You’re 8 Weeks Old, Kiddo. Time To Learn The Truth Of the World.

December 8, 2012

Humor

The baby is 8 weeks old now, which means it was time for KB’s first round of immunizations on Thursday.  “Some babies fuss and cry throughout the night,” the doctor said, “some cry for a little while and then just want to sleep it off.”  I don’t know what she said after that, because all I could hear in my head was:

Pleasebeasleeperpleasebeasleeperpleasebeasleeperpleasebeasleeperpleasebeasleeperpleasebeasleeper

So they gave her the, approximately, 75 shots in her little legs.  After a moment of “What the…?” she broke out a cry that I like to think she’s been saving for just such a special occasion.  You can almost see the thought process of “Hey, this isn’t ‘hungry’ or ‘lonely’ or ‘bored’ or even ‘I seem to be sitting in something squishy’… this… this F***ING HURTS.”  The cry sounded roughly like this:

WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

KB, in a more innocent time.  before she learned the harsh  truths of the world...

KB, in a more innocent time. before she learned the harsh truths…

But the cry was nothing.  Well, not nothing, it was a giant drill in my ear, but it was nothing to the face.  The big frown, the tears in the eyes, and the sad sad disappointed look of, “This is awful and I hate it and why aren’t you making it better? I only know two people and usually you make it better.”

Then, moments later, she went to sleep…

We tread carefully all evening.  Sleeping.  We ate dinner. Sleeping.  We got ready for bed. Sleeping.  Then, I was stupid and thought “What luck!  She’s a sleeper!”

Cue record scratch.

Ready laugh track.

And yes, less than a minute later:

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

The kid’s got excellent comic timing.

About an hour later she went back to sleep, but would only stay there if being held.  So we’ve taken shifts, trying to keep Baby Hulk from re-emerging.  So it’s been a long couple of days.

But hey, at least it’s over and she’ll never be in a scary, bad situation I can’t make better again…

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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74 Comments on “You’re 8 Weeks Old, Kiddo. Time To Learn The Truth Of the World.”

  1. susielindau Says:

    I hated watching my babies wince with pain. They always looked at me like, “What was that for?” I am glad to hear that you remained brave for her and didn’t faint… 🙂

    Reply

  2. WSW Says:

    Dare to dream. And try not to think about the teenage years even for a moment.

    Reply

  3. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    Hahaha! Let the teething begin!

    Reply

  4. fitzythird Says:

    Been through all of it 3 times and they all have impeccable timing. Fun to see other people going through it and keeping the humor…..All the Best

    Your Pal, Fitzy

    Reply

  5. Go Jules Go Says:

    But… but… LOOK AT HER.

    Holy crap.

    Totally worth it.

    Reply

  6. k8edid Says:

    She is adorable!! I am glad you got through that. There won’t be any more bad times…I swear

    Reply

  7. 1pointperspective Says:

    Love your optimism, though I know you winked as you typed it….or maybe that was a nervous tic…hard to tell from here.

    Reply

  8. 1pointperspective Says:

    By the way, I know you’re sleep deprived, but it’s not fair for Michael over at Hypothetically Writing to have to live with half of my face…hell, it’s not even fair for me to have to live with it, but I don’t have much of a choice.

    Reply

  9. Life With The Top Down Says:

    First things first….KB is beautiful & that imagine is beyond adorable! I love her deep thought finger to the lips and devilish grin … “hmm, what shall I do today to get some attention?”
    The pleading eyes will get your heart every time. My daughter wouldn’t let out a peep, giving the doctor the “I’ll show you” treatment.” She saved her banshee shrills for when she was safe in the car seat and we desperately tried to drive.

    Reply

  10. twindaddy Says:

    I hate the shots. It is the most awful thing to watch the torment those put your child through.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Especially with just no understanding of “Why?” And it gets written in the hard-wiring of your brain. Even now if I have to get a shot I know it’s not really going to hurt, but there’s this part of my brain shrieking, “OH GOD, A SHOT! THIS IS GOING TO BE AGONY! AGONY!”

