What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2013



Yeah he's... he's not looking good.

Yeah he’s, uh, he’s not looking good.

* “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.”

* “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.”

* “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages!  Do… Do I have to redeem them with you?”

* “Instead of chocolates I got you weight-loss tea.  What?  You said you wanted to get in shape!”

* “I will now put one cigarette out on my arm for every reason that I love you.”

Well, she would...

Well, she would…

* “That is some seriously sexy lingerie.  Can you imagine how good Mila Kunis would look in that?”

* “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

* “Sex time now.”

* “They didn’t have 4 Weddings & A Funeral, so I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”

* “I thought it would be fun to re-enact the first Valentine’s day!  No, not our first; the first.  Oh, of course I won’t literally behead you.  Come on.”

* “Hey, isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up?”

, ,

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

View all posts by The Byronic Man


Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.

67 Comments on “What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day”

  1. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahahaha! I love the coupon book…lol!


  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    Yes, as long as you’re asking, those jeans DO make your butt look big.


  3. Jason Preater Says:

    Very funny! Can you believe I’ve never seen Mila Kunis before? Great name.


  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I bust out laughing at the Axl Rose caption. I bet every guy in the world would love to get away with using “Sex time now” as foreplay.


  5. LizForADay Says:

    OMG that is so wrong about the weight loss tea. I am laughing out loud and I am suposed to be working. LOL! 🙂


  6. Go Jules Go Says:

    Peppermeister has actually said one of these exact things to me, but I’m not saying which one.

    Reenacting a beheading does sound romantic and AWESOME. God I love decapitations and epidemics/plagues. Sigh. I almost bought this kid’s book last week, “Gruesome Ways Famous Peeps Croaked.” (I may have taken some liberties with that title.) Double sigh.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!


  7. Michael Says:

    “7 Heads in a Duffel Bag” seems like it’d go well with the first Valentine’s Day. Not that they had duffel bags back then, but still.


  8. mmkng Says:



  9. Hippie Cahier Says:

    Oh, man, do some of these bring back memories!


  10. mistyslaws Says:

    Shhh, don’t ruin the surprise!!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      One of my all time great “Should I ruin the surprise” dilemmas: When my wife and I got engaged, I spent God knows how long arranging a surprise party for her afterward. As we were driving back from the mountain where I proposed, toward the party, she said, “I just need to think about all this. I just want to go somewhere, the two of us, and spend time alone.”

      Sooo… by that do you mean spend the evening with, literally, everyone you know?


  11. susielindau Says:

    “Valentine’s Day?”


  12. hiddinsight Says:

    Hahaha…how about these ones…?
    “Remember that chocolate you asked me to buy for you last week? Happy Valentine’s Day.”


  13. TAE Says:

    You had me at Mila Kunis.


  14. spilledinkguy Says:

    No. 2 works well as a note.
    Each letter… thoughtfully hand-cut from magazines and pasted onto a sheet of construction paper…


  15. pegoleg Says:

    “sex time now” is OK, but be sure NOT to say it until after you give her the (Axl) roses and (diet tea in lieu of) chocolates, or she might get mad. Women are funny creatures like that.


  16. Lorna's Voice Says:

    My guy asked me what I wanted for VD and I said nothing because I really don’t like any holidays. He insisted so we went shopping for a cheap clock. He gave me time in case anyone asks. And that weight loss tea is strong stuff. Do not leave home after drinking it. I’m just saying…


  17. Dana Says:

    I can see it already: “Sex time now”– it’s not just for Valentine’s Day anymore! (Aren’t people always saying we should celebrate the true meaning of Valentine’s Day every day of the year? Or is that Christmas?)


  18. List of X Says:

    ” I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”
    “But I don’t even like that movie!”
    “I wasn’t referring to a movie…”


  19. rossmurray1 Says:

    “Well, my LAST girlfriend liked it when I did that!”


  20. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:


    I sent my husband a nice text and signed it Coco. Apparently that’s how autocorrect reads Xoxo.


  21. Richard L Wiseman Says:

    I’m shocked at your open use of the S word and all this slushy emotional Valentine’s day nonsense. Here in England a man of good character cooks his own kipper at breakfast on valentine’s day, washes the plate himself and waves goodbye more vigorously than usual on his way to work, to express his enormous respect and admiration for his good lady on Valentine’s day. His wife in return puts an extra spoon of tea in the teapot at breakfast and on his return in the evening she is allowed to iron and fold his evening newspaper. Upper lips are a stiff as ever and formal modes of conversation are maintained at all times. I don’t know what you all think you are doing in the former empire colonies, but it all sounds positively unhealthy and unhygienic.


  22. beckysaysthings Says:

    I like the idea of ‘Sex time now’. Short and to the point. Not literally, one hopes.


  23. pegoleg Says:

    I never heard of Mila Kunis before, but a friend posted a picture of himself with her at the opening for the movie “Oz” on his Facebook page today – weird. She must be everywhere!


  24. Blogdramedy Says:

    Personally, I would have gone with “Hobo With A Shotgun” but that’s just me.


  25. Sandy Sue Says:

    You are so dang *smooth*, B-Man. Don’t try to tell me these lines aren’t from your own repertoire–they’ve got your stink, er, mark all over them.


  26. JM Randolph Says:

    Axl really does not look good. Wow. My husband said the lotion on its skin line to me on Valentine’s Day. He says it a lot.


  27. Andrea Says:

    “It rubs the lotion…” Just made me spit the sardines I was chewing. hahahaha


  28. The Cutter Says:

    What’s wrong with “sex time now?” If men are gonna make an effort, we should at least get something in return.


  29. becca3416 Says:

    What’s wrong with “Sex time now”? You mean this isn’t acceptable? No wonder my Valentine this year was virtual.



  1. Happy Valentine’s Day! « White Rabbit's Gallery - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  2. Spread Some Love for Endangered Species on Valentine’s Day « Sunset Daily - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  3. Of Roaches and Roses | Misanthropic Muse - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  4. A New Yorker Valentine’s Day | the first casualty - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day […]

  5. Jacquel Rassenworth’s Valentine’s Day Post « The Jacquel Rassenworth Blog - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  6. Poem: ‘No U in I’ « Brandon Bored - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  7. The Three Phases of Valentines Day for New(er) Parents « My Cracked Pot - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  8. Just Another Day and a Carrot Cake Recipe « KandJColorado - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  9. Valentine’s Day Getting Old? | The Treasure Trove - February 14, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  10. On Valentine’s Day! | Deo Volente - February 15, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  11. Casual and Evening Outfits for a Fashionable Valentines Day | The In Between Girls - February 15, 2013

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

  12. Best Wishes On Valentine’s Day! | Deo Volente - February 11, 2014

    […] What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day (thebyronicman.com) […]

Every Time You Leave A Comment, An Angel Gets Its Wings.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: