about this to make a joke. And all of my jokes seem borderline anyway. I’m sorry for this subpar comment reply. On B Man’s blog, no less. Sigh.
April 11, 2013 at 5:52 am
Lol. I hope you’re HIS only wife so he’s stuck with you still, in spite of your inability to be the best you that you can and usually are. What?
April 11, 2013 at 6:37 am
Remember when (this might be before your time…) Sebastian Bach from the hair-metal band Skid Row wore that t-shirt that said, “AIDS: Kills Fags Dead”? What a charmer. Apparently he’s done some musical theater, now. They must eat him up with a spoon.
April 11, 2013 at 9:16 am
I know who you’re talking about, so 1 point for me! But mostly because he had a part on Gilmore Girls. 1 point for you. I think he should go public with an apology, via a guest spot on Glee. Great idea. 2 points for me! I win!
April 11, 2013 at 9:36 am
Did you see that Glee is doing a School-Shooting episode? Tasteful!
April 11, 2013 at 2:08 pm
That hurts my brain. They’re not going to SING about it, are they?
April 11, 2013 at 2:46 pm
Apparently it revolves around them students talking about their feelings or something, and priorities, and then they hear shots and go in to lockdown and sing about how scared they are and their feelings and priorities. I’m confident that at the end it turns out not to have been an actual shooter – surely they wouldn’t go that far.
April 12, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Of course it was only accidental, but it was an accident involving the girl who has Down Syndrome, so that makes it even classier.
April 11, 2013 at 1:56 pm
Hey Jules! Thanks for the mulitple mentions, albeit unintentional. I was trying unsuccessfully to come up with a witty rejoinder for B-Man’s post, when I came across all of your 1 point references. Perfect! I’ll just jump into the comment stream, get my feet wet, and then leave!
April 11, 2013 at 4:59 am
When I saw the title, I couldn’t imagine. Now that I see the piece, it all makes sense. There are really five times when you can say this.
April 11, 2013 at 6:38 am
It was 4 years of research and another 2 of field testing, but – dammit – I got my blog entry.
April 11, 2013 at 9:18 am
One never thinks when starting out that blogging will become a full-time job.
April 11, 2013 at 5:23 am
I haven’t seen Miller’s Crossing, but apparently Marcia Gay Harden was a character named “Miss Cheevus” in Spy Hard, which also had Andy Griffith as an evil supervillain with no arms, or something. Classic film. Anyway.
April 11, 2013 at 6:40 am
Andy Griffith also played a fantastic villain in a little-seen, but terrific, western spoof called “Rustler’s Rhapsody.” I watched that movie, probably, 10 times when it came out on video, and have never seen it anywhere again.
April 11, 2013 at 5:40 am
Spot on.
April 11, 2013 at 1:07 pm
I try.
April 11, 2013 at 5:48 am
Yes. Oh, yes. The dictionary is full of so many better words to use.
April 11, 2013 at 1:09 pm
Like “maelstrom.” I love that word.
April 11, 2013 at 6:03 pm
And juggernaut.
April 12, 2013 at 6:04 am
Ah, yes. And this one – rodomontade. Some jerk actually had the gall to put that in a crossword puzzle the other day.
April 11, 2013 at 5:49 am
Or, if noticing a beautiful spring day in a park with budding flowers and children traipsing about, laughing sweetly, you can use the classic definition of the word in declaring that the entire scene “is so gay.” However, nobody will know that is what you are doing and will probably just think you are a homophobic asshole. So yeah, scratch that. Your 5 are good.
April 11, 2013 at 6:41 am
Yeah, it’d be pretty much impossible to use it in the classical sense with everyone thinking you’re a sack of crap.
April 11, 2013 at 5:56 am
Whoa this is mind blowing, total makes sense
April 11, 2013 at 5:59 am
True. Very true. I was going to suggest something to do with Gabe Kaplan but I couldn’t come up with anything.
(Miller’s Crossing? Great, yet another movie I haven’t seen…)
April 11, 2013 at 6:43 am
I suppose if you accused Gabe Kaplan of cheating at cards (he’s a big poker player), and he angrily barked “I did not cheat!”, and you started to say, “That so, Gabe?” but he punched you in the face… okay fine. FINE. 6 situations…
April 11, 2013 at 6:42 am
What if you are attempting to write a song about excessive happiness and have been struggling to find a word that rhymes with day.
April 11, 2013 at 1:10 pm
Just end the measure with “Ela-” and start the next one with “-tion.”
April 11, 2013 at 6:45 am
I’m pretty sure these are the ONLY five times …
April 11, 2013 at 1:11 pm
Better safe than sorry…
April 11, 2013 at 6:58 am
Yes, that’s it, Byronics five and and most of the other four from stainedglasz . You are getting mighty close to 10.
April 11, 2013 at 1:11 pm
Then I’d feel like I was intruding on List of X’s turf… I’d need 11.
April 11, 2013 at 7:29 am
I get the sarcasm…and considering the comments about teenagers using the phrase, I hate to sound so dense…but is this really that offensive? Yes, I am genuinely asking for remedial guidance on this because I have used the phrase on occasion.
