Excerpt from a press conference when I am President…
President Me: … and together, as Americans, we can make it work. I’ll now take your questions. Ummm, yes, Samantha.
Samantha: Mr. President, my question is about last week’s Executive Order making Halloween a four-day weekend holiday.
PM: We’ve been over this…
S: Yes, but I’m a little confused about what happens when Halloween falls on, say, a Tuesday.
PM: (rolls eyes) Did you read the mandate? It falls on a Saturday now. Always.
S: You’ve moved Halloween to the “last Saturday of October”?
The Department of Homeland Awesomeness has rated your neighborhood’s spookiness level as “Acceptable.” You may consider adding some fog next year.
PM: Of course not. Seriously? Come on. It has to fall on the thirty-first. That’s part of the, I don’t, awesomeness. Tipping in to the darkness of November, and such.
S: But why force it to be on a Saturday?
PM: Well, Samantha, let’s say it falls on a Tuesday, like you said. So, then, what? Everyone goes out on the 28th? That’s lame. You get, you know, three or four trick or treaters, and you’re like, ‘hm, it’s the 28th kid,’ then on the actual day you get three or four more; plus, now it’s a Tuesday night so it’s a work night, and besides – let’s not kid ourselves – you ate most of the candy on the 29th… You see what I’m saying.
S: But, if you haven’t changed it to “the last Saturday of—“
PM: October will now have a series of differentiated added dates in the middle, however many are necessary to achieve two things: one, to make the thirty-first fall on a Saturday and, two, that the Saturday in question is cool, mostly cloudy with enough sun for severe, long shadows, but no rain.
S: Differentiated added…?
OTHER COUNTRIES WORK FOR THE CALENDAR, WE MAKE… really? We’re going with a soaring eagle? Seems kind of… you know… okay, whatever, fine. Eagle.
PM: Yes. For example, this year October will be 34 days long, with the addition of the eleventeenth, the tenth: parts I and II, and the pi-r-squaredth. We’ve got 50 back-up days ready to go. American can-do spirit at its finest. Other countries work for the calendar, we make it work for us. Hey! I just made that up! Toby, put that on a poster with a picture of… something. Next question? Frank?
Frank: So, if it’s always on a Saturday, why the need to make it a four-day holiday?
PM: It’s the most fun holiday, right? There’s too much to do for just one night, right? Trick or treaters vs. going to a party vs. hanging out downtown in a costume, and so forth. Now, you’ve got Thursday, Friday and Saturday, plus Sunday to rest, and do laundry, or whatever. In my case, do President stuff. Also, we’re going to make Halloween a whole lot scarier.
F: How?
PM: Well, we’re still working on that. My initial proposal was to release one secret-government-experiment-gone-horribly-awry into the streets each Halloween. But my advisors – who are sissies – said that was impractical, in some cases probably apocalyptic.
F: There are potentially apocalyptic secret government experiments that have gone horribly awry?
(pause)
PM: No.
(pause)
This nonsense will get you deported.
PM: Anyway, I’m not sure on the details, but it’ll involve getting back to some old-fashioned scary monster stuff. None of this sparkly vampire bullshit. You conservatives – you like old-fashioned stuff, right? Well, here they go. I’m reaching across the aisle… reaching with a taloned, rotting hand. Other questions? Honestly, I didn’t expect this kind of response. I didn’t get this kind of interrogation over that stupid farm allocation bill. Next question. Frank?
The Byronic Man 
August 26, 2011 at 7:40 am
LOL. Sorry you don’t get my vote 😛
August 26, 2011 at 10:24 am
Yeah, I probably wouldn’t get mine, either.
October 18, 2012 at 3:18 am
Frank has left the building. I saw him in the parking lot and he looked pretty spooked. He could only be consoled by massive doses of Snickers and Kit-Kats.
The Dept. of Homeland Awesomeness — do they do graveyards, too? 😉
October 18, 2012 at 6:38 am
Of course! They have special machines to make gravestones look old and decaying.
October 18, 2012 at 6:14 am
OMG What is wrong with Samantha and Frank ..how can people not get it…I don’t even celebrate Halloween and i am so excited about it..October with 34 days..YAY
hey can you please be president of America and India both ..please do consider the request
October 18, 2012 at 6:47 am
Halloween should be in every country. It’s just a great holiday.
And I think being president of the US and India would work out great for everyone. Well, Pakistan might not be thrilled, but everyone else.
October 18, 2012 at 6:20 am
Ouch.
Your popularity with sparkly vampires just took a hit, Mr. President.
October 18, 2012 at 6:48 am
Yeah, but what are they gonna do about it? Sulk at me?
Wait, do sparkly vampires vote…?
October 19, 2012 at 5:26 am
I don’t think they do; they never feel like they have a stake in the election. (ba-dum-psh).
October 18, 2012 at 6:40 am
Personally, I’d like it if you would make Easter on a fixed date each year too. Your country has that kind of power, right!?
