You have a lot of choices about who you see for you medical needs, and – of course – when it comes to your health, you want the very best. And that’s me. Yes, I realize the “in the box” thinkers will tell you that you should see someone who’s been to “medical school” and is an “M.D.” and isn’t “totally creeped out” at the concept of doing surgery, but choosing me as your primary care physician is a decision you’ll cherish for the rest of your life.
I paid very close attention. It’s never Lupus, or Sarcoidosis.
But don’t just take my word for it. Check out my qualifications – most of which come from watching TV (can your current doctor make that claim?) – and decide for yourself why you should please hire me to be your doctor.
To me, you’re not just a number. You’re not just a an ailment. You’re a person. A person with an ailment who will be given an ID number.
I’ve taken a CPR/First Aid class, like 4 times. Those videos where the people burn themselves, or faint, or whatever? Got ’em memorized at this point. If I see you about to unload a heavy crate, and everyone’s dressed about 16 years out of date, and everything looks cheaply shot, and no one’s dialogue sounds convincing? I’ll know something’s up and get ready.
Damn it, nurse, get out of my way! Can’t you see this man has the hiccups?! CLEAR!!
I understand from TV that I will need to use the shock-paddles constantly. Whether it’s a light cold or a gunshot to the chest – grab the paddles and start blasting. It cures everything, including being attacked with shock paddles.
The Chinese have an old story about a good doctor who can cure disease and is famous throughout the land, a better doctor who can stop disease before it gets serious and is known in his town, and the best doctor who can stop disease before it starts and is known by very few people at all. No one thinks I’m a good doctor. Think about it.
My waiting room will have a water slide.
I look quite a bit like Patrick Dempsey, who plays Doctor Something on that show I’ve never seen. Always have looked like him. You want to now what I looked like in high school? Watch Can’t Buy Me Love. College? With Honors. Here’s me going to a costume party last Fall.
See? I have a lab coat. You think just anyone can get one of those?
I will tell you what you have in Latin, so you know how smart I am. “Doctor,” you’ll say. “I have a nail in my foot.” “You very well may have a nail in your foot,” I’ll say condescendingly. Then after a lot of tests I’ll tell you that you have Pede-Calvum, and pull the nail out.
Oh, man does this take me back to the old days, with my study buddies Moira Kelly and Brendan Fraser. And that other guy.
I am tortured by something. I haven’t decided what, but it will make me miserable. It will keep me from maintaining healthy relationships, but it will also by the thing that makes me such a damn good doctor.
We all hate the idea of going to the doctor and them thinking we’re a big wuss. “It’s a cold, you big baby,” we’re afraid they’ll say. “You’re pathetic.” If you come to me with something dinky, well, I’ll tell you it’s dengue fever or smallpox or something. Then I’ll be like, “My God, how have you withstood the pain? You are a remarkable, heroic person.” Won’t that be nice? Then I’ll tell you there’s just, that morning, been a break-through and I can cure it; and I’ll prescribe you some Nyquil.
Even better: if you should have something serious, I’ll tell you it’s just a cold.
I look forward to hearing from you. You’ll need to make an appointment with my secretary, and I should be able to get you in in about 10 months.
The Byronic Man 
June 19, 2012 at 3:14 am
Oh thank God I found you! Or my Reader did.. whatever… I have a disease, and they call it ‘nothing serious’ and ‘not medical’ . And I am HURT, when they refuse to understand. I mean, it’s an AILMENT, so if a doctor’s not gonna cure it, who should I go to, a mechanic?!
So it’s like this- everyday when I open my PC and am logged onto WordPress, my heart just does a big WHOOP. Like, really big. And that’s- that’s painful. I might stop breathing next time! I had my PC checked, there’s no radiation or anything so it must be my heart. But the doctors don’t tell anything.
I desperately need your help.
And the funny part is, it always happens when I read your blog! Funny eh! And my heart seems to come down only when I’ve hit the Like button after one of your posts! Weird old thing!
So you have the medication for me? What, do I HAVE to wait 10 months?
*wink*
June 19, 2012 at 7:20 am
Hm, this may require some observation. Better keep reading and see if it progresses. I’m sure I’ll be able to test your condition with some real clunkers of posts.
June 19, 2012 at 3:24 am
During my last visit to the doctor, I spent my time consoling her and forgot why I even made the appointment. She was having difficulty juggling being a physician, wife and mother of 2 school aged girls…understandable, but I left feeling I should have billed her for the appointment. By the way you look exactly like Dr. John Carter from E.R. in that photo!!