For example, I wrote a post making fun of myself for watching the “The Bachelor”. In that post I called it “the gayest show ever”.
Is that statement offensive in the context of self deprecating humor? Because in the post I am clearly making fun of myself as much as “The Bachelor”, homosexuals, or online dating…
April 11, 2013 at 9:21 am
Yes. “That’s so gay,” is absolutely offensive, so I wouldn’t use it unless I was hell-bent on making myself look like an asshole.
April 11, 2013 at 10:36 am
Well, responding as someone with no authority on the subject (I’m not even gay, so I can’t give a “from personal experience”)… It seems like, as with so many things, context and intent matter a lot. For example, one can say, “God, you’re a nerd!” and it can be meant in a loving way – it’s teasing, but teasing based on an appreciation of one’s quirks or foibles as a person, as opposed to as a stereotype of a person.
“That’s gay” is often meant, though, as something inherently negative, which makes it inherently insulting. Though it’s a big leap from “nerd” to “gay” there are certainly instances where people use the term in a playful, respectfully-teasing way (see the comment below), and I think that’s why those lines get blurred.
So, I suppose, in many ways your comment about “The Bachelor” might depend on context, how you meant it, etc. Including how your audience would perceive it. For example, South Park used to use the term Jew as an insult to mock Cartman, the character who used the term, but audiences just took it at face value as an insult, thus turning a satirical moment offensive.
That’s all I got at this point. And, again, I’m by no means an authority on the subject. Those are just my thoughts.
April 11, 2013 at 7:45 am
I was just thinking about this last night. A friend and I were seeing who had the gayest music library. I won due to my inclusion of Erasure, Cher, Carly Simon, and Scissor Sisters. I know there’s a great post somewhere in there, but wondering if it would be offensive. Many of my gay friends are cool with it, but I’m still thinking that it coming from a straight guy would not be taken well by a lot of people.
April 11, 2013 at 1:17 pm
I was actually a little apprehensive about this post – it can be a tricky navigation, especially in the non-context, lots of strangers, Internet.
That being said, I can totally picture what you’re describing; and it’s that weird, invisible line between an inclusive teasing and exclusionary insult.
Also: Erasure AND Scissor Sisters? Wow.
April 11, 2013 at 7:29 pm
Haha… There quite a few others that are ga- er, I mean “heterosexually challenged.”
April 12, 2013 at 9:34 am
So this post and little convo here inspired me to replace my regularly scheduled one for today with a new one… http://foodandwinehedonist.com/2013/04/12/rethinking-the-g-word/
April 11, 2013 at 9:28 am
Thanks for this post, B Man! My son and I were just talking about this in the car on the way to school the other day. We were talking about how most of his friends who have grown up in the city, some in neighborhoods with a large percentage of homosexuals, are socially aware and don’t use the phrase, while the kids who commute in from rich, suburban, predominantly white neighborhoods, use it all the time without comprehending its offensiveness. He thanked me for having gay friends, friends of different races, raising him to be socially and culturally aware.
I will be sharing this on Facebook and Twitter because it is so important. Thanks again.
April 11, 2013 at 1:19 pm
Yeah, there’s no cure for bigotry like actually getting to know people, is there.
April 11, 2013 at 11:56 am
To be honest, I teeter-totter between “come ON, lighten up!” and “let’s all make a better effort not to say things once we are aware that they are offensive.” Fortunately, the latter attitude wins out with me, at least most of the time.
(Back in the day when women wore skirts with pantyhose and slips and all, I was at a function and it wasn’t until half-way through the day that a friend bothered to tell me I had a foot of slip hanging down in the back. Some friend! In the same spirit that “friends don’t let friends have a hanging slip”, may I give a hint to XYZ on the your/you’re situation in example #5?)
April 11, 2013 at 1:18 pm
I HATE IT when I do that… thanks for the heads-up.
April 11, 2013 at 1:34 pm
We all do that…and hate it when we do.
April 11, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Thank you for being so sensitive.
April 12, 2013 at 6:45 am
I’m just looking out for the Marcia Gay Harden impressionists of the world.
April 12, 2013 at 6:48 am
What a guy! 😉
April 11, 2013 at 1:35 pm
I think it should also be acceptable to say “that’s so gay” when a rampantly homophobic man admits like to liking something like ballet, just to twist the metaphoric knife a bit.
April 12, 2013 at 6:45 am
Or for that matter, when a politician or preacher demands that homosexuals be locked on an island or something, you should be able to say to them, because A) they almost certainly are gay and B) it will make them panic.
April 12, 2013 at 8:06 am
Exactly. The entertainment value alone is worth it.
April 11, 2013 at 2:21 pm
I mentioned this post to a friend of mine and he slapped me.
So, yep. “That’s so gay!” is offensive but I wish people would let me finish my thought…
April 12, 2013 at 6:44 am
Sorry about that! Maybe you can contact WordPress about some Workman’s comp.
