I have a, let’s say, complicated relationship with the 4th of July – Independence Day. On one hand, I love what it stands for. On the other hand? Worst holiday of the year. So today and tomorrow, I offer a point/counterpoint with myself on the best, and worst, of our Independence Day.
Today: Why it’s the worst holiday of the year.
“My country ’tis of thee…!”
I think my mixed feeling about Independence day is best embodied by the 4th of July the first year we moved in to our house.
The patriotic residents of a house across the street had decided to dedicate the whole day to celebrating freedom. It was around 2:00pm, while one of the stalwart residents was showing a young child how to hold a lit bottle-rocket when, somehow, one of their rockets landed in the dry brush of the 90-year-old woman’s house next door, and a fire started! Well, when Mrs. Byronic and I went over to put the fire out, these selfless citizens joined in with a cereal bowl full of water, and then by watching us.
They, perhaps a bit discouraged by starting a fire, decided to refrain from explosives for the rest of the day. It saddened me, I must admit, to see their democratic fervor so easily tempered. But I needn’t have worried. The enemies of freedom would be wise to learn that American pride is not so easily squelched! It wasn’t an hour or two later before more people had come to join the celebration and more, bigger, fireworks were being set off! Hurrah!
Sometimes we all need a little roman candle, and a little screamed obscenity to remind us what’s really important.
These brave patriots made sure that everyone around them understood the importance of the day through several acts, primarily through shooting bottle-rockets at passing cars shouting timeless phrases from our historical founders, such as Patrick Henry’s immortal quote, “F*** you!” and the always quotable Ben Franklin’s, “Get a new car, asshole!”. It was still daylight, so there was no “rockets’ red glare” but the motorists got the point. Then… I’m sorry, I must pause for moment. The kindness and spirit of the moment was almost too much.
Okay. Then, perhaps concerned that those around them were letting the momentous day slip by without proper reflection, they sent a wake-up call by – it would turn out – setting fire to four people’s homes and property with their bottle-rockets.
Including ours.
After dousing the fire on our deck I went over to show my gratitude. In a display of wonderful role-modeling for their young boy, they showed the same quick-thinking that enabled the revolutionaries to evade the British by saying that, though they were holding fireworks in their hands (and one guy was hitting a roman candle with a hammer for some reason) that they had not been firing fireworks, but rather the neighbors in the seemingly empty house behind them had been. I said that if they happened to see these “neighbors” could they let them know that they had just set my deck on fire? At this point, a young woman offered me advice that I’ll never forget: If my deck was on fire, she said, I should “probably hose that shit down.”
You KNOW it’s their favorite holiday. Getting to see all the people, trying to track down missing pets…
Wise counsel, young lady. Wise counsel.
While I was doing this, several neighbors phoned some of our civil servants – the police and fire departments, specifically – in order to show our gratitude for all they do. These civil servants got together with the brave patriots across the street and discussed several things I missed out on. I had to retreat to my deck and think about the grandeur of it all.
Tomorrow: Why Independence Day is great.
The Byronic Man 
July 2, 2012 at 3:37 am
Some of the ‘best’ injuries happen on Australia day…people get drunk and play cricket…then they climb on the roof to fetch the ball and are by this time, usually drunk enough to jump off said roof…confident that they will land on both feet. Which they do! Then they break them :s
July 2, 2012 at 10:06 am
It seems like most “Let’s celebrate our country” holidays involve showcasing stupidity.
July 2, 2012 at 4:17 am
Do we have the same neighbors? Our patriotic crack pots don’t even VOTE for god sakes, yet look out on the 4th of July when they drape their house in flags, fill their house with beer and wrap it all up with the DREADED firework display to “celebrate” their freedom. I’m just waiting for them to MOVE so I can celebrate mine!
July 2, 2012 at 10:07 am
Ours moved, thankfully. They were renters, and the owners seem to have a bizarre screening process – most of our neighbors are great, but that house has featured a parade of awful people. New people have just moved in. They’ve been very quiet, and have even done some yard work. I assume they’re arms dealers or something.
July 2, 2012 at 3:03 pm
You are so lucky they moved! I’m waiting for a missile to just make this house go away. They inherited the house…it was FREE.
No doubt those quiet yard workers are up to something..very suspicious.
