Lately, in this election year, we see more and more talk about the need for employment, as well as a lot of talk about fair taxation. Many argue the solution lies in focusing our attention on – not the “rich,” how dare you use that term? That’s a hateful term. The solution lies in liberating the Job Creators. The abused, picked on Job Creators.. Despite the hardships these people face, these people – who, yes, happen to have most of the money – are selflessly willing to help the rest of us filthy hangers-on. And I am selflessly willing to let you make me one of them. Why should you please hire me to be one of these Job Creators?
I’m glad you asked.
I would be there, every day, ready and prepped to complain, via incoherent jingoism, that the government is trying to make me pay taxes and that poor people are being mean to me. “This nanny government is trying to make me drink a bucket of water and then pay to pee!” See? And that’s just off the top of my head.
Speak in inverted structure, applicant must. Looking as funny as dog in costume, an asset would be.
I can create jobs. Tons of them. “Professional Yoda impersonator.” There’s one. “Handshake Instructor.” “Curb re-painter.” Wouldn’t that be nice? No more “Uh, is that a yellow zone? Can’t tell the paint’s too faded.” Not anymore, it’s not! Let’s see… ah! A “No, I’m fine” guy. You know at the grocery store, when the bagger says, “Would you like help out to your car?” Well, instead of having to say, “No, I’m fine,” there could be someone’s whose job it was to stand next to the bagger and answer for you! Look at all these jobs I’ve created.
I am not currently rich, but I would need to be given an enormous amount of money in order to be a job creator (obviously). I am comfortable with that. Also, it would instantly create a job, because I’d quit mine. Just to be safe, though, let’s make it just a baffling amount of wealth.
What merriment the engine’s roar provides, eh? I say, fellows! My automotive racer seems to be at the lead of the herd! Foie gras for everyone, on me!
As soon as I’m insanely rich, and have completely lost touch with actual life, I would make it a priority to put in a lot of time convincing people that I’m a regular guy. I don’t know any NASCAR team owners, but I’d be willing to hang out, get to know them. I don’t know much about Nascar, but something tells me they don’t either, so I bet we’d be fine.
“I’d like to get America back on the road, but Uncle Sam’s got me rotating the tires!” Good, right? Catchy? You can just see that baby on a bumper sticker, and even I don’t know what that means!
If I’m understanding how this “job-creator” thing works, I have a pretty good checklist for earning vast wealth (via it being given to me), taking over a company, moving it overseas, getting rid of benefits to drive up the stock price, giving myself a huge raise and retiring. I’m fuzzy on how this is good for creating jobs, but I promise not to rock the boat.
Ugh. Look at that mess. Well, here’s your clippers. Best get to it.
“Tree-trimmer.” Boom. Another job created. No, I know there are already people who you can hire to come to your house and trim the trees, I mean for the forests. You go to the forest and there’s all these branches on the trees with no foliage. Ugly. Get some trimmers in there to make our forests better.
“Cat puppeteer.” Job: created.
I look quite sharp in a monocle and top hat. I’m basing my knowledge of how the elite dress on political cartoons, here.
If I stay focused, and I can find ways to blame people for their station in life with total obliviousness to reality. Can’t find a job in your urban slum? Why not contact some of your old fraternity pals and see if they can hook you up! Losing your home? Have you considered cashing in some stocks? Exhausted to the point of chronic illness trying to support 3 kids on a single, minimum-wage salary? Perhaps hire a live-in nanny or two to look after the kids!
By keeping enough money for myself and my family that no one I know ever has to work again – for many generations – I keep them out of the work force, thus opening up jobs. You’re welcome.
“Blog commenter.” Thought of another one. Please apply below.
The Byronic Man 
May 21, 2012 at 3:40 am
You would have given Marie Antoinette a run for her money.
May 21, 2012 at 7:28 am
Let them eat flat tax!
May 21, 2012 at 4:03 am
I hope the Feds aren’t reading this…they aren’t fond of people with IDEAS. I want to be a Cat Puppeteer…because I do.
May 21, 2012 at 7:27 am
Oh, I think it’s safe to say that nothing I’ll propose constitutes an “idea.”
May 21, 2012 at 4:40 am
Dang, I was going to mention Blog Commenter but you beat me to it with your last line. Dang, dang … dammit.