June 19, 2012 at 6:40 am
I agree – Dr John Carter all the way! Shame I live in Northern Ireland, might consider a move to the US if I would be guaranteed of an appointment??
June 19, 2012 at 7:22 am
Which one was he? Was that Noah Wyle? Basically, I know all my TV doctors from other things. Falling Skies Guy. Black Adder Guy. Revenge of the Nerds Guy. Can’t Buy Me Love Guy.
June 19, 2012 at 7:31 am
Yep, Noah Wyle. The resemblance is uncanny. I will say you have one up on Noah in my book due to the 5 o’clock shadow and darker features. I’m sure the Mrs. Byronic will agree with my conclusion.
June 19, 2012 at 3:35 am
I’m changing my name to Doogie House. I’m pretty sure that will make me the best doctor of all time.
June 19, 2012 at 7:23 am
Good idea. You could make adorably cynical wisecracks!
June 19, 2012 at 4:05 am
Since you already have the lab coat. I appreciate the guaranteed coddling every time I come in for whatever nonexistent aches and pains I might have. Also, the waterside.
June 19, 2012 at 7:24 am
It would be a shame to let the lab coat go to waste, wouldn’t it?
June 20, 2012 at 8:48 am
Absolutely. You now need to get yourself a similarly obnoxious Greys Anatomy Mc-name…
…McBloggin?
Needs work 🙂
June 19, 2012 at 4:08 am
My dermatologist is very good. He takes some getting used to though, as his bedside manner is kind of “The Nutty Professor”. My urologist has a great bedside manner, but I don’t think he’s very good.
Now that I think about it, I’ve never been in a hospital bed and therefiore I’ve never seen either doctor’s bedside manner.
June 19, 2012 at 7:26 am
My wife’s/my pregnancy doc just moved away, which was devastating for her, because his bedside manner was PERFECT for her. As long as he was barely competent, we were keeping him. Our new doctor is exceptional, but moves like a hummingbird.
June 19, 2012 at 7:31 am
I’d take a crappy bedside manner and competence over the opposite. Of course, if Marcus Welby was still practicing, this wouldn’t be an issue.
With a wife who’s got decades of experience as a nurse, there’s relatively little we can watch medical drama wise, without her scoffing about inaccuracies and just ruining the viewing experience.
We watch The Borgias, since neither one of us has a lot of expertise in Papal history.
June 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm
I can’t watch a movie about teaching without cringing and I can’t listen to music without analyzing like crazy. Things I know nothing about calm me, a lab coat is sufficient to make me think you know more than me!!
June 19, 2012 at 4:13 am
Hey I have been looking for a ‘not good’ doctor all my life and you seem perfect..but please know i do no like doctors who do not ask for a hefty fee…and hey you are 10 months away from treating my ailments..omg this is so cool..
June 19, 2012 at 7:31 am
I can also ignore anything you say about your symptoms, if you’d like.
June 19, 2012 at 7:53 am
Purrfect
June 19, 2012 at 4:18 am
You actually do look like my GP who is an amazing doctor. Whenever I have a pain or an ailment, I make an appointment for two days hence. By the time I get there, the pain or ailment is gone, and I have a lovely chat with my nice doctor. “Damn, you’re good, I always tell him. But he doesn’t have a waterslide.
June 19, 2012 at 7:32 am
That’s a pretty good system! But, yeah – the waterslide is going to be the ticket.
June 19, 2012 at 5:05 am
You got me with the resemblance to Dr. Mcdreamy… you are hired! 😉
June 19, 2012 at 7:32 am
Hopefully that will see you through my gross incompetence.
June 19, 2012 at 5:07 am
ten months – that is sooner than I can get into my own doctor, and you do look like Pat
June 19, 2012 at 7:34 am
I’m hoping “Pat” is referring to “Dempsey,” and not “the SNL character played by Julia Sweeney.”
June 19, 2012 at 9:21 am
definitely Dempsey – we are on first name terms (lol)
June 19, 2012 at 5:27 am
You got me at Waterslide,,,awesome idea! And your wife is so super lucky to be sleeping with a look a like McDreamy every night yum! 🙂
June 19, 2012 at 7:36 am
I try to remind her of that whenever I forget to pay the bills or pretend the lawn mower’s broken for months at a time. Her priorities are really messed up.
June 19, 2012 at 6:04 am
I’ve never regretted more deeply the fact that I don’t live in Oregon anymore. Otherwise, I’d be thrilled to have you as a doctor. But, y’know, the . . . the distance.
June 19, 2012 at 7:36 am
Does your insurance cover private jets?
