Okay. So. Well. The political conventions are over and, I’ll be honest, I was a little hurt that neither party made me their presidential candidate for the upcoming election. I know the two main candidates have gotten a lot of hype and media attention, and I’ve decided that the problem is that I haven’t made Joe Citizen aware of my qualifications.
Why should you, please, hire me to be your presidential candidate?
While I’m campaigning I will loudly and repeatedly assert that it is time for a change, because I know people like to be told that. Once I am elected, though, I promise not to, in fact, try and change anything, because I know that actual change scares people.
And lemonade stands? Should be run like car washes.
I believe in running the government like a business. I also believe in running a business a like a school, running health care like a church, and running a lawn-mower like a dish-washer.
You should know that, as a candidate, I believe in freedom. I will stand by that, even in the face of people who accuse me of supporting something so whole-heartedly.
This is certainly not to imply that the other candidates despise freedom and the nation and have, for some reason, chosen a political career expressly for the purpose of destroying the nation and sending you – personally – into a hell of misery and dependency… but if you infer that from my slogan, you have the right and freedom to do so. Because I believe in the freedom to be free with your freedom.
I’m no flip-flopper. I base my opinions on gut-feeling and will never change them about anything, even if circumstances change, or I learn so-called “facts” that suggest my opinions are staggeringly stupid.
I’m a political outsider. Many politicians claim that, and then you find out they have “experience” and “connections” and “understand the political process.” I have never held an elected position of any kind and have no idea how the government works. That is my promise to you.
Hm, these unflattering photos with vague, inflammatory, out-of-context accusations make an interesting point, though…
I will never stoop to negative campaigning, unlike certain despicable, low-life, lying candidates I could name. If independent groups with vaguely patriotic names – groups I have no knowledge of or affiliation with – decide to run ignorant, vicious ads, well, there’s just nothing I can do to stop them.
I will pick a vice-presidential candidate who is photogenic, funny, and quite possibly clinically insane. I’m not sure why Americans go for this but, hey, who am I to rock the boat.
I will make promises that go way, way, way beyond what presidential powers include, and what the logistics of time and space render possible. I will promise to fix everything immediately for everyone – even the things that contradict the other things.
I will drop the “by” from my name, if that’ll make it easier for 3-syllable chants. “RON-IC-MAN! RON-IC-MAN! RON-IC-MAN!” Like that.
Have I mentioned freedom? That I’m for it? I have? Oh, good.
The Byronic Man 
September 10, 2012 at 3:23 am
Hey, I’ll vote for you.
September 10, 2012 at 6:23 am
That’s one!
September 10, 2012 at 3:37 am
Yeah, why not
September 10, 2012 at 6:24 am
I’m up to two votes already. This thing’s in the bag.
September 10, 2012 at 3:51 am
As usual, you make a compelling case for your candidacy. I should warn you, you’ll have less time for blogging about anything else, as you’ll have to start working on your re-election 15 minutes after winning.
September 10, 2012 at 6:30 am
Oh, at this point I’m not even thinking about things like that. Once I’m a candidate, then I’ll start focusing on election, re-election and high-priced post-presidency speaking gigs.
September 10, 2012 at 3:54 am
I notice you have blatantly omitted any references to roller derby or the cross-stitch lobby. What are you hiding?
September 10, 2012 at 6:30 am
Somebody pay this lady off!
September 10, 2012 at 4:51 am
Where is your flag pin?!? I can’t support you if you don’t wear a flag pin as big as the flag flying above Capitol Hill.
September 10, 2012 at 6:32 am
Oh, I know – flag pins. That’s how you know who actually cares about their country and culture. The pin.
September 10, 2012 at 5:28 am
I would vote for you. Of course that won’t do you any good unless you wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada.
September 10, 2012 at 6:32 am
I’m not choosy.
September 10, 2012 at 5:37 am
Well I’m sold, Ronicman.
September 10, 2012 at 6:35 am
It almost sounds like “Ron Ickman,” which would be a terrible name to have if your dream was to teach grade school.
September 10, 2012 at 6:37 am
Where do you stand on the issue of whether gay military people who perform abortions can get married?
September 10, 2012 at 11:41 am
I firmly, passionately, resolutely believe whatever you believe.
September 10, 2012 at 7:29 am
So…you’re saying Jules is your running mate?
O.o
September 10, 2012 at 7:35 am
Bahahaha!