I could create jobs, you could hire me to be your first assistant job creator. I could cruise shopping malls and create jobs for those poor lost souls (women) who forgot to look in the mirror before leaving the house. They must return to the store and purchase a mirror. There a millions of these women in Texas, across the South? Who knows. Open an industry “not fun house mirrors” and hire to create inexpensive mirrors, bam an industry is born and jobs created.
Can you tell I am annoyed by these women?
May 21, 2012 at 5:52 am
I’ll open makeover stations – once these ladies get a good look at themselves, they’ll be dying to get fixed up…
May 21, 2012 at 7:55 am
Only if they are not allowed to provide any input, none, zero, zilch. You do know in Texas many of my contemporaries still believe the bigger the hair the closer to God, right? Unfortunately they also believe their skirts and dresses should chase their hair right up their legs and onto their azzes! They also believe Pink is the new neutral and use it with gusto on cheeks and elsewhere.
You can definitely open the makeover station, unfortunately I suspect all you will get is the prom queens wanting free make-up for the big night (make it waterproof) they don’t want it to run when they give up their (you know) to that big handsome cowboy.
May 21, 2012 at 7:57 am
{{{Shudder}}}
May 21, 2012 at 7:26 am
I can delete that last line, if you’d like. I aim to please.
And, yes, the “I have completely given up on life” look isn’t an inspiring one.
May 21, 2012 at 7:56 am
They haven’t given up, this is their Sunday go to Meeting look. It is Texas after all.
May 21, 2012 at 5:50 am
Just when I was going to apply for the post of Assistant Job Creator, the previous commenter beat me to it!! Not Fair! Anyway, I assure you I could be an awesome assistant. So, maybe you could think of appointing me as the…ummm…2nd Assistant or Co-assistant or something? 😀 If nothing works, then I guess I’ll make do with the Blog Commenter post. 😛
May 21, 2012 at 7:24 am
Oh, I’m going to need a LOT of assistants. As soon as I’m a job creator I’m not lifting a finger for anything except complaining about the government.
May 21, 2012 at 6:03 am
Okay, here’s a quiz:
Do you have more money than a small Asian country?
Can you explain tying your shoes in 1000 wds or more?
Would you miss any embarassing relatives?
Would being a Republican and the loss of your soul matter?
Can you hire at least 100 unemployed sycophants?
Are you prepared to take over if the POTUS is “unavailable”?
Are you willing to pay me $7,500 per month as an advisor?
May 21, 2012 at 7:23 am
Well, let me ask you:
Can you find a way to blame immigrants for high gas prices in less than 30 seconds?
Can you think of 25 similarities between Obama and Hitler?
Are you willing to cover up my many, many affairs with prostitutes and other men on our national “Save Traditional Families” tour?
If I say something to the press like, “Poor people smell and are obviously unclear on which end of the toothbrush goes in the mouth,” can you spin that in to something positive?
May 21, 2012 at 7:27 am
Okay you got the job. You sure can obfuscate.
May 21, 2012 at 6:14 am
The yoda thing is genius – more of these we need !
I tease my friend she is a Professional Tweeter – she does marketing and promotions & its part of what she offers to get businesses “out there”.
The tree trimmer gave me an idea, I’d like to apply for “beach comber” – you know those little rakes you get with the mini bonzai/ zen sand tablescapes? I think there should be some of us out there doing this on a larger scale to keep our beaches pretty….
May 21, 2012 at 7:19 am
Professional Tweeter makes me think of those people whose job it is to generate “buzz” by hanging out in bars and talking about how awesome Absolut Chutney, or whatever, is.
Hey, I just invented a product. That should generate jobs, right?
May 21, 2012 at 6:22 am
Well clearly you’re well overdue for baffling amounts of wealth. Someone should be embarrassed.
“My automotive racer seems to be at the lead of the herd!” ha ha! I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it works.
P.S. – Given that I’m you, is it odd that we both mentioned ‘puppeteers’ in today’s posts, or is it just kind of to be expected?
P.P.S. – I assume every post-script earns me overtime.
P.P.P.S. – Right?
May 21, 2012 at 7:17 am
Don’t worry, you get Internet and a Half when you include post-scripts. It’s in your contract.
May 21, 2012 at 7:11 am
I’d just like to be a fire watcher, but I think they’ve done away with that job. Crap. How about “Trophy wife for professional athlete?”
May 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Careful what you wish for on those pro athletes.
Pro fire watcher on the other hand…
May 21, 2012 at 7:25 am
Herewith please accept my application for Blog Commenter.
The one negative trait I have is my perfectionism. You’ll never find more perfect blog comments than mine. Take this comment, for example.
