This Means, Of Course, That He Or She Will Win Every Contest I Have.

April 23, 2012


Here at The Byronic Man, we believe in doing things the old-fashioned way.  Earning our bones, so to speak.  So, sure, I’d love to expand my readership at a fast-pace, but I’m more concerned with quality readers – readers I care about and cultivate.  And so I’m very, very, very excited to let you know that come early October, I will be expanding my subscribers by 1.  A reader I just can’t wait to meet.  Yes, readers, my wife – with me as support crew – is currently working on a little Byronic Boy or Girl – our first.

I know.

It’s wonderful, terrifying, fun, exciting and stressful.  I’m not too worried, though, because I know the stressful part will only last until, oh, right around the moment of my death – give or take 30 seconds.

Take a good look, Junior. Someday you'll be sneaking in to classes in these hallowed halls.

We’ve been slow to tell a lot of people, because we often play things close to the vest, it’s frightening, and because I can be a mildly superstitious person normally, and this has sent me in to overdrive.  I intend to actually name the baby as a college graduation gift, for fear of jinxing anything by thinking about names too soon.  I’m kidding, of course.  By 2030 no one will be able to afford college.

I will tell you that if you want to tell someone you’re having a baby?  It’s generally better to tell women than men.

Woman reacting to other woman saying she’s pregnant:

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” HugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHug

Man reacting to man saying he and his wife are going to have a baby:

“Huh.  Was it on purpose?”

“That’s great.  Hope you like being exhausted.”

You ever try to clean fecal water out of a tub? Yeah, well, you will.

“Hey, congratulations.  The other day I was giving my daughter a bath and she shit in the tub. Just a giant crap; right in the tub.”

But that’s okay.  I’ve gotten all the congratulations I need.  And nothing’s going to harsh this buzz – except my wife saying something like “ow” which immediately sends me in to total lockdown, crisis-management mode.

I suppose there are easier ways to find new readers – but I sure can’t think of a more exciting one.

Tomorrow: A Brief Timeline of The Story So Far.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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78 Comments on “This Means, Of Course, That He Or She Will Win Every Contest I Have.”

  1. Roly Says:

    Congratulations. Hard work but well worth it 🙂


  2. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Well, I would just like to say,
    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (hug, hug, hug)

    This is so exciting! Huge congrats to you guys!! A little Byronic man! (my guess is boy, of course I have a 50/50 chance of getting it right unless you have an alien)

    And I can one up your shit in the tub story, my husband actually was IN the tub with my 1 year old son when he pooped (my son, not my husband)


  3. Bethylicious Says:

    First – congratulations!!! You realize you’re going to get at least one book about fatherhood from someone…I don’t know who it will be, but it will happen. Also, “Hey, congratulations. The other day I was giving my daughter a bath and she shit in the tub. Just a giant crap; right in the tub” is totally my line.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’ve gotten one so far. It had some good information, but it also seemed geared primarily toward the fragile male ego. Lots of reassuring about how to make sure I was getting my fair share of attention (which has been about #7,000 on my list of concerns).


  4. k8edid Says:

    OMG, OMG, OMG. (Jumping up and down) Of course, the name will be chosen by “Question of the Week”, right? So very exciting.


  5. 1pointperspective Says:

    Congrats old man. I know you’re not old right now, but…..

    Your bathtub comment had me laughing – my grand daughter has shit in our tub so many times we’ve lost count. I think she enjoys watching Nana jump around and try to manage the soggy catastrophe. We’re starting to wonder if when potty training comes around, if she’ll want to bathe in the toilet.

    As if we mere mortals weren’t already beholden to your blog supremacy, you’ll have a new, endless source of topics.

    On that topic, I can’t believe you aren’t having us line up to enter the contest to name Baby Byronic. For the record, I’m putting my entry in early for Byronia if it’s a girl, and Bogey if it’s a boy.

    In all seriousness, congrats and best wishes to you guys.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Thanks. And I’ve always been fairly baby-faced, so we’ll see if this averages me out. Although, I’ve explained to the fetus that I’ve kept my hair this long, and I do NOT want any shenanigans that will mess that up. So, that’s all cleared up.


  6. Francesca Zelnick Says:

    Congratulations!! So, so exciting!


  7. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    Fantastic. Enjoy that sleep now, man. 😉 (Isn’t it kind of nice to know your boys can swim?)


  8. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    and more Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (hughughug) !!! A BYRONIC BABY !!!
    I can help – 1) your wife gets ANYthing she wants – she’s growing teeny, tiny organs and
    2)keep reading my posts, its the perfect “what NOT to do” !


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      So far this morning I’ve made her breakfast, and lunch, and snack, and tea, and walked the dogs and cleaned the kitty litter and brought her ovaltine & rubbed her back while she threw up. I’m pretty solid on #1. She’s already remarked that except for the nausea, discomfort, etc. she’d stay pregnant all the time if it’s going to be like this!


