Here at The Byronic Man, we believe in doing things the old-fashioned way. Earning our bones, so to speak. So, sure, I’d love to expand my readership at a fast-pace, but I’m more concerned with quality readers – readers I care about and cultivate. And so I’m very, very, very excited to let you know that come early October, I will be expanding my subscribers by 1. A reader I just can’t wait to meet. Yes, readers, my wife – with me as support crew – is currently working on a little Byronic Boy or Girl – our first.
I know.
It’s wonderful, terrifying, fun, exciting and stressful. I’m not too worried, though, because I know the stressful part will only last until, oh, right around the moment of my death – give or take 30 seconds.
Take a good look, Junior. Someday you'll be sneaking in to classes in these hallowed halls.
We’ve been slow to tell a lot of people, because we often play things close to the vest, it’s frightening, and because I can be a mildly superstitious person normally, and this has sent me in to overdrive. I intend to actually name the baby as a college graduation gift, for fear of jinxing anything by thinking about names too soon. I’m kidding, of course. By 2030 no one will be able to afford college.
I will tell you that if you want to tell someone you’re having a baby? It’s generally better to tell women than men.
Woman reacting to other woman saying she’s pregnant:
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” HugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHug
Man reacting to man saying he and his wife are going to have a baby:
“Huh. Was it on purpose?”
“That’s great. Hope you like being exhausted.”
You ever try to clean fecal water out of a tub? Yeah, well, you will.
“Hey, congratulations. The other day I was giving my daughter a bath and she shit in the tub. Just a giant crap; right in the tub.”
But that’s okay. I’ve gotten all the congratulations I need. And nothing’s going to harsh this buzz – except my wife saying something like “ow” which immediately sends me in to total lockdown, crisis-management mode.
I suppose there are easier ways to find new readers – but I sure can’t think of a more exciting one.
Tomorrow: A Brief Timeline of The Story So Far.
The Byronic Man 
April 23, 2012 at 3:13 am
Congratulations. Hard work but well worth it 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 3:36 am
Well, I would just like to say,
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (hug, hug, hug)
This is so exciting! Huge congrats to you guys!! A little Byronic man! (my guess is boy, of course I have a 50/50 chance of getting it right unless you have an alien)
And I can one up your shit in the tub story, my husband actually was IN the tub with my 1 year old son when he pooped (my son, not my husband)
April 23, 2012 at 6:26 am
I hope your husband showed him how it’s done in there.
April 23, 2012 at 3:50 am
First – congratulations!!! You realize you’re going to get at least one book about fatherhood from someone…I don’t know who it will be, but it will happen. Also, “Hey, congratulations. The other day I was giving my daughter a bath and she shit in the tub. Just a giant crap; right in the tub” is totally my line.
April 23, 2012 at 6:28 am
I’ve gotten one so far. It had some good information, but it also seemed geared primarily toward the fragile male ego. Lots of reassuring about how to make sure I was getting my fair share of attention (which has been about #7,000 on my list of concerns).
April 23, 2012 at 4:00 am
OMG, OMG, OMG. (Jumping up and down) Of course, the name will be chosen by “Question of the Week”, right? So very exciting.
April 23, 2012 at 4:05 am
Best idea I’ve ever heard.
My vote is: She’sAMaineiac, I need to drum up more attention for my blog. Thanks, B-man!
April 23, 2012 at 4:08 am
I claim, right here, right now Byronica.
April 23, 2012 at 4:17 am
Well, he’s having a boy, so it’s gonna be:
Lil’ Byro or Bryonic 2.0
April 23, 2012 at 10:28 am
How about Bryromaniac? Eh? Eh?
April 23, 2012 at 11:34 am
Wait a minute. I forgot this name was already suggested for Byronic blog followers, so this is neither creative nor a funny juxtaposition of Bryon and Darla’s blog name. Never mind.
April 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Wait a sec, Peg! It has potential. Maybe Byromaineiac would have a better ring to it?
April 23, 2012 at 6:31 am
“Lisa?”
“Here.”
“Evan?”
“Here”
“Byronicman.com?”
“Ugh. Here.”
April 23, 2012 at 6:28 am
I can’t think of any reason my wife would object to a Question of the Week naming contest…
April 23, 2012 at 4:04 am
Congrats old man. I know you’re not old right now, but…..
Your bathtub comment had me laughing – my grand daughter has shit in our tub so many times we’ve lost count. I think she enjoys watching Nana jump around and try to manage the soggy catastrophe. We’re starting to wonder if when potty training comes around, if she’ll want to bathe in the toilet.
As if we mere mortals weren’t already beholden to your blog supremacy, you’ll have a new, endless source of topics.
