Excerpts from George Murray Levick’s journal of the 1910 Scott expedition to Antarctica have revealed horrified documentation of the “astonishing depravity” of penguins’ sex lives. His accounts include observations of “perversion,” necrophilia, coercion and “male hooligans.”
– recounting the ‘Sexual depravity’ of penguins that Antarctic scientist dared not reveal in The Guardian Online
Okay, look. It’s real easy to point fingers, right? Or, in my case, flippers. Wha’d you expect? We’re animals, we got to breed – fast because it’s frickin’ freezing and there’s seals and stuff everywhere, and, hey, you ever been to Antarctica? Bo-riiinnng! So maybe sometimes things get a little, you know, intense. But also, maybe, we’re just sexual beings and your scientist couldn’t handle it.
Take a look around. Take your time. You see anything else to do? Anything? Oh wait, there’s a bowling alley! No, no, that’s more ice.
Oh, I get it. It’s ‘cause we’re all cute and we waddle and stuff. We’re supposed to reproduce via fairy dust, or something. Well, for starters, you all ain’t the ones to be pointing fingers. I’ve seen your Internet. You humans are the folks who got serious problems. Wasn’t it Twain who said, “Humans are the only animals who blush, or have need to”?
Yeah, that’s right; I quoted Twain. Nothing about that in this, sarcastic quote marks, scientific study. And where was bigshot mr. scientist man when we were having our classics book group? Out watching penguins doin’ it. But we’re the deviants. Psh.
Hey, you don’t have any small fish on you, do you? No? Sure, sure, no problem. Where was I?
This scientist’s makin’ me nervous. She makin’ you nervous? She’s makin’ me nervous.
“Coercion.” Nobody’s coercing anybody. Just because we don’t have the same mating ritual you guys do. Typical anthrocentrism. We don’t live long, we don’t have flowers down here, and we can’t play instruments, so, you know, we cut to the chase. And I think it’s worth noting that part of what old whats-is-human labeled as “depraved” was your basic, consensual, homosexual behavior. So, you tell me: “depraved” or, oh, I don’t know, about a hundred years ahead of you all in terms of sexual tolerance? You see what I’m sayin’?
Alright.
The necrophilia.
Yeah, that’s a little freaky.
That’s Barry over there. Hey, Barry tell ’em about your post-mortem girlfriend! AAHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Ah, we’re kiddin’ you, Barry. We all been there.
Look, no one here’s goin’ around looking for corpses to make it with, right? Well, there was Lenny, but something was seriously wrong with old Lenny the Penguin. But, again – I can’t stress this enough – it’s wicked cold here, so: Asleep? Deep in thought? Dead? Gazing seductively? All looks about the same. Right? So… you know… it happens. It’s embarrassing, you get razzed about it for a while, you move on. So, maybe go easy on the inflammatory terms, there.
Scientists. Psh.
You, uh, absolutely sure there, on the fish?
What? No, I’m not going to have sex with it! I’m– see, this– what kind of—
Unbelievable.
The Byronic Man 
June 15, 2012 at 3:15 am
Poor penguins.
June 15, 2012 at 5:20 am
And they have to spend half their lives huddling for warmth while we film it for documentaries, then go back to our warm compounds.
June 16, 2012 at 4:59 am
We should try living in their habitat for once!
June 15, 2012 at 3:35 am
“…Asleep? Deep in thought? Dead? Gazing seductively? All looks about the same…” I was thinking the same about this tropical environment – things move pretty slow in this heat.
Brilliant – as usual.
June 15, 2012 at 5:21 am
I think the only advantage to the freezing cold is it seems like in the heat no one moves… then war breaks out. In the cold no one wants to go outside.
June 15, 2012 at 5:47 am
So true
June 15, 2012 at 3:35 am
Hey penguin, do what ya gotta do, we humans aren’t here to judge. Video camera? What video camera? Oh, you mean this? Don’t worry, the red light means it’s off. We are in no way intending to profit from your shenanigans. Besides, you’re penguins. That means its not porn, it’s nature documentary. So go ahead, do your thing… But maybe not that necrophilia thing yeah? There’s a line that you probably don’t want to cross…
June 15, 2012 at 5:22 am
I wonder if they ever try to get the penguins to “cheat toward the camera.”
