Please Hire Me To Be Your Doctor

June 19, 2012

Humor, Please Hire Me...

You have a lot of choices about who you see for you medical needs, and – of course – when it comes to your health, you want the very best.  And that’s me.  Yes, I realize the “in the box” thinkers will tell you that you should see someone who’s been to “medical school” and is an “M.D.” and isn’t “totally creeped out” at the concept of doing surgery, but choosing me as your primary care physician is a decision you’ll cherish for the rest of your life.

I paid very close attention.  It’s never Lupus, or Sarcoidosis.

But don’t just take my word for it.  Check out my qualifications – most of which come from watching TV (can your current doctor make that claim?) – and decide for yourself why you should please hire me to be your doctor.

To me, you’re not just a number.  You’re not just a an ailment.  You’re a person.  A person with an ailment who will be given an ID number.

I’ve taken a CPR/First Aid class, like 4 times.  Those videos where the people burn themselves, or faint, or whatever?  Got ’em memorized at this point. If I see you about to unload a heavy crate, and everyone’s dressed about 16 years out of date, and everything looks cheaply shot, and no one’s dialogue sounds convincing?  I’ll know something’s up and get ready.

Damn it, nurse, get out of my way! Can’t you see this man has the hiccups?! CLEAR!!

I understand from TV that I will need to use the shock-paddles constantly.  Whether it’s a light cold or a gunshot to the chest – grab the paddles and start blasting.  It cures everything, including being attacked with shock paddles.

The Chinese have an old story about a good doctor who can cure disease and is famous throughout the land, a better doctor who can stop disease before it gets serious and is known in his town, and the best doctor who can stop disease before it starts and is known by very few people at all.  No one thinks I’m a good doctor.  Think about it.

My waiting room will have a water slide.

I look quite a bit like Patrick Dempsey, who plays Doctor Something on that show I’ve never seen.  Always have looked like him.  You want to now what I looked like in high school?  Watch Can’t Buy Me Love.  College?  With Honors.  Here’s me going to a costume party last Fall.

See? I have a lab coat. You think just anyone can get one of those?

I will tell you what you have in Latin, so you know how smart I am.  “Doctor,” you’ll say.  “I have a nail in my foot.”  “You very well may have a nail in your foot,” I’ll say condescendingly.  Then after a lot of tests I’ll tell you that you have Pede-Calvum, and pull the nail out.

Oh, man does this take me back to the old days, with my study buddies Moira Kelly and Brendan Fraser. And that other guy.

I am tortured by something. I haven’t decided what, but it will make me miserable.  It will keep me from maintaining healthy relationships, but it will also by the thing that makes me such a damn good doctor.

We all hate the idea of going to the doctor and them thinking we’re a big wuss.  “It’s a cold, you big baby,” we’re afraid they’ll say. “You’re pathetic.”  If you come to me with something dinky, well, I’ll tell you it’s dengue fever or smallpox or something. Then I’ll be like, “My God, how have you withstood the pain?  You are a remarkable, heroic person.”  Won’t that be nice?  Then I’ll tell you there’s just, that morning, been a break-through and I can cure it; and I’ll prescribe you some Nyquil.

Even better: if you should have something serious, I’ll tell you it’s just a cold.

I look forward to hearing from you.  You’ll need to make an appointment with my secretary, and I should be able to get you in in about 10 months.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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79 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be Your Doctor”

  1. Ruchika Says:

    Oh thank God I found you! Or my Reader did.. whatever… I have a disease, and they call it ‘nothing serious’ and ‘not medical’ . And I am HURT, when they refuse to understand. I mean, it’s an AILMENT, so if a doctor’s not gonna cure it, who should I go to, a mechanic?!
    So it’s like this- everyday when I open my PC and am logged onto WordPress, my heart just does a big WHOOP. Like, really big. And that’s- that’s painful. I might stop breathing next time! I had my PC checked, there’s no radiation or anything so it must be my heart. But the doctors don’t tell anything.
    I desperately need your help.
    And the funny part is, it always happens when I read your blog! Funny eh! And my heart seems to come down only when I’ve hit the Like button after one of your posts! Weird old thing!
    So you have the medication for me? What, do I HAVE to wait 10 months?
    *wink*

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Hm, this may require some observation. Better keep reading and see if it progresses. I’m sure I’ll be able to test your condition with some real clunkers of posts.

