Please Hire Me To Be A “Job Creator”

May 21, 2012

Humor, Please Hire Me...

Lately, in this election year, we see more and more talk about the need for employment, as well as a lot of talk about fair taxation.  Many argue the solution lies in focusing our attention on – not the “rich,” how dare you use that term?  That’s a hateful term.  The solution lies in liberating the Job Creators.  The abused, picked on Job Creators..  Despite the hardships these people face, these people – who, yes, happen to have most of the money – are selflessly willing to help the rest of us filthy hangers-on.  And I am selflessly willing to let you make me one of them.  Why should you please hire me to be one of these Job Creators?

I’m glad you asked.

I would be there, every day, ready and prepped to complain, via incoherent jingoism, that the government is trying to make me pay taxes and that poor people are being mean to me.  “This nanny government is trying to make me drink a bucket of water and then pay to pee!”  See? And that’s just off the top of my head.

Speak in inverted structure, applicant must. Looking as funny as dog in costume, an asset would be.

I can create jobs. Tons of them.  “Professional Yoda impersonator.” There’s one. “Handshake Instructor.”  “Curb re-painter.”  Wouldn’t that be nice?  No more “Uh, is that a yellow zone?  Can’t tell the paint’s too faded.”  Not anymore, it’s not!  Let’s see… ah!  A “No, I’m fine” guy.  You know at the grocery store, when the bagger says, “Would you like help out to your car?” Well, instead of having to say, “No, I’m fine,” there could be someone’s whose job it was to stand next to the bagger and answer for you!  Look at all these jobs I’ve created.

I am not currently rich, but I would need to be given an enormous amount of money in order to be a job creator (obviously).  I am comfortable with that.  Also, it would instantly create a job, because I’d quit mine.  Just to be safe, though, let’s make it just a baffling amount of wealth.

What merriment the engine’s roar provides, eh? I say, fellows! My automotive racer seems to be at the lead of the herd! Foie gras for everyone, on me!

As soon as I’m insanely rich, and have completely lost touch with actual life, I would make it a priority to put in a lot of time convincing people that I’m a regular guy.  I don’t know any NASCAR team owners, but I’d be willing to hang out, get to know them.  I don’t know much about Nascar, but something tells me they don’t either, so I bet we’d be fine.

“I’d like to get America back on the road, but Uncle Sam’s got me rotating the tires!”  Good, right?  Catchy?  You can just see that baby on a bumper sticker, and even I don’t know what that means!

If I’m understanding how this “job-creator” thing works, I have a pretty good checklist for earning vast wealth (via it being given to me), taking over a company, moving it overseas, getting rid of benefits to drive up the stock price, giving myself a huge raise and retiring. I’m fuzzy on how this is good for creating jobs, but I promise not to rock the boat.

Ugh. Look at that mess. Well, here’s your clippers. Best get to it.

“Tree-trimmer.”  Boom.  Another job created.  No, I know there are already people who you can hire to come to your house and trim the trees, I mean for the forests.  You go to the forest and there’s all these branches on the trees with no foliage.  Ugly.  Get some trimmers in there to make our forests better.

“Cat puppeteer.”  Job: created.

I look quite sharp in a monocle and top hat.  I’m basing my knowledge of how the elite dress on political cartoons, here.

If I stay focused, and I can find ways to blame people for their station in life with total obliviousness to reality.  Can’t find a job in your urban slum?  Why not contact some of your old fraternity pals and see if they can hook you up!  Losing your home?  Have you considered cashing in some stocks?   Exhausted to the point of chronic illness trying to support 3 kids on a single, minimum-wage salary?  Perhaps hire a live-in nanny or two to look after the kids!

By keeping enough money for myself and my family that no one  I know ever has to work again – for many generations – I keep them out of the work force, thus opening up jobs.  You’re welcome.

“Blog commenter.” Thought of another one.  Please apply below.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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69 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be A “Job Creator””

  1. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    You would have given Marie Antoinette a run for her money.

    Reply

  2. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I hope the Feds aren’t reading this…they aren’t fond of people with IDEAS. I want to be a Cat Puppeteer…because I do.

    Reply

  3. Valentine Logar Says:

    Dang, I was going to mention Blog Commenter but you beat me to it with your last line. Dang, dang … dammit.

    I could create jobs, you could hire me to be your first assistant job creator. I could cruise shopping malls and create jobs for those poor lost souls (women) who forgot to look in the mirror before leaving the house. They must return to the store and purchase a mirror. There a millions of these women in Texas, across the South? Who knows. Open an industry “not fun house mirrors” and hire to create inexpensive mirrors, bam an industry is born and jobs created.

    Can you tell I am annoyed by these women?

    Reply

    • k8edid Says:

      I’ll open makeover stations – once these ladies get a good look at themselves, they’ll be dying to get fixed up…

      Reply

      • Valentine Logar Says:

        Only if they are not allowed to provide any input, none, zero, zilch. You do know in Texas many of my contemporaries still believe the bigger the hair the closer to God, right? Unfortunately they also believe their skirts and dresses should chase their hair right up their legs and onto their azzes! They also believe Pink is the new neutral and use it with gusto on cheeks and elsewhere.

        You can definitely open the makeover station, unfortunately I suspect all you will get is the prom queens wanting free make-up for the big night (make it waterproof) they don’t want it to run when they give up their (you know) to that big handsome cowboy.

        Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I can delete that last line, if you’d like. I aim to please.

      And, yes, the “I have completely given up on life” look isn’t an inspiring one.

      Reply

  4. Roshni Says:

    Just when I was going to apply for the post of Assistant Job Creator, the previous commenter beat me to it!! Not Fair! Anyway, I assure you I could be an awesome assistant. So, maybe you could think of appointing me as the…ummm…2nd Assistant or Co-assistant or something? 😀 If nothing works, then I guess I’ll make do with the Blog Commenter post. 😛

    Reply

  5. tomwisk Says:

    Okay, here’s a quiz:
    Do you have more money than a small Asian country?
    Can you explain tying your shoes in 1000 wds or more?
    Would you miss any embarassing relatives?
    Would being a Republican and the loss of your soul matter?
    Can you hire at least 100 unemployed sycophants?
    Are you prepared to take over if the POTUS is “unavailable”?
    Are you willing to pay me $7,500 per month as an advisor?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, let me ask you:
      Can you find a way to blame immigrants for high gas prices in less than 30 seconds?
      Can you think of 25 similarities between Obama and Hitler?
      Are you willing to cover up my many, many affairs with prostitutes and other men on our national “Save Traditional Families” tour?
      If I say something to the press like, “Poor people smell and are obviously unclear on which end of the toothbrush goes in the mouth,” can you spin that in to something positive?

      Reply

  6. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    The yoda thing is genius – more of these we need !

    I tease my friend she is a Professional Tweeter – she does marketing and promotions & its part of what she offers to get businesses “out there”.
    The tree trimmer gave me an idea, I’d like to apply for “beach comber” – you know those little rakes you get with the mini bonzai/ zen sand tablescapes? I think there should be some of us out there doing this on a larger scale to keep our beaches pretty….

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Professional Tweeter makes me think of those people whose job it is to generate “buzz” by hanging out in bars and talking about how awesome Absolut Chutney, or whatever, is.

      Hey, I just invented a product. That should generate jobs, right?

      Reply

  7. gojulesgo Says:

    Well clearly you’re well overdue for baffling amounts of wealth. Someone should be embarrassed.

    “My automotive racer seems to be at the lead of the herd!” ha ha! I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it works.

    P.S. – Given that I’m you, is it odd that we both mentioned ‘puppeteers’ in today’s posts, or is it just kind of to be expected?

    P.P.S. – I assume every post-script earns me overtime.

    P.P.P.S. – Right?

    Reply

  8. Howlin' Mad Heather Says:

    I’d just like to be a fire watcher, but I think they’ve done away with that job. Crap. How about “Trophy wife for professional athlete?”

    Reply

  9. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Herewith please accept my application for Blog Commenter.
    The one negative trait I have is my perfectionism. You’ll never find more perfect blog comments than mine. Take this comment, for example.

    PS – If I could be any tree I would be an elm.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Next question: If you could be any pre-formatted, generically bizarre interview question that creates a thinly veiled, 2-dimensional metaphor for your psychology, what would it be?

      Reply

  10. pegoleg Says:

    I want to apply for Chief Incoherent Jingoist. What kind of benefit package does that job offer?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      The incoherent jingoist position benefits package includes 2 weeks a year of “taking the reins and going where the action is.” Also, use of the company “Give a Hand Up, Not A Hand Out,” and after six months you become eligible for our “Uncle Sam wants to quit waterin’ and tell us the lawn’s mowed!” program.

      Reply

  11. Anastasia Says:

    half the jobs in existence are already this much of a joke. they only exist to give people something to do, because there’s too many people to employ at necessary jobs. how about solo/family subsistence farmer on your own acreage?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Nonsense. The Earth needs 13 billion people before there’s enough. Why else would the global summit on population control have chosen that as the cap number?

      Reply

      • Anastasia Says:

        people frighten me. Saudi is like this…don’t acknowledge anything needs maintenance, just wait til it breaks then pay an expat to fix it. If you suggest prevention it’s like your from the planet Zorkbot suggesting Flukelgiblet. I wanna spaceship.

        Reply

  12. thesinglecell Says:

    I have always found it interesting that these “job creators” had eight years of tax cuts meant to stimulate economic growth, and yet the jobs went away. I would apply for Political De-BSer, but I’m pretty sure nobody would hire me.

    Reply

  13. 1pointperspective Says:

    Absolut Chutney?! You’re hired!

    Reply

  14. Audrey Says:

    I’m responding to the “blog commenter” job listing. Do you pay hourly or by the comment?

    Reply

  15. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Since you’ve probably already filled all the blog commenter positions, I’ll take the Chief Blog Post Like Clicker position. Or whatever job requires the least amount of physical exertion or clever thinking on my part.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I would like to hire someone to create WordPress accounts all day, and then subscribe to blogs. Ideally mine, but also my friends’. “Wow!” people will say. “You have so many subscribers! Weird that you get so few hits each day, and so few comments…”

      Reply

    • Angie Z. Says:

      You’ve been on a roll with your comments lately, Darla. I do believe you should have stayed with the blog commenter job.

      Reply

  16. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    I would like to apply for the position of morale officer. I would be most happy to post silly pictures, plan parties and potlucks and tell everyone that comments on your blog that they have the rest of the day off as a reward for participation. I would gladly take my salary in dark 83% chocolate.

    Reply

  17. freddyflow Says:

    “Blog commentator” might be taken, but I think the position of “Most Inspiring Blog Award Decider” is available. Y’know, sort of the Jim McMahon/Publisher’s Clearinghouse of the blog world. This is a critical role that should be centralized, to allow for increased efficiencies and higher quality. I’m the MIBAD America needs!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I suspect blog awards could benefit from a czar of some sorts, before the hyperbole gets out of control. “I’m giving you the ‘Singular Literary Genius and Shifter of Global Consciousness award!” “Wow! How’d I get that? I got it, and have to name 75 blogs I like.”

      Reply

  18. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Yes and again one of the jobs for which you are so totally ready and qualified…
    and when you do get the job( which you will) please pease please give me an OMG sayers job..whenever people need to say OMG i will say that on their behalf..please sir.

    Reply

  19. Paul G. Eberlein Says:

    The only job that would interest me at this point would be “Professional Bitch Slapper” available for use on every Billionaire, Corporate CEO and Politician so that they can say
    “Thanks…I needed that,” before I reply “Don’t call me Shirley.”

    Reply

  20. spilledinkguy Says:

    Clearly there’s a good bit of dust gathering on your monocle, sir!
    Why, any old-timey chap can clearly see it’s my automotive racer who has taken the lead…
    by at least two fathoms in my estimation!

    Reply

  21. Angie Z. Says:

    Yes, I do want to be paid for my comments and I hope you will consider this my formal application.

    This post reminds me of the Great Depression and the New Deal and whatever part of that had to do with frivolous job creation. Apparently to get people back to work there were lots of great jobs being created, like men assigned to dig holes and then other men assigned to later fill those same holes. Brilliant. But your cat puppeteer idea is even better.

    Reply

    • She's a Maineiac Says:

      Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look who’s leaving the comments now! New Deal? Great Depression?

      And where can I find this ‘hole-digger-refiller’ gig?

      Reply

    • She's a Maineiac Says:

      …and how unbelievably adorable is it that your picture is featured right up there on B-man’s blog? I vote that he keeps it up there for all eternity.

      Reply

      • Angie Z. Says:

        That brat’s little gap-mouthed mug just brings happiness into your heart, doesn’t it? If we could find a way to beam this face onto the moon, I bet we’d have world peace.

        Reply

        • She's a Maineiac Says:

          …can’t breathe…must get air…can’t stop…laughing…

          Ok. (deep breath) I’m fine now. Hysterical laughter is fading. (wiping tears)

          Yes, I do believe that your charming face would bring peace and love and rainbows and unicorns to every man, woman and child in the world. We must find a way to beam it onto the moon straight away. Our very existence on this planet is at stake here!

          Reply

        • Elyse Says:

          Into mine too. I clicked “follow” on your blog before I had read a word. I just figured she needed a friend.

          Reply

  22. Elyse Says:

    Well, I am late to the party, but I don’t believe that anyone has offered up themselves as “Job Creator Coordinator.” Therefore I take the liberty of posting my qualifications.

    I have no college degree, no master’s no relevant experience in the field in which I work. However, I have supervisory authority over two PhDs, three workers with Masters degrees, and five with MPHs. They all do what I say, and thank me for asking.

    Therefore, as you can see, I am perfect for the position of “Job Creator Coordinator.”

    I also juggle.

    Reply

  23. benzeknees Says:

    I’d like to apply for the position to carry your pocket money around. Obviously it would be too much for a pocket, so you would need someone to carry it & peel the bills off should you desire to spend some of it. Thank you for considering my application.

    Reply

  24. they still let me vote Says:

    Can I be a “magic beans” facilitator, please? With all the world economies clinging on to the precipice by whatever’s underneath their toenails (a cleaning job for somebody perchance?) redemption can only come finding the (some say mythical) ” magic beans”. (Book of Jack Chapter 12 Verses 5 through 8 – Orthodox Translation)
    I’d be happy to help locate said beans – or sit on a working committee….don’t have a cow to take to market…unless drawing a picture counts…?

    oh…and “last-minute typos in blogs inserter…” The fin I could have with that!

    Reply

  25. madtante Says:

    It has been a while since I’ve stopped and I wanted to say that you can hire me to be a layabout. Somebody needs to do it and why not somebody who has contributed through income tax NON-STOP since 1987? I’d have more time to siesta, read blogs, comment on them and I’d probably bring about world peace. Ya know. Time to work on shite.

    Reply

  26. theduffboy Says:

    Toilet flusher… it`s a dirty job, but there`s an opening right there (literally)!

    Reply

  27. Derek Zenith Says:

    Unfortunately, in order to become rich, the jobs you create must be genuinely useful.

    Reply

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