July 2, 2012 at 8:02 pm
I love the comments and am so glad for you that they moved. Your new neighbors are probably drug dealers! One year, the bottle rocket my husband was shooting off in my sister’s cul-de-sac, tipped. It headed straight across the street, through the neighbors 2 vehicles in the driveway, through their garage door, and into the back wall of the garage! A nice $500 later for just 1 panel of their garage – which they love because it’s got windows in it – and let’s say I am against shooting them off ourselves. It was several years before my husband finished that pile of fire works off, and he did from our back yard, with no houses behind us – many vacant lots waiting to be built on.
July 2, 2012 at 4:37 am
Ah, yes. Happy Pyrotechnics in the Hands of Morons day!
July 2, 2012 at 8:27 am
Perfect description! LOL
July 2, 2012 at 10:08 am
I like to picture the English watching YouTube videos of us and saying, “THESE people?? THESE people beat the British army??”
July 2, 2012 at 4:46 am
Wow, are you certain you don’t live in Texas? I thought we had a strangle hold on ignorant Rednecks here. My neighborhood actually has rules against fireworks because of the heat and dry grass, does anyone listen? Ah, that would be no, why would they. My next door neighbor, the secretary of the Neighborhood Committee is actually one of the worst offenders, her family throwing parties to see what fires can be set…gad. One of these days, guns, bottle rockets and flags.
July 2, 2012 at 4:54 am
Oh no, Val. I do believe Maine is the capitol of ignorant rednecks…
July 2, 2012 at 7:58 am
Well, Florida has a pretty good collection of ignorant rednecks, usually proudly on display. I’ll be in Michigan – and there’s no shortage there, either.
July 2, 2012 at 8:06 am
Me too, Katy! Which portion of the state will you be occupying?
July 2, 2012 at 8:19 am
Lansing, Clare, Hillsdale/Jackson area. All in 4 days. It will be a whirlwind tour – maybe good practice for a book tour? Should that ever come to pass. My doctor does not want me to travel after my surgery August 1, so this might be my only respite of the summer.
July 2, 2012 at 8:21 am
I’ll be driving through Lansing on the 4th – when will you be there?
July 2, 2012 at 8:22 am
Late afternoon, I think. Will have to check with my tour manager.
July 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm
I’m have my family and you’ll have the tour manager, but…dare I say this…want to try to meet for coffee?
July 2, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Okay – here’s the deal. We land in Detroit, I think around 11:30. Old What’s His Name will want to eat lunch before we head to Lansing. If you are going to be on that side of the state – that would work. Otherwise, we’d probably get to Lansing area mid-afternoon. Would love to try, anyway.
July 4, 2012 at 9:54 am
Hope you all are able to get together.
July 2, 2012 at 6:21 am
No, I’m pretty certain Val is right on. Last year — during the driest, longest drought on record, complete with burn bans, fireworks being illegal, serious dryness all around — folks were still shooting off their bottle rockets the wee hours of the morning as if it’s was okay, just this once. We couldn’t sleep for the hours-long truck sirens as all units were out dousing flames. Seriously. I wish our rednecks would MOVE to Maine.
That was a truly funny account of an otherwise tragic story, Byronic. That’s a bummer it happened.
July 2, 2012 at 10:09 am
America is truly the melting pot of drunken, ignorant pyros, isn’t it?
July 2, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Yes, truly it is. Can’t wait for the 4th when the ijits come out.
July 2, 2012 at 4:51 am
This makes me so happy with my decision to live on a boat.
July 2, 2012 at 10:10 am
At least until the new “Freedom Blaster Torpedo” fireworks are made legal.
July 2, 2012 at 4:52 am
How do you convey what would have the rest of us sputtering obscenities in such a gently humorous way? Brilliant.
July 2, 2012 at 10:11 am
Via a lengthy revision process. You should see the first draft. It’s like an angry letter to the editor from someone who lives “off the grid.”
Thanks for saying so.
July 2, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Really? This is comforting. I just thought you were some sort of self control cyborg, and those people freak me out. 🙂
you’re welcome
July 2, 2012 at 4:59 am
Gee, B-man…these displays of patriotic asshole-ry are making me all verklempt. “Hose that shit down” is the best tip I’ve ever heard.