      Reply

  2. Life With The Top Down Says:

    During my last visit to the doctor, I spent my time consoling her and forgot why I even made the appointment. She was having difficulty juggling being a physician, wife and mother of 2 school aged girls…understandable, but I left feeling I should have billed her for the appointment. By the way you look exactly like Dr. John Carter from E.R. in that photo!!

    Reply

    • justblethering Says:

      I agree – Dr John Carter all the way! Shame I live in Northern Ireland, might consider a move to the US if I would be guaranteed of an appointment??

      Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Which one was he? Was that Noah Wyle? Basically, I know all my TV doctors from other things. Falling Skies Guy. Black Adder Guy. Revenge of the Nerds Guy. Can’t Buy Me Love Guy.

      Reply

      • Life With The Top Down Says:

        Yep, Noah Wyle. The resemblance is uncanny. I will say you have one up on Noah in my book due to the 5 o’clock shadow and darker features. I’m sure the Mrs. Byronic will agree with my conclusion.

        Reply

  3. disseminatedthought Says:

    I’m changing my name to Doogie House. I’m pretty sure that will make me the best doctor of all time.

    Reply

  4. crying in the bathroom Says:

    Since you already have the lab coat. I appreciate the guaranteed coddling every time I come in for whatever nonexistent aches and pains I might have. Also, the waterside.

    Reply

  5. 1pointperspective Says:

    My dermatologist is very good. He takes some getting used to though, as his bedside manner is kind of “The Nutty Professor”. My urologist has a great bedside manner, but I don’t think he’s very good.

    Now that I think about it, I’ve never been in a hospital bed and therefiore I’ve never seen either doctor’s bedside manner.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      My wife’s/my pregnancy doc just moved away, which was devastating for her, because his bedside manner was PERFECT for her. As long as he was barely competent, we were keeping him. Our new doctor is exceptional, but moves like a hummingbird.

      Reply

      • 1pointperspective Says:

        I’d take a crappy bedside manner and competence over the opposite. Of course, if Marcus Welby was still practicing, this wouldn’t be an issue.

        With a wife who’s got decades of experience as a nurse, there’s relatively little we can watch medical drama wise, without her scoffing about inaccuracies and just ruining the viewing experience.

        We watch The Borgias, since neither one of us has a lot of expertise in Papal history.

        Reply

        • Alison Armstrong Says:

          I can’t watch a movie about teaching without cringing and I can’t listen to music without analyzing like crazy. Things I know nothing about calm me, a lab coat is sufficient to make me think you know more than me!!

          Reply

  6. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Hey I have been looking for a ‘not good’ doctor all my life and you seem perfect..but please know i do no like doctors who do not ask for a hefty fee…and hey you are 10 months away from treating my ailments..omg this is so cool..

    Reply

  7. Elyse Says:

    You actually do look like my GP who is an amazing doctor. Whenever I have a pain or an ailment, I make an appointment for two days hence. By the time I get there, the pain or ailment is gone, and I have a lovely chat with my nice doctor. “Damn, you’re good, I always tell him. But he doesn’t have a waterslide.

    Reply

  8. Bluejellybeans Says:

    You got me with the resemblance to Dr. Mcdreamy… you are hired! 😉

    Reply

  9. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    ten months – that is sooner than I can get into my own doctor, and you do look like Pat

    Reply

  10. nikkix2 Says:

    You got me at Waterslide,,,awesome idea! And your wife is so super lucky to be sleeping with a look a like McDreamy every night yum! 🙂

    Reply

  11. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    I’ve never regretted more deeply the fact that I don’t live in Oregon anymore. Otherwise, I’d be thrilled to have you as a doctor. But, y’know, the . . . the distance.

