I’ve always been a mildly superstitious person. Not to any extremes and not in any traditional sense – as in “don’t open an umbrella indoors” or “salt over the left shoulder” or “it’s bad luck to stick your face in a fire” type things. Mine tend to more of the mild OCD type. Putting shoes and socks on in a certain order or something.
I wouldn’t, for example, count to hundred and back over and over during a flight in order to keep the plane in the air; however, if I was sitting next to someone who was, I wouldn’t feel any particular need to stop them. When the flight attendant came by I’d simply say, “He’s busy. I’ll be handling his requests. He’d like a pillow, a coke with no ice and he’d like to buy my headset.”
Oh, "thrust" and "drag," ha ha. Right. Just keep counting.
Chain letters, however, have never had much impact. I mean, I don’t know how planes stay in the air, so maybe it’s the counting; who knows? But chain letters just make no sense. The first one I ever saw I just remember thinking, “How did Rene La Croix of Indianapolis lose her job after not sending this letter on if it’s already in the letter?” And that was the end of that. Crumple, trash, moving forward.
But now the blogging community has turn chains into chain-ade with a number of games involving tagging people with series’ of questions or tasks or other types of recognition, which is all good fun, without the threat of doom for failure to participate. Get rid of the bad, expand on the good. Sometimes the game involves sending the bloggy goodness forward, other times it merely includes you in the game. Such appears to be the case in a recent tagging by Lenore Diane of Lenore’s Thoughts Exactly (which, seriously, is a great name for a blog). She’s sent me and a few others in this chain gang a series of questions, which – because I like Lenore, I like games, and like talking about myself – I am excited to answer.
Ready?
1. What is your favorite color, and what do you think it would taste like? My favorite color is orange, and I think it would taste like apples. My second favorite color is irony. Actually, I don’t really have one. Black. Blue. Green. That’s pretty much my wardrobe, anyway. And they’d taste like smoked mushrooms, ice, and fresh salsa, respectively.
A little more masculine, though, and lot less sexy.
2. Do you sleep on your left side, right side, back or stomach? I sleep in a modified lotus position, like Sydney Bristow’s mom on Alias. Always ready for action.
3. Do you floss your teeth? Hell, yes! I’m a bit obsessive about my teeth, as I periodically write about. You know, my first freshly pressed was about flossing.
4. Do you close the lid before flushing the toilet? Did you know that the spray from a toilet can go up to 20 feet when you flush? You better God damn believe I close the lid. Hell’s slushee-to-the-face is what that toilet is.
5. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Twice. If I ever get a genie granting me 3 wishes one of them will be for my teeth to remain in perfect health forever. Modest, relatively “ironic twist”-free, but think how nice it would be to never have to worry about your teeth.
6. How many times have you brushed your hair today? If you are follicle-challenged, how many times have you rubbed your bald head? Once. And “brushed” is a strong term.
7. Do your feet smell? (Go ahead and check, we’ll wait.) Yes. Like rainbows dipped in rose-water.
"They may take our lives! But they'll never take... OUR ICE CREEEEAAAAMM!!"
8. Do you have any Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in your freezer? May I have it? I have a pint of Dublin Mudslide. I would defend it with my life.
9. If you notice food stuck between someone’s teeth – do you make an effort to tell him/her? If not, why are you so cruel? I take a “do unto others” approach, so even when it’s a zipper down, or something else I feel weird about mentioning, I always do. Unless you’ve recently taken my ice cream.
"Hm? Oh, I guess you do have your skirt tucked in to your underwear and toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Hadn't noticed. You enjoying that ice cream?"
10. What feature do you most like about me (Lenore Diane)? You have terrific taste in blogs.
11. Don’t you think I should be discovered, while I sit doing nothing, and become famous for my writing? Well, sure. That’s my plan. Phase One is going swimmingly.
I think that’s it. And thanks, Lenore, for thinking of me!
I don’t think I’m under obligation to pass it on, but if I am, don’t worry – I will count to 100 by 4’s, turn around 7 times and spit to negate the bad luck because I didn’t.
The Byronic Man 
February 11, 2012 at 7:10 am
Well I can start my day now! One of my superstitious worries is that I can’t start my day without reading your blog. I’ve been sitting in the lotus position for 2 hours and NOW I have to go to yoga! Anyway, whilst walking my mother in the park we cannot go on either side of a lamp post, trashcan, etc., without saying “Bread and butter.” I’d like to thank my grandmother for that one.
February 11, 2012 at 7:25 am
See? I think everyone should have a “I can’t start my day until I read Byronic Man” approach to life. Maybe that’ll be my advertising scheme.