June 15, 2012 at 3:38 am
I’m with the penguin on this one. Really, was the scientist “horrified” or just jealous that they don’t have to Woo the ladies before Wowing.
June 15, 2012 at 5:23 am
That or they emulated squawking and flapping their arms and got shut down by the human ladies, and now they’re bitter.
June 15, 2012 at 4:35 am
In defense of the scientist, there wasn’t a whole lot to do down there. The book club only meets the second Tuesday of the month, and to the untrained eye, that meeting probably looks a lot like necrophilia.
June 15, 2012 at 5:25 am
True. And maybe the scientist isn’t a big reader, so the discussion just whizzed over his head. “Bah,” he said. “I’m going to go find some action. These birds are squares.”
June 15, 2012 at 6:09 am
Yeah, Uh…maybe they should do a study on what depraved acts the scientists are doing down there to pass the time in the frozen tundra?
June 15, 2012 at 4:37 am
Seriously funny! Thanks for the laugh to start my day.
June 15, 2012 at 5:25 am
My pleasure.
June 15, 2012 at 4:43 am
My fiance loves penguins, but he doesn’t love them…! I’m sensing him this post. Thank you for giving the penguins a voice, ha!
June 15, 2012 at 5:25 am
My blog: giving voice to the voiceless, waddling, adorable masses.
June 15, 2012 at 5:22 am
I love me some penguin love! Great post BTW. Mark Twain was/is one of the smartest people I have read. (still smiling)
June 15, 2012 at 5:27 am
He’s one of my absolute favorites. Except for the depression, the losing his money again and again, the violent temper tantrums… he had an amazing life, too.
June 15, 2012 at 6:08 am
Yet another brilliant and funny post. I honestly think every post of yours should be FP–especially this one about penguin necrophilia. You’ll get plenty of interesting search engine terms for this one, no doubt,
June 15, 2012 at 6:59 am
Ha ha – so true!
June 15, 2012 at 9:19 pm
That was one of my very first thoughts. Maybe I’ll get a creepy, creepy post out of the google searches.
June 15, 2012 at 6:16 am
It’s hard to say what has me laughing harder today. The blog, the photo captions or the comments. All very amusing this morning. And who doesn’t love penguins…in a very non-sexual kind of way?
June 15, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Dr. George “big prude” Levrick, apparently…
June 15, 2012 at 6:34 am
“Flippin'” awesome post!
June 15, 2012 at 6:44 am
Everything I know about penguins I learned from the classic film, Happy Feet. Surely dancing, in all cultures/species is a form of foreplay…
June 15, 2012 at 6:48 am
That’s probably in the Director’s Cut of Happy Feet.
June 15, 2012 at 6:48 am
“No, I’m not going to have sex with it”… This is the stuff great blog posts are made of.
June 15, 2012 at 7:04 am
I love how this stuff was deemed too shocking for the public 100 years ago. Now all the 3rd grade field trips to the museum are going to have do to reports on penguin necrophilia -with Powerpoint presentation.
Even more interesting are the Byronic reading habits and mental processes that snagged this little news gem, then shaped it so cleverly. Well done.
June 15, 2012 at 9:21 pm
It’s a British newspaper, therefore, sophisticated.
And there was, apparently, about a hundred years ago, a government “war on sex.”. Hard to believe that didn’t pan out…
June 15, 2012 at 7:44 am
Cute things aren’t supposed to have sex drives.
That’s why it’s so disconcerting to see your puppy getting it on with a lamppost.
June 15, 2012 at 9:22 pm
Those lampposts are insatiable.