April 11, 2013 at 2:49 pm
I haven’t read blogs in weeks. I had to click this post. It is the first and probably only post I will read today. I was not disappointed. I also physically said “That’s okay” aloud in my best cold nose voice. Luckily there are no homosexual coworkers around me to get offended.
April 12, 2013 at 6:48 am
Well, I’m honored. And yes, probably best to do a quick look-around before field-testing the “That’s okay” one.
April 11, 2013 at 3:53 pm
My oldest daughter is gay, she is 21 and the oldest of my five children. I was the first person she confided in, (besides her girlfriend of course! haha, who is 22yrs old). They moved in with me for about two months and just recently moved out.
I DID at one time ask my daughter if things like that offended her or her gf and she grinned, shook her head and slightly rolled her eyes and said “NO”. She is very secure in who she is and what she feels as well as is her gf. Both of them are loving, sensitive and kind young woman so their “non-offensiveness” does not come from growing calloused.
***They simply don’t care what others think or even say. They want to be treated as any other couple, not set apart where no one can be human and everyone has to walk on eggshells for fear of offending them***They want acceptance and so they give acceptance 🙂 They tend to believe the best in others and when phrases like that are said (and trust me they are, I’ve slipped said it in front of them and they made a joke of it!) they let it go because they are making a wonderful life for themselves and won’t give the time or energy required to be offended.
People are going to say things, even those of us who would never mean any harm.
I’m sure at some point in my daughters life she too has or will say something that could potentially hurt someone who is different than she is in some way. We are people, we do things like that sometimes.
April 11, 2013 at 10:25 pm
I think you can also say it if you’re talking about someone named So Gay. (“Who’s that across the street? Is that Jo Gay?” “No, that’s So Gay”).
April 12, 2013 at 10:16 am
Oh, thank you. For putting your unique B-Man humor to a phrase I want to rip apart with my teeth. Or the throats uttering it. Same dif.
April 12, 2013 at 6:41 pm
Read this the other day, suiting I think
April 13, 2013 at 3:21 am
It was one of my gay friends who had to educate me on this years ago. To break the habit he encouraged me to instead say, “That is so hetero.” For the record: hetro is a pretty good way of dismissing something.
April 13, 2013 at 8:58 am
Wow, that sounds belittling too, doesn’t it? If you asked someone how your outfit looked and they said “That’s so hetero” you’d go change.
April 18, 2013 at 6:54 am
Oh yeah, this is refrigerator material for my household of teenage crumbsnatchers! Number 4 cracked me up!
April 18, 2013 at 10:44 am
I’ve never done being gay right. They only give you one manual, and if you lose it, you’re on your own. (Actually, I’ve always suspected you stole my copy in college.)
May 14, 2013 at 8:06 am
Well, I had to learn how to dress well SOMEhow.
April 22, 2013 at 5:56 am
What if you’re asked to describe happy people frolicking?
April 22, 2013 at 6:22 am
Nope, sadly. Can’t be done without sounding like you’re being insulting. (residents of 1925 get an exemption, though)
April 25, 2013 at 1:32 pm
I’m glad you made an exception for Robert Mapplethorpe shows! That’s a relief.
April 26, 2013 at 6:45 am
Well, we have to be reasonable, really.
May 3, 2013 at 4:55 am
This is effin’ fantastic. 🙂
May 14, 2013 at 7:13 am
#1 and #4 made me laugh out loud in a public place! You, sir, are amazing! 🙂
May 14, 2013 at 8:06 am
Thanks for saying so. Sorry to make you a public spectacle…
May 14, 2013 at 8:08 am
Anytime for something this good!
November 26, 2013 at 10:39 pm
I never let my students get away with this. They’re in high school and smart enough to know better. I’m heartened to see this phrase being used much less often than five years ago when I first started teaching. Love your post. 🙂
January 30, 2014 at 3:07 pm
Reblogged this on Dark Acts Bible: Glass Half Empty, Base Cracked… and commented:
I can’t tell you how many times I heard this idiotic expression (always as much to my surprise the next time as the last) while teaching in both the high school and university classroom. My consistent and dogged response, much to my students’ annoyance, was to rattle off a list of brilliant gay folk, their accomplishments, and then to say, “Now THAT’S ‘gay!'” I like this better… No, I *love* it…
February 3, 2014 at 6:13 am
Thanks for saying so. And you’re welcome to use it – in proper MLA or APA format, of course.
February 3, 2014 at 7:34 am
In all honesty (and with apologies for my lack of humor) the Chicago “Gangland” style manual is much more popular among many students. It’s almost rare to read a paper that hasn’t been, at least, partially lifted from the Web or simply purchased from a ‘paper mill.’ Despite our harping on the ethics of attribution, I can’t tell you how common it’s become for university students to be suspended, and even expelled, for plagiarism. That said, just know that I am working ardently, fervently, and strenuously on ‘loosening up’…
February 2, 2014 at 7:06 pm
This is an extensive list, but you forgot is you walk in on two people of the same gender having sex with each other. That’s pretty gay.