February 11, 2012 at 7:14 am
Dublin Mudslide!? Really? Never ‘eard of it before. Olive placement be damned, you are shopping in one righteous grocery store.
February 11, 2012 at 7:26 am
Oh, my foodie friend – your life is about to change in wonderful, fattening ways.
February 11, 2012 at 7:20 am
my OCD/ADD/ptsd is fueling my thirst. Sanity check please….
February 11, 2012 at 7:31 am
A person could go crazy trying to keep track of all these acronyms. I wonder if there’s a name for that disorder…
February 13, 2012 at 1:37 am
rebel with out a clue. some might just say fucking nuts.
February 11, 2012 at 8:18 am
Thank you for revealling your essence. My essence is revealled only to me, and only with the toilet seat down. Otherwise, essence is sprayed up to 40 feet in the air, and, if the window is open, can land on another human being.
February 11, 2012 at 8:25 am
Now I want ice cream. 😦
February 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Only one way to scratch that itch. And that is, of course, relentless self-shaming and vocal hatred of your body.
February 11, 2012 at 8:28 am
You make me laugh. But I think I fell in love when you said “hell’s slushee to the face”!
February 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Finally!! Every day I keep thinking “What will win Lula Harp’s heart?!” I’m glad I finally found the key.
Oh, and thanks for reading.
February 11, 2012 at 11:54 am
First, I wrote an entire comment, scrolled up to get a look at the picture again – clicked on it for an enlarged view – closed the window, and realized – crap. I have to go back to the blog and start over.
Second, I am thrilled (yes, thrilled) that I am not the only person that knows about the spray that occurs when the toilet is flushed. Both you and Darla mentioned it. Or maybe it was you, Darla and Lisa (@publikworks). Regardless, I am not alone. I love when my crazy is validated.
And finally, I stopped dead in my tracks when you mentioned Dublin Mudslide. What?! Does such a flavor exist? Why am I unable to find such goodness in GA grocery stores? Shirley he jests – I mean, surely he can’t be serious. After composing myself, I continued to read your post, only to be side-tracked again by the photo. For the love of all that is Ben & Jerry’s … what is that flavor? This is the point where I scrolled up – clicked on the photo and remained for several minutes. I won’t do that again.
Thank you for playing, Byronic. Your next 10 airline flights will go smoothly – you can hold off on counting to 100 over and over again. Buh’ bye.
February 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Dublin Mudslide is just wonderful. I can’t believe it’s not available everywhere. I can’t believe it’s not mandated everywhere.
February 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Thanks to reading a tweet by Lenore Diane and clicking on this post I will forever be slamming the toilet lid down before I flush. Though I can’t decide which is worse the thought of the spray or enduring the sound of the lid as it hits the rim. And keep flossing. Adds up to 7 years to your life span.
February 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I’ve got to get on Twitter, don’t I… I’ve been fighting it but I’m hearing more and more tweet-related remarks ’round these parts.
Thanks for reading!
February 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm
The spray from the toilet fact just changed my life forever. How do you handle this in public toilets with no lids? I usually flush with my foot and run anyway, but now I think I need to re-evaluate my strategy.
February 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm
I recommend covering yourself in a blanket, yelling, “Fire in the hole!”, kicking the handle, then hurling yourself in the opposite direction. It’s the only rational course of action.
February 11, 2012 at 4:03 pm
I must find this Dublin Mudslide of which you speak.
February 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm
You really must. You’ll be glad you did. If comments on today’s post have shown me anything, it’s that I need to spread Dublin Mudslide throughout the world.
Figuratively, of course.
February 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I am always on the fence regarding the do you tell someone they … (fill in the blank). I still regret not telling that coworker that she had caught the hem and her slip up in the books she was carrying and was walking through the building exposing her panties to all. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I had seen what I had seen. I guess I should have run after her. And the other day I noticed from across the street a man talking to another. The man who had his hands in his pockets had quite a large rip in the seat of his pants. I almost crossed the street to tell him. But, then, no one told me about the rip in my pants, either. I found out all by myself.
February 12, 2012 at 7:56 am
Crossing the street definitely adds an element of grey area. Surely someone close by is noticing. The funny thing, too, is how it feels like such an emergency – no one’s in physical danger, nothing generally being exposed that will turn children in to maniacs – yet it feels like this huge thing that the guy’ pants are ripped! We’re seeing his underwear! That man wears underwear!
February 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Kudos on a great chain blog to end all chain blogs. And there is another toilet secret that I, Queen of the Pot can share — always go to the first stall because no one else does. You heard it here first. Or maybe from Dave Barry who studied this quite closely. But I do believe that Dave leaves the lid up. Or he leaves up the lid. Or something.