June 19, 2012 at 6:25 am
You’re so right about the Sarcoidoisis. They are ALWAYS suggesting that, at least on House, and it’s never right. Lousy doctors.
June 19, 2012 at 7:37 am
That sarcoidosis thing had to be a running gag. It had to be. I was really hoping the final episode would be someone with it.
June 19, 2012 at 6:32 am
Yep, You really do look like McDreamy. Which I think makes you McBryronic.
I should think you will be able to keep your practice flourishing just on that…to heck with finding a cure for anything.
June 19, 2012 at 7:43 am
“I’m having radiating pains in my arm, and frequent spots in my eyes. Also, vertigo.”
“Huh. Gosh… uh… would you like to gaze in to my deep, soulful eyes?”
June 19, 2012 at 6:56 am
Wait, wait, wait. THAT’S YOUR WHOLE FACE?! Damn, here I was thinking you had an eyepatch (like a sucker). <.<
June 19, 2012 at 7:45 am
I photoshopped out the eyepatch and bar-code tattoo that’s on my cheek.
June 19, 2012 at 7:59 am
[nod] I expected as much.
June 19, 2012 at 7:30 am
I’m very rarely sick. Can I come just for the waterslide? And will you be expecting payment? My insurance company gets very up in arms about paying, even for doctors with real medical degrees…
June 19, 2012 at 7:47 am
Actually, I bet if I hired a couple people whose only job was to call the insurance companies and yell at them that they’re heartless scumbags I could get some patients just on that basis.
My slogan can be: “Come for the waterslide, stay for the profanities we’ll scream at your insurance company!”
June 19, 2012 at 7:30 am
Ha! “NO ONE thinks I’m a good doctor.” Yes. That guy on the couch doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of faith, upon closer inspection… Anyhoo. You had me at “water slide.”
Someone’s comment reminded me that I am woefully remiss in blogging about the time I dressed up as Doogie Howser for Halloween. (And here you and Angie thought I was all dental hygiene-themed costumes.)
This was hilarious! And holy subscribers, Batman! You are on fire (pronounced, fie-ah!)!
June 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Ah, the guy on the couch is fine. I diagnosed him with “Nursemaid’s knee.” (In addition to inaccuracy, I’m thinking I’ll diagnose everyone with fun, old-timey diseases)
June 19, 2012 at 7:37 am
You do look like McDreamy only you are better looking! (sucking up for the next caption contest – oh yah – you don’t vote! 🙂 )
June 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm
True, but as Joseph Stalin once said, “Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.”
June 19, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Where should I send my bribes? 🙂
June 19, 2012 at 7:47 am
Yes, but can you promise me entrance to all the latest tests for new drugs and that I will always get the sugar pills rather than the real stuff and that the sugar pills will always cure whatever ails me? I want that from my new doctor.
June 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm
I can definitely promise that.
June 19, 2012 at 3:36 pm
I will be calling you the next time I need a breast press then.
June 19, 2012 at 8:06 am
So, I’m guessing, and this is just a stab in the dark, that you saw a real doctor recently. Not a great experience?
Oh, and don’t for get to set out a bowl of Snickers on your receptionist’s counter.
June 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Doctor’s visits have all gone swimmingly, actually.
Insurance company interactions, on the other hand…
June 19, 2012 at 8:37 am
I’ve watched plenty of surgeries on TLC. I’m pretty sure that I can do a heart valve replacement without too much difficulty.
Can I be your O.R. nurse? I will, at some point, figure out what sutures are…as long as I can bring my textbook into the O.R with me.
June 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm
As long as they don’t get mixed in with my “surgery for dummies” books, we should be fine.
June 20, 2012 at 7:07 am
Good point. It may be confusing. Okay, forget the books.
Let’s just wing it.
June 19, 2012 at 8:48 am
So funny! Where do I sign in? Oh, and do you take Medicare?
June 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm
I can’t see why not.
June 19, 2012 at 9:54 am
Good enuf for me – my dermatologist wont let me in the sun anymore just becuz of one little spot of skin cancer (“tis but a flesh wound!”) & every doctor I see for migraines gets way too excited & jumps right to “better rule out brain tumor!” which forces me to turn into Arnold in Kindergarden Cop “I dooont have a brain tuuumaah!”.
I might have to disagree on the earlier comment about competency over bedside manner for the delivery – any nurse in the hospital is over-qualified to deliver the baby, & women have been doing this for centuries so that part is taken care of…….its the Dr. that needs to convince the mother it is too late to change her mind & holds the access to the drugs !
June 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Calming is going to be a gigantic part of the battle come Delivery Day.
June 19, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Yup, make sure your Dr believes in drugs. I never used anything but I wanted to know my Dr was standing by with a full arsenal just in case !