Maine just made fireworks legal. So now I am proud to say we don’t have to settle with just throwing flaming hot sparklers in other people’s hair, we can set people’s decks on fire. Yahoo! It’s the american way, dude!
July 2, 2012 at 10:13 am
At long last Maine can proudly stand in the streets yelling “YYYYEEAAHHH!!! WHOOOOO!!! Lookit that! That’s burnin’ HUGE!!!”
July 4, 2012 at 9:57 am
Congrats on legalizing fireworks in Maine, D! Should have some tremendously foolish goings-on this Fourth, now. hehe
Just keep your fingers and toes out of the way of those stray bottle rockets! 🙂
July 2, 2012 at 5:10 am
Here in the Garden state of New Jersey (I’m told there were farms here when they named it that), fireworks are illegal. So the tradition is for enterprising folks to travel to exotic locales beyond our borders to buy lots and lots of fireworks then bring them back to sell at a healthy profit.
People who want to set stuff off, first needed to go talk to “Lefty” or “Jimmy One-Thumb” to buy the goods. Adding degrees of profiteering, smuggling and general lawlessness just really brings out the patriot in New Jerseyites.
July 2, 2012 at 10:14 am
That’s the best argument for legalization – otherwise you get the fireworks that somehow manage to be even more shoddily made, and are even more dangerous.
July 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Factory seconds should be avoided when purchasing fireworks, condoms and bunjee jumping cords
July 2, 2012 at 5:39 am
Now a dose from some parts of India. If your house was set on fire due to fireworks on one of the HUNDRED occasions we celebrate here, then….WHY THE HELL DID YOU NOT HAVE INSURANCE, (wait for it) YOU IRRESPONSIBLE BUFFOON, YOU THREAT TO SOCIETY?!
July 2, 2012 at 10:15 am
I think that’s what Gandhi said right after the “One ceases to be a slave” quote. He said that, and some idiot yelled, “YEAH!! WHOOO!! Fallen fetters, Mahatmaaaa!!” and then shot a roman candle at his house.
July 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I’m just realizing that my response to you makes no sense. I’m going out of town today, and I’ve already written tomorrow’s post, and my response to you is based on a Gandhi quote I use then.
Now my comment makes no sense, and you think I’m quoting Gandhi at you simply because you’re Indian. So, today you can think I’m an idiot, but tomorrow my comment will be HILARIOUS.
July 3, 2012 at 12:53 am
But wait! Won’t thinking of you as an idiot, already be hilarious? LMAO! 😀
July 2, 2012 at 5:41 am
Well, at least they gave helpful advise when needed… wonderful people!
July 2, 2012 at 10:16 am
American heroes.
July 2, 2012 at 5:56 am
Oh my god…. do you live down the road from me?! I think we’ve called the po-po on those same neighbors!
July 2, 2012 at 10:17 am
I think they get around. They may have made it your way.
July 2, 2012 at 6:07 am
Some of my neighbors were setting fireworks off last Saturday. Yes, it was not the Fourth; indeed, it was not even July. C’est la vie.
July 2, 2012 at 10:18 am
I know, it starts early doesn’t it? The question is always if they’re impatient and will run out, or if they’re building up.
July 3, 2012 at 9:07 am
Sounds much like the fireworks we have in the UK for Guy Fawkes (5 November), they start a good month ahead and continue until after New Year…
July 2, 2012 at 6:10 am
My sentiments exactly. I love it though when all the celebration happens like 3 days before the actual 4th of july….did they not get the “wait 3 more days before you start keeping hard working people up until 4am with your loud ruckus shouting and firework popping” memo?
July 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm
It’s just too much liberty for one day.
July 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Right !? lol.
July 2, 2012 at 6:28 am
I never knew Ben Franklin and Patrick Henry were such wise sages. I wonder why I haven’t heard their little gems of sagacity before. Truly inspiring.
July 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm
You should read Thomas Jefferson’s rants on people who get the 13-items-or-less line with a full grocery cart. It’d curl your hair.
July 2, 2012 at 6:31 am
I just know my city and surrounding suburbs are going to go up in flames. The grass and trees are dry as tinder.
