If Elected President, I Will Make Halloween Way Better. That’s My Promise.

October 18, 2012


Excerpt from a press conference when I am President…

President Me: … and together, as Americans, we can make it work.  I’ll now take your questions.  Ummm, yes, Samantha.

Samantha: Mr. President, my question is about last week’s Executive Order making Halloween a four-day weekend holiday.

PM: We’ve been over this…

S: Yes, but I’m a little confused about what happens when Halloween falls on, say, a Tuesday.

PM: (rolls eyes) Did you read the mandate?  It falls on a Saturday now.  Always.

S: You’ve moved Halloween to the “last Saturday of October”?

The Department of Homeland Awesomeness has rated your neighborhood’s spookiness level as “Acceptable.” You may consider adding some fog next year.

PM: Of course not.  Seriously?  Come on.  It has to fall on the thirty-first.  That’s part of the, I don’t, awesomeness.  Tipping in to the darkness of November, and such.

S: But why force it to be on a Saturday?

PM:  Well, Samantha, let’s say it falls on a Tuesday, like you said.  So, then, what?  Everyone goes out on the 28th?  That’s lame.  You get, you know, three or four trick or treaters, and you’re like, ‘hm, it’s the 28th kid,’ then on the actual day you get three or four more; plus, now it’s a Tuesday night so it’s a work night, and besides – let’s not kid ourselves – you ate most of the candy on the 29th…   You see what I’m saying.

S: But, if you haven’t changed it to “the last Saturday of—“

PM: October will now have a series of differentiated added dates in the middle, however many are necessary to achieve two things: one, to make the thirty-first fall on a Saturday and, two, that the Saturday in question is cool, mostly cloudy with enough sun for severe, long shadows, but no rain.

S: Differentiated added…?

OTHER COUNTRIES WORK FOR THE CALENDAR, WE MAKE… really? We’re going with a soaring eagle? Seems kind of… you know… okay, whatever, fine. Eagle.

PM: Yes.  For example, this year October will be 34 days long, with the addition of the eleventeenth, the tenth: parts I and II, and the pi-r-squaredth.  We’ve got 50 back-up days ready to go.  American can-do spirit at its finest.  Other countries work for the calendar, we make it work for us.  Hey!  I just made that up!  Toby, put that on a poster with a picture of… something.  Next question?  Frank?

Frank: So, if it’s always on a Saturday, why the need to make it a four-day holiday?

PM:  It’s the most fun holiday, right?  There’s too much to do for just one night, right?   Trick or treaters vs. going to a party vs. hanging out downtown in a costume, and so forth.  Now, you’ve got Thursday, Friday and Saturday, plus Sunday to rest, and do laundry, or whatever.  In my case, do President stuff.   Also, we’re going to make Halloween a whole lot scarier.

F: How?

PM: Well, we’re still working on that.  My initial proposal was to release one secret-government-experiment-gone-horribly-awry into the streets each Halloween.  But my advisors – who are sissies – said that was impractical, in some cases probably apocalyptic.

F: There are potentially apocalyptic secret government experiments that have gone horribly awry?


PM: No.


This nonsense will get you deported.

PM: Anyway, I’m not sure on the details, but it’ll involve getting back to some old-fashioned scary monster stuff.  None of this sparkly vampire bullshit.  You conservatives – you like old-fashioned stuff, right?  Well, here they go.  I’m reaching across the aisle… reaching with a taloned, rotting hand.  Other questions?  Honestly, I didn’t expect this kind of response.  I didn’t get this kind of interrogation over that stupid farm allocation bill.  Next question.  Frank?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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37 Comments on “If Elected President, I Will Make Halloween Way Better. That’s My Promise.”

  1. Zahra Mayeesha Says:

    LOL. Sorry you don’t get my vote 😛


  2. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Frank has left the building. I saw him in the parking lot and he looked pretty spooked. He could only be consoled by massive doses of Snickers and Kit-Kats.

    The Dept. of Homeland Awesomeness — do they do graveyards, too? 😉


  3. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    OMG What is wrong with Samantha and Frank ..how can people not get it…I don’t even celebrate Halloween and i am so excited about it..October with 34 days..YAY
    hey can you please be president of America and India both ..please do consider the request


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Halloween should be in every country. It’s just a great holiday.

      And I think being president of the US and India would work out great for everyone. Well, Pakistan might not be thrilled, but everyone else.


  4. spilledinkguy Says:

    Your popularity with sparkly vampires just took a hit, Mr. President.


  5. Margie Says:

    Personally, I’d like it if you would make Easter on a fixed date each year too. Your country has that kind of power, right!?


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, this is kind of going on a tangent – but isn’t it weird how Easter is based on the rotation of the moon? The most sacred Christian holiday is determined by such a pagan means.


  6. She's a Maineiac Says:

    You had me with no sparkly vampire bullshit. If you could just somehow make it so my husband had to take the kids out trick or treating so I could just sit back home on my ass and wait for them to bring me free candy, I’d really vote for you.


  7. Fish Out of Water Says:

    Yes, yes, yes. These are the problems that really need solving. I’m so happy to have found a candidate that will get ‘er done. You have my vote.


  8. sj Says:

    Since this is now a government sponsored holiday, costumes and candy will subsidized and/or tax deductible, right?


  9. clemarchives Says:

    I’d campaign for you!

    I think on the exam to become a US citizen you’d need to add a “Do you love Halloween?” question right after “Have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?”


  10. List of X Says:

    Are you going to give a tax cut to the top 1% of vampires?


  11. JM Randolph Says:

    Personally, I think it’s brilliant. You could make a new little rhyme about the months too. One of my kids asked me last night how many days September had and I cruelly laughed at her. “Don’t you know the rhyme?” I said. She stared blankly. “The one that starts, ‘Thirty days hath September…’ ?” Blank stare. Turns to paper. “You just said it has thirty.” So clearly, we already need a new rhyme anyway, and you can work in a whole stanza about the four day Halloween weekend. I’m counting on it.


  12. Go Jules Go Says:

    As 50% of JuJuBees 2012, I fully support this policy despite the fact that I wasn’t consulted. Then again we all know who the brains behind this operation is. I would like to print this on fancy paper with pumpkins on it. That’s how we’re doing policies now. Themed paper.

    My favorite is releasing the experiment fails. That reminds me it’s almost time to bust out the Buffy Halloween episodes. Classic.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “It’s an urgent memo from the White House! It looks like we’re going to war!”
      “What makes you say that?”
      “See? The border of the paper has little dancing tanks and smiling missiles on it.”


  13. pegoleg Says:

    Works for me. What about slutty (vampire, maid, Barbie doll – just fill in the blank) costumes – can we get rid of them, too? If so, you have my vote.


  14. Barbara Backer-Gray Says:

    Love it! It’s brilliant! And absolutely do Easter, too. The more the merrier. Why? Because it’ll take me longer to get old! So I can have more Hallow… hmm … no, never mind, that doesn’t work. Darn!


  15. Angie Z. Says:

    I love the idea of Halloween as a four-day holiday! Love! But, and for some reason I foresee you having a problem with this, you won’t get my vote unless you also promise to ban all naughty/slutty versions of otherwise non-naughty/slutty characters. So no naughty witch, no naughty pirate, no naughty Raggedy Ann doll and especially no naughty candy corn that only consists of an orange headband and a yellow mini skirt the size of a Kit Kat bar.

    Paid for by Citizens for the “I’m Too Old for this Crap” Act.


  16. Laura Says:

    Wait! This plan would make me work an extra day in October. To pad the month out, you’d have to add a Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but only the Thursday and Friday would be holidays.


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