  9. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Congratulations! A brand new Byromaniac! How kool is that? Enjoy the ride. 😉


  10. zannyro Says:

    Sooooooooo exciting,CONGRATULATIONS! The LOVE is about to explode! in your life 🙂


  11. sj Says:

    EEEEEEEEEE! So exciting! (was it on purpose?)


  12. susielindau Says:

    Congratulations Byronic man and woman!
    I am so excited for you. It’s a life changer, but the best one you could ever hope to have. 🙂


  13. pclovinu Says:

    Congrats on eagerly anticipated new addition to your family! Great way to create your own fans 🙂 I’m a new blogger, still exploring and taking things in. Enjoying your blog, thank you.


  14. Lenore Diane Says:

    Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Byronic!!
    My boys never pooped in the tub, so I cannot relate to the tub stories. Rest assured, I’m OK with the fact I cannot relate.


  15. Audrey Says:

    Congrats!! When do you get to find out if you’re having a Byronic-boy or Byronic-girl? 🙂


  16. gojulesgo Says:

    Well. You’ve given me no choice but to say, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! HugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHug.

    Seriously – congratulations!!! My jaw literally dropped when I read this (in the good way!), and I’m so happy for you and your wife!!! You should add a college donation widget to your side bar, stat.


  17. crubin Says:

    Congrats! Every man deserves a little one to whom he can say, “Pull my finger” and always get a laugh…


  18. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Creating your own worshipers is always wise when your goal is to be a cult leader. Congrats to you both on this blessing! Kids provide great writing material too.


  19. Anastasia Says:

    There’s already a Mrs Byronic Woman, so I assume the squirtlette will be the 6 Million Dollar Fan?

    Congrats.. scary! have fun 🙂


  20. Anastasia Says:

    Oh, I forgot. EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! hughughug, etc.


  21. pegoleg Says:

    Adding more “ee”s and “hugs” to everybody else’s above. I hope you are feeling fine and not having any morning sickness. Oh, and your wife, too.


  22. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Hey oh wow congrats….and of course hugs a million times 🙂
    hey kids dont poop in tub unless of course you leave them there and forget


  23. freddyflow Says:

    This is just to say
    And, be sure to stock up
    on tub and tile cleaner.

    Debbie Done


  24. tomwisk Says:

    Congratulations. As the male you’re allowed to brag on the job you did. Don’t let your wife hear, cause in approx. nine mos. she’ll have some choice words about your work. She won’t mean them but just sayin’.


  25. skippingstones Says:

    Such wonderful news – congratulations and all my heart-felt good wishes for you all. I say it will be a girl – can’t wait to find out if I’m right.

    Also, I get it if you don’t name your baby via Question of the Week. But we should get to choose the middle name, cause that’s only fair.


  26. becomingcliche Says:

    My kid peed on the dog. I know. I’m a girl, but I wanted to mix it up and stuff.

    Congratulations! Life’s about to get interesting. In the good way!


  27. shoes Says:

    Congratulations! Way to increase your readership (that is, of course, assuming your little Byronic Baby will actually want to subscribe to your blog once s/he learns her/his abc’s.) Lack of sleep and fecal matter events will make for great writing material. 🙂


  28. sparklebumps Says:

    I think you should name your kid Sparklebumps.
    Congratulations, by the way! hughughughughug! 🙂


  29. every record tells a story Says:

    Many congratulations! The first fifteen years are the worst.
    Actually i have a six and three year old, so I’m guessing. Most of your friends won’t tell you this, but it’s great…
    It rather pales into insignificance compared to your first child, but in further Good News For The Byronic Man, I have nominated your blog for an award: The Kreativ Blogger Award. Pop over to my page for details. Something to tell your grandchildren about perhaps…


  30. cassiebehle Says:

    So incredibly happy for you! Enjoy each precious, poo-filled moment! 🙂


  31. thesinglecell Says:

    Aw, very sweet news. Congratulations! I find it adorable that you’re so angsty about it (while also being completely manly, of course). As for a name, I suggest that you watch “The Goodnight Show” on Sprout (you’ll have to get used to it eventually anyway) and catch all the names that scroll across the bottom from parents trying to commune with their toddlers via television. My friends play a game called Name Fail when that happens. Some of them are awful. Don’t name your kid any of the awful ones.

    Also? Do not… repeat, do NOT… post, or allow your wife to post, future potty training efforts on Facebook. Huge pet-peeve for non-parents (hi).


  32. Elyse Says:

    Congrats!!!! Yay. Yippeeeee! Hugs and kisses.

    As for names, I think “Elyse” has a nice ring to it. And it comes with a lullaby :).


  33. ghfool Says:

    As a male manly masculine potent and virile manlike anthropoid…Double Fist Bump my Man – KAAAAABOOOOM!!! I hope it’s an anthropoid…a human one.


  34. benzeknees Says:

    I think this is great! Just think of all the great advice you can get from the Byromaniacs on child rearing! Some have raised a few to adulthood, so we have lots of good ideas. This will be the best thing to ever happen to you BTW.


  35. Curly Carly Says:

    Congrats! You’re guaranteed to have endless blogging material for years to come.


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