June 19, 2012 at 11:15 am
Goodness, the schedule’s already booked out, I see! Now will you prescribe the Nyquil before or after hitting this patient up with the shock paddles? I’m trying to learn to be a tv doctor too. 🙂
June 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm
It’s whichever order is more dramatically exciting at that moment.
“She’s having an adverse reaction to the Nyquil!”
“Get the shock paddles!”
etc.
June 19, 2012 at 11:37 am
Those must have been some good college times! Brendan Fraiser, Moira Kelly, and good old what’s his name!
June 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Oh, yeah – what’s his name. With that thing he always did, and the time he said that other thing? Good times.
June 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm
That’s it, I’m transferring my care to you. What with your stunning good looks and waterslide in the waiting room, what more could a patient ask for?
June 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm
I will let you be my chickens doctor! How’s that?
June 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Do you take major medical?
June 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm
If there’s a 10 month wait can I book you in now? I feel I may come down with a mystery bug that hasn’t been seen since the late 17th century in the Middle East. A bug so rare it isn’t lupus, but will make you think it’s lupus for about a day (or half the episode). I feel that you may then realise that I’ve been suffering all along with nothing whatsoever, but you’ll still make me feel awesome by telling me you cured cancer or something equally impressive.
So, book me in doc. One question though, do you take payments in out of date prescription drugs? You can reuse them…
June 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm
No, no, no! The out of the box thinking is what more of us need, but I have a background in healthcare and I’ve been told by many that I’m more than accurate in my dx and treatment options a gazillion times; and they don’t always require traditional western medical treatment. I was taught by the masters in CAM. Only thing is, I don’t have prescribing authority, but then I could pair up with a PA or NP. They don’t have COMPLETE prescription authority, but then again, too often, what the MD does prescribes is not effective. They call me “House!” without the addiction to Vicodin!
I barter for care, the way it should be; payment in chickens or for big stuff, :hand me your horse! Or bigger yet, your yacht!
Out of date prescription drugs may still be ok, but lack potency after too long a time. So, they don’t harm, but don’t necessarily do the good that they can do. That’s why the laws about a med expiring a year after being issued. It’ll still work, but possibly not as well, so it’s a crapshoot! The active ingredients may only stay so active, for so long.
June 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Do you make your patients wait an hour before each appointment? That’s a sign of a legit doctor.
Great post. This validates my belief that watching enough Discovery Health really can give me medical credibility. Kind of.
I thought that was Patrick Dempsey until I kept reading.
June 19, 2012 at 5:11 pm
I don’t make them wait, but because of the quality of my work, they do end up waiting-that’s what its like in my world! (PS, I love your Patrick Dempsey and DH likenesses…)
June 20, 2012 at 4:13 am
well well… of many people claiming similarity with McDreamy, you actually are the only one that does look like him. that’s all the qualification i need in a doctor. when is your next free appointment?
June 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm
I’ve been told I look like him my entire adult life – oh, how I wish he didn’t have that nickname, because it sounds so egotistical to suggest we look alike.
June 20, 2012 at 10:07 am
I have a hang nail. Please get out the paddles!
Your broodiness could come from the fact that you haven nothing genuine to brood ABOUT. There’s nothing worse than wanting to be a tortured soul but having no real reason to be so.
June 21, 2012 at 4:18 am
“To me, you’re not just a number. You’re not just a an ailment. You’re a person. A person with an ailment who will be given an ID number.”
You really crack me up. I discovered your blog a few days ago, and I keep coming back for more. Makes a brilliant read. xx
June 22, 2012 at 2:08 am
Now why did I never notice that Dr. McDreamy was also in “With Honors”? Or like most men did he only start looking good with age?
June 22, 2012 at 5:50 am
Dr. McDreamy like in Grey Anatomy?
June 22, 2012 at 11:25 am
I work in healthcare & this is hilarious 🙂
June 23, 2012 at 9:16 am
A water slide in the waiting room!? AND you look hot in a lab coat? If you can nod and look interested for the 15 minutes I yak at you about my ailment, and charge me less than $100, I just might be calling you.
June 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm
I can even through in the occasional, “hmmmm” at no extra charge.
June 24, 2012 at 2:59 am
It’s not *quite* like this…. but I’d definitely choose your over a more sane doctor. You sound fun!
June 26, 2012 at 10:27 am
Reblogged this on Utopian Soul and commented:
Hilarious!
June 26, 2012 at 10:35 am
Hilarious, esp the part about shock-paddles…you got ’em, the stereotype shows, with that one 🙂