Welcome Back, Teachers!

September 1, 2011

Humor

Dear Teachers,

Welcome back, staff of Lakeshore High!  I hope you had a terrific summer and that you’re excited for another great year!  Remember how important your job is, and that our community respects and appreciates what you do here.  Some of you may be feeling discouraged after last week’s “Teachers are Lazy, Inept, Leeches Who Are Ruining the Country” rally, but I would suggest that that rally wasn’t nearly as well attended as the news said it was.  It was definitely smaller than last month’s “Teachers Are Bigger Corrupters Of Children Than Heroin, Prostitution, and Video Games, Combined” rally, and that, frankly, wasn’t all that impressive, I didn’t think.  Look at it this way: just think how many people in the area didn’t go to the rally.  Now that’s a lot of people!

Remember what happened in Cairo? Now those were big rallies! Let's keep some perspective.

Also, of course, many of you are no doubt concerned about the sweeping budget cuts.  We’re very proud to say we’ve managed to figure out a system that makes almost no cuts to core programs!

We’ve had to make some pretty creative changes – such as the newly combined P.E. and Art department, “Physical Art-ucation” – but most of the cuts we’ve had to make can either be compensated for by teachers taking on more volunteer duties (A lot more.  Seriously.  A lot.), and by making cuts that the general public won’t even notice, such as staff layoffs, eliminating all programs for needy students, gifted students, disenfranchised students, those weird students (you know who I mean) and all college prep, as well as turning off the electricity except during the 30 minutes in the middle of each class, when computer and light usage is at its highest demand.

You're going to want to try and get a good 8 or 9 usages out of each wipe.

I know some of you are concerned about rampant filth and disease now that we’ve had to eliminate the custodial staff, but I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you look in your mailbox, where you’ll find a free (free!) box of handi-wipes, and a poster saying “Keep It Clean, Lakeshore Panthers!” for you to put in your classroom.

Below is the schedule for the first day back.  Let’s make this the best year ever!  That’s not a request.  Go Panthers!

7:30 – All teachers report to their classrooms.  Time allotted for staff to stare vacantly, accept that break is over, and psych up/weep quietly (depending on need) for the coming year.

7:40 – Department meetings to review, and work on strategies for passing, the 15 new standardized tests students must take this year, all of which are tied to funding, graduation, and your job.

8:45 – Class lists will be posted online.  Staff, same as last year, please, close your doors when you count how many students are in each of your classes; that kind of language is really inappropriate to a professional workplace.

Your new Health Insurance package! It has gauze!

10:00 – Staff meeting to go over the “revised” salary and benefits package. Remember Lakeshore Panthers, you didn’t get in to this profession for the money, you did it because you love what you do.  You might consider repeating this to yourself over and over during this meeting.

11:30 – Lunch break. (You might want to have a soda or two!  In exchange for putting soda machines in every classroom, and requiring students to drink 3 a day under threat of expulsion, the cola conglomerate has graciously offered to donate ¼ of one cent to the school for every bottle purchased!)

11:45 – Orientation for all newly combined departments. (*note: Mrs. Wendsworth, your newly created mega-class “All Languages That Aren’t English” that was supposed to meet in the gym has been canceled.  We’re pretty sure that other languages are just a fad.  Your students have been placed in English/Language Arts classes because English is a perfectly good language, right?  Right.  Obviously, this means you’ve been laid off.  Enjoy the sunshine!)

1:00 – Mandatory “Why Giving Female Students Backrubs Is Not Appropriate” training.  And let’s all thank Mr. Wilson that we have to do this one.

2:30 – Prep time to work on meaningful lessons that will develop critical thinking, multi-stage logic, and complex writing skills.

2:45 – End of work day.  You’re welcome to stay and continue working, but the power will be shut off.  Also, there’s a community rally scheduled for 3:00 in the parking lot that, well, you might not want to be here for.

 

Photo Credits:

  1. “Angry Demonstrating Mob.  Cairo, Egypt. Friday 28 January” by hhesterr. Flickr
  2. “Handi Wipes.” by PNASH.  Flickr
  3. “First Aid Kit” by ydshu. Flickr
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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10 Comments on “Welcome Back, Teachers!”

  1. becomingcliche Says:

    I am so glad that I follow this blog. Thanks for the laughs.

    Reply

  2. Blogdramedy Says:

    If any of your readers want to be teachers, and after reading this post are still determined to teach, those are the people I would have liked as teachers when I was in high school. Because…they are either dedicated to furthering a child’s education or totally insane. Either way, it would have made for a fun four years. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Love this. I wish we lived in a world where it was pure comic conjecture (like Far Side) instead of responsive to actual @$%! happening in our schools, but it’s a nice to laugh instead of cry. For a moment!

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      It was surprisingly cathartic to write. Funnily enough, my intention was actually to take a break from my usual wise-assery and just kind of write about how bad things are right now; how much pessimism and dread I’m feeling about teaching. And when I sat down, this is what came out. Go figure!

      Reply

  4. tinkerbelle86 Says:

    bryon ive only just come across your blog but its really amused me so thank you!!

    Reply

  5. pegoleg Says:

    I noticed the first day back is jam-packed with no actual teaching! THAT is what’s wrong with the school system today, and is why I will be attending today’s “Teachers carry bubonic plague” rally.

    Reply

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