      Reply

  11. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    My daughter is 14 years old now and I still vividly remember the day of her first immunizations. The nurse said, “I think Mom cried as hard as Baby did.” Yeah, that was the last time anything “bad or scary” ever happened.

    Reply

  12. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:

    8 weeks? That’s the age when everything gets easier. Cue laughter from Canada. But I was told that “the first six weeks with twins are impossible. Then it gets easier…”

    Reply

  13. SnowfoxBandit Says:

    Awww. I bet you’ll be a great dad, though!

    Reply

  14. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Love that photo. She looks like she has a big secret. “Shh…don’t tell anyone, but I’m not a sleeper. They’ll find out soon enough.”

    Reply

  15. skippingstones Says:

    Oh my gosh, what a cutie pie. And I don’t have kids, but I’m pretty sure you’re absolutely right that this is the worst of it. It’s smooth sailing from here on out, buddy.

    Reply

  16. becomingcliche Says:

    Our doc used to prescribe a dose of tylenol an hour before shots. That way it was in their system before they needed it.

    I feel your pain. But you’re right. You will never have to do that again. Not ever. For at least six weeks. You poor things!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Our doc wanted, at least for the first one, to resist tylenol as long as we could to get a gauge of her natural reaction to the shot, and to let her system do the fighting. A logical idea… on paper.

      Reply

  17. Lisha Fink (The Lucky Mom) Says:

    I’m sure she’ll toughen up from looking at the scary lions daily.

    Reply

  18. Barbara Backer-Gray Says:

    Only fifteen more years of shots on occasion, unless she decides to travel in the tropics…
    I always nursed immediately after a shot. Even after circumcision it was like a dog that sees a squirrel, or a cat with a laser light on the floor: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, hurts!hurts!hurts!hurts!hurts!hurts! oh yum, milk.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      When it looked like she’d just sleep for a day afterward my initial thought was, “Hey! Let’s get her ALL the shots! She’s bound to go to the Congo SOME day!” I’m a very bad man.

      Reply

  19. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I love that KB looks like she has a total secret on you that she is about to share with us. It may be that you just let somebody in a white jacket poke steel bits into her tiny little leg. Or maybe she forgot about that already. Maybe she is just letting us in on how she is going to get back at you for that .
    She’s gorgeous and I’m sure she gets her sense of humour from you.

    Reply

  20. Michael Says:

    “What luck, she’s a sleeper” is obviously one of those phrases you should never say, like, “at least it’s not raining”, or “what could possibly go wrong” or “I am invincible!”
    Also, awwwwwwwww. Very cute. I like the little green hat, too. Seems Christmasy.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’ve wondered if you could overload “the fates.” You know, just constantly make those “don’t tempt fate” comments, ’round the clock. “Well, I can’t wait for the coffee to brew because it’s not raining and there’s no way there’ll be a power outage and nothing can stop me because not even God himself could break the coffee maker.” “Time to put on my shoes! And nothing could possible go wrong, because…”

      Reply

  21. cookie5683 Says:

    Awe!! New daddy yumminess!
    I remember those moments, as a mom not a dad cause I’m a woman and all that, praying that my baby would stop crying cause I loved him so deeply. I felt the tears cut right through my heart and then the milk would drop and that was a whole new feeling of pain( I’ll spare you the details).
    Enjoy the smell of her babydom… So short lived are these moments in her life and yours.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s funny because I know that’s true, and I know it’ll all seem like a blur, but while still in these first couple months whenever people say, “Oh, it goes so fast” all I can think is, “No, it doesn’t. It really doesn’t.”

      Reply

  22. The Bumble Files Says:

    I know, I always hated the shots and that feeling that you can’t make it better. It’s a good thing they don’t remember much about being a babe. It sounds like you’re a good parenting team though. These things will make you stronger.

    Reply

  23. mistyslaws Says:

    Yep, totally all down hill after the immunizations. Nothing to worry about now. Nope. Not teething or boys or driving. Just breath a sigh of relief now. Phew.

    Reply

  24. The Bungalow Blog Says:

    Ahem. Dream on, buster. This is only the beginning. But just think about all the super keen stories she’ll be telling when she gets older.