February 12, 2012 at 7:58 am
I’ve heard that, too. I think with the urinals in the men’s rooms it was the one’s in the middle that get used least – the one’s furthest from the corners.
We are primitive, primitive creatures sometimes.
February 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm
I always closed the lid to the toilet from long ago because of one of those stupid seat up/seat down arguments, and then later when I found out about the spray, I just kept doing it. I liked this post. There’s more thrust and drag in it than a transvestite beauty pageant.
February 12, 2012 at 7:59 am
It is impossibly to type “Thrust and drag” without feeling dirty.
February 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm
That is true.
February 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm
i have it on the downlow that mudslide is a limited batch -featured flavor for st pats. But really could it be better than cheesecake brownie? You can actually feel arteries harden …..
February 12, 2012 at 8:01 am
You know, I actually did a Google search for it, because I was so surprised no one had heard of it. I saw that it had been discontinued, then that it was a seasonal. I’m totally stumped, though, because I swear I can get it all year round. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve just never thought about it, and start craving it come mid-winter.
February 12, 2012 at 9:15 am
Perhaps I need to investigate, Im only acouple (very tiny) states away so “Trip to Ben & Jerry’s needs to be bumped up on my To Do list. Or maybe because people here know its seasonal, they buy it up quicker and hoard it !!!!
February 12, 2012 at 2:21 am
I liked, didn’t read and refuse to comment. I defy the universe to punish me.
February 12, 2012 at 8:02 am
Can’t fool the universe. It’s got people everywhere.
February 12, 2012 at 8:53 am
shhh…if I don’t look it in the eyes, it can’t see me.
February 12, 2012 at 3:51 am
But if you pass on chain letters, isn’t that how fairies die?
February 12, 2012 at 8:04 am
That, when people swear, and lawn mower accidents are the top 3 killers of faeries, it’s true.
February 12, 2012 at 10:46 am
The ‘modified lotus position’ while sleeping reminded me of Otto in A Fish Called Wanda. ALways an effective way to sleep, no doubt. I just curl up in a fetal position and cover my head to protect myself from my husband’s snoring.
And you think the spray is bad with the toilet seat up? Did you know it still somehow sprays up to 10 feet when it’s down? Oh yeah, ’tis true. I wrote about it in my Lenore tag post, check it out if you dare, B-man…
February 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Now that you say that, I’ve heard that about the 10-foot spray, but that defies logic. Do you think that means with the “public restroom” type lid down? Because with a full lid down, well, that’s some focused, can-do toilet spray.
February 13, 2012 at 7:35 am
I actually had to stop after #3 to go read your dentist post. I burst out laughing at the last line. While I don’t know the right answer to “waxed or unwaxed,” I do floss religiously and it must be Glide. I’m so obsessed with dental hygiene, I often have dreams about my teeth falling out.
Er…Loved your answers!! 🙂
February 13, 2012 at 11:43 am
Those tooth dreams mean something, but I forget what. I’ve had them, too.
Glide is waxed. FYI.
February 13, 2012 at 9:45 am
I used to respond to all these chain type things because I couldn’t afford not to when it came to getting good luck. Now I know it’s just another way for people to gain access to your private information, I have stopped. I defy bad luck to hunt me down!
February 13, 2012 at 11:40 am
I do the same thing, especially if there’s something at stake, something I’m worried about going well. “Well, it can’t hurt to try and incur a little good luck” I’ll tell myself, and then grudgingly do something that I’m confident is pointless.
February 16, 2012 at 8:12 am
I’m leaving a comment. There. I’m covered. But I’m going to cross my fingers and knock on wood just in case.
February 16, 2012 at 11:30 am
Phew. That was a close one.
February 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm
No need to panic. Crisis averted. OMG!!1! Are we supposed to panic now? PANIC! PANIC! Wait, what? Oh, yeah. Salt thrown over the shoulder, no cracks stepped on, no ladders walked under or black cats’ paths crossed. I even used my blinkers when I went to lunch. And I have an aversion to that. I just hate letting people know what I’m about to be up to. But, it’s better than getting dead when I’m on my way to get mah Mexican food fix. BAM! Drifting left, you think I’m turning left, but NOPE! Imma throw your ass off and stay in my lane. You think I’m on the phone, but I know what’s going on. I’m watching you in all. the mirrors. Go ahead, make my day. Punk.
February 18, 2012 at 8:35 pm
liked this a lot. Your writing style is great, conversational and fun. p.s my favorite color is Grass green..I think it would taste like summer 🙂
February 23, 2012 at 6:10 am
I dislike blog chains – they are just chain letters after all, not really “games” much less real “tag” they’re just labled that way so people won’t think of them as virals. I’ll smash these chains whenever I come across them.