What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2013

Humor

 

Yeah he's... he's not looking good.

Yeah he’s, uh, he’s not looking good.

* “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.”

* “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.”

* “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages!  Do… Do I have to redeem them with you?”

* “Instead of chocolates I got you weight-loss tea.  What?  You said you wanted to get in shape!”

* “I will now put one cigarette out on my arm for every reason that I love you.”

Well, she would...

Well, she would…

* “That is some seriously sexy lingerie.  Can you imagine how good Mila Kunis would look in that?”

* “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

* “Sex time now.”

* “They didn’t have 4 Weddings & A Funeral, so I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”

* “I thought it would be fun to re-enact the first Valentine’s day!  No, not our first; the first.  Oh, of course I won’t literally behead you.  Come on.”

* “Hey, isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up?”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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67 Comments on “What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day”

  1. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahahaha! I love the coupon book…lol!

    Reply

  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    Yes, as long as you’re asking, those jeans DO make your butt look big.

    Reply

  3. Jason Preater Says:

    Very funny! Can you believe I’ve never seen Mila Kunis before? Great name.

    Reply

  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I bust out laughing at the Axl Rose caption. I bet every guy in the world would love to get away with using “Sex time now” as foreplay.

    Reply

  5. LizForADay Says:

    OMG that is so wrong about the weight loss tea. I am laughing out loud and I am suposed to be working. LOL! 🙂

    Reply

  6. Go Jules Go Says:

    Peppermeister has actually said one of these exact things to me, but I’m not saying which one.

    Reenacting a beheading does sound romantic and AWESOME. God I love decapitations and epidemics/plagues. Sigh. I almost bought this kid’s book last week, “Gruesome Ways Famous Peeps Croaked.” (I may have taken some liberties with that title.) Double sigh.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Reply

  7. Michael Says:

    “7 Heads in a Duffel Bag” seems like it’d go well with the first Valentine’s Day. Not that they had duffel bags back then, but still.

    Reply

  8. mmkng Says:

    TBM,
    Hilarious
    mmkng

    Reply

  9. Hippie Cahier Says:

    Oh, man, do some of these bring back memories!

    Reply

  10. mistyslaws Says:

    Shhh, don’t ruin the surprise!!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      One of my all time great “Should I ruin the surprise” dilemmas: When my wife and I got engaged, I spent God knows how long arranging a surprise party for her afterward. As we were driving back from the mountain where I proposed, toward the party, she said, “I just need to think about all this. I just want to go somewhere, the two of us, and spend time alone.”

      Sooo… by that do you mean spend the evening with, literally, everyone you know?

      Reply

  11. susielindau Says:

    “Valentine’s Day?”

    Reply

  12. hiddinsight Says:

    Hahaha…how about these ones…?
    “Remember that chocolate you asked me to buy for you last week? Happy Valentine’s Day.”

    Reply

  13. TAE Says:

    You had me at Mila Kunis.

    Reply

  14. spilledinkguy Says:

    No. 2 works well as a note.
    Each letter… thoughtfully hand-cut from magazines and pasted onto a sheet of construction paper…

    Reply

  15. pegoleg Says:

    “sex time now” is OK, but be sure NOT to say it until after you give her the (Axl) roses and (diet tea in lieu of) chocolates, or she might get mad. Women are funny creatures like that.

    Reply

  16. Lorna's Voice Says:

    My guy asked me what I wanted for VD and I said nothing because I really don’t like any holidays. He insisted so we went shopping for a cheap clock. He gave me time in case anyone asks. And that weight loss tea is strong stuff. Do not leave home after drinking it. I’m just saying…

    Reply

  17. Dana Says:

    I can see it already: “Sex time now”– it’s not just for Valentine’s Day anymore! (Aren’t people always saying we should celebrate the true meaning of Valentine’s Day every day of the year? Or is that Christmas?)

    Reply

  18. List of X Says:

    ” I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”
    “But I don’t even like that movie!”
    “I wasn’t referring to a movie…”

    Reply

  19. rossmurray1 Says:

    “Well, my LAST girlfriend liked it when I did that!”

    Reply

  20. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:

    Bwahaha.

    I sent my husband a nice text and signed it Coco. Apparently that’s how autocorrect reads Xoxo.

    Reply

  21. Richard L Wiseman Says:

    I’m shocked at your open use of the S word and all this slushy emotional Valentine’s day nonsense. Here in England a man of good character cooks his own kipper at breakfast on valentine’s day, washes the plate himself and waves goodbye more vigorously than usual on his way to work, to express his enormous respect and admiration for his good lady on Valentine’s day. His wife in return puts an extra spoon of tea in the teapot at breakfast and on his return in the evening she is allowed to iron and fold his evening newspaper. Upper lips are a stiff as ever and formal modes of conversation are maintained at all times. I don’t know what you all think you are doing in the former empire colonies, but it all sounds positively unhealthy and unhygienic.

    Reply

  22. beckysaysthings Says:

    I like the idea of ‘Sex time now’. Short and to the point. Not literally, one hopes.

    Reply

  23. pegoleg Says:

    I never heard of Mila Kunis before, but a friend posted a picture of himself with her at the opening for the movie “Oz” on his Facebook page today – weird. She must be everywhere!

    Reply

  24. Blogdramedy Says:

    Personally, I would have gone with “Hobo With A Shotgun” but that’s just me.

    Reply

  25. Sandy Sue Says:

    You are so dang *smooth*, B-Man. Don’t try to tell me these lines aren’t from your own repertoire–they’ve got your stink, er, mark all over them.

    Reply

  26. JM Randolph Says:

    Axl really does not look good. Wow. My husband said the lotion on its skin line to me on Valentine’s Day. He says it a lot.

    Reply

  27. Andrea Says:

    “It rubs the lotion…” Just made me spit the sardines I was chewing. hahahaha

    Reply

  28. The Cutter Says:

    What’s wrong with “sex time now?” If men are gonna make an effort, we should at least get something in return.

    Reply

  29. becca3416 Says:

    What’s wrong with “Sex time now”? You mean this isn’t acceptable? No wonder my Valentine this year was virtual.

    Reply

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