On that topic, I can’t believe you aren’t having us line up to enter the contest to name Baby Byronic. For the record, I’m putting my entry in early for Byronia if it’s a girl, and Bogey if it’s a boy.
In all seriousness, congrats and best wishes to you guys.
April 23, 2012 at 6:34 am
Thanks. And I’ve always been fairly baby-faced, so we’ll see if this averages me out. Although, I’ve explained to the fetus that I’ve kept my hair this long, and I do NOT want any shenanigans that will mess that up. So, that’s all cleared up.
April 23, 2012 at 4:20 am
Congratulations!! So, so exciting!
April 23, 2012 at 6:34 am
It is. Waaaay more exciting than when other people have babies.
April 23, 2012 at 5:37 am
Fantastic. Enjoy that sleep now, man. 😉 (Isn’t it kind of nice to know your boys can swim?)
April 23, 2012 at 6:36 am
Psh. With my raw masculinity? Sometimes I have to be careful about not holding a woman’s gaze too long for fear of impregnating her.
Also, yes. Yes it is.
April 23, 2012 at 5:39 am
and more Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (hughughug) !!! A BYRONIC BABY !!!
I can help – 1) your wife gets ANYthing she wants – she’s growing teeny, tiny organs and
2)keep reading my posts, its the perfect “what NOT to do” !
April 23, 2012 at 6:39 am
So far this morning I’ve made her breakfast, and lunch, and snack, and tea, and walked the dogs and cleaned the kitty litter and brought her ovaltine & rubbed her back while she threw up. I’m pretty solid on #1. She’s already remarked that except for the nausea, discomfort, etc. she’d stay pregnant all the time if it’s going to be like this!
April 23, 2012 at 6:23 am
Congratulations! A brand new Byromaniac! How kool is that? Enjoy the ride. 😉
April 23, 2012 at 6:39 am
Thanks! And it is very kool.
April 23, 2012 at 6:53 am
Sooooooooo exciting,CONGRATULATIONS! The LOVE is about to explode! in your life 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm
I’m already well on my way to being over-the-top proud/emotional about the whole thing. Prepare to find me insufferable.
April 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm
If not now..when? 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 6:55 am
EEEEEEEEEE! So exciting! (was it on purpose?)
April 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm
I’ve just never gotten to deal with crapping in a tub.
April 23, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Perfect answer.
April 23, 2012 at 7:11 am
Congratulations Byronic man and woman!
I am so excited for you. It’s a life changer, but the best one you could ever hope to have. 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Nah. A person whose entire physical existence, and moral, social and intellectual development is dependent on us? I don’t think it’ll impact things very much.
April 23, 2012 at 7:47 am
Congrats on eagerly anticipated new addition to your family! Great way to create your own fans 🙂 I’m a new blogger, still exploring and taking things in. Enjoying your blog, thank you.
April 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Well, I wouldn’t recommend this strategy as a long-term strategy for expanding your subscribers.
April 23, 2012 at 8:04 am
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Byronic!!
My boys never pooped in the tub, so I cannot relate to the tub stories. Rest assured, I’m OK with the fact I cannot relate.
April 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm
It’s never too late!
April 23, 2012 at 8:05 am
Congrats!! When do you get to find out if you’re having a Byronic-boy or Byronic-girl? 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm
A couple weeks. I get short of breath just thinking about it.
April 23, 2012 at 8:29 am
Well. You’ve given me no choice but to say, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! HugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHug.
Seriously – congratulations!!! My jaw literally dropped when I read this (in the good way!), and I’m so happy for you and your wife!!! You should add a college donation widget to your side bar, stat.
April 23, 2012 at 8:31 am
P.S. – But be honest – did you do it just for the funny stories? ‘Cause I would. I totally would.
April 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm
That’s a good idea about the sidebar widget. And, you better believe I did it for the stories. It’s HARD coming up with new things to write about all the time.
April 23, 2012 at 9:28 am
Congrats! Every man deserves a little one to whom he can say, “Pull my finger” and always get a laugh…
April 23, 2012 at 2:29 pm
I’m working on a complete repertoire of “things to make small children laugh.”
April 23, 2012 at 10:06 am
Creating your own worshipers is always wise when your goal is to be a cult leader. Congrats to you both on this blessing! Kids provide great writing material too.
April 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm
That’s true. I’m not sure how my wife will feel about me impregnating all the Byronic Cult sister-wives, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of phrasing it right.
April 23, 2012 at 10:13 am
There’s already a Mrs Byronic Woman, so I assume the squirtlette will be the 6 Million Dollar Fan?
Congrats.. scary! have fun 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Well, I did want to be called Steve Austin when I was a kid.
April 23, 2012 at 10:14 am
Oh, I forgot. EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! hughughug, etc.