September 10, 2012 at 7:43 am
Whaaaaat I was just making sure no one already left that comment and then BAM. SJ, I’d be mad that you stole my thunder, but I’m busy trying to figure out exactly what Ronic Man meant by “clinically insane.”
Do I have to prove that beyond talking to stuffed chipmunks and eating Hot Pockets [even though I KNOW they’re made of sadness and regret]?
September 10, 2012 at 7:52 am
Grr. I’m back again. Because that sounded really self-centered (and I don’t want to compromise Ronic Man’s chances in the race). I meant, I wanted to see if anyone left a comment about THEMSELVES being the running mate.
September 10, 2012 at 7:55 am
Well, as soon as I read he was throwing his hat in the ring I assumed you’d be his go-to-running mate. Dur.
The fact that he added that whole clinically insane bit was just a bonus.
September 10, 2012 at 10:22 am
That was precisely when I knew he was talking about me. I believe yesterday he implied I was “special.” And not in the good way. A sane person would never stand for that.
JuJuBees-4-Prez.
September 10, 2012 at 11:42 am
JULES WANTS TO BE MY RUNNING MATE, EVERYBODY!
September 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm
I’m really worried about campaigning with such an alarmist.
But I’m in if “JuJu” still comes before “Bees.”
September 10, 2012 at 11:43 am
“JU-JU-B” does have 3 syllables… it could work.
September 10, 2012 at 7:36 am
You know what I hate? Political candidates who are too good at rhetoric. As a blogger you know how to make the talking too well. I demand a president as illiterate as I am!!!
September 10, 2012 at 11:43 am
I gots a vocal coach trainin’ me to sound like a reg’lar fella, fer just that problem.
September 10, 2012 at 7:48 am
This was so great. The only thing The Daily Show is missing right now is Ronic Man. And I never let “facts” stand in the way of anything I believe. (Wow, I should not have put those two sentences back-to-back.)
September 10, 2012 at 7:54 am
Heh, I was recounting a recent Dad Story to my husband last night and prefaced the final part with “I could be totally making this part up,” because I couldn’t remember if it was something my dad had actually said, or if I was almost positive that was how it had happened and he just hadn’t mentioned it.
This is my new thing, I can get away with saying ANYTHING on the internet as long as I slip in “I could be totally making this up.”
Facts, schmacts.
September 10, 2012 at 11:02 am
I prefer ‘truthiness’ (I think Steven Cobert coined that term…)
September 10, 2012 at 11:45 am
“The only thing the Daily Show right now is Ronic Man.” I think so, too.
I’m available, Mr. Stewart! Don’t be afraid to call!
September 10, 2012 at 8:10 am
I think you might need a super pac…or, in your case, a super duper pac. Better get pac’in…
September 10, 2012 at 11:48 am
I purchased an old “Super Pac-Man” video game before I realized it was an acronym…
September 10, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Sounds like you’re well on your way! I expect to see you on the ballot…or at least at the ballet. 😉
September 10, 2012 at 8:25 am
I’ll vote for you Ronic Man! I’ll start making buttons and posters and a vlog and commercial and t-shirts and bumper stickers and ….
September 10, 2012 at 11:49 am
Don’t forget to also spread terrible lies about the other candidates that I can pretend to be shocked to hear are being spread.
September 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Send me an email with your list…
September 10, 2012 at 9:15 am
Hmm, yeah but what’s in it for me?? I haven’t heard anything about how you will make MY life better and how the other guy will actually enact policies that will destroy society and humanity as a whole? How can I judge who to vote for if you don’t provided vaguely detailed promises of how you will do things just for my subset of economic and social class? And go on and on about how the other guy is the devil incarnate?
B . . . I’m just not sure you understand how to be a good leader.
September 10, 2012 at 9:45 am
As above, my vote wouldn’t really help you unless you want to be Prime Minister of Canada. But I think your stump speech is sufficiently vague enough you should be able to garner a lot of support from people who don’t know what they want & so they will assume you are able to provide it.
September 10, 2012 at 11:50 am
In short: Me = everything you’ve ever wanted in life showered upon you. Other candidates = fiery death.
September 10, 2012 at 10:29 am
that is absolutely hilarious! My 17 year old was doing a paper on satire, I am going to show him this because I HATE Family Guy and that is his favorite example
September 10, 2012 at 11:52 am
Excellent – yeah, there’s so much better satire out there than Family Guy. It can have its moments of genuine satire, but it’s pretty simplistic.
Plus, if he uses this for a paper I can say I’ve already done more for education than most past presidential candidates!
September 10, 2012 at 11:05 am
Ron Ickman! RON ICK MAN!! JU JU BES! JU JU BES!
September 10, 2012 at 11:53 am
But shouldn’t the “B” come first in this situation? Although “Be Ju Ju” sounds kind of awful… it’s a 3-syllable-chant conundrum!
September 10, 2012 at 1:24 pm
You’ve got my vote! You’re qualifications FAR exceed the other candidiates! 🙂
September 11, 2012 at 6:29 am
Although I, actually, don’t have a birth certificate. It was lost in a fire years ago. Let the conspiracy theories commence!
September 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm
Lol I was going to make the same comment about Jules. Can there be a vice-vice-assistant to the vice president? I don’t want to do any work, I just want to look pretty and be half cut all the time.
September 11, 2012 at 6:30 am
You can be Secretary of The Interior. No one’s exactly sure what they do, so maybe no one will notice if it doesn’t get done.
September 10, 2012 at 6:52 pm
OK, I’m a victim of mass-media hype. I’m voting for Ron-ick and his clinically-insane running mate, Jules.
September 11, 2012 at 6:33 am
That can be how I introduce her. “Biden may be a profanity-spewing loose cannon, Palin might not know what Europe is, Ryan may think the programs that are responsible for his personal and family success are evil for anyone else to use… but my running mate is, in fact, literally insane! I have documentation!”
September 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Perfect! 🙂
September 10, 2012 at 7:29 pm
I would vote, but I need to know where you stand on apathy.
September 11, 2012 at 6:33 am
Meh.
September 10, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Sorry, I can’t commit to voting for you until I hear your wife argue convincingly that she loves you.
September 11, 2012 at 6:34 am
Ooh, good point. Well, she does. She has the frozen smile to prove it. She also stands with me and forgives me for future scandals.
September 11, 2012 at 2:53 am
I think you’ve covered all the important issues. Do you have yard signs?
September 11, 2012 at 6:35 am
I recommend spray painting things. Lawns. Walls. Cars. Windows.
September 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm
You have my vote. And by my “vote” I mean I’ll smile when I see your commercials and maybe write your name on my belly for my blog.
September 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm
I read: Ron…ick, man!
And wondered…who’s Ron? And what did he do to warrant an ick” 😉
September 11, 2012 at 11:53 pm
I reblogged an article from A New York paper where the writer claimed Mitt Romney was Byronic. He’s not handsome, charming or literate. I apologise.
September 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm
“I have never held an elected position of any kind and have no idea how the government works. That is my promise to you.” My vote is all yours now because this was damn funny.
Do you have an accent? Need an accent. Get one quick. Something that says, “I’m backwoods. PS My mom was a single-parent coal miner.” Politics birthed my career and I spent a good deal of my past life with some savvy politicians in my state. I was always intrigued by how their accents would form when they stepped in front of the cattle ranchers. (Note: We don’t have accents in Nebraska.) Interestingly enough, these accents would tend to fade when the Bar Association luncheon rolled around.
September 13, 2012 at 6:38 am
Remember how John Kerry had to be trained to drop his “g’s”? As in “Talkin’ ’bout creatin’ jobs.” He had to have vocal coaching to sound less literate, and thus more electable to the highest office of power. Ah, I see great things on the horizon for the US…
September 13, 2012 at 8:35 am
That makes perfect sense to me. If you’re intelligent and well spoken, you’re obviously an elitist.
September 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm
I’ve nominated you, not for presidency, but for the Lovely Blog Award! You can check out the scoop on my blog and do whatever you want with it. Except don’t crumple it up and toss it in the trash…that would be mean. Just wanted to let you know I think you’re tops!
September 16, 2012 at 10:10 pm
I’d vote for you, too! With the votes you got promised in the comments already you should have this election in the bag. Yes, maybe 20-30 votes doesn’t sound like a lot, but once you could strategically place these people across the swing states that would win the election. So let’s start thinking about your re-election! Four More! Ron-Ic-Man! Four More! Ron-Ic-Man!…Okay, let’s not start thinking about your re-election.
September 16, 2012 at 10:10 pm
I’d vote for you, too! With the votes you got promised in the comments already you should have this election in the bag. Yes, maybe 20-30 votes doesn’t sound like a lot, but once you strategically place these people across the swing states that would win the election. So let’s start thinking about your re-election! Four More! Ron-Ic-Man! Four More! Ron-Ic-Man!…Okay, let’s not start thinking about your re-election.