July 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Same as here. The dilemma has always been the thinking that if they make fireworks illegal, they’ll just go out of town, where there’s more dry-drush, and it’s harder for fire crews to get to.
July 2, 2012 at 7:30 am
Note to self: buy waterproof mascara before reading tomorrow’s counterpoint post. “…and the always quotable Ben Franklin’s, ‘Get a new car, asshole!”’.” I totally lost it at that point.
So, they won’t let you pump your own gas, but fireworks are okay? (Illegal in Jersey. Can you imagine The Situation with bottle rockets?)
July 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I guess Oregon just loves America a liiiiittle bit more.
July 2, 2012 at 7:39 am
No comment except, I know they’re out there and sure as shit somebody’s gonna either blow off a finger or two or set the driveway on fire trying to light the hibachi.
July 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm
I imagine that ER crews must just hate the holiday.
July 2, 2012 at 7:53 am
My neighbors have already started. One day of patriotism is not nearly enough for them. Luckily, my dog has finally stopped peeing every time he hears fireworks. Thankfully. (This is a very new development.)
July 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Our dogs HATE the fireworks. On the 5th it’s guaranteed that they’ll be making little explosions of their own.
July 2, 2012 at 7:56 am
Today is a holiday for Canadians. It is “Canada Day” which we liken to your 4th of July. There are fireworks and very strict laws governing the use of them. However, I know that the news will carry all kinds of stuff about fires started, kids loosing fingers and drunken mishaps. When it is a “double” Holiday (they fall to the same weekend-yours & ours) that lineup of cars you showed is pretty much what the bridges look like for 4 days in my home town of Niagara Falls. You can’t get anywhere so you stock up with supplies and stay put.
July 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm
For some reason the national holidays that throw the name of the country in front of “day” always crack me up. Australia Day. Canada Day. It’s like they didn’t even try. Us Day. Holiday Day.
July 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Is this as opposed to just using a date? Like the 4th of July? Numbers probably are easier to keep track of.
July 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm
I don’t know – I guess there’s no graceful way. “Independence Day” works.
July 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Now, you see, had someone told me those were one in the same there would have been no confusion on my part. I would just go with “Independence Day” and drop that whole 4th of July stuff. 😉
July 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm
We’re not a smart country. We’d forget. We should probably rename Christmas “The 25th of December Day.”
July 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I was going to mention that earlier along with New Year’s Day being the “1st of January Day” but didn’t want to overstep.
July 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Well, I just stay hold up on my twelve acres and take care of my chickens. Thank God I don’t have neighbors like yours!
July 2, 2012 at 8:05 am
Hmm, methinks you’d better move to a different neighborhood…
July 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm
I really like being able to buy my meth without having to get in the car.
Actually, I think our property rates doubled after they left (in the middle of the night).
July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm
maybe I should invite them to buy on my street–we could use some property tax relief… and perhaps they can get some ARRA small business funding to grow their “lab.”
July 2, 2012 at 8:10 am
I will be disappointed if the first words of tomorrows Counterpoint are not “Jane you ignorant slut” ……
July 2, 2012 at 8:20 am
I was thinking that very same thing…
July 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm
Oh, tomorrow’s is all serious and reflective and contemplative. It’s unbearable, really.
July 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Hm, “serious” you say?
I s’pose you’re allowed once in awhile….
July 2, 2012 at 9:08 am
In the immortal words of Nate Hale Jr. “I only regret that they have but two hands to lose for celebrating their country.”
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of profound absudity!
July 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Some day, with the miracle of bionics, people will be able to blow hand off year after year!
July 2, 2012 at 9:41 am
Just remember the P.A.S.S. technique…
(P)ull the pin
(A)im at the base of the fire
(S)queeze the handle
(S)hoot more s**t off
July 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Where’s the “Shotgun beer” and “Scream ‘Hell, yeah!'” go?
July 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm
That comes into play right before your expensive trip to the ER.
July 2, 2012 at 10:11 am
It’s not a party until you combine alcohol and explosives. Thanks for the reminder to hose my shit down.
July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm
It should really be on the Statue of Liberty or the One Dollar Bill. “Send me your huddled masses, yearning to be free, and we will hose that shit down.”