October 19, 2012 at 6:32 am
You know, this is kind of going on a tangent – but isn’t it weird how Easter is based on the rotation of the moon? The most sacred Christian holiday is determined by such a pagan means.
October 18, 2012 at 6:43 am
You had me with no sparkly vampire bullshit. If you could just somehow make it so my husband had to take the kids out trick or treating so I could just sit back home on my ass and wait for them to bring me free candy, I’d really vote for you.
October 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm
Yes! This is exactly how Halloween should go! No Halloween is complete until I’ve stolen my kid’s candy bars.
Also, congrats on the newborn who’s a great sleeper! Or did you write this post waaaaay in advance?
October 19, 2012 at 6:33 am
Actually, this was one of the very first posts I ever wrote, I just re-posted it. She’s a pretty good sleeper, really, but not that good.
October 19, 2012 at 6:34 am
If’ I’m president I’ll send some marines to get the neighborhood candy with extreme prejudice.
October 18, 2012 at 7:22 am
Yes, yes, yes. These are the problems that really need solving. I’m so happy to have found a candidate that will get ‘er done. You have my vote.
October 19, 2012 at 6:38 am
Wait ’til you see what I’m going to do with 4th of July. It involves nukes.
October 18, 2012 at 7:25 am
Since this is now a government sponsored holiday, costumes and candy will subsidized and/or tax deductible, right?
October 19, 2012 at 6:38 am
Good ones. Lame costumes will invoke an audit.
October 18, 2012 at 7:34 am
I’d campaign for you!
I think on the exam to become a US citizen you’d need to add a “Do you love Halloween?” question right after “Have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?”
October 18, 2012 at 8:23 am
Are you going to give a tax cut to the top 1% of vampires?
October 19, 2012 at 6:39 am
Well of course. They’re the vampire job-creators.
October 18, 2012 at 8:34 am
Personally, I think it’s brilliant. You could make a new little rhyme about the months too. One of my kids asked me last night how many days September had and I cruelly laughed at her. “Don’t you know the rhyme?” I said. She stared blankly. “The one that starts, ‘Thirty days hath September…’ ?” Blank stare. Turns to paper. “You just said it has thirty.” So clearly, we already need a new rhyme anyway, and you can work in a whole stanza about the four day Halloween weekend. I’m counting on it.
October 18, 2012 at 9:48 am
And now I’m counting on it, too.
October 18, 2012 at 11:49 pm
Thirty days hath Septober, April and no wonder all the rest eat peanut butter, except grandma, and she drives a new Buick.
October 19, 2012 at 6:44 am
Hm. 16 days of February, 45 days of July (most of those are July 9 – my birthday), 29 days of September (September 21st knows what it did…), October can vary from 31-80… this is going to be a tough rhyme.
October 18, 2012 at 9:53 am
As 50% of JuJuBees 2012, I fully support this policy despite the fact that I wasn’t consulted. Then again we all know who the brains behind this operation is. I would like to print this on fancy paper with pumpkins on it. That’s how we’re doing policies now. Themed paper.
My favorite is releasing the experiment fails. That reminds me it’s almost time to bust out the Buffy Halloween episodes. Classic.
October 19, 2012 at 6:47 am
“It’s an urgent memo from the White House! It looks like we’re going to war!”
“What makes you say that?”
“See? The border of the paper has little dancing tanks and smiling missiles on it.”
October 18, 2012 at 10:07 am
Works for me. What about slutty (vampire, maid, Barbie doll – just fill in the blank) costumes – can we get rid of them, too? If so, you have my vote.
October 18, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Especially slutty nurse costumes….please, if you want my vote. Thank you.
October 19, 2012 at 6:51 am
I’d want an exemption for women who are shy about their sexuality and Halloween is an excuse to embrace it, as opposed to self-objectifying. I’m not sure what that exemption form would look like, but I’ll get my top people on it. As soon as I get some people and figure out who the top ones are.
October 19, 2012 at 9:46 am
The top ones are the ones who agree with you. All the time.
October 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm
What, you don’t have binders full of women?
October 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Love it! It’s brilliant! And absolutely do Easter, too. The more the merrier. Why? Because it’ll take me longer to get old! So I can have more Hallow… hmm … no, never mind, that doesn’t work. Darn!
October 19, 2012 at 6:52 am
There’s always room for holiday improvement, I say.
October 19, 2012 at 6:06 pm
I love the idea of Halloween as a four-day holiday! Love! But, and for some reason I foresee you having a problem with this, you won’t get my vote unless you also promise to ban all naughty/slutty versions of otherwise non-naughty/slutty characters. So no naughty witch, no naughty pirate, no naughty Raggedy Ann doll and especially no naughty candy corn that only consists of an orange headband and a yellow mini skirt the size of a Kit Kat bar.
Paid for by Citizens for the “I’m Too Old for this Crap” Act.
October 21, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Wait! This plan would make me work an extra day in October. To pad the month out, you’d have to add a Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but only the Thursday and Friday would be holidays.