Yeah he’s, uh, he’s not looking good.
* “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.”
* “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.”
* “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages! Do… Do I have to redeem them with you?”
* “Instead of chocolates I got you weight-loss tea. What? You said you wanted to get in shape!”
* “I will now put one cigarette out on my arm for every reason that I love you.”
Well, she would…
* “That is some seriously sexy lingerie. Can you imagine how good Mila Kunis would look in that?”
* “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
* “Sex time now.”
* “They didn’t have 4 Weddings & A Funeral, so I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”
* “I thought it would be fun to re-enact the first Valentine’s day! No, not our first; the first. Oh, of course I won’t literally behead you. Come on.”
* “Hey, isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up?”
The Byronic Man 
February 14, 2013 at 3:27 am
Hahahaha! I love the coupon book…lol!
February 14, 2013 at 8:25 am
People rarely specify who’ll give it. Common error.
February 14, 2013 at 3:34 am
Yes, as long as you’re asking, those jeans DO make your butt look big.
February 14, 2013 at 8:26 am
But I think they’d look good on that woman who just walked by, who – since you’re asking – yes, I think is attractive.
February 14, 2013 at 3:37 am
Very funny! Can you believe I’ve never seen Mila Kunis before? Great name.
February 14, 2013 at 8:26 am
I know, it sounds fake. Like she made it up on the spot.
February 14, 2013 at 3:52 am
I bust out laughing at the Axl Rose caption. I bet every guy in the world would love to get away with using “Sex time now” as foreplay.
February 14, 2013 at 8:38 am
Well, it’s all in HOW you say it.
February 14, 2013 at 3:53 am
OMG that is so wrong about the weight loss tea. I am laughing out loud and I am suposed to be working. LOL! 🙂
February 14, 2013 at 12:01 pm
Excellent. Then my work here is done.
February 14, 2013 at 4:15 am
Peppermeister has actually said one of these exact things to me, but I’m not saying which one.
Reenacting a beheading does sound romantic and AWESOME. God I love decapitations and epidemics/plagues. Sigh. I almost bought this kid’s book last week, “Gruesome Ways Famous Peeps Croaked.” (I may have taken some liberties with that title.) Double sigh.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 14, 2013 at 5:33 am
If he is anything like my husband, it would probably be “Sex time now.” :p
February 14, 2013 at 6:07 am
And then, let me guess, he made you put on a Mila Kunis mask. At least I’m not alone.
February 14, 2013 at 6:14 am
Ah, they are that predictable…though it was sort of fun pretending to be Mila Kunis…
February 14, 2013 at 6:22 am
You’re right. It all worked out in the end. I pretended Peppermeister was Natalie Portman.
February 14, 2013 at 10:04 am
^ Ha– way to go, Jules. Natalie Portman is pretty crush-worthy, even speaking as a chick.
February 14, 2013 at 4:20 am
“7 Heads in a Duffel Bag” seems like it’d go well with the first Valentine’s Day. Not that they had duffel bags back then, but still.
February 14, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Duffel Chariots, maybe. Chain Mail Bags.
February 14, 2013 at 4:41 am
TBM,
Hilarious
mmkng
February 14, 2013 at 5:09 am
Oh, man, do some of these bring back memories!
February 14, 2013 at 12:05 pm
Hopefully, at least, not all of the same Valentine’s Day. Although, that would be pretty epic.
February 14, 2013 at 5:36 am
Shhh, don’t ruin the surprise!!
February 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm
One of my all time great “Should I ruin the surprise” dilemmas: When my wife and I got engaged, I spent God knows how long arranging a surprise party for her afterward. As we were driving back from the mountain where I proposed, toward the party, she said, “I just need to think about all this. I just want to go somewhere, the two of us, and spend time alone.”
Sooo… by that do you mean spend the evening with, literally, everyone you know?
February 14, 2013 at 5:44 am
“Valentine’s Day?”
February 14, 2013 at 12:19 pm
Named for Rudolph Valentino. That or Valencia oranges, I’m not sure.
February 14, 2013 at 6:13 am
Hahaha…how about these ones…?
“Remember that chocolate you asked me to buy for you last week? Happy Valentine’s Day.”
February 14, 2013 at 12:11 pm
Especially if followed with, “We should head to the store so I can get those.”
February 14, 2013 at 7:09 am
You had me at Mila Kunis.