July 2, 2012 at 10:29 am
Now, i would think that those were MY neighbors you were referring to, except that you failed to mention that these here hooligans, er patriots, actually set off fireworks all throughout the year, usually late into the night when the kids are trying to sleep. They are usually celebrating some type of holiday . . . be it Arbor Day, Sadie Hawkins Day, or Let’s Get Drunk and Light Some Shit on Fire, Woo-Hoo Day. There seems to be an abundance of holidays that are meant for blazing the sky with awesomeness. And loudness. It is unfortunate that your dear helpful fun-loving celebratory neighbors only seem to display these types of festivities on Independance Day. I am so sorry for you, sir. If only I could share my neighbors. Really.
July 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Oh, I suspect there’s plenty to go around.
July 2, 2012 at 11:12 am
I’m with you on not being a fan of Independence Day. All the Rocket’s Red Glare is a recipe for disaster as far as my boom-hating dog and I are concerned. Explosives and drunk teens–what could possibly go wrong?
July 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm
It really does sound like a form of celebration made up as a joke.
July 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm
I know these neighbours did awful things – but omg you are funny–I am writing this from the floor as I fell of my chair lingol (Laughing out loud if you are wondering at my shortform)–seriously i am glad i found this blog
July 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Thanks, that means a lot to me.
July 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm
I have a question: How are we supposed to celebrate our wonderful country as we appropriately should (with plenty of beer and bad decisions) when we have to go to work the next day? Because it falls on a WEDNESDAY this year, for cryin’ out loud. I don’t know why our forefathers didn’t have enough sense to just make it fall on the first Friday of July. It’s CLOSE ENOUGH! 🙂
July 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Because the Founders liked to rock n roll all night and party ev-e-ry day. Originally the 6th amendment was “It’ 5:00 somewhere!”
July 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Well, that’s just plain irresponsible…on the other hand, I had no idea they were so into Jimmy Buffett.
July 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Huge parrot-heads. Huge.
July 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Here in the UK, Independence Day is not such a big thing…
Can’t imagine why…
July 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm
You could have a “You know the sun still doesn’t – technically – set on the empire…” day.
July 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm
we have the – technically – anti-catholic “Guy Fawkes Night” instead…
July 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Water cannon, anyone?
July 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm
*Sniff* Your patriotic commradery is so inspiring.
July 2, 2012 at 7:13 pm
What a party-pooper: you clearly have never written your name in the sky (or your on precious deck) with a sparkler.
July 3, 2012 at 12:20 am
Luckily South Africa has so many public holidays that have been changed so many times that none of them are really a big deal, except maybe Easter (yes, that’s a public holiday here), but that mostly involves chocolate eggs and limited amounts of alcohol, so it’s all good.
July 3, 2012 at 2:46 am
On the plus side I can think of a number of other more unsavory scenarios where the phrase, “hose that shit down”, could be relevant. “My rear deck is on fire”, may also be applicable in these other scenarios.
July 3, 2012 at 9:01 am
Our neighborhood celebrants, antsy to display their patriotic fervor, often begin their fireworks displays a day or two early and quit a few days later. I also live in a tinderbox-area. But that doesn’t seem to dissuade them.
Don’t forget the impact on the pets. Noise hurts their ears, etc.
Have a Happy Fourth. Enjoyed your post.
July 3, 2012 at 9:27 am
Point well made and love the title, Freedom: Let That S*** Ring.
July 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I hate 4th of July. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
If I could remember something from my youth that really drew me to the tradition of blowing things up, perhaps I’d wallow in the nostalgia of blowing things up. Mostly I remember just blowing up ant hills and then feeling really bad about it later. Also, long after the firework stands shut down, my brother was still boobie-trapping my dresser drawers, closet, bedspread, etc., with Snaps — clear through November.
Geesh, did you live next door to the Clampetts?
July 4, 2012 at 6:24 pm
I totally agree. People use holidays as excuses to get shitfaced and act like total morons the whole day. Sigh. I’m also not into barbeques now that I’m vegetarian. I didn’t realize until this year how lucky I am that I’m usually working my retail slave job on this day.
July 5, 2012 at 7:12 am
It’s not the Fourth of July until someone sets something on fire! 😉
July 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I feel a song coming on after reading this … “I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free (to set fire to my new neighbors deck) …
And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me” … and all the rest!!