Excerpt from a press conference when I am President…
President Me: … and together, as Americans, we can make it work. I’ll now take your questions. Ummm, yes, Samantha.
Samantha: Mr. President, my question is about last week’s Executive Order making Halloween a four-day weekend holiday.
PM: We’ve been over this…
S: Yes, but I’m a little confused about what happens when Halloween falls on, say, a Tuesday.
PM: (rolls eyes) Did you read the mandate? It falls on a Saturday now. Always.
S: You’ve moved Halloween to the “last Saturday of October”?
PM: Of course not. Seriously? Come on. It has to fall on the thirty-first. That’s part of the, I don’t, awesomeness. Tipping in to the darkness of November, and such.
S: But why force it to be on a Saturday?
PM: Well, Samantha, let’s say it falls on a Tuesday, like you said. So, then, what? Everyone goes out on the 28th? That’s lame. You get, you know, three or four trick or treaters, and you’re like, ‘hm, it’s the 28th kid,’ then on the actual day you get three or four more; plus, now it’s a Tuesday night so it’s a work night, and besides – let’s not kid ourselves – you ate most of the candy on the 29th… You see what I’m saying.
S: But, if you haven’t changed it to “the last Saturday of—“
PM: October will now have a series of differentiated added dates in the middle, however many are necessary to achieve two things: one, to make the thirty-first fall on a Saturday and, two, that the Saturday in question is cool, mostly cloudy with enough sun for severe, long shadows, but no rain.
S: Differentiated added…?
PM: Yes. For example, this year October will be 34 days long, with the addition of the eleventeenth, the tenth: parts I and II, and the pi-r-squaredth. We’ve got 50 back-up days ready to go. American can-do spirit at its finest. Other countries work for the calendar, we make it work for us. Hey! I just made that up! Toby, put that on a poster with a picture of… something. Next question? Frank?
Frank: So, if it’s always on a Saturday, why the need to make it a four-day holiday?
PM: It’s the most fun holiday, right? There’s too much to do for just one night, right? Trick or treaters vs. going to a party vs. hanging out downtown in a costume, and so forth. Now, you’ve got Thursday, Friday and Saturday, plus Sunday to rest, and do laundry, or whatever. In my case, do President stuff. Also, we’re going to make Halloween a whole lot scarier.
PM: Well, we’re still working on that. My initial proposal was to release one secret-government-experiment-gone-horribly-awry into the streets each Halloween. But my advisors – who are sissies – said that was impractical, in some cases probably apocalyptic.
F: There are potentially apocalyptic secret government experiments that have gone horribly awry?
PM: Anyway, I’m not sure on the details, but it’ll involve getting back to some old-fashioned scary monster stuff. None of this sparkly vampire bullshit. You conservatives – you like old-fashioned stuff, right? Well, here they go. I’m reaching across the aisle… reaching with a taloned, rotting hand. Other questions? Honestly, I didn’t expect this kind of response. I didn’t get this kind of interrogation over that stupid farm allocation bill. Next question. Frank?