PS – If I could be any tree I would be an elm.
May 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Next question: If you could be any pre-formatted, generically bizarre interview question that creates a thinly veiled, 2-dimensional metaphor for your psychology, what would it be?
May 21, 2012 at 7:43 am
I want to apply for Chief Incoherent Jingoist. What kind of benefit package does that job offer?
May 21, 2012 at 5:17 pm
The incoherent jingoist position benefits package includes 2 weeks a year of “taking the reins and going where the action is.” Also, use of the company “Give a Hand Up, Not A Hand Out,” and after six months you become eligible for our “Uncle Sam wants to quit waterin’ and tell us the lawn’s mowed!” program.
May 21, 2012 at 9:31 am
half the jobs in existence are already this much of a joke. they only exist to give people something to do, because there’s too many people to employ at necessary jobs. how about solo/family subsistence farmer on your own acreage?
May 21, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Nonsense. The Earth needs 13 billion people before there’s enough. Why else would the global summit on population control have chosen that as the cap number?
May 21, 2012 at 7:01 pm
people frighten me. Saudi is like this…don’t acknowledge anything needs maintenance, just wait til it breaks then pay an expat to fix it. If you suggest prevention it’s like your from the planet Zorkbot suggesting Flukelgiblet. I wanna spaceship.
May 21, 2012 at 9:56 am
I have always found it interesting that these “job creators” had eight years of tax cuts meant to stimulate economic growth, and yet the jobs went away. I would apply for Political De-BSer, but I’m pretty sure nobody would hire me.
May 21, 2012 at 5:19 pm
It takes 9 years to create a job. Economic fact. We were *this* close.
May 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Absolut Chutney?! You’re hired!
May 21, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Try it over ice with chickpeas!
May 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm
I’m responding to the “blog commenter” job listing. Do you pay hourly or by the comment?
May 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm
I pay by the typo that you catch .5 seconds after hitting “submit comment.”
May 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Since you’ve probably already filled all the blog commenter positions, I’ll take the Chief Blog Post Like Clicker position. Or whatever job requires the least amount of physical exertion or clever thinking on my part.
May 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm
I would like to hire someone to create WordPress accounts all day, and then subscribe to blogs. Ideally mine, but also my friends’. “Wow!” people will say. “You have so many subscribers! Weird that you get so few hits each day, and so few comments…”
May 22, 2012 at 5:20 pm
You’ve been on a roll with your comments lately, Darla. I do believe you should have stayed with the blog commenter job.
May 21, 2012 at 6:04 pm
I would like to apply for the position of morale officer. I would be most happy to post silly pictures, plan parties and potlucks and tell everyone that comments on your blog that they have the rest of the day off as a reward for participation. I would gladly take my salary in dark 83% chocolate.
May 22, 2012 at 6:23 am
How flexible are you on what the other 17% is made of?
May 22, 2012 at 9:32 am
I’m always willing to negotiate.
May 22, 2012 at 12:35 am
“Blog commentator” might be taken, but I think the position of “Most Inspiring Blog Award Decider” is available. Y’know, sort of the Jim McMahon/Publisher’s Clearinghouse of the blog world. This is a critical role that should be centralized, to allow for increased efficiencies and higher quality. I’m the MIBAD America needs!
May 22, 2012 at 6:25 am
I suspect blog awards could benefit from a czar of some sorts, before the hyperbole gets out of control. “I’m giving you the ‘Singular Literary Genius and Shifter of Global Consciousness award!” “Wow! How’d I get that? I got it, and have to name 75 blogs I like.”
May 22, 2012 at 1:17 am
Yes and again one of the jobs for which you are so totally ready and qualified…
and when you do get the job( which you will) please pease please give me an OMG sayers job..whenever people need to say OMG i will say that on their behalf..please sir.
May 22, 2012 at 6:25 am
How are you with LOL-ing? I may need you to multi-task.
May 22, 2012 at 11:17 am
OMG ..lol..wow..awesome i can i can
May 22, 2012 at 1:32 am
The only job that would interest me at this point would be “Professional Bitch Slapper” available for use on every Billionaire, Corporate CEO and Politician so that they can say
“Thanks…I needed that,” before I reply “Don’t call me Shirley.”
May 22, 2012 at 6:26 am
And if they didn’t get it you could slap them again, but this time for not having seen Airplane!, which could explain why they’re so awful.
May 22, 2012 at 6:40 am
Clearly there’s a good bit of dust gathering on your monocle, sir!
Why, any old-timey chap can clearly see it’s my automotive racer who has taken the lead…
by at least two fathoms in my estimation!
May 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm
Yes, I do want to be paid for my comments and I hope you will consider this my formal application.
This post reminds me of the Great Depression and the New Deal and whatever part of that had to do with frivolous job creation. Apparently to get people back to work there were lots of great jobs being created, like men assigned to dig holes and then other men assigned to later fill those same holes. Brilliant. But your cat puppeteer idea is even better.
May 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look who’s leaving the comments now! New Deal? Great Depression?
And where can I find this ‘hole-digger-refiller’ gig?
May 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm
I often try to work in my passion for history into blog comments.
Next time: William H. Taft was our largest president and got stuck in a bathtub. Can’t wait to work that in somewhere.
May 22, 2012 at 5:50 pm
It’s official. I have just read a comment and burst into tears.
You. Are. Killing. Me. Here.
May 22, 2012 at 5:39 pm
…and how unbelievably adorable is it that your picture is featured right up there on B-man’s blog? I vote that he keeps it up there for all eternity.
May 22, 2012 at 5:43 pm
That brat’s little gap-mouthed mug just brings happiness into your heart, doesn’t it? If we could find a way to beam this face onto the moon, I bet we’d have world peace.
May 22, 2012 at 5:53 pm
…can’t breathe…must get air…can’t stop…laughing…
Ok. (deep breath) I’m fine now. Hysterical laughter is fading. (wiping tears)
Yes, I do believe that your charming face would bring peace and love and rainbows and unicorns to every man, woman and child in the world. We must find a way to beam it onto the moon straight away. Our very existence on this planet is at stake here!
May 22, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Into mine too. I clicked “follow” on your blog before I had read a word. I just figured she needed a friend.
May 22, 2012 at 6:09 pm
I have no problem with pandering, um, that is getting blog followers purely out of sympathy.
May 22, 2012 at 6:16 pm
It may well be the best kid’s photo of all time. I smile every single time I look at it. In a nice, non perverted way.
May 22, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Yes, but you’re laughing with me and not at me, right? Right? Oh hell, I don’t care anymore.
May 22, 2012 at 7:28 pm
Always with you. Because I was in the same boat. I am just not nearly as brave as you. I keep pictures to myself.
May 23, 2012 at 10:36 am
Are you kidding? I’m with Elyse, your photo is without a doubt the best photo I’ve ever seen. Even better and cuter and sweeter than the kindergarten picture of me wearing my tortoise-shell glasses.
May 22, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Well, I am late to the party, but I don’t believe that anyone has offered up themselves as “Job Creator Coordinator.” Therefore I take the liberty of posting my qualifications.
I have no college degree, no master’s no relevant experience in the field in which I work. However, I have supervisory authority over two PhDs, three workers with Masters degrees, and five with MPHs. They all do what I say, and thank me for asking.
Therefore, as you can see, I am perfect for the position of “Job Creator Coordinator.”
I also juggle.
May 22, 2012 at 9:25 pm
I’d like to apply for the position to carry your pocket money around. Obviously it would be too much for a pocket, so you would need someone to carry it & peel the bills off should you desire to spend some of it. Thank you for considering my application.
May 23, 2012 at 3:18 am
Can I be a “magic beans” facilitator, please? With all the world economies clinging on to the precipice by whatever’s underneath their toenails (a cleaning job for somebody perchance?) redemption can only come finding the (some say mythical) ” magic beans”. (Book of Jack Chapter 12 Verses 5 through 8 – Orthodox Translation)
I’d be happy to help locate said beans – or sit on a working committee….don’t have a cow to take to market…unless drawing a picture counts…?
oh…and “last-minute typos in blogs inserter…” The fin I could have with that!
May 24, 2012 at 11:16 am
It has been a while since I’ve stopped and I wanted to say that you can hire me to be a layabout. Somebody needs to do it and why not somebody who has contributed through income tax NON-STOP since 1987? I’d have more time to siesta, read blogs, comment on them and I’d probably bring about world peace. Ya know. Time to work on shite.
June 15, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Toilet flusher… it`s a dirty job, but there`s an opening right there (literally)!
June 15, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Look at that. Economy? Fixed.
July 28, 2013 at 6:20 am
Unfortunately, in order to become rich, the jobs you create must be genuinely useful.
July 29, 2013 at 6:24 pm
Tell that to Ray Croc.