    Reply

  12. pegoleg Says:

    You’re so right about the Sarcoidoisis. They are ALWAYS suggesting that, at least on House, and it’s never right. Lousy doctors.

    Reply

  13. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Yep, You really do look like McDreamy. Which I think makes you McBryronic.
    I should think you will be able to keep your practice flourishing just on that…to heck with finding a cure for anything.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “I’m having radiating pains in my arm, and frequent spots in my eyes. Also, vertigo.”
      “Huh. Gosh… uh… would you like to gaze in to my deep, soulful eyes?”

      Reply

  14. sj Says:

    Wait, wait, wait. THAT’S YOUR WHOLE FACE?! Damn, here I was thinking you had an eyepatch (like a sucker). <.<

    Reply

  15. Love & Lunchmeat Says:

    I’m very rarely sick. Can I come just for the waterslide? And will you be expecting payment? My insurance company gets very up in arms about paying, even for doctors with real medical degrees…

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Actually, I bet if I hired a couple people whose only job was to call the insurance companies and yell at them that they’re heartless scumbags I could get some patients just on that basis.

      My slogan can be: “Come for the waterslide, stay for the profanities we’ll scream at your insurance company!”

      Reply

  16. Go Jules Go Says:

    Ha! “NO ONE thinks I’m a good doctor.” Yes. That guy on the couch doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of faith, upon closer inspection… Anyhoo. You had me at “water slide.”

    Someone’s comment reminded me that I am woefully remiss in blogging about the time I dressed up as Doogie Howser for Halloween. (And here you and Angie thought I was all dental hygiene-themed costumes.)

    This was hilarious! And holy subscribers, Batman! You are on fire (pronounced, fie-ah!)!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Ah, the guy on the couch is fine. I diagnosed him with “Nursemaid’s knee.” (In addition to inaccuracy, I’m thinking I’ll diagnose everyone with fun, old-timey diseases)

      Reply

  17. susielindau Says:

    You do look like McDreamy only you are better looking! (sucking up for the next caption contest – oh yah – you don’t vote! 🙂 )

    Reply

  18. Valentine Logar Says:

    Yes, but can you promise me entrance to all the latest tests for new drugs and that I will always get the sugar pills rather than the real stuff and that the sugar pills will always cure whatever ails me? I want that from my new doctor.

    Reply

  19. Sandy Sue Says:

    So, I’m guessing, and this is just a stab in the dark, that you saw a real doctor recently. Not a great experience?
    Oh, and don’t for get to set out a bowl of Snickers on your receptionist’s counter.

    Reply

  20. PCC Advantage Says:

    I’ve watched plenty of surgeries on TLC. I’m pretty sure that I can do a heart valve replacement without too much difficulty.

    Can I be your O.R. nurse? I will, at some point, figure out what sutures are…as long as I can bring my textbook into the O.R with me.

    Reply

  21. Coming East Says:

    So funny! Where do I sign in? Oh, and do you take Medicare?

    Reply

  22. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Good enuf for me – my dermatologist wont let me in the sun anymore just becuz of one little spot of skin cancer (“tis but a flesh wound!”) & every doctor I see for migraines gets way too excited & jumps right to “better rule out brain tumor!” which forces me to turn into Arnold in Kindergarden Cop “I dooont have a brain tuuumaah!”.
    I might have to disagree on the earlier comment about competency over bedside manner for the delivery – any nurse in the hospital is over-qualified to deliver the baby, & women have been doing this for centuries so that part is taken care of…….its the Dr. that needs to convince the mother it is too late to change her mind & holds the access to the drugs !

    Reply

  23. Audrey Says:

    Goodness, the schedule’s already booked out, I see! Now will you prescribe the Nyquil before or after hitting this patient up with the shock paddles? I’m trying to learn to be a tv doctor too. 🙂

    Reply

  24. travellingmo Says:

    Those must have been some good college times! Brendan Fraiser, Moira Kelly, and good old what’s his name!