    Reply

  25. Love and Lunchmeat Says:

    Shots are just awful. It’s nice when they’re little though, and holding them makes everything better.

    Reply

  26. speaker7 Says:

    Phew! You got through the worst part. Absolute smooth sailing, easy peasy pie, sugar dumplies rainbow forest fest from now on. I have no idea what I just wrote because my 2.5 year old has been sick for a solid week and I have lost my mind.

    Reply

  27. Elyse Says:

    Don’t worry. It’ll just cost you another year of therapy.

    Reply

  28. Lillian Boyington Says:

    “But hey, at least it’s over and she’ll never be in a scary, bad situation I can’t make better again…”

    this is the most important part, and the biggest reason that you posted the blog in the first place.

    Get used to it Big Guy. This is the first of many times you’ll never be able to save your little girl…….

    Reply

  29. Lily Says:

    The one that killed me was when he couldn’t walk, only crawl and DRAGGED HIS LEG BEHIND HIM after getting those 72 shots. (this was years ago, they must’ve found a few more diseases)

    Glad she’s better, poor poppet!

    Reply

  30. thesinglecell Says:

    Awwww, poor Baby Byronic… she’ll get over it much faster than you will, Daddy-O. Parents must be brave…

    Reply

  31. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    Beautiful baby, Byronic. I know how helpless you must have felt while she got those shots. I felt that way when our oldest daughter had to have 3 (or was it 5?) stitches after she fell (or jumped) off the couch and hit her head on the coffee table. Sorry for the confusion. That sets in, too, after childbirth.
    Enjoy your little girl.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’ve gone over in my head many times the various things I did to myself as a little kid, trying to coach myself that kids get hurt, and they recover. I don’t know it it will calm me, though.

      Reply

  32. aliceatwonderland Says:

    OMG, she is so cute. My baby girl is 8.5 . . . that’s just wrong somehow. Hope she’s feeling better.

    Reply

  33. Valentine Logar Says:

    She is lovely, devilishly so. She is thinking, Dad you will so pay for that one, oh yeah at least 15,000,000 missed curfews, parking by the lake…what else can I think of. Oh yeah, boyfriend with pierced tongue (that ought get him). Yeah Dad, you will so pay for this one.

    But love you Dad, aren’t I your little dumplin’

    Reply

  34. Audrey Says:

    She is such a cutie pie! Glad she’s starting to feel better.
    Bet she learned that comedic timing from her pops!

    Reply

  35. pithypants Says:

    I like her style. A well-timed scream has more impact that being a perpetual screamer. I think that’s a point in the smart-column for her.

    Reply

  36. UndercoverL Says:

    You’re ___ years old, Byronic Man. Time to learn the truth of the world.

    1) You’re an utter a–hole for making her get shots. (Jerk. That’s from her. She told me to say that.) 2) She is plotting revenge, which begins with pooping on your hand, up the back of her onesie, and ends somewhere along the lines of dating a guy with facial piercings and unidentifiable tattoos. That’s what that smile is about. 3) She is the first in an army of disarming children that will melt your heart and kick you in the balls and leave you craving more. 4) Give her mother a nice cup of tea and a foot rub because being a mom is hard.

    I am kidding about number 1. It does get harder, but the rewards get greater. Other than the noise, girls seem to be easier at a young age. Of course, with boys you have to worry about one penis. With girls, you have to worry about them all. 😉

    Good job, man.

    Reply

  37. Sandy Sue Says:

    I really dig KB’s street look with the gangstah hat. Fo sizzle, dawg!

    Reply

  38. Carol O. Says:

    She is adorable! Congratulations!

    Reply

  39. artzent Says:

    She is just plain adorable!!!!!

    Reply

  40. wallpaperwoman Says:

    That is the cutest baby in the cutest hat!

    Reply

  41. Shannon Says:

    LOL “Baby Hulk.” Glad you’re having fun being a dad. It’s awesome having a newborn in the house! (Not like I’m inviting one, or anything. Really. Been there. Done that.)

    Reply

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