February 14, 2013 at 12:06 pm
I just learned, while finding that photo, that she was 14 when she was cast on That 70’s Show. I am, retroactively, a sleazebag.
February 14, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Ha. Valentine’s Day is the best day to feel like I sleazebag, though…or isn’t it?
February 14, 2013 at 7:24 am
No. 2 works well as a note.
Each letter… thoughtfully hand-cut from magazines and pasted onto a sheet of construction paper…
February 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm
Nothing says “I will always love you” like untraceable text sent from a mailbox without a return address.
February 14, 2013 at 7:40 am
“sex time now” is OK, but be sure NOT to say it until after you give her the (Axl) roses and (diet tea in lieu of) chocolates, or she might get mad. Women are funny creatures like that.
February 14, 2013 at 12:10 pm
That’s why I always clarify, “You’re not going to get all irrational-freaky-menstrual-cycle-chick on me if I do something wrong, are you?” I find that really helps clear the air.
February 14, 2013 at 12:23 pm
And they say men are lousy communicators. Pshaw!
February 14, 2013 at 8:27 am
My guy asked me what I wanted for VD and I said nothing because I really don’t like any holidays. He insisted so we went shopping for a cheap clock. He gave me time in case anyone asks. And that weight loss tea is strong stuff. Do not leave home after drinking it. I’m just saying…
February 14, 2013 at 12:15 pm
I always think those weight-loss things that boast simply melting the fat away never have people wondering how all that liquid will be exiting the body, exactly.
February 14, 2013 at 10:06 am
I can see it already: “Sex time now”– it’s not just for Valentine’s Day anymore! (Aren’t people always saying we should celebrate the true meaning of Valentine’s Day every day of the year? Or is that Christmas?)
February 14, 2013 at 12:16 pm
What a wonderful world it would be if we could take time, every day, to grunt our carnal needs to each other.
February 14, 2013 at 10:55 am
” I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”
“But I don’t even like that movie!”
“I wasn’t referring to a movie…”
February 14, 2013 at 12:17 pm
Very nice.
February 14, 2013 at 11:10 am
“Well, my LAST girlfriend liked it when I did that!”
February 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm
“She was AMAZING.”
February 14, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Bwahaha.
I sent my husband a nice text and signed it Coco. Apparently that’s how autocorrect reads Xoxo.
February 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm
Now see if he comes home saying he’s met someone named Coco who really gets him, and why can’t you be more like her?
February 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm
Indeed. Once when he was texting “I love you,” it autocorrected to Apollo. So apparently Apollo and Coco are having some hot fling…
We should probably learn to type.
February 14, 2013 at 12:55 pm
I’m shocked at your open use of the S word and all this slushy emotional Valentine’s day nonsense. Here in England a man of good character cooks his own kipper at breakfast on valentine’s day, washes the plate himself and waves goodbye more vigorously than usual on his way to work, to express his enormous respect and admiration for his good lady on Valentine’s day. His wife in return puts an extra spoon of tea in the teapot at breakfast and on his return in the evening she is allowed to iron and fold his evening newspaper. Upper lips are a stiff as ever and formal modes of conversation are maintained at all times. I don’t know what you all think you are doing in the former empire colonies, but it all sounds positively unhealthy and unhygienic.
February 14, 2013 at 1:08 pm
I like the idea of ‘Sex time now’. Short and to the point. Not literally, one hopes.
February 14, 2013 at 2:37 pm
I never heard of Mila Kunis before, but a friend posted a picture of himself with her at the opening for the movie “Oz” on his Facebook page today – weird. She must be everywhere!
February 14, 2013 at 7:37 pm
Personally, I would have gone with “Hobo With A Shotgun” but that’s just me.
February 15, 2013 at 3:22 am
You are so dang *smooth*, B-Man. Don’t try to tell me these lines aren’t from your own repertoire–they’ve got your stink, er, mark all over them.
February 15, 2013 at 5:51 am
Axl really does not look good. Wow. My husband said the lotion on its skin line to me on Valentine’s Day. He says it a lot.
February 18, 2013 at 1:11 am
“It rubs the lotion…” Just made me spit the sardines I was chewing. hahahaha
February 18, 2013 at 5:09 am
What’s wrong with “sex time now?” If men are gonna make an effort, we should at least get something in return.
February 22, 2013 at 9:28 am
What’s wrong with “Sex time now”? You mean this isn’t acceptable? No wonder my Valentine this year was virtual.