    Reply

  25. andshelaughs Says:

    That’s it, I’m transferring my care to you. What with your stunning good looks and waterslide in the waiting room, what more could a patient ask for?

    Reply

  26. artzent Says:

    I will let you be my chickens doctor! How’s that?

    Reply

  27. tomwisk Says:

    Do you take major medical?

    Reply

  28. Carl Parmenter Says:

    If there’s a 10 month wait can I book you in now? I feel I may come down with a mystery bug that hasn’t been seen since the late 17th century in the Middle East. A bug so rare it isn’t lupus, but will make you think it’s lupus for about a day (or half the episode). I feel that you may then realise that I’ve been suffering all along with nothing whatsoever, but you’ll still make me feel awesome by telling me you cured cancer or something equally impressive.
    So, book me in doc. One question though, do you take payments in out of date prescription drugs? You can reuse them…

    Reply

  29. Annie Says:

    No, no, no! The out of the box thinking is what more of us need, but I have a background in healthcare and I’ve been told by many that I’m more than accurate in my dx and treatment options a gazillion times; and they don’t always require traditional western medical treatment. I was taught by the masters in CAM. Only thing is, I don’t have prescribing authority, but then I could pair up with a PA or NP. They don’t have COMPLETE prescription authority, but then again, too often, what the MD does prescribes is not effective. They call me “House!” without the addiction to Vicodin!

    I barter for care, the way it should be; payment in chickens or for big stuff, :hand me your horse! Or bigger yet, your yacht!

    Out of date prescription drugs may still be ok, but lack potency after too long a time. So, they don’t harm, but don’t necessarily do the good that they can do. That’s why the laws about a med expiring a year after being issued. It’ll still work, but possibly not as well, so it’s a crapshoot! The active ingredients may only stay so active, for so long.

    Reply

  30. Curly Carly Says:

    Do you make your patients wait an hour before each appointment? That’s a sign of a legit doctor.

    Great post. This validates my belief that watching enough Discovery Health really can give me medical credibility. Kind of.

    I thought that was Patrick Dempsey until I kept reading.

    Reply

    • Anne Nowlin Says:

      I don’t make them wait, but because of the quality of my work, they do end up waiting-that’s what its like in my world! (PS, I love your Patrick Dempsey and DH likenesses…)

      Reply

  31. brownponytail Says:

    well well… of many people claiming similarity with McDreamy, you actually are the only one that does look like him. that’s all the qualification i need in a doctor. when is your next free appointment?

    Reply

  32. becomingcliche Says:

    I have a hang nail. Please get out the paddles!

    Your broodiness could come from the fact that you haven nothing genuine to brood ABOUT. There’s nothing worse than wanting to be a tortured soul but having no real reason to be so.

    Reply

  33. Elemi Fuentes Says:

    “To me, you’re not just a number. You’re not just a an ailment. You’re a person. A person with an ailment who will be given an ID number.”

    You really crack me up. I discovered your blog a few days ago, and I keep coming back for more. Makes a brilliant read. xx

    Reply

  34. funnyphuppo Says:

    Now why did I never notice that Dr. McDreamy was also in “With Honors”? Or like most men did he only start looking good with age?

    Reply

  35. Food Stories Says:

    I work in healthcare & this is hilarious 🙂

    Reply

  36. Shannon Says:

    A water slide in the waiting room!? AND you look hot in a lab coat? If you can nod and look interested for the 15 minutes I yak at you about my ailment, and charge me less than $100, I just might be calling you.

    Reply

  37. Anastasia Says:

    It’s not *quite* like this…. but I’d definitely choose your over a more sane doctor. You sound fun!

    Reply

  38. VivereJay Says:

    Reblogged this on Utopian Soul and commented:
    Hilarious!

    Reply

  39. VivereJay Says:

    Hilarious, esp the part about shock-paddles…you got ’em, the stereotype shows, with that one 🙂

    Reply

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