June 15, 2012 at 7:48 am
You think it’s tough to screw a hole in a stump HERE? Try jagged ice floe-holes. Just saying…if he’s THAT ugly with THAT much competition? Maybe a dead penguin looks pretty good (and being a MAN, you’ll agree with me!). “Any port in a storm,” as one of my mates used to say (about not being GAY but when lodging with only men in a work camp for 2 years….).
June 15, 2012 at 9:24 pm
The port in a storm statement creates a rather comprehensive image, doesn’t it?
June 15, 2012 at 7:49 am
“We’ve all been there…” Hahahaha! and then there is poor old Lenny. Maybe he needs glasses!
June 15, 2012 at 9:25 pm
Hey, aren’t you that big-shot, freshly pressed blogger I’ve been hearing so much about?
June 16, 2012 at 9:24 pm
Takes one to know….oh, Hey! Don’t I know you from somewhere? Oh yah! Your the guy that got Freshly Pressed and is right below me!
I will try not to make too much noise. BANG! BANG! BANG! (((dance aerobics)))
June 15, 2012 at 7:53 am
Great post! Well, the first photo does look like a bowling alley with penguin pins.
And I don’t blame the penguins. In that weather, you’d always need a way to warm up.
June 15, 2012 at 9:26 pm
I’m sure the scientist would have suggested something. Jumping jacks, perhaps.
June 15, 2012 at 7:57 am
So wonderful you’ve provided a forum for the fornicating penguins to present their side. It was about time someone took a stand for the little perverts.
June 15, 2012 at 9:27 pm
A cross-dressing lemur will be doing a guest post next week.
June 15, 2012 at 8:20 am
Roy and Silo were two gay chinstrap penguins at Central Park Zoo. They even “adopted” an egg and helped raise a girl chick named Tango.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/02/07/MNG3N4RAV41.DTL&ao=all
I wonder what that scientist would have to say about that.
June 15, 2012 at 9:27 pm
That’ so cool!
June 15, 2012 at 8:32 am
Mom, Dad, we need to talk. Umm, well… I’m a “Male Hooligan.”
June 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm
“You wants to be a soccer player?”
Sigh. “No, I’m a… Friend of the penguins… You know…”
June 15, 2012 at 8:53 am
How on Earth you came across this article in the first place astounds me. And that you wrote a penguin response to it is even better!
Who knew the little birds were so far ahead of their time with the open-mindedness and all…
June 15, 2012 at 9:29 pm
They have very progressive health care plans, too.
June 15, 2012 at 10:51 am
What did you put into Google to stumble upon this? just curious….
By the way the bowling alley caption for that photo was apt – they look like skittles standing there…
Fancy a game of penguin skittles?
June 15, 2012 at 11:46 am
Wow. I’m wondering why Disney’s March of the Penguins didn’t cover this aspect of penguin life…the “seedy underbelly” — so to speak…
😉
June 15, 2012 at 9:04 pm
That’s in the “unrated” version.
June 15, 2012 at 10:11 pm
Well I can see WHY you received “The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write,” award! Hilarious!! SO off the wall!!!! Our kinda humor for sure!! Well, congratulations on yet another award!! I’ve NOMINATED YOU for the VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You may need another blog just to “house” your awards!! VERY DESERVING!! With this award are a few rules which I’ve posted on my site, aprairiegodmother.com, which you can copy and paste for your convenience. BTW, don’t forget to copy the Award itself and paste it to your blog!!! Display it proudly, sir!!!! THANK YOU FOR THE GREAT LAUGHS!! We look forward to more, more, more!! No pressure though.
June 16, 2012 at 9:04 am
Ha! You have a true gift for speaking on behalf of the animal kingdom. You give them a voice! I’m sure the penguins would applaud you, you know, if they could.
“…And we can’t play instruments…” I would be a very difficult penguin to woo.
June 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I’m new to your blog, Mr. B., and after plowing through about 50 political emails, it feels so good to laugh. Thank you.
June 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm
Political emails sound very funny… Unless you actually have to respond to them.
June 27, 2012 at 12:38 am
I want to visit the penguins!