Howdy, Laksehore High Panthers! I hope you had a great summer and are ready for another year of Panther Pride! RAAWR!
As you’re getting ready to put away the flip-flops and break out the new school shoes, here’s lots of good news and a few tips to help you prepare for how to make the coming year the best ever.
You may recall last year’s “Keep it Clean, Lakeshore Panthers!” campaign, after the custodial staff was laid off. We were disappointed how few students took the initiative to not get sick (although seeing all those CDC helicopters flying in was pretty neat, wasn’t it?), so this year we’re offering a few specific tips:
- Avoid the restrooms unless… no, no, just avoid the restrooms. Especially the one in E-hall. The less said about E-hall, the better.
- Avoid touching the desks after second period. That way, the germs left by kids in the morning have time to die of old age before the next morning. (we checked with the Science Department to make sure that’s how it works, but unfortunately our textbooks aren’t current enough to cover the existence of “germs”)
- Students who appear to be ill should be shunned with extreme initiative.
Don’t you love taking classes with your friends? Well, good news, Panthers! Classes now average 55-60 students each! The odds of not having friends in class with you are almost nil! It will also be a great way to get peer help on assignments. We’re recommending not talking to the teachers unless absolutely necessary because, frankly, many of them already look ready to snap.
Great news, weird, arty kids! We’ve managed to save the arts programs by incorporating them into other classes. Art, for example, will now be part of Geometry class. Students who’ve signed up for art will be allowed to, say, put a little guy skiing down the side of the isosceles triangle. Drama will be incorporated into PE.
Thanks to Prop 94, teachers must now teach according to political party platforms. Sudents, double-check your schedules to make sure you’re lined up with the proper instructors to avoid being exposed to new ideas that don’t fit with what you already think.
More great news! We won our lawsuit regarding the nutritional content of school lunches. From now on, lard will be considered protein, on the reasoning that it comes from animals. Or in our case, Larrd™, the petroleum-based lard substitute we’ll be using.
I know we were all disappointed with last year’s state testing results, leading our school to be classified as “Mentally Toxic.” In response to this, we have brought in grief-counselors for students who feel who their self-esteem might be impacted, while we look for easier standardized tests to take. In the meantime, we have eliminated all curricula that doesn’t directly relate to passing the test in core classes.
Please remember, Panthers, to drink at least 7 soft drinks a day from our vending machines. In an act of generosity that can only be described as “heroic,” the Insulin Shock Cola company has agreed to donate 1/5th of one cent for every soda bought from the school vending machines, and all they’ve asked in return is that we aggressively push their product on thousands of impressionable adolescents! Wow! Thank You notes are encouraged.
Well, I think that’s it! And welcome Back! Oh, also we had to eliminate the English Department to cut costs. Books are dead, anyway, right? Okay, that’s it. Go Panthers!
Click here to read “Welcome Back, Teachers!”