April 23, 2012 at 10:29 am
Adding more “ee”s and “hugs” to everybody else’s above. I hope you are feeling fine and not having any morning sickness. Oh, and your wife, too.
April 23, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Her nausea has been terrible. ‘Round the clock. Rough stuff.
April 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Oh jeez, the poor thing. I never had that problem and I can’t imagine living like that. The usually only lasts a few months, so I hope she’s feeling better soon.
April 23, 2012 at 10:34 am
Hey oh wow congrats….and of course hugs a million times 🙂
hey kids dont poop in tub unless of course you leave them there and forget
April 23, 2012 at 2:33 pm
I’ve already had a dream about forgetting the baby somewhere. It’s never too soon to start worrying!
April 23, 2012 at 10:45 am
This is just to say
congratulations.
And, be sure to stock up
on tub and tile cleaner.
Signed,
Debbie Done
April 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Rather than dealing with all that cleaning, I’m thinking the baby will stay naked and live in the yard. Let nature take its course.
April 23, 2012 at 10:54 am
Congratulations. As the male you’re allowed to brag on the job you did. Don’t let your wife hear, cause in approx. nine mos. she’ll have some choice words about your work. She won’t mean them but just sayin’.
April 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm
It is funny how people keep telling me “good job.” Yes, it was a monumental thing I’ve managed to do.
April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am
Such wonderful news – congratulations and all my heart-felt good wishes for you all. I say it will be a girl – can’t wait to find out if I’m right.
Also, I get it if you don’t name your baby via Question of the Week. But we should get to choose the middle name, cause that’s only fair.
April 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Fair is fair. When the he/she wants to know why their middle name is “Bloggington” or “Freshly Pressed” or “Godzilla” I can just explain that I really owed it to my readers.
April 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Haha! I think he/she will totally understand 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am
My kid peed on the dog. I know. I’m a girl, but I wanted to mix it up and stuff.
Congratulations! Life’s about to get interesting. In the good way!
April 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm
I’m sure the poor dog was like, “Okay, fine. If that’s the way you want it…”
April 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm
His expression clearly said “If I had done that, I’d have been whacked with a rolled up newspaper!”
April 23, 2012 at 11:40 am
Congratulations! Way to increase your readership (that is, of course, assuming your little Byronic Baby will actually want to subscribe to your blog once s/he learns her/his abc’s.) Lack of sleep and fecal matter events will make for great writing material. 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Oh, he/she will subscribe or there’ll be serious consequences. “No dessert or video games until you leave a comment!”
April 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm
I think you should name your kid Sparklebumps.
Congratulations, by the way! hughughughughug! 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm
I’m currently accepting bids.
April 23, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Many congratulations! The first fifteen years are the worst.
Actually i have a six and three year old, so I’m guessing. Most of your friends won’t tell you this, but it’s great…
It rather pales into insignificance compared to your first child, but in further Good News For The Byronic Man, I have nominated your blog for an award: The Kreativ Blogger Award. Pop over to my page for details. Something to tell your grandchildren about perhaps…
April 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm
It’s true – most people only want to scare you, which I find baffling.
And me getting an award is always big news.
April 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm
So incredibly happy for you! Enjoy each precious, poo-filled moment! 🙂
April 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Actually, we’ve got our fingers crossed for a baby that poops rainbows.
April 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm
I’d personally opt for Skittles.
April 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Aw, very sweet news. Congratulations! I find it adorable that you’re so angsty about it (while also being completely manly, of course). As for a name, I suggest that you watch “The Goodnight Show” on Sprout (you’ll have to get used to it eventually anyway) and catch all the names that scroll across the bottom from parents trying to commune with their toddlers via television. My friends play a game called Name Fail when that happens. Some of them are awful. Don’t name your kid any of the awful ones.
Also? Do not… repeat, do NOT… post, or allow your wife to post, future potty training efforts on Facebook. Huge pet-peeve for non-parents (hi).
April 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Congrats!!!! Yay. Yippeeeee! Hugs and kisses.
As for names, I think “Elyse” has a nice ring to it. And it comes with a lullaby :).
April 23, 2012 at 6:56 pm
As a male manly masculine potent and virile manlike anthropoid…Double Fist Bump my Man – KAAAAABOOOOM!!! I hope it’s an anthropoid…a human one.
April 23, 2012 at 11:21 pm
I think this is great! Just think of all the great advice you can get from the Byromaniacs on child rearing! Some have raised a few to adulthood, so we have lots of good ideas. This will be the best thing to ever happen to you BTW.
April 24, 2012 at 12:59 am
congrats 😀
May 3, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Congrats! You’re guaranteed